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THE JELLICLE CHRONICLES - YEAR NINE
TANFASTUCKS
By Dennis C. Callin (Rumblepurr)
Edited by Jasen M. Lentz (Purrcival)
Parody of FANTASTICKS by Tom Jones and Harvey Schmidt
ACT TWO
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PROLOGUE: Ah, yes… The old “After Intermission stretch.” Although the Play does not actually label the acts, you could say that CATS and FANTASTICKS are wonderfully identical in their acts… Well, maybe you could say that, but maybe not… ACT ONE of FANTASTICKS could be labeled “In the Moonlight.” And conversely - ACT TWO could be labeled “In the Sunlight.” Could be… Not!
Okay - everyone remembers that the author, Tom Jones, is NOT the singer, right? And, “Fantasticks” was not the first title and story. AND, that “Maria” was a song in the first version of this turkey and not West Side Story, right…? We may still get them to disown it…Anyhoo, I think we are still in the process of going to the loo, so queue on up, and get the job done…
Oh, I forgot… There is no opening music to tell you the Second Act is starting… So, you had better get back to your seat, or you’ll miss it… Uh, I said you should get back to your seats or you’ll miss… Oh, never mind… We pipe the music through the restroom speakers anyway. Bwhahahahaha! You can’t get away!!! Well, at least if you’re in the loo, you won’t mess up the floor or the lobby. Uh, guys? Stay away from the potted plants…
In the Green Room
Tugger, with an ice bag on his head, was already in the room when Munkus flopped down on the old sofa, and then Jenny and Jelly went through to the Girls Locker Room. Teazer entered in yakking up a storm with Jemmina, and they too exited into the Girls’ room. Counting on his fingers, he came up two cast members short.
“Where’s Misto and Vickie?”
Munkus groaned. “We left them under a blanket, remember?”
“Oh… OH!!! Rumpus! In front of the House?”
“They’re under a blanket, Tugger.”
“The way those two moan and groan? Munkus, a blind person can tell what they’re doing under there!”
Soon afterward, Vickie came in, and went by, dripping wet. Of course, the two Toms did not mind, seeing that the light blue dress she almost wore was now transparent when soaked! The door slammed on the Girl’s Locker Room.
Misto came in just then, also soaking wet. Munkus shook his head.
Tugger snickered. “Electra got ya with the fire hose again, right, Misto?”
“How could you tell?” He waved his paw, and the water disappeared.
“Tugger is highly observant,” Munkus sniggered.
“I noticed,” Misto sniggered. “His fly was open all through his scene…”
“It was?” Munkus shook his head.
“I thought I felt a draft,” Tugger commented.
(Places for Act Two…)
“Already?”
Munkus went over to the water fountain and downed six aspirin tablets. After swallowing, he turned and grinned. “You have to go back under the blanket again, remember?”
Misto grimaced. “Being under there with Vickie is fine, but I sure wish someone would tell Jenny to lay off the fish tacos. She goes a bit overboard on the salsa…”
“Oh, put a sock on it, Powder Paws,” Jenny said as she came out, chomping on a fish taco. “Your tuna casserole on matinees is pretty rank too.”
“And Teazer has… well, she has bouts of…” Victoria was trying to be proper.
“She breaks wind a lot,” Jelly said, her no-nonsense attitude showing.
“That’s what I was trying to say,” Vickie nodded. “But I was trying to be a lady.”
“Oi was just troying to be a Laidy,” Teazer mimicked. “Oh, droy up, Vickie. Dis is from a Whoite Tart w’oos skirt 'em is up around 'er naivel, it is!”
“You’re just jealous…”
“Well, let’s see dis Act, Vickie. Oi’s not warrin’ any undies undah my unitard!”
Tugger chuckled. “Teazer? Dueling with Vickie? That would be interesting if it were Bomba and Scatty and Silvie!”
Munkus snorted. “Don’t even go there, Tugger.”
(PLACES NOW!)
“I hate it when he gets in a snit,” Jelly said, flipping off the speaker. “By the way, Tugger. Your fly is open.”
“Trust Jelly to notice a guy’s fly is open,” Jenny groused.
Tugger pulled up the zipper before leaving the Green Room. “No respect.”
“Hey, Tugger,” Misto patted the Leopard Cat on the shoulder. “At least they notice!”
“Yeah! They do! The Tugger still has it…”
“Lost it everywhere else,” Jemmi said as she closed the door, “but he still has that!”
ACT TWO:
(The lights come on and the lumpy blanket is relatively the same as it was. Munkus comes on and trips over the blanket. He glares at the audience while drumming his fingers on the stage.)
Munkus: Didn’t take the hint and escape before we started again, did you? Oh, well. That just means we gotta do the last part of this… (He grabs a cardboard moon off the pole on the front of the set. Stares at it and shakes his head.)
Their moon was cardboard… That’s easy enough to take care of… (He crumples it and throws it off stage… Electra throws him a heavier one.) Okay, change of line. Their moon was ceramic… ooopsy. (He tosses it and it shatters offstage. Electra lets Shadowdancer throw in another one - this one a white bowling ball. Munkus nearly staggers off stage with it.) Okay, I think I’d better go with it
Their Moon was a bowling ball, heavy.
Very apt to break a toe
And what was last night hot-stuff
Will roll gutters when you go.
This play’s not done. Oh, no, not quite.
For we won’t let you go while this thing is ripe.
And despite the fact that we don’t care,
We’ll tell you when you pick up your spare.
So, we would like to finish what was foolishly begun,
Even though I’ve got this spot that itches on my bum,
Until we’ve gone out and then burn this script
For now, I’m gonna run…
(Again, Munkus takes a four-step approach, and rolls the ball off into the wings. Someone up in the Sound Booth spins the “Strike” sound-bit, and Munkus flashes the “OK” sign. He runs into the wings, grabbing a corner of the blanket as he goes, catching the rest of the cast off-guard. Misto has his finger up his nose, Jenny and Jelly are scratching themselves in the worst of possible places, and Teazer has just goosed Victoria with the stick. They see the audience, grin, and wait for Quaxo to begin the downbeat. The conductor grins…)
THIS ACT IS TOO TRIPE (Sung to “This Plum is Too Ripe”)
Vickie: This act is too tripe.
Misto: Sorry. Please don’t watch me while I’m flossing.
Vickie: Sorry.
Jelly: You’re playing hopscotch in the magnolias.
Jenny: Sorry. You’re standing on my FOOT!
Jelly: SORRY!
Vickie: Row, row, row your boat…
Electra: VICKIE!!!
Vickie: Okay! Take away the fruity cocktails.
Take away that okra pie.
What at night seems to be septic
May be sinking by and by.
Misto: Take away the stewed tomatoes.
Take away the pitted prunes.
What at night seems to be septic
May be sinking much too soon.
Jelly: Take away the Pepto-Bismol.
Take away the Lysol spray.
What at night seems to be septic
May be sinking by today.
Jenny: Take away the sweetened fruit punch.
Take away the Pepsi Light.
What at night seems to be septic
May be sinking in the light.
ALL: So take this away and bundle it tight.
Yes, take it away and then deep six it!
So take it away - this act is too tripe!
Vickie: I say that it is a pity
Misto: I say we flee the city!
(They start their verses in sequence like “Row, Row, Row…”)
Vickie: Row, Row, Row…
Electra: VICKIE!!!!
Vickie: Okay! Take away the fruity cocktails.
(Misto starts here.) Take away that okra pie.
What at night seems to be septic
May be sinking by and by.
Misto: Take away the stewed tomatoes.
(Jelly starts here) Take away the pitted prunes.
What at night seems to be septic
May be sinking much too soon.
Jelly: Take away the Pepto-Bismol.
(Jenny starts here.) Take away the Lysol spray.
What at night seems to be septic
May be sinking by today.
Jenny: Take away the sweetened fruit punch.
Take away the Pepsi Light.
What at night seems to be septic
May be sinking in the light.
Jelly & Jenny: By freeway!
Jelly & Jenny & Misto: Munch the moon!
Vickie: All the Flies!
Misto: This act is too tripe!
EVERYBODY IN THE THEATRE: SORRY!
Jenny: Well this is another fine mess you’ve gotten us into…
Jelly: Me! You swipe a line from Laurel & Hardy, and you blame me?
Misto: Well, no one’s gonna mess with you anymore, my dearest.
Vickie (dryly): Yes, that was really fancy swordplay…
Jenny: You mean stchick play, don’t you?
Jelly: More like sick-play.
Misto: Hey! I won, didn’t I?
Vickie: Yes. Bored every single one of them to death.
Misto: But I still got them all, right? All six of them.
Jenny: What? Since when did three become six?
Vickie: Wait! It gets better…
Misto: One after another fell to my blade. A dozen bodies littered the field…
Jelly: Oh, give me a break…
Jenny: And me a barf bag…
Vickie: Are you going to explain to us what’s going on here?
Jelly: Is it in the script?
Jenny: Yeah. In fact, it’s in your lines.
Jelly: Huh? (She digs the script out of the back pocket of her overalls. After thumbing through it, she locates the pages, and reads it.) Son of a gun… (To Misto) Hey, Bright Eyes! Come over here and smell the roses…
Misto: You smell more like manure.
Jelly: New cologne. Ode de Dung…
Jenny: How many villains did you stab, Misto? Uh, Matt?
Misto: Uh, eighteen of them…
Jelly: You got one, and Vickie got the other two… In fact, I’m just on my way to find Munkus and bitch at him for overcharging me on the moonlight.
Misto: Wha…?
Jelly: You mean you actually believe you were the mighty Hero? Hey, Jenny! Go get those deed forms for the Brooklyn Bridge, Westminster Abbey and Grant’s Tomb. I’ve got a live one here!
Vickie: I told you, Misto, er, Matt.
Misto: That can’t be!
Jenny: Check out this invoice…
Misto: (Holding a blank piece of paper - upside down): One old decrepit actor to spout bad lines and sword fight. One buxom Indian Scout who dies as long as she falls backward. One El Bellow (Munkus from offstage: That’s Gallow! Electra shorty after: That’s Guy-yo!) who rides in wearing a gorilla costume and then allows himself to be defeated by a fraidy-cat! Munku! I can out-swordfight you any day in the week. (Wet raspberry from offstage). One moon… (White bowling ball rolls across the stage…) Yep, that’s the scene all right!
Vickie: Told ya.
Jelly: Teazer? Let’s build the wall once more… (*sigh*) Jenny? Get on your side of the stage again. El Bellow is coming on yet again.
Jenny: If he had kidnapped me instead of Vickie, this would have ended “happily ever after.”
Jelly: Yeah. Munkus would’ve gotten a hernia and the audience would’ve have died laughing.
(Jenny and Jelly stomp offstage in opposite directions - the wrong side. They come back on and go off the correct sides. Munkus comes on and stops between Misto and Vickie.)
Munkus: Hi!
Vickie: Hello, hot-stuff.
Misto: And this is… El… Hey, Leccy? The spelling is Gallo - you know… like the wine label?
Electra (comes out with the script and whaps Misto between the ears): It’s Spanish and pronounced “Guy-yo!” Got it!? (She stomps back to her place.)
Misto: PMS already, Leccy? (He dodges the other combat boot.) Okay. You’re El Guy-yo?
Munkus: It’s one of the aliases I use.
Misto: You want to try the swordfight for real?
Munkus: It depends on whether any of the Healers want to give you band-aides…
Misto: Do you want me to fry your tail for you?
Vickie: Rumpus! It stinks of testosterone here! Break it up you two!
Misto: And you! (Under his breath.) Vickie, I’m just speaking the lines here… (Out loud.) You’re supposed to be a hot piece of fluff? Hah!
Vickie: (under her breath): Ooo. I love it when you talk rough to me… (Out loud.) You’re supposed to be a hot stud muffin? Hah!
Misto: (under his breath): Later at the cast party? (Out loud.) I can find better tarts in the toaster treats section of the supermarket than you!
Vickie: (under her breath): I’ll bring the ropes. (Out loud.) And I pick up better Toms at the supermarket myself.
Misto: (under his breath): And the whips & chains? (Out loud.) Where? In the frozen food section?
Vickie: (under her breath): Of course, oh, and borrow Munk’s mask. That’s kinky! (Out loud.) They may be cold, but they’re at least… (VICKIE!) available… (She licks her teeth)
Electra: (from the SM desk): Get on with it, you two!
Misto: Do I really have to do this song?
Electra: You want me to come out there again?
Misto: I’ll do the song. (Under his breath to Vickie.) Later, babe!
Vickie (growling seductively, her tail rubbing over him as she goes offstage): Definitely…
Munkus (who has been shaking his head and holding the bridge of his nose): Rumpus…
I CAN’T SEE SKAT (Sung to “I Can See It”)
Misto: Beyond that door lies a new corvette!
Munkus: Beyond that door is a van.
Misto: Beyond that door lies a hotrod steaming!
Munkus: Little kittens screaming!
Misto: Hot Times!
Munkus: Boredom!
Misto: Freeways!
Munkus: Tie-ups!
Misto: Wind blowing in my mane!
Munkus: After having kittens, he may have little that remains…
There’s a price he must pay
It’s a well-known bill…
But its sum is murder
And it doesn’t take long to fill.
Misto: I can fill… (That doesn’t sound right!!!)
Munkus: That petty little thing that polishes bright.
That thing you take when you aren’t quite right!
That pill (Misto: what’s a pill?) Pill… (Misto: who’s a pill?) Pill…
Misto: For I can see skat
Sliming sidewalks
It coats the floor inviting you to fall - ker-splat!
I can smell skat
It sure smells bad.
I know this script, I know people want it - to burn!
Who knows - maybe - all the libel that I see
May be waiting just for me to say
Take me away!
Make me see skat! Make me smell skat!
I know it’s here, I know this script really may be!
Let it burn!
Misto (with Munkus answering him):
I can see skat. (He can’t see skat!)
Sliming sidewalks (Ooo, on sidewalks!)
Munkus: It makes your feet slip and fall on the grass…
Misto (with Munkus answering him):
I can smell skat. (He can’t smell skat!)
It sure smells bad. (Rumpus, it does!)
Munkus: Don’t check too close or maybe you’ll fall on your (MUNKUS!) …bum!
BOTH: Who knows - maybe - all the libel that we see.
May be waiting just for me to…
Munkus (with Misto getting in front of him constantly):
Sayyyy… (I can see skat!)
Sayyyy… (Sliming sidewalks!)
Sayyyy… (I can smell skat!)
Sayyyy… (Take me away - I want no more of it!)
(Munkus and Misto fight for front stage - moving forward the entire time…)
Misto (with Munkus trying to get his part in):
Make (Make him see skat!) me see the skat that lies in front of me.
Make (Make him smell skat!) me know it smells real bad - don’t lie to me!
BOTH: We know it so, we know it really can be (Munkus holds this note…)
Misto: I don’t care about this anymore. Let me run away forever more.
BOTH: We can’t learn!!!
(They both fall into the Orchestra Pit. There is a brief scuffle as everyone sorts out the music stands, electric cords, and Jellicles. Quaxo wades back and heaves Misto back onto the stage. After a minute more, Munkus is tossed up on the stage, his fur and biker shorts a bit disheveled. Sundancer appears with a smile on her face, and wearing Munkus’ Zorro mask. She takes it off and tosses it to Munkus.)
Munkus: Deme will get you for that, Sunny!
Sunny: I’ll die happy then… ~snicker~!
Munkus: ~ahem~ The world will teach him
Very quickly a secret HE needs to know.
A certain quip about cow patties,
And a song called “Cotton-eyed Joe.”
We commit him to the tender foul-ups
Who probably looks real punk.
And so here they are, the Dingbat Two
That are hiding in … the TRUNK!
(Tugger pops up - through the top of the steamer trunk lid… Munkus goes offstage, shaking his head and mumbling something about doing bodily harm to an agent.)
Tugger: Okay. Who locked the lid
again!?
Misto: Please… somebody shoot me now…
(The Leopard Cat leans over and undoes the clamps. He briefly disappears back through the hole and then opens the lid correctly. Jemmi’s head appears.)
Tugger: Hey, dude! (Tugger again struggles to get out of the steamer, and ends up sprawled on the floor.) I hate this bit! (Jemmi ducks down out of sight briefly, and then flies up, does a triple somersault and STICKS the landing! The entire orchestra holds up cards with “10” on it… except Aurora, who holds up a 9.9 on hers. The crowd boos her.) Okay, who put the star-trap inside the Trunk?
Misto: Never mind. Just get on with this so I can get offstage.
Tugger: Let’s see. I have some bad lines here…
Jemmi: Can I die now?
Tugger: Later… uh, Oh, Romero, Romero. Wherefore parked thou my Romero…?
Misto: Can I die now too?
Tugger: I may help you… Ah, yes. You wish to go treasure hunting, do you? Well take my hint, lad. When you ride the boat through the bayou and you enter a canal, look up and watch the talking skull. He does something really amazing when you go under it!
Misto: I’ve been on the Pirates of the Caribbean, Tugger.
Tugger: Rumpus! That’s my best trick.
Jemmi: And he’s the one who super-glued a Pound coin to the floor to watch people try and pick it up.
Tugger (looking a bit miffed): Skimble tried.
Misto (smirking): And then got a jig saw and actually cut the coin out of the floor…
Tugger: Spoilsport. Uh, what are we supposed to be doing?
Jemmi: Dying.
Misto: Terribly.
Tugger: Oh, yes… Jemmi, uh, Mort? You take his feet.
Misto: Say whaaaaaaaa?
(Tugger grabs Misto around his shoulders, tipping him over, and Jemmi grabs his feet around the ankles. Together, they carry him around the stage.)
Tugger and Jemmi:
Beyond the stage is Jenny’s Place
Is Jenny’s Place, is Jenny’s Place.
Beyond the stage is Jenny’s Place,
Where we all get ripped!
Beyond the stage is Jenny’s Place
Is Jenny’s Place, is Jenny’s Place.
Beyond the stage is Jenny’s Place,
And you don’t forget the Tip!
(They carry Misto out like he was a cardboard cutout. Munkus comes on the other side of the stage looking back into the wings. Electra hisses at him, and he adjusts his biker shorts again. Sundancer waves back and tosses back the Zorro mask again.)
Munkus: Now grant me, in your mind, a real play here.
A month goes by, and the stage gets moldy.
A month goes by, and we play a golden-oldie.
(Rumpleteazer comes waddling out, tissue paper obviously stuffed in her unitard top. With the stuffing, she can outdo Bomba. She smiles and leans over the edge of the stage. The sound of crickets fills the theatre. Miffed, she stomps back and begins to pantomime building a wall. Jenny (Bellemy) comes on and looks at Teazer.)
Jenny: Good job, Dearie. Those weeks doing Improv really help do the old wall-building bit, doesn’t it?
(Teazer threatens Jenny with an imaginary trowel. Jenny goes off and Jelly (Hucklebee) comes on. Jelly comes over and looks.)
Jelly: The third row of bricks is uneven… Next time use a level and a plumbed line.
(Teazer watches Jelly go off, and then begins tossing an imaginary brick up and down in her paw. Jenny comes back on, and Teazer grins and puts the “brick” into the wall.)
Jenny: Brr, it’s cold out here.
Teazer: Are ya kiddin’? Someowne turned da 'eater on, and its 'ot enuff ta wear Vickie’s cossie!
Jenny: Teazer? You’re a Mute - Shut up!
Teazer: My foirst startin' role in one of dese’ ere tings, and Oi ain’t got any loines.
Jenny: Duct tape. Next time, I bring the duct tape…
(Jenny goes off and Jelly comes on.)
Jelly: I love all of this… With the space this routine is taking up, we’ll have 30 pages yet. Hey, Teazer? How’s it going? Oh, wait. I forgot… You aren’t supposed to talk…
Teazer: 'Ardy 'ar 'ar, Jelly.
Jenny (Coming back out): Vickie’s in a snit backstage. She saw Teazer’s padding, and so she’s trying to stuff two sofa cushions down the front of her cossie. Good thing we don’t have to worry about that, right, Jelly?
Skimble (from offstage): Aye!
Jelly: (looking in that direction): The randy old goat thinks so anyhoo.
Teazer: Get ta da bloody song. Oi’m dieing out 'ere doin’ dis fraggin’ wall bit.
Jenny (snaps her fingers): Forgot the duct tape again…
Jelly: She’s roight about dis 'ere… Oh, Rumpus! You got me doing it too, Teazer!
Jenny: Never mind. Get to the intro lines.
Jelly: How’s your side of the Trash Heap?
Jenny: (Looking up at Cettie, who has nothing to do this time but wave at the people on stage): I can’t believe I’m doing this… Doing great, how’s yours?
Jelly: Growing! Nobody believes in recycling!
Jenny: And we’re getting rich doing it!
Jelly: So let’s do the song already!
PLANT SOME RUBBISH (Sung to “Plant a Radish)
Jenny: Plant some rubbish. Dig through rubbish.
Never any fuss.
That’s why I like recycling.
As long as it’s not us!
Jelly: Aluminum. And some copper.
And some plastic too.
That’s why I like recycling.
It doesn’t make you blue.
Jenny: It’s dependable!
Jelly: Trash is expendable!
BOTH: They throw away a lot of decent stuff.
Jenny: But with Recycling.
Jelly: It’s enlightening.
BOTH: You get money for the good junk or the rough.
Jenny: It’s not so tough.
BOTH: So, dig through trashcans. Plow through trashcans.
Jelly: Garbage and tile grout.
BOTH: That’s why we recycle then
You know what it’s about!
Jenny: Cans are boring.
Jelly: So is snoring.
BOTH: Don’t go there again!
A person who recycles is a very wealthy man!
Jelly: Go through garbage. Paw through garbage.
Stuff that you take back.
And if they don’t pay you,
You fake a heart attack!
Jenny: And not to worry. Get real squirrelly.
Make your eyeballs spin.
See that they pay you everything
Or you’ll recycle them!
BOTH: Every scrap of tin, you put in the bin,
Every bit makes good money for us two.
Jelly: If you throw away,
Jenny: Your good stuff today,
BOTH: We will be right there to snatch it up in our car.
So there you are!
BOTH: So - Hide your trash bags. Guard your trash bags.
Jelly: Or we’ll be right there.
BOTH: That’s why we like recycling,
And that is why we care.
It’s a honey.
It pays money.
Cash for our old age.
A person who recycles is a very wealthy man!
Jelly: A very wealthy…
Jenny: And real smelly…
BOTH: Ve-ry weal-thy man!!!
Jenny: Hey, I think I saw some full dumpsters down near the docks…
Jelly: They’re probably loaded with fish heads and other yucky stuff…
BOTH: CHARGE!!!
(Both of them go charging off. Vickie comes on soon afterwards. She decided that an appropriate use of lingerie would work better than padding, and so she got a Wonderbra©. That and the low neckline makes the difference, and Teazer waves one of her tissues in surrender. Munkus is on the top part of a ladder, his head in his paws…)
Vickie: I’d like to swim without a suit
In the lake deeper than my bum.
Then go to town in a see-through gown
And walk the streets 'til one.
Munkus: Just once, Just once.
Just once because we’re bored.
Vickie: You’d look funny in a see-through gown, Munkus.
Teazer: Sunny’s traying ta find one fer 'im!
Munkus: ~Ahem~ Nice look, Vick. You look like you really have boobs now.
Vickie: Thanks, but I don’t like how it squeezes the goodies.
Electra: GUYS! Get on with it!
Vickie: Don’t mind her, Munkus. She’s jealous 'cause I’ve got Toms drooling over me now.
Munkus: I hope they remember Misto’s a magic user who shoots lightning from his fingers.
Vickie: Right. Back to the script before Leccy goes apoplectic. What are you doing up there?
Munkus: Growing ripe…
Vickie: Rumpus, have they got that line right. What can you see from up there?
Munkus: Down the front of your dress for one… (A wadded up program bounces off his forehead.) Uh, everything there is to be seen, and a few others not to be mentioned.
Vickie: Well, if I climb up there, the Toms in the front row will see everything else…
(There is clapping and whistles from the audience. Vickie grins coyly over her shoulder.)
Munkus: So I’ll come down. (He does and is booed by the Toms in the front row.) Okay, what else do we have to put up with here.
Vickie: So, you’re a… What are you supposed to be in that outfit?
Munkus: Pounce keeps calling me “Zero,” but I think it’s pronounced “Zorro.”
Vickie: In this musical? Munkus, this isn’t 'Full Monty’ or 'Zorro, the Gay Blade.’
Munkus: We could only wish… I’m supposed to be your bandit…
Vickie (running her fingers through his chest fur): Misto won’t like me bringing home another Tom… You know? Your foot does the same thing Misto’s does when I do that to him.
Munkus: (tugging his collar open a little): Deme and Bomba knows that too.
Vickie: Do you ride a horse?
Munkus: I used to - until I developed a saddle rash… (Audience laughs hysterically for a few minutes.) That’s actually one of the lines, people!
Vickie: Never mind, Munkus. (She jumps up into his arms.) Take me away and ravish me!
Munkus: You and I? Us together?
Vickie (dryly): No, let’s invite Deme, Bomba, Cassie, Tugger, Misto and few more and make an orgy of it… Of course us, you twit!
Munkus: Song lyrics, airhead… this is the intro…
Vickie: Oh. Right. I knew that. Like dancing forever and ever… This isn’t the Jellicle Ball Revisited, is it?
Munkus: Close.
AROUND THE POUND (Sung and danced to “Round and Round”)
Munkus: Round the Pound 'til the break of day.
Dobies growl, Beagles bay.
Rottweilers howl at the moon they say
And Poodles are terribly gay…
Round the Pound and oy, does it smell!
Wrinkled Chows, but they sell.
All St. Bernards will slobber pell-mell.
And Poodles are terrible gay…
Vickie: I’m ready anytime. If you take me, I’m hot, don’t you know!
So, show me the way to go. I will try to be, please do it slow!
Munkus: Now in comes the dog vet, he has some vaccines.
With big hypodermics, they’re really obscene.
But since they are Pollies, they moan and they scream.
Vickie: I could barf.
Munkus: That’s doesn’t rhyme with “scream.”
(Tugger and Jemmi carry Misto out and lay him out on a table.)
Vickie: Look at the victim… I mean patient.
He’s going to get vaccinated…
For rabies or something horrible…
Yes, see! The Vet has a hypo. There it goes!
(Tugger takes out a hypodermic probably used by the San Diego Zoo for elephants. Jemmi puts a screen in front of Misto. And then, Tugger picks it up… and brings it down…)
Misto (appearing briefly over the top of the screen): YEEEEOOOOWWWCH!
Vickie: Oh what fun! I betcha that hurt, too.
Misto (from behind the screen): You’re next, Vickie…
Vickie: Bite me, Misto… That patient… Rumpus, he’s bleeding!
Munkus: Keep on jogging!
Vickie: But he’s bleeding!
Munkus: Just put on these glasses they’re rose-tinted.
Misto (Sees Tugger with a cordless drill): HELP!!!!!
Vickie: Oh, he’s just a big fraidy-cat. That won’t hurt at all. It’s only a tiny drill!
Misto: AAAAIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!!
Munkus: We’ll just jog! We’ll run round the Pound and mock them.
And Jog! Until we get a head buzz.
Just like you run a marathon
All we’ll do is daily heave.
All we’ll do is just heave…
All we’ll do is just heave…
All we’ll do is just…
Vickie: Ack! I’m nauseated!
Munkus: But you can’t be! This song’s just started!
Round the Pound 'til the break of day.
Dobies growl, Beagles bay.
Rottweilers howl at the moon they say
And Poodles are terribly gay…
Vickie: I’m ready anytime. If you take me, I’m hot, don’t you know!
So show me the way to go. I will try to be, please do it slow!
Munkus: I see the custodian, he’s terribly bored,
Mopping the cages, and mopping the floors.
He feeds them the brown slop, and chunky hard stuff.
Vickie: Ooo. How gross!
Munkus: Yesss! That awful hard stuff!
Vickie: Observe the ugly Pollies.
(Tugger and Jemmi come out in Pollicle gear - don’t tell us you need to know what THAT looks like!? Okay, for the culturally deprived… Tugger is wearing a lovely tan shoe box that used to contain a pair of combat boots, size 14EEE, and his paw and footwear are boxes that used to contain cereals from General Mills. Jemmi’s shoebox had a lovely pair of summer sandals and since she is dainty, her paws and footwear are Jello pudding cups. Misto wears his favorite black tennis shoe, and has pillows on his paws and feet. As usual, he loses one of them coming on…)
Vickie: My, they ARE ugly! (Tugger sticks his tongue out at her.) Oh look! See Spot! See Spot run. Run, Spot, Run! Look out for the Lorry, Spot…! Ooo. See Spot…
Misto: We did not need the first grade Primer lesson, Vickie…
Vickie: I thought it was funny.
Teazer: Oi tott is was funny… As 'bout as funny as Tugger’s backsaide.
Vickie: You’re a MUTE, Teazer, so zip it!
Teazer: Yeah? Ya and 'ow many of da Queen’s Guards?
Munkus: Can we get on with this?
Vickie: Sure, Munkie… Look at that, it’s a Pollie Play! Oh, no. It’s a Pollie Fight…
(Tugger and Misto wrestle with Tugger naturally getting the better of the shorter Tuxedo. Jemmi can only attack Misto’s ankle, and she gets dragged around the floor.)
Vickie: Oh Rumpus Rat! That shrimpy little black mutt is getting beat up!
Munkus: Put on the glasses and you won’t see the blood!
Misto: AAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!
Vickie: Hey! Tugger got him into the offstage dumpster for once. That’s a miracle… He usually doesn’t make it.
Misto: EEEEEEeeeeeeee (thud!)
Vickie: Oooo. That must smart!
Munkus (after shaking his head): We’ll just jog!
We’ll run round the Pound and mock them.
And Jog! Until we get a real head buzz.
Just like you run a marathon
All we’ll do is daily heave.
All we’ll do is just heave…
All we’ll do is just heave…
All we’ll do is just…
Vickie: Can’t we just cut out of this next verse?
Munkus: I wish, but Quaxo’s conducting. Play, Maestro, Play!
Everyone: Round the Pound 'til the break of day.
Dobies growl, Beagles bay.
Rottweilers howl at the moon they say
And Poodles are terribly gay…
Vickie: I’m ready anytime. If you take me, I’m hot, don’t you know!
So show me the way to go. I will try to be, please do it slow!
Munkus: They’ll do a neutering or maybe a spay.
I understand they’ll do that at night or at day.
The cruel vet comes in with an instrument tray.
Vickie: And they cut!
Munkus: Yes! It’s a pain in the butt!
(Tugger and Jemmi wheel Misto, who is strapped down on a gurney. Jemmi goes out and comes back in with a tray of very sharp and wicked looking - carpentry - tools: serrated saws, drills, chisels, even a planer. Tugger picks up a power jigsaw and turns it on. Misto looks at the tray, and disappears.)
Tugger: Misto! Get back here!
Munkus: Never mind! Just put up the screen and fake it!
Vickie: I knew he was a wuss! All that boffing on me and I only have two kitts.
Munkus: Just do the lines. We’re almost done.
Vickie: Oh look, there’s a faker…
Electra: That’s fakir… never mind.
Vickie: They’re going to operate without anesthesia! Oh, I can’t look!
Munkus: I wish I didn’t have to either. Just put on your glasses.
Vickie: You know, Tugger looks like that Doctor on the soap opera As the Stomach Turns.
Tugger: I am…
Jemmi: Am not!
Munkus (after shaking his head): We’ll - just - jog!
Everyone: We’ll run round the Pound and mock them.
And Jog! Until we get a head buzz.
Just like you run a marathon
All we’ll do is daily heave. (Munkus: I can see them spay a Bulldog!)
All we’ll do is just heave…
All we’ll do is just heave…
All we’ll do is just…
Round the Pound we’ll jog and smell
All we’ll do is just…
All we’ll do is just…
All we’ll do is just…
Misto (stumbles out and delivers his line between Munkus and Vickie): HHHEEELLLPPP!
(He falls on his face, and all four look down, and shrug their shoulders.)
Everyone else: HEAVE!
(Tugger and Jemmi carry Misto out again. Munkus looks like he’s trying to stave off a migraine and slowly losing. Vickie straightens out the bodice of her dress, and gets a few catcalls from the audience. She starts to do a little bit to the hem, and Munkus pushes her toward the wings…)
Munkus: Uh, you better go off and pack some stuff if we’re headed for Vegas… (
He disappears briefly and reappears, slapping his paws together like he was dusting them off.) I thought we’d never get that number over with. Let’s see… Oh, yes. Hey, Vickie, uh, Luisa! The necklace! (A light blue garter comes out, and Munkus snags it in midair. He looks at it.) I didn’t know you were wearing a garter, Vickie. Uh, it’ll do… Not Deme’s color… (A white one flies out, and Munkus snags that one.) That’s better…
(Munkus plays with the garter for a while, grins at the audience, and twirls it around on his finger.)
Munkus: Beyond that door lies a new corvette!
Misto: Beyond that door is a van.
Munkus: Beyond that door lies a hotrod steaming!
Misto: Little kittens screaming!
Munkus: Hot Times!
Misto: Boredom!
Munkus: Freeways!
Misto: Tie-ups!
Munkus: Wind blowing in my mane!
Misto: After having kittens, he may have little that remains…
(Misto comes back onstage, wearing several band-aides in strategic places. He painfully sits near Teazer, who has been trying to upstage everyone by flipping imaginary peanuts into the air and catching them in her mouth, smacking her lips and chewing noisily. Misto intercepts one and absently eats it. Vickie comes out and sits on the other side of Teazer. She does the same thing, and Teazer looks indignant. Teazer stomps off stage.)
Munkus: Okay. Got them both onstage again, and its time for me to wax poetic here.
THERE IS A CURIOUS PAIR OF DUCKS (Actually “There is a Curious Paradox…”)
Munkus: There is a curious pair of ducks that no one can explain.
Who understands the meaning of this insidious reframe?
Who understands why they wrote this thing, and made me spout this tripe?
Or why I really die a bit, because this cossie’s ripe.
I do not know the answer. Or why I really care.
I give to you this piece of skat, and then I’ll say “So there!”
(Munkus raspberries the audience and runs offstage before the fruit throwing starts. Vickie and Misto turn and face the audience.)
Vickie: I suppose we still gotta do this, right?
Misto: Yeah. Did you really give Munku one your garters?
Vickie (licking her teeth): From my left stocking. You want the other one?
Misto: Where’d the white one come from?
Vickie: Affy wears them…
Misto: Oh, my…
Electra: Will you two get on with it! The appetizers are on at Jenny’s!
Vickie: Put a sock it, Leccy. Geez! Don’t get your panties in a knot!
Misto: I’ll ask Tumble about that later… Uh, so now what?
Vickie: I don’t even want to know about Tumble and Leccy’s kinkiness. Uh, I hope you had fun?
Misto: Oh, I had a riot… You know Tugger actually tried to get me with that hypodermic?
Vickie: Lucky the needle is rubber.
Misto: Just don’t get around Tugger and power tools…
Vickie: Sing the song?
Misto: Let’s…
THEY WERE BLUE (Sung to “They Were You”)
Misto: When we mooned the Ball,
And the Month was May.
When the rumor was
That Tugger was gay.
I saw parodies, and they were so bad.
They were true. They were true. They were true.
Vickie: When the music stopped,
And crowds went away.
When the Junkyard went
To Denmark that day.
And Old D cracked up, on Moments they say.
Now we’re blue. Now we’re blue. Now we’re blue.
Both: Without them near me, I can’t see.
When they’re on stage, wonderful things come to be!
Misto: Every secret lair,
Vickie: Every Skimble Train,
Misto: Every Bustopher
Both: and each refrain.
All those cheerful scenes
And the music too.
Misto: Now we’re blue.
Vickie: Now we’re blue.
Both: Now we’re blue.
Misto: Now we’re blue.
Vickie: Now we’re blue.
Both: Now… we’re… blue…………
(Munkus comes out, motioning to each wing. Tugger and Jemmi come out from one side, Jenny and Jelly from the other. And then Teazer comes down from the ceiling on Misto’s magic rope!)
Munkus: Okay everyone. GROUP HUG!!!
TRY TO REMEMBER(refrain) (We still don’t… and now we don’t even care)
Munkus: Deep in December who wants to remember
Like Starblight Access we’ve lost our Junkyard.
Deep in December it’s hard to remember
The strut of Bomba, who made Toms… bad.
Deep in December, We’d like to remember
The paychecks that filled up our empty cupboards.
Deep in December we’ll try to keep warm
And Mumble…
FINALE
Quaxo cranks up the orchestra as the steel Protecto-Stage curtain comes down. This screen keeps most solid objects from damaging the stage, but the audience has learned that eggs and rotten fruit and vegetables can get through. So, the cast usually does not come out for curtain calls. There is a mad dash for the exits, since the cast has already made for the stage doors. The buses outside are waiting with the engines running. The armored escorts are also waiting and the cast manages to get over to Jenny’s before any of the audience can get to them…
No one tries to hit the orchestra, since Quaxo still has a supply of water balloons. From eyewitness accounts, the huge Black-White Tom was able to hit, with pinpoint accuracy, the fourth row aisle seat in the second balcony of the Paramint Theatre Complex and Martial Arts Training Center. The Army is trying to contact him with a lucrative contract for hurling missiles at other countries…
After seeing what the Jellicle Cast did to his play, both Tom Jones and Harvey Schmidt took out the notes on the original script and seriously began re-writing it. An attorney for Jerry Orbach is trying to assure audiences of his TV show that Mr. Orbach starred in the original cast of the play, and that he had NOTHING to do with this version.
As usual, the Tour was cancelled soon after the cast party at Jenny’s, which was greeted with thrilling news at every theatre around the world. Besides, the shelters opened up again, and the second showing could not get an audience. Misto and Vickie left soon after the drinks started and Munkustrap’s Zorro mask was available. Tugger took over the karaoke bar, and proceeded to help increase liquor sales. Teazer commented that she wants a speaking part next time, and was miffed when Rumblepurr mentioned they needed someone who could speak properly for the part of El Lizzie in My Lair Fady. The PTUC announced later that the show required a change since the owners of MFL will not allow it to be used anywhere but in Liechtenstein during the December snowstorms. There are rumors that PTUC is trying for Sound of Moosick, and that Macavity will star as Uncle Adolf…
For Season Ticket Holders - Unfortunately, the Paramint Theatre Ultranational Company still has six more productions… so, they still have six more tickets in their gift certificates.
And finally, we have reached…
***** THE END *****
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