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THE JELLICLE CHRONICLES - YEAR FIFTEEN
STARBLIGHT EXCESS
By Dennis C. Callin (Rumblepurr)
Editors?
Parody of Starlight Express
by Andrew Lloyd Webber & Richard Stilgoe
Satirical Musical Parody - ACT ONE
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PROLOGUE: You just knew I would come back to this one, right? HELLO!!! Yes, I figured since TJC is over and done with, the cast needed something else to do, so I wanted to bring this turkey out and be done with it… Since I am sure you want to get to your seats for this show, Let’s get right to the apologies…
First, our apologies have always included CATS, the performers, the crew, TN, GL, JN, TSE, and everyone even connected with CATS, right? Well, since this is one of the last of the Parodies connected with TJC (*Please hold the applause…*), we figure the first apology goes to Lord Andy L. Webber… We’re saying we’re sorry even though this guy REALLY doesn’t need it. We figure he probably wouldn’t want to waste his time bothering with a small webby-site like this… And a Yank one at that… Look, he’s put up with this since TJC started - why start now? Plus, he’s the composer! You know? The guy that wrote the MUSIC…? And what don’t you get when you READ a PARODY? We’ll wait… *whistling* HELLO AGAIN? Answer: There is NO MUSIC PLAYING HERE! Okay, unless you have a CD in the player and you are singing the lyrics to the music… Lord Webber? If we have offended you in any way, we apologize here and now… Really…
Lyricist Richard Stilgoe gets the next apology since we’ll be carving up his song lyrics for chutney. Sorry… You just had to move onto StEx after doing MEMORY, didn’t you…? And even though we do not include a drawing of the set, we’ll apologize to Scene Designer, John Napier as well. Arlene Phillips will be overjoyed to know that her choreography can only be visualized by those people who can make crayon drawings… Trevor Nunn directed this turkey… the original turkey - not the one you are about to receive… He’d probably jump from the nearest balcony if he reads this… Our apologies to you all…
And we shall also apologize to the performers and crews of Starlight Express wherever and whenever they are. You probably do not care anymore, but we will throw this in here just in case you do give a Rodent’s Posterior about being told that we’re sorry about this…
Naturally, we also apologize to CATS in general - namely all the people with initials and those without… and a second one to Uncle Andy, who wrote the music for CATS…We do this because we use the cast of characters from CATS and TJC…
And last, but not least, and they probably are wishing we had forgotten about them, we apologize to little kids all over the world who play with train sets… And adults who play with BIG train sets… And Railroad companies in general…
Okay, let’s get to the actual grist of this part… Starlight Express was a rather interesting nightmare connected with “The Little Train That Could…” Can you imagine the therapy this kid (who is named “Control” of all things???) must’ve gone through if he equated that story with a bunch of train cars and engines who have humanoid-like bodies and train-like parts on them??? I will agree that coupling train cars gets a whole new meaning, but… maybe we shouldn’t continue this line of thought… The original StEx experience had an elaborate racetrack placed on the stage, and then had the performers turn into overnight Roller Derby freaks. For those of you who have never heard of Roller Derby, just think of Professional Wrestling on rollerskates… Now THAT is a scary thought…Most of the time, they chose women for these contests on an oval track, and have chick fights all over the place. Somewhere, an actual game (whose rules have never been rationally explained to anyone) breaks out…
And now, with plenty of Mountain Dew (with a cherry twist), we present the Jellicle Players in our feature musical STARBLIGHT EXCESS…
CREDITS:
Produced by Rumblepurr and Altaica
Stage Manager: Jellylorum
Assistant Stage Manager: Jennyanydots
Presented, whether anyone liked it or not, at the Jellicle Speedway on January 26, 2005, at 7:30 p.m. downwind of the Orange Tabby Pub ()which might account for some of what you are about to read…)
Reported to the Constabulary at 8:30 p.m. that same night.
Shut down as a health problem at 11:30 that same night.
Costuming by AKL Costumes & Antique Photo Company, Ltd.,
Sundancer (Chief Costumer) and Kvitter (Assistant Costumer)
CD (Compost Debris) available at U_GOTTA_B_KIDDING… You know the drill…
THE ENGINES:
POOPY (Poppa)
RUSTUP (Rusty)
ELECTRO (Electra)
GREASY (Greaseball)
EXPRESSO (Espresso)
PRINCE CHUCK (Pr. Of Whales)
NINTENDO (ditto)
BOOBOO (Bobo)
RUMGO (Ruhrgold)
TURNOFF (Turnov)
THE CARRIAGES
DINAH (ditto)
ASHCAN (Ashley)
PURL (Pearl)
BUFFY (ditto)
THE TRUCKS
ROCKY I
ROCKY II
ROCKY III
FLATHEAD (Flattop)
DUSTBIN (Dustin)
VANS & COMPANY:
WENCH (Wrench)
PURSE (ditto)
BOLTER (Volta)
GOIL (Joule)
URPP (Krupp)
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(the Choo-choos…)
Old Deuteronomy
Munkustrap
Rum Tum Tugger
Quaxo
Alonzo
Bustopher Jones
Coricopat
Mistoffelees
Skimbleshanks
Shadowdancer
(the Broads in Tights)
Bombalurina
Cassandra
Demeter
Tantomile
(The Guys in Boxers… er, Boxes)
Tumblebrutus
Gus Junior
Pouncival
Mungojerrie
Cat Morgan (Guest appearance)
(The Co-stars…)
Electra
Victoria
Cettie
Jemmina
Exotica
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OTHER CHARACTERS… Whatever Jellicle is Available.
ORCHESTRA
The Heathrow Raggae Marching Band
Conducted by Miserable, er, Maestro Sacramentor
Kazoos: Nicole (Lead), Candy, Trinity, Fagan
Comb & Tissue: Phoenix (Lead), Starcatcher, Miyo, Erik
Marimba: Pandemonium
Steel Drums: Genevieve, Zhion
Toy Pianos: Melody (AKA The “Grid”) and Fawn
Harmonica: Presley
Fender Guitar: Silvermane
Air Guitar: Poseidon
Aria Electric Bass: Sebastian
Electronic Percussion: Domino
IN THE GREEN ROOM:
Munkustrap opened the door to the Green Room in a rush, and quickly closed it, his back pressed to the metal reinforcement plate. He was breathing hard, his fur was sponged, and his tail resembled a bottlebrush used for swabbing out the HMS ARK ROYAL’s 15cm guns…
Rather than trying the door, Mistoffelees popped in via the old “Presto” mode, and regarded the Silver Tabby with some amusement…
“Bomba and Deme find you in Sunny’s lair again?”
“Ha, ha, Misto. May Vickie find out about you and those catnip mice you’ve been hoarding all these years…”
“Okay, what’s up?”
“Some joker put up a poster saying “Free Kitty to a Good Home” and put my picture on it! There are quite a few humans out there asking for me!”
“And we both know what one particular (and possibly peculiar) lady is at the front gate trying to crawl over it too…”
BAM BAM BAM!
“Who is it!?” Munkus disguised his voice and shouted from against the door.
“Munk? If you don’t open this door, I’m having Quaxie put his fist through it.”
Munkus looked at Misto, who nodded. “You better do it, Munku. Bomba usually doesn’t bluff like that, and you know Quaxo can do what she said.”
After opening the door, Munkus waited as Bombalurina came in, kissed him soundly on the mouth, tickled Misto’s chin and waited. Demeter came in next, kissed Munkus on the mouth, tickled Misto’s chin and waited. Quaxo came in, and Munkus put his hands up!
“And I was all puckered, too,” Quaxo chuckled.
“Don’t you even THINK of that,” Tugger said as he came in.
Munkus grabbed the tall cat and pulled him out of the doorway. “What, and give me hairball problems for the rest of the day? Perish the thought… Who’s following you?”
Tugger did his Fronzerlli imitation. “The chicks, who else?”
Moving aside, Munkus waited…
“WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (THUD!)” Cettie squealed as she crashed into Tugger, followed by Electra, Jemmina and Victoria. The five ended up on the floor with Tugger at the very bottom.
“Okay, who gave Cettie rollerblades?” Tugger said, tapping his fingers on the linoleum.
“We’re all getting them,” Electra said, trying to get Jemmi’s tail out of her face.
“And as soon as we get lessons, we go on stage!” the short Princess said enthusiastically.
“I hate to say this, but that was our lesson,” Victoria added.
Skimbleshanks came through the door, and started helping unpile the mess at the door. “Munkus? I’d bettah nae be a blasted engineer this time!”
“Worse, Skimble… You’re a bloomin’ engine…”
“Say what?”
“OKAY, LISTEN UP!” Jellylorum screamed from the doorway.
“Jelly, please!” Old Deuteronomy said, easing her to one side and entering the room. “They just resurrected me again, and my ears are a bit sensitive…”
The rest of the cast began coming into the Green Room, which packed the place pretty good - kind of like Appetizer Night at Jenny’s… Jelly waited until everyone was at least sorted out in a place.
“All right, everyone. Tonight’s debacle will be a musical outtake of the story, “The Little Engine That Could…”
“Oh, Rumpus!” Alonzo moaned. “The dude is finally going to do Starblight Excess...”
“Just find your scripts and maybe it won’t be so painful…”
The scripts were handled like each one was part of a Hazardous Waste collection sample. A few whimpers, moans, retchings, and gaggings preceded the complaints.
“I KNEW IT!” Vickie screeched. “I got another bit part! Why is that Munkus and Deme and Bomba get the top spots most of the time!”
“Well for one thing,” Bomba cooed at the White Queen, “to play Dinah, you need cleavage… and sister, do I have that in quantity…”
“And another thing,” Demeter added, “to play Purl, you have to be able to knit… Wait, that can’t be right…”
“Never mind,” Cassie said, looking at the cushioned ashtray that subbed as her headdress. “You know Munkus plays the lead roles, and any love scenes with the leads usually feature the lead’s Queens... Although I wouldn’t call Munkus a 'little' engine…”
“Amen to that, sister!” Bomba and Deme said simultaneously.
Victoria snagged Misto’s bowtie. “Snookem’s? Tell your agent to get you the Lead parts, or nothing for you. Got it?”
Misto swallowed hard and nodded.
“Deut?” Jelly asked. “What are you doing back here again? I thought you vowed never to leave the Heavyside Layer again!”
“It’s in the contract,” he said, wiggling his eyebrows. “It had a return…”
“DON’T SAY IT!” the cast drowned him out.
[Please proceed to wardrobe and secure costumes. Half an hour to Scene One…]
“All this and Chuckles, too,” Bomba said, flipping off the intercom speaker. “I’m so thrilled I could just barf…”
“Munk?” Demeter asked, pointing to the door. “What are the Dark Twins doing here?”
“Cori is Nintendo and Tanto plays Buffy…”
“That explains the hammer and stake she’s carrying…” Demeter said.
“I can’t wait to see this,” Bomba said. “They also have Mungojerrie playing Flathead.”
Cassie shook her head. “You mean Flattop, don’t you, Bomba?”
“Nope… One brick too many, I think…”
“I wonder what the Overture is gonna be like,” Skimble said. “We have the Heathrow Raggae Marching Band playing in the orchestra pit…”
Jellylorum shut the door as the last cast member walked out. “May the Everlasting Cat take us home now…”
HOUSELIGHTS GOING DOWN
The audience was quiet for a change as Sacramentor came out and proceeded to the podium - which was an old wooden milk crate. Where he found the classic tuxedo outfit (sans the pants…) is a trade secret… Looking out over his orchestra, he was almost tempted to reach for the revolver he had hidden in the coat pocket. Thankfully, he did not… Khan had morphed the 9mm Glock into a squirt gun. The worst thing that would have happened to Mentor was to get water in his ear… The audience waited… The program indicated that the Overture did not start the musical…
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE: OVERTURE
CONTROL (Archangel - remember, he has a Russian accent): Is this thing not recordedable?
CONTROL’s Mother (Gintora - and she is American): Just shut up and do the lines, you boob!
CONTROL (Archangel): I luff it when dirty you talk to me… (ahem) This is CONTROL. Tonight is most important night in history… We destroy this musical…
CONTORL’s Mother (Gintora): Archie, just do the lines!!!
CONTROL (Archangel): Hokay. Take your seats for the World Champion Chimp Race… Dat is good… I haf neffer seen Chimps race before…
Stage Manager (Jellylorum): Don’t hit him yet, Ginny. Wait until after the show.
CONTROL’s Mother (Gintora): He may not live that long…
CONTROL (Archangel): Oh… silly me… Championship Race… (Whispering: Ginny, please let loose of tail…) Trains to your tracks… Ready… set… go!!! Greasy and Expresso are the early leaders wit Nintendo… You sure we can that say?
Stage Manager (Jelly): Do it or I’ll let Ginny hit you!
CONTROL (Archangel): Hokay, hokay… And here’s a surprise… we are doing this?
Stage Manager (Jelly): Do your lines, Gin…
CONTORL’s Mother (Gintora): Put the trains away, you overgrown baby!
CONTROL (Archangel): Oh, Ginny, when you talk dat way, I just am inflamed…”
[Muffled sounds of obvious fooling around taking place…]
Stage Manager (Jelly): Fire Hose!!!
CONTROL (Archangel - sounding like he’s gargling…): Starblight Excess… Starblight Excess Are you real? Yes or Nyet? Starblight Excess… Starblight Excess… Hoo, boy!
(Gintora is pulled away from Archangel… Jelly then motions him to continue…)
CONTROL (Archangel): This is CONTROL… Tonight is race night… And now let’s hear it for the champion engines of the world… Da… From France - the 120mph Subdust… BOOBOO. (Tada! Misto appears - literally - onstage. His headpiece is blue, white and red.) From Italy - the Rome to Mulan… She is in this?
Stage Manager (Jelly): Not if you want the Dizzyland lawyers here…
CONTROL (Archangel): Ah, MILAN… EXPRESSO… (Tada! Alonzo skates on and bumps into Misto. His headpiece is green, white and red.) From Germany, we have Trans-Continental Express - RUMGO… (Tada! Skimble skates out - going sideways - rings the group, and then coasts to a stop next to Alonzo and Misto. His headpiece is black, red and gold.) From Japan, the Shrinkwrapped Bullbit train… NINTENDO… (Tada! Coricopat comes in - not skating on the floor but about an inch above it… He wears a white headpiece with a red dot between his eyes.) Showoff… From Russia! Ah, good! My favorite…
Stage Manager (Jelly): Cool it, hotshot…
CONTROL (Archangel): Hokay… The trans-Siberian Express - has snowplow on front… TURNOFF (Tada! Brutus scoots on, flailing around until Misto and Alonzo manage to snag him. His head piece is white, red and blue.) From Great Britain, staying avay from the paparazzi… The PRINCE OF WHALES… (Tada! Bustopher Jones sails in on one skate… he makes a circle around the group and comes to a pinpoint stop next to them. He wears a top hat with the Union Jack on it.) Hokay, that vun I understand not… And now, from across the Pond and the land of Shrubby things… the vun and oily [That is ONLY…] Da… The Onion Pacific - GREAZY!!!
[Quaxo comes out - red and yellow cape flying out behind him. He makes about three laps of the stage before stopping. Roses land at his feet from all the Queens (and even a few Toms) in the audience. There is a ten-minute standing ovation.]
BOOBOO (Misto): Let’s cash in now while we can…
EXPRESSO (Alonzo): No contest to that…
NINTENDO (Cori): I say we just go back into the roundhouse…
PRINCE (BJ): I have a wonderful soufflé waiting for me…
RUMGO (Skimble): I think me clock needs rewinding…
TURNOFF (Brutus): Uh… I’m going to go take a nap…
GREAZY (Quaxo): You will all stay!
THE ENGINES: Yes, sir!
Stage Manager (Jelly - rubbing the bridge of her nose): Shoot me now…
ROLLING SOCKS (played to “Rolling Stock”)
GREAZY (Quaxo) & Gang:
I’m just the craziest you’ve ever seen.
That streak of spraypaint you just missed was me.
Don’t stop now, we gotta keep it going all night.
Rolling socks! Rolling socks!
Quaxo: You got no brains, so you don’t play with trains.
Gang: Rolling socks! Rolling socks!
Quaxo: You got no logo to spray paint on trains.
Gang: Don’t try to show you can spray faster than me.
This is graffiti, and it’s all you can see.
Don’t stop now, we gotta keep it going all night.
Rolling socks! We’re Rolling socks!
So get the motions in your hands right now
You rattle your paintcans and spray it, wow!
Don’t stop now, we gotta keep it going all night.
Rolling socks! We’re Rolling socks!
Rolling socks! We’re Rolling socks!
Rolling socks! We’re Rolling socks!
(The whole gang leaves the stage, now thoroughly spray-painted with odd slogans like ”Your Mother wears Argyles…” and initials, and whatnot… This leaves the stage for the “girls” who follow Deme on. They wave the air…)
PURL (Deme): ICK! You can sure tell when the Engines have been on before us…
DINAH (Bomba): All those diesel fumes… Just be glad Tugger’s not on yet…
ELECTRIC (Tugger - offstage): I heard that!
PURL (Deme - who flips him off): Come on, 'Coaches…' Let’s show them what we can do…
(The audience wolf-whistles as Munkus comes out and helps the 'girls' form a chorus line of very shapely train cars…Deme keeps Bomba from following him offstage.)
HE’LL WHISTLE FOR ME (Played to “He’ll Whistle for Me”)
PURL & Coaches: Whooo-pee, Whooo-pee. Nobody can do IT like a steam train.
Whooo-pee, Whooo-pee. Nobody can heat me like a steam train…
PURL (Deme - polishing her observation 'domes'):
I’ll know him when I feel him, long before I see him.
I will hear his rapid breathing, I will hear him hit the wall.
And then he’ll whistle for me…
He’ll send a rose, and poor me…
He’ll whistle for me…
I’m gonna hitch him to me, some day he’ll whistle at me.
That’s how I’ll ambuscade him, and maybe I’ll whistle at him…
That should surprise him (She growls suggestively…).
Don’t give me insistent purring, bells and whistles and distant burping.
I want steam that’s under pressure (mew), as it rises to a scream…
Somebody whistle at me… I’m all anticipation…
I need someone to whistle at me, I’m waiting at the station…
Come on, someone whistle at me, I’m longing to be near him…
I need someone to whistle at me, I’ll know him when I hear him…
He’ll whistle at me…
(Spoken) At least he’d better…
(When she 'poses', most of the Toms in the audience do exactly what she asked them… Deme grins. The Freight train theme begins. The 'coaches' cringe.)
GREAT (Played to “Freight”)
DINAH (Bomba): Oh, no…
BUFFY (Tanto): It’s the schmucks…
PURL (Deme): It’s the Late Freight Five…
ASHCAN (Cassie): You can say 'schmuck?'
BUFFY (Tanto): Yes… Fifty tons of empty chrome…
DINAH (Bomba): Cassie gets the good line, too. The lights are on…
ASHCAN (Cassie - grinning): But nobody’s home!
BUFFY (Tanto): Let’s get the hose…
DINAH (Bomba): Let’s go for broke…
PURL (Deme): I’d rather play cards…
ASHCAN (Cassie): *cough* I’d rather choke…
DINAH (Bomba): Here they come…
BUFFY (Tanto): To mess our station…
PURL (Deme): With diesel fumes and conversation…
TRUCKS (with the Coaches):
Great…! We are Freight!
Great…! We are Freight!
We belch our weight… Cos we are Freight!
And we are great!
Great…! We are Freight!
Great…! We are Freight!
We always sulk. Cos it’s in bulk!
Cos Freight… is great!
We always make a fuss,
Cos it ain’t good on us.
We take a lump and then a dump
And then… we’re late…
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COACHES (with the Trucks):
BUFFY (Tanto): Such brilliance!
PURL (Deme): Such witticisms!
DINAH (Bomba): What was that again?
PURL (Deme): We need to get their PR department…
ASHCAN (Cassie): Wowza!
BUFFY (Tanto): I don’t think I can stand much more!
DINAH (Bomba): Me, neither…
PURL (Deme): Come on, girls. Our turn…
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COACHES:
Cannot stand, gravel and sand.
Makes us bored, and makes us snore.
Nobody complaining we were late again…
We should hate, dirty old freight,
Not impressed, stains on my dress.
Got to be a pretty frilly passenger train…
TRUCKS:
Great…! We are Freight!
Great…! We are Freight!
TRUCKS / COACHES:
Great…! / Cannot stand, gravel and sand, makes us bored, and makes us snore.
We are Freight / Nobody complaining we were late again…
We belch our weight… / We should hate, dirty old freight, not impressed, stains on my dress.
Cos we are Freight! / Got to be a pretty frilly passenger train…
COACHES / TRUCKS:
It’s the Mamas & Papas / And even Frank Zappa.
It’s the Queens and Toms / And get your bell rung.
And perform in HAIR / And it’s fun when you’re bare.
TRUCKS / COACHES:
Great! / Blokes! / Great! / Jokes!
COACHES: Passengers who puke on the rails.
TRUCKS: That’s why we like to haul shale.
ALL: We’re Great! We’re Great! We’re Great! We’re Great! We’re… Great!
CONTROL (Archie): Hoo Boy, you all in trouble are… Hokay, Line up the Trucks… Why they called that, Ginny?
CONTROL’S MOM (Gintora): Because we can’t call them what they are!
CONTROL (Archie): Oh… Sound off!
ROCKY 1 (Tumble): Yo, one! I use my thumb…
ROCKY 2 (Gus, Jr.): Yo, two!
ROCKY 3 (Pounce - in monotone): Yo, three, dumb!
ALL 3: The only time we get sick inside,
Is when we have to parodize.
We wait until the script says we leave,
We go backstage where we all heave.
TRUCKS: Great, we’re Freight.
CONTROL: Brick Truck!
FLATHEAD (MJ): Wat’d 'e call me?
SM (Jelly): He said BRICK, although I’m not sure…
FLATHEAD (MJ): Oh…
Flat’ead, 'oo ya lookin’ at!
Yeah, dey’re bricks, wahs wrong wit dat!
Nah, you’re rioght, dey don’t all match.
Yup, dey’re 'eavy. 'Ere, CATCH!
(Mungojerrie actually throws the brick out into the audience where he beans the guy sitting in the eight row fifth seat in…)
Sorra, guv’ner!
TRUCKS: Great, we’re Freight.
CONTROL (Archie): The Hip Bopper…
DUSTBIN (Cat Morgan): Wot’s dat?
CONTROL (Archie): The Lip Copper…
DUSTBIN (Morgan): Da 'Ooo?”
CONTROL’S MOM (Gintora): The BIG MUTHA! Just do the fraggin’ lines!
DUSTBIN (Morgan): Cor’, iffen she ain’t on PMS rioght now, Oi’m da flipping Prince, Oi am…
Oi’m da Big 'Opper, and Oi’m not a box…
THE ROCKHEADS: Yeah, your shorts are full of rocks.
DUSTBIN (Morgan): Cor’, two rocks da size of Gibraltar…
Oi means Gravel’s gotta travel…
DUSTBIN & FLATHEAD: Travelin’… and grovelin’
Praiying dat we don’t get nipped.
Runnin’ from coppers
Fer tings we didn’t bother.
'Ide us nowt befurr we’re ripped.
TRUCKS: Down the tracks, and pray that we get back
We carry things not people
They weigh a lot
That isn’t what… we like…
COACHES: They’re strong and stupid…
TRUCKS: None of us may be a genius.
But we know one thing…
What we know is…
Great…! We are Freight!
Great…! We are Freight!
COACHES / TRUCKS:
It’s the Mamas & Papas / And even Frank Zappa.
It’s the Queens and Toms / And get your bell rung.
And perform in HAIR / And it’s fun when you’re bare.
TRUCKS / COACHES:
Great! / Blokes! / Great! / Jokes!
COACHES: Passengers who puke on the rails.
TRUCKS: That’s why we like to haul shale.
ALL: On the rails, On the rails, On the rails, On the rails.
Are Great, Are Great, Are Great, Are Great, Are GREAT!!!
(A new set of vans com out - all of Tugger's minions... Exotica, Electra, Vickie, Jemmi and Cettie)
I SEE / THEY SEE (Played to “AC/DC”)
CONTROL (Archie): What’s this? Tugger’s actually in this is? And these are?
CONTROL’S MOM (Ginny): These are his minions…
PURL (Deme - jumping behind Bomba when Exotica comes out with a Uzi): She’s got a GUN!
URPP (Exotica): Yes! And I can use it, too! I am Urpp, Electro’s ammunition coach…
DINAH (Bomba): Tugger needs ammunition?
URPP (Xottie - holding the bridge of her nose): Honey, he needs all the help he can get…
WENCH (Electra - coming out in a French Maid’s outfit… made to look like train parts…) I am Wench - AND NOBODY BETTER LAUGH AT ME!
ASHCAN (Cassie): What are you other than the obvious?”
WENCH (Electra - using her feather duster suggestively and showing Cassie the handle end of it): I am Electro’s 'repair' coach, and you know what you can do with this…
SM (Jelly): Morgan! Your line!
DUSTBIN (Morgan): Da waiy she’s showin’ dat dere ting around? Oi ain’t saiyin’ a ting, Oi ain’t.
FLATHEAD (MJ): Me neither…
PURSE (Vickie - coming out glittering with diamonds, and with a money clip that serves as a belt buckle for her outfit.) Wusses. You know, this is not a bad part after all… I am Purse, Electro’s money Van. Electro was rich… He didn’t look at the pre-nup contract too close *snicker*…
(Cettie and Jemmina come out - dressed identically but with Cettie in blue and Jemmi in pink.)
BOLTUP (Cettie): Am I supposed to be a boy-car?
GOIL (Jemmi): What do you mean?
BOLTUP (Cettie): I’m in, like, blue and you’re in, you know, pink…
PURL (Deme - to Bomba): I can’t wait to hear what they are…
GOIL (Jemmi - to Cettie): Just say your lines, and we’ll worry about your color afterward…
BOLTUP (Cettie): I’m, like, Boltup, Electro’s ice cream van…
GOIL (Jemmi): I’m Goil, Electro’s taco wagon…
BOLTUP (Cettie): Like, he’s cool…
GOIL (Jemmi): Nope, he’s hot (shaking her hand side-to-side).
DINAH (Bomba): That explains his, uh, ventilation problem?
PURL (Deme): Now who’s been around Rumble too long?
EVERYONE: A megadolt… A megawhat?
Poor, warm, average. Poor warm tepid.
Poor, warm, average. Poor warm tepid.
Electro… Electro… Electro… Electro…
(Tugger comes out with a battery operated set of Christmas lights all wrapped around him, and skates right in-between the girls…)
ELECTRO (Tugger): Heeyyyy! Am I spiffy or what?
DINAH (Bomba): I’ll go with the 'or what'.
ELECTRO (Tugger): I am electric - come feel my attraction (Bomba: I’m not feelin’ nothing!)
Feel my magnetism - you will agree (Cassie: Not!)
I am electric - I have the contacts (Deme: Not with me…)
I am electric - And I’m not for free!
I SEE, THEY SEE, it’s okay by me.
I can switch - hey! That’s not for me!
I am electric - I want ladies to touch me.
I will shock them - set them on fire.
I can reach up and get some white lightning.
Have a taste then, it’s like a live wire…
I SEE, THEY SEE, it’s OK by me…
I won’t switch, I like girls you seeeeeeeee…
ALL: Electro… Electro… Electro…
ELECTRO (Tugger): I am electric, resistance is futile…
Feel my belt buckle - you will agree.
You can’t ignore me, you must adore me
I am electric. I’ll zap you, you’ll see.
I SEE, THEY SEE, it’s okay by me.
I’ll use a whip to turn you on to me!
Use a whip to turn you on to me!
Use a whip to turn you on to me!
ALL: Electro… Electro… Electro… Electro…
ELECTRO (Tugger): Use a whip to turn you on to meeeeee!
(Coming in, waving US Flags, is a set of Toms dressed in black tender outfits - which resemble black kitchen pots with eyeholes in them... Finally, Quaxo appears.)
PUMPING IRON (Quaxo’s number - no need to change it…)
CONTROL (Archie): Hoo boy, now this trouble really is… The raining champion… He is champion of raindrops?
SM (Jelly): How’d you get this part?
CONTROL’S MOM (Ginnie): Because he acts like a kitten…
CONTROL (Archie): Do not! (Turns and faces the corner and starts to suck his thumb).
COACHES: It’s Greazy! It’s Greazy! It’s Greazy, the diesel. Come on , Greazy, race with me…
[Quaxo comes out front adorned in an outfit that shows off his physique - most of it in the colors of the Onion Pacific… He strikes a few poses, and then begins to pick Queens off his arms and legs. Bomba tries to push them off.]
DINAH (Bomba): Back off, all of you! He’s mine in this show!
SCATTERBURR (Offstage): Watch it, Bomba!
GREAZY (Quaxo): (He begins with 50kg dumbbells…)
Here comes the diesel train, Listen to its refrain, See me pumping…
The diesel’s on its way, I’m going to win the day, See me pumping…
Listen to the clatter the weights on course,
I am so strong that I can bench-press a horse.
Deltoids bulging while my biceps flex, Watch my pecs!
[The Queens mew, then start fanning themselves as he moves up to the 75kg set.]
See me hustle, see my muscles, Pumping Iron.
Trying to build my body, trying not to lose my mind.
See me straining, I’m in training, Pumping Iron.
I’m the diesel engine, and I’m Pumping… and I’m Pumping… and I’m Pumping…
Pumping Iron…
COACHES: Well, he’s the one we’ll choose, Scatterburr will just lose, see him pumping…
There ain’t another Tom, who’s even built as strong, see him pumping…
Everybody’s gonna say that “Tom is hot!” And we are saying that’s he turns me on a lot.
The undisputed leader here in Rolling Socks…
GREAZY: See my socks…?
[During the instrumental, Quaxo does all sorts of weight lifting, which causes plenty of mews, groans and several fainting spells out in the audience, in the control booths, and backstage.]
GREAZY (Quaxo) and the (Coaches):
See me hustle, see my muscles, Pumping Iron.
Stretching my sweats real tight, I’m heaving on my weights.
See me flex my delts and pecs (Mew), I’m pumping Iron…
I’m THE diesel engine, Hey, I’m pumping, you know I’m pumping, said I’m pumping…
Heading for the rally (Heading for the Rally!),
Gonna win the first race! (Gonna win the first race!)
I’m gonna run the longest (The biggest and the strongest!)
I’m pumping, you know I’m pumping, said I’m pumping…
Well, I’m so beautiful… (MEW!)
I’m Pumping Iron. (He bench-presses the entire weight rack…)
COLOR OF FREIGHT (Played to “Coda of Freight”)
GREAZY (Quaxo - towering over Tugger): You! You’re overloaded…
ELECTRO (Tugger): I’m electric… uh, taking over?
GREAZY (Quaxo): You will have to beat diesel…
DINAH (Bomba): Take on these here… (pointing at Quaxo’s muscles)
GREAZY & DINAH: Take on these here (Quaxo flexes both arms - Tugger wilts.)
MINIONS: Electricity is sucha charge…
ELECTRO (Tugger): I will enter - I will win… (Stares Quaxo in the chin)
GREAZY (Quaxo): You’ll never win - You’ll never win… (Stares back)
BOOBOO (Misto - coming out between Quaxo and Tugger) It will be moi!
RUSTUP (Munkus): Listen to me…
RUMGO (Skimble - sniffing around): Who made that hiss!?
RUSTUP (Munkus): I’m gonna enter!
EXPRESSO (Alonzo - sees Munkus): Who is this?
THE PRINCE (BJ): It’s moldy and dusty, his cossie is rusty!
TURNOFF (Brutus): Hello, Munkus…
RUSTUP (Munkus): Say the lines, Brutus!
TURNOFF (Brutus): He’s, uh, gonna race… How’s that?
NINTENDO (Cori): ** He’s going to lose face! **
ELECTRO (Tugger): Hey! NO fair using, uh, that mind stuff here!
DINAH (Bomba): Definitely puts Tugger at a disadvantage…
RUSTUP (Munkus - now holding the bridge of his nose): I’m going to enter, I’ll be victorious, I’m gonna win.
RUSTUP & (ENGINES):
Earth, water, air, fire…
(You’ll never win, you’ll never win, I’m going to beat you, and maybe I’ll cheat you)
See the steam rise higher. (Deme: Oh, Munkus…)
(Haven’t a chance, not even in pants, I’m gonna win it, yes, I’m gonna wing it…)
Earth, water, air, fire…
(I’m gonna win, I’m gonna win, I’m going to beat you, and maybe I’ll cheat you)
See the steam rise higher. (Deme: Oh… Munkus… ~thud~)
(I gonna win this race, I’ll be victorious cause I’m gonna win...)
ALL: Lo-co-motion… Lo-co-motion…
COACHES / TRUCKS:
It’s the Mamas & Papas / And even Frank Zappa.
It’s the Queens and Toms / And get your bell rung.
And perform in HAIR / And it’s fun when you’re bare.
TRUCKS / COACHES:
Great! / Blokes! / Great! / Jokes!
COACHES: Passengers who puke on the rails.
TRUCKS: That’s why we like to haul shale.
ALL: On the rails, On the rails, On the rails, On the rails.
Beware of the engine, who gets house detention.
Defeat by a rival, who watches Survival.
Look out for the carriage; who’s looking for marriage.
The wagons who prattle, and rattle, and tattle.
Are Great, Are Great, Are Great, Are Great, Are GREAT!!!
(After the audience slaps itself awake, which sounds at least like applause, most of the cast skates off - except for Cettie, who misses the Proscenium Arch again, and Electra goes out to get her. Most of the Toms whistle at the two Queens. Cettie tries to stop and wave at the audience, but Electra drags her offstage. Munkus comes in with the Coaches: Deme, Bomba, Cassie and Tantomile.)
CRAZY (Why change a perfectly functional title?)
RUSTUP (Munkus): Where I go, Deme better follow.
When the mood strikes, move aside…
Maybe now, or maybe tomorrow.
Come on, I’ll take you for a ride.
COACHES: Crazy - can you believe him?
He’s crazy - Deme, please leave him.
He’s crazy, we’re crazy, going crazy.
RUSTUP (Munkus): Watch me hit the door in the closet.
PURL (Deme): Wait up, Munkus, what’s it gonna prove?
RUSTUP (Munkus): Ride with me, these lyrics are suggestive.
No one can move the way I do…
COACHES: Crazy - can you believe him?
He’s crazy - Deme, please leave him.
He’s crazy, we’re crazy, going crazy.
RUSTUP (Munkus): You know this is crazy!
COACHES: Crazy - can you believe him?
He’s crazy - Deme, please leave him.
He’s crazy, we’re crazy, going crazy.
RUSTUP (Munkus): Hold on tight - we’ll go for R rating.
Must be right - we haven’t been stopped yet…
You and me go steamin’ together…
PURL (Deme): We had better get off the set…
COACHES: Crazy - can you believe him?
He’s crazy - Deme, please leave him.
He’s crazy, we’re crazy, going crazy.
RUSTUP (Munkus): You know this is crazy!
COACHES: Crazy - can you believe him?
He’s crazy - Deme, please leave him.
He’s crazy, we’re crazy, going crazy.
Going crazy, we’re crazy, going crazy.
ALL: Going Crazy!
(Bomba leads the pack of Queens after Munkus, leaving Deme alone on the stage. She skates around expertly while she sings…)
MAKE UP THIS PART (Played to “Make Up My Heart”)
PURL (Deme): It’s time to choose between the two of them
I’d better make a start.
I think I’d better make up this part.
Tell me how to make up this part…
They say two lovers can be twice the fun
They think they’re being smart.
But then I’m making up this part.
Yes, I am making up this part
One of them is sweet.
One of them has fur.
But both of them are sweet
And deep in my heart.
Make up my mind.
Make up this part…
I don’t want one to win and one to lose…
Can’t tell them yes or no.
Choosing one means… I don’t know…
I can’t think of letting one go…
You’d think two lovers would be twice the fun.
It’s tearing me apart…
Somebody help me make up this part.
Tell me how to make up this part…
One of them has style
And holds me really tight.
The other makes me smile
So who is real smart?
Make up my lines.
Make up this part…
So who is real smart?
Make up my lines.
Make up this part…
It’s time to choose between the two of them
I’d better make a start.
I think I’d better make up this part.
Tell me how to make up this part…
One of them has style
And holds me really tight.
The other makes me smile
So who is real smart?
Make up my lines.
Make up this part…
One of them is sweet.
One of them has fur.
But both of them are great
And deep in my heart.
Please someone help me outta this part.
Tell me how to make up this part…
RUSTUP (Munkus - offstage): Do you know what she’s talking about Bomba? If that song is what I think it is, it’s her as Purl wondering who she wants… me or Tugger… and she, uh… let’s just say she’s not crazy about Tugger…
DINAH (Bomba - chuckling): Crazy tomcat. One has fur - that’s you, sweetcheeks. The other is Chocolate, handsome. Toms!
RUSTUP (Munkus): OH… forgot about that… That is a tossup with Deme…
RACE ONE
CONTROL (Archie): Hokey Dokey… Race number Vun! Trains at the starting gate. Ready… Set… Go!!! Greazy and Expresso are leading early with Nintendo, uh, wherever he is… Expresso tries, but is double boom-boom from the Champion and Electro… (Alonzo: Aaiiieeeeee!!!! ~thud~) Oooo. I bet that a mark leaves! Ah, There’s Nintendo… somehow in the lead… (FRAAPPPPP!!!) Oooo. Cori looks a bit fried… And there’s the checkerboard flag… Greazy the Diesel WINS… Well, Duh! And Electro is second. They go to the Finals… Hoo boy…
[Old Deuteronomy comes out with a wheelbarrow, and starts picking up Expresso and Nintendo. Both Alonzo and Cori groan as big old POOPY dumps them in the wheelbarrow. The Rockies, MJ and Morgan come rolling out to assist.]
POOPY’S BLUES (Played to “Poppa’s Blues”)
ROCKY 1 (Tumble - as Old Deut breaks wind): Poopy’s unloading again…
FLATHEAD (Jerrie): 'E been eatin’ beans…
ROCKY 2 (Gus Jr.): With salsa too, whooo!
DUSTBIN (Morgan): And a mioght 'eavy on da onions, says Oi…
ROCKY 3 (Pounce): Yo, Poopy! Do the number so we can get outta here!
POOPY (Old Deut) & (The Trucks):
On the first line of the blues… is always belched a second time… (Oh, yeah?)
First line of the blues… is always belched a second time (Really smooth.)
So by the time you get to the third line… You’ve had time to gross them out real fine…
Oh, there ain’t no law that the third belch has to be different at all…
Oh,no! There ain’t no law that the third belch has to be different at all…
No, there ain’t no law that the third belch has to be different at all… (Gee, that’s… lame…)
(Misto leans over and swipes Presley’s Harmonica…)
Never borrow no mouth organ… not even from your worst friend…
Oh, no! Never borrow a mouth organ… not even from your best friend…
'Cos you may survive the blowing…
(Misto plays a few good licks on the harmonica until he gets to a note that he inhales… He turns a vivid shade of green…)
But the Suckin’s gonna get you in the end… Oooohhhhh! Yeaaaaaaahhhh!!!
DUSTBIN (Morgan - looking at Misto): Oi don’t tink that’s da end barfin’ up, says Oi…
(They tote Alonzo, Cori AND Misto off stage while Old Deut picks up the harmonica like it is toxic waste… which is debatable considering it’s from Presley… Old D tosses it in the Orchestra Pit, which has the same effect as pitching in a live hand grenade. The Orchestra files out like the crowds at Paloma when the bulls are released…)
[The lights come on in the house, and there is a mass exodus for the bathrooms…]
SM (Jelly): End of Act One… Thank the Everlovin’ Cat…
LIGHTS and CURTAIN…
***** END OF ACT ONE (Thank the Rumpus!) *****
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