Parody of CATS by Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber and Thomas Stearns Eliot
PROLOGUE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. We know. Make actual fun about CATS??? How sacrilegious can you guys get? Well, this one just goes to show you that NO MUSICAL IS SAFE!!! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA! Okay… I got that out of my system… Sorry… I just really needed to do that… I’m fine, now…Really, I am…[NOT!]
* Cracking knuckles * All right now! Let’s get this womiting puppy going… We all know the drill be now. Everyone repeat after me… We apologize to the following people…
First and foremost, we apologize to Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber, even though we don’t even TRY to play with the music, or even PLAY the music… If you turn on the CD, DVD, or even the Video, and substitute the following lyrics for the real thing, is that REALLY our fault? The person that comes close to ALW is, of course, Thomas Stearnes Eliot (affectionately known as T.S.). He is, fortunately for him, deceased, having gone to his reward in 1965. Hopefully, he will never hear, see, or read this worm-ridden Pollicle there. If so, well, we warned him… Probably another person in the Star Billing Apology category is Trevor Nunn, who directed CATS. We truly apologize to him because if he EVER reads this, he will never be able to watch, or even hear, CATS the same from then on…
Well, maybe this apology actually applies to John Napier (Set Designer), Gillian Lynne (Choreographer), and the numerous actors, actresses, dancers, and crew of the Broadway, London, various Tours, and the several International productions. After all, they know what the original looks and sounds like. A song lyric comes to mind: “Look what they’ve done to my song…” Well, guys… that’s showbiz. (oh, yeah!)
Finally, we apologize to Really Useful Group, Inc. Honestly… If they read this mongrel, they probably never WILL allow TJC ever to be published… maybe not even on toilet paper… Although we have never really researched that possibility yet…We are thinking in that direction, which shows how sick we really are…
Why are we doing this? Check the title of the First Act: “When Cats Are Maddened by the Midnight Dance!” We aren’t making that up! Would we lie to you? Uh, maybe we should rephrase that… Check the CD… the CATS site… They have it TOO! Hey! We have an alibi here!!! Like Mackie, baby, we ain’t here! Well, maybe we better not go this route…I mean some of you probably think we haven’t been “here” for quite some time!
And now, as thousands of People’s eyes look bloodshotly into their computer screens at this drivel… we start the Really Useless Groupies, Ltd., Theatrical Production of PEOPLES!--As produced by the Jellicle Troupe at the Paramint Community Theatre on the Southwest End.
PEOPLES
By Authors
PLAYBILL: The Actors prefer to be anonymous for some reason… Therefore, they may actually be played by someone you know… We reserve the right to say… “Well, they’re YOUR friends!” Any resemblance to anyone you know is purely your imagination…
SCENE: A typical large city that could literally be anywhere, but for the sake of using the UK Jellicles, we’ll drop this awful parody in London…
Conductor Adonis raises his baton, and most of the All-Kitten Some-Phony Orchestra commences playing the overture on the downbeat. Estella is late by a half count and remains so throughout the overture. The Second Kazoo is still a half-step flat since Peter still has not had the thing repaired since he stepped on it in the previous musical parody. Neon lights flicker all over the set, and the traffic light changes every 5 seconds. As the overture comes to a close, alarm clocks ring in various parts of the set.
A bare city street. Jellicle Cats, dressed in human garb, come walking out of an Underground stairway, various Shoppe doors, from alleyways and even popping out of manhole covers in the pavement, or from a convenient or not-so-convenient dumpster…
ACT ONE
JELLICLE SONGS FOR JELLICLE CATS:
Annoying Songs for Real People Prats By Dennis C. Callin (Rumblepurr)
Munkustrap stands tall, dressed in a three-piece pinstripe business suit with a bumbershoot:
Do you snore when you’re bored?
Demeter comes out of the alley dressed in a hot-red tank-top, short-shorts and thigh-high matching red boots with stiletto heels:
Do you walk in the park?
Skimbleshanks comes out in a Fast-Food uniform:
Eat at Burger King?
Asparagus Jr. comes out dressed as a plumber with a toilet plunger:
Do you work on the throne?
Tugger comes out dressed as a bartender.
Do you like things that bite and taste like it’s bark?
Alonzo comes out in a policeman’s uniform, munching on a donut.
Are you a cop on patrol?
Griddlebone comes out in a postal uniform
Work in cheap postal zones?
The “people” on stage run in circles all over the street, and then get out of the way for the next set of blithering idiots. The spotlight operators are getting dizzy just trying to keep up with all the clowns that show up.
Because Real People are and Real People do
Real People do and Real People would
Real People would and Real People can
Real People can and Real People do…
Jellylorum comes out dressed in the most mismatched set of clothes in clashing colors.
When you walk down the block, do you make people weep?
Coricopat comes out, his fur standing on end, holding two ends of a smoking electrical cable…
Are you crapped when you’re zapped by a storm in the air?
Jemmina sticks her head out of a dumpster, sings her bit, and falls back inside:
Do you drink yourself blind and find yourself on the street.
Old Deuteronomy makes a guest appearance from the Heavyside Layer
Can you fool the Big Guy at the Heavyside Layer?
The cast walks around all over the place, doing typical People things, occasionally flipping other Peoples off, throwing trash all over the place, breaking Shoppe windows and swiping stuff while Alonzo leans against the wall, munching his donuts…
Because Real People can and Real People do
Real People do and Real People can
Real People can and Real People hurl
Real People hurl and Real People drool
Real People drool and Real People can.
Tantomile stands coquettishly in an airline stewardess outfit.
Do you fly an airline to places you’d spit at.
Jennyanydots comes out as a 1960s Hippy
Familiar with candles…
Electra comes out as straight-laced no-nonsense Teacher
With the Book and the Bell!
Bombalurina comes out in a dress that makes Demeter look fully clothed! Demeter glares at her.
Are you Man’s best friend?
Mistoffelees comes out looking like a geek.
Or a pied-eyed assistant!
Tumblebrutus falls out of a doorway and tumbles down some stairs. Cettie throws his pants after him and gives him the finger.
Have you been an alumnus of some college prank.
Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer come out wearing bib-overalls
Are you a blob of a slob? Do you reek when you stink?
Etcetera comes out, looking typically blank.
Are you keen to seen as some jerky prat?
Cassandra is seen at the window of one of the buildings, leaning out, revealing what cleavage she has from a low-cut blouse:
Were you there in the house when there’s a jam in the sink?
Quaxo drives thru the crowd slowly in a taxi…
If you are and you be, you’re a Real People Prat!
Everyone joins in and prances all over the street, including walking on top of Quaxo’s taxi.
Annoying People songs for Real People Prats
Annoying People songs for Real People Prats
Annoying People songs for Real People Prats
Annoying People songs for Real People Prats
Annoying People songs for Real People Prats
We can drive down the street like some moronic jerk
We can do U-turns in the middle of the street.
Run People up the wall, make them swing in the trees
We find them in bars, where we all get wired!
Annoying People can and Annoying People Do
Annoying People can and Annoying People Do
Annoying People can and Annoying People Do
Annoying People can and Annoying People Do
Annoying People songs for Real People Prats
Annoying People songs for Real People Prats
Annoying People songs for Real People Prats
Annoying People songs for Real People Prats
Annoying People songs for Real People Prats
All the cast goes over and gathers up on the stairs with some of the smaller members getting nudged off into a dumpster, where they can hardly be seen. Pouncival come up with a banana peel draped over his head and between his ears.
Can you lip-sing in time with the Boys in the Band?
Or with 'N’Sync or even Brittany Spears (Eeewww).
And can you do (as prats do) begin with a heave (Jenny retches on pitch!)
That’s just like a hairball to those you drink beers!
Some Annoying People are “Queens” in the Night.
Swinging around in panties and tights.
Eating chocolates from Lady Godiva
Oh my Gawd! We sing like a choir!
The musty dustbin-ity of unabashed senility.
Round the restaurant shouting “Crap!”
Gawd help the People who walked into this Trap!
Senile, Hairless, Spiteful and Rude
To others who Do - What?!
The cast runs out in small groups and stare at the audience members in the front rows…
Annoying People do and Real People can
Annoying People can and Real People rue
Annoying People sing and Real People can’t
Annoying People nude and Real People crude
Annoying People swing and Real People prance
Annoying People songs for Real People Prats
Annoying People songs for Real People Prats
Annoying People songs for Real People Prats
Annoying People songs for Real People Prats
Now the cast actually points to various members of the audience indiscriminately.
Annoying People songs for Real People Prats
Annoying People songs for Real People Prats
Annoying People songs for Real People Prats
Annoying People songs for Real People Prats
Annoying People songs for Real People Prats
Asparagus [Jr.] goes to the edge of the stage and laughs at someone in the third row
There a prat over there, with a look of disgust
As much as to say that you guys make me sick…
Munkustrap joins Asparagus Jr., and both laugh at the same guy!
Do I actually see through the smog and the dust
A prat who’s not heard of this awful schtick?
What’s a real people prat? What’s a real people prat?
Munkustrap actually comes over and looks at Adonis. “What is a prat anyway?”
Adonis shrugs his shoulders. “Ask Rio.”
Munkustrap goes back to the others, looking puzzled at Adonis, so he trips over Electra.
The entire cast now comes over and all make several rude comments about the person’s clothing, hairdo, any deformities, yada-yada - totally identifying the person for everyone to make fun of them later during intermission and after the show…
THE NAMING OF CATS:
The Naming of Jerks By Altaica and Dennis C. Callin (Rumblepurr)
The cast comes out to the edge of the stage and begins this monotone-delivered somnambulistic claptrap while making faces at the crowd. This includes spraying the front row with spittle as several imitate Sylvester from Looney Toons.
The Naming of Jerks is a truly simple matter
It could even pass for a holiday game
Whack them on the back of the head with a garter
And join me in categorizing these idiot’s names.
First of all, there’s the name
That the tabloids use daily
Such as Clinton or Bush or Alan Greenspan…..
Such as Britney or Justin, Cruise or Drew Carey,
All of them ridiculous tabloid fodder names.
There are fancier names
If you think they sound sweeter
Some for the dumb dudes, some for the broads
Such as Madonna or Chelsea, O.J or Jane Fonda
All of them ridiculous tabloid fodder names
But I tell you a jerk needs a name that’s particular
A name that’s peculiar and not dignified
Else how can he handle his scandals properly
Or hog all his millions, or throw away pride?
Of names of this kind, I can give you a quorum
Such as Bill Gates or Condit, or Jesse Jackson
Such as Marilyn Manson, or else Bin Laden
Names that never belong to more than one jerk.
But above and beyond, there is nothing left over
And I’ll bet that that is something that you’d never have guessed
The fact that the simplest of research could discover
That these jerks are sadly human, although they’d never confess
When you notice a jerk in “profound meditation”
The reason, I tell you, is always the same
Their mind is engaged in a petty contemplation
Of the Thought! Huh, the Thought! Yes, the Thought: “You’re a Jerk!”
An imbecilic, laughable
An antagonistic
Deep and scatological, singular…
Jerk… jerk… jerk… jerk… jerk… jerk…
As this point, Victoria comes clomping out in size 24 bowling shoes, wearing clown make-up and a tutu. She attempts to do ballet, and actually does a pretty good job of it, which makes several of the cast pissed… Misto throws a water balloon at her, catching her when she’s up on one toe. It’s a perfect shot, and pegs her between the shoulder blades. The cast cheers because they thought she’s mess up for sure, and she falls “ker-splat” on the stage. She then gets up, takes off the shoes, and throws one of them at Misto, missing him. Using the other like a club, she runs him off stage left…
Meanwhile, Misto comes out the other side of the stage (Hey! He’s a magical cat, and this play works like the video!) and shouts out:
THE INVITATION TO THE JELLICLE BALL:
An Invitation to the Jellyprat Mall By Dennis C. Callin (Rumblepurr)
Annoying Prats come out tonight.
Annoying Prats come one, come all!
The Jellyprat Moon is fragging blight.
Annoying Prats come to the Jellyprat Mall!
Munkustrap comes out and sticks one finger into the air (We’ll leave the choice of digit to your imagination…).
Annoying Prats are all around here
At the Jellyprat Mall where we all shop.
And the Annoying Leader will soon appear
To make what is know as the “Jellyprat Drop.”
When the Old Dude Annoying Prat just before stupor
Through a silence you sense is a roaring chainsaw
Announces the Prat who really annoys
To chuck in the back of a slow-moving Truck.
Because waiting out there is a smelly old Dump
With a bunch of sharp Cats this Prat will see.
And they’ll chalk it all up to insanity.
Who will go “Whee?” (Who will go “Whee?”)
THE OLD GUMBIE CAT:
A Trucker Named Mac By Altaica
Munkustrap comes over and begins this poignant ballad by pointing at Jennyanydots, who comes out in a John Deere baseball cap and a well-stuffed set of grease-stained coveralls, munching on Pork Rinds…
I have a dear old trucker in mind
His name is Mac
And he’s half-blind
Stands six foot four
Weighs two hundred pounds
And what’s more
He eats coffee grounds….
He spends all day inside his cab
Or in the loo, or putting on flab
He drives and drives and eats and eats
And that’s what makes him Trucker Mac!
Deme, Bomba and Jelly line up and sing the next verse, making most of the Toms take extreme notice of their choreography - which is little more that shaking or wibbling…
But when the day’s hustle and bustle is done
Then Trucker Mac’s work has but hardly begun
Down all the freeways he flies with a 'BEEP!’
When in fact, Mac hardly says but a peep.
He’s hardly concerned with the ways of the world
Just because they’re rude doesn’t mean I shouldn’t buy their food’
And so he eats burgers, fries, and cheese curls!
Munkustrap tries not to notice as Deme comes over and rubs herself all around him….
I have a dear old trucker in mind
His name is Mac
And he likes to find
A place where he can drive and be free
Like Daytona, Nascar, and up a tree
He spends all day behind the wheel
Or in the rest-stops
Or stopping with a SQUEAL.
He drives and drives and eats and eats
And that’s what makes him Trucker Mac!
Deme, Bomba and Jelly line up and sing the next verse, again.
But when the day’s hustle and bustle is done
Then Trucker Mac’s work is but hardly begun
He thinks that the hitch-hikers just need a bite
And a pat on the head will set them to rights
But when the hitch-hiker pulled a gun on Old Mac
He there and then suffered a massive heart attack!
The rig spun out of control and was flung off of a cliff
For Mac had forgotten the clutch to shift
Truckers far and wide mourned the loss of old Mac
And continued to eat the Mickey D’s that had contributed to his heart attack.
RUM TUM TUGGER:
THE RUN DUMB JOGGER By Dennis C. Callin (Rumblepurr)
Rum Tum Tugger comes out in a sweat suit, wearing a Walkman with earphones, titanium sunglasses, carrying a sports bottle of water. All the rest of the cast begins following him, which the audience (mostly males but some women join the wolf-whistles) enjoy watching the Queens who are NOT wearing sports bras. The ladies of the audience do enjoy it when Tugger runs down in the aisles during the number - it gives them an excuse to hit somebody from the cast!
The Run Dumb Jogger is a terrible jerk
He runs in the rain, and he runs in the heat.
You will see in the park; you will see him on the track
You will see in at the dump; you will see him on the street
You will see him on the walk; he will run around in packs
You will see him at the Mall; and even at swap meets.
Yes, the Run Dumb Jogger is a terrible Jerk
And there isn’t any call for me to shout it.
For he will run, cos’ he is dumb
And there’s no doing anything about it.
The Run Dumb Jogger is a thundering bore
He is panting on the lawn, and he’s huffing up a hill.
He’s always in the way now wherever you go.
When you think he is asleep, then he likes to run about!
He even runs across your kitchen floor,
And he makes such a fuss if you don’t give him toast!
Yes, the Run Dumb Jogger is a terrible Jerk
And it isn’t any use for you to doubt it.
For he can’t breathe, and he dry heaves
And there’s no doing anything about it.
The Run Dumb Jogger is a horrible pest
His discouraging ways are a matter of a habit
If you say he is a freak, then he’ll tell you get a life.
If you tell him get a life, then he’ll say you are a freak.
If you offer him water, then he’ll gasp and wheeze,
For he only likes caffeine full Red Bull. (YES!)
And then he’ll gulp it down and fall to his knees…
Ties a shoelace with his butt to the breeze.
The Run Dumb Jogger is a low-down scumbag
The Run Dumb Jogger is a traffic lane’s curse.
Cause he’ll run in your lane in the middle of Rush Hour,
And there’s nothing he enjoys than to not take a shower.
Yes, the Run Dumb Jogger is a fragging Jerk
And there isn’t any need for me to spray it
For he won’t swim, but he breaks wind
And there’s no doing anything about it!
Tugger looks around as the entire cast fall down in a faint, covers his mouth with a looks that says “Whoopsey!” And then he jogs offstage while the cast recovers, most of them fanning the air!
GRIZABELLA, THE GLAMOUR CAT:
Flabby Ella, the Fat Postal Clerk By Dennis C. Callin (Rumblepurr) and Altaica
Demeter and Bombalurina come over and watch as Grizabella comes out with a trolley cart full of various pieces of mail that has one squeaky-wheel and another one that wobbles constantly… They shake their heads and flip Grizabella off. Griz stands behind her cart, and belches.
Remark the Prat who delivers the mail
On the streets of this dump, and opens your mailbox.
You see my bloodshot eyes, its true, I’m on Prozac and booze.
And you see I’m not quite right yet, I still am on the loose.
As Grizabella staggers by, Deme starts the song and is followed by Bomba. Finally, the rest of the cast sneers the ending…
She haunted many a low zip code
In the grimy world of the latest mail load
She flitted about a no-man’s land
Between bank accounts for Switzerland
And the post-man sighed and scratched his head
He really have hoped she ought to be dead
And who’d have ever supposed that jerk…
Was Flabby Ella, the fat Postal Clerk…
Flabby Ella, the fat Postal Clerk
Flabby Ella, the fat Postal Clerk
And who’d have ever supposed that jerk…
Was Flabby Ella, the fat Postal Clerk…
The cast stares dumbfounded as Grizabella waddles off, loosing stray bits of mail as she goes. And then, Tumblebrutus points off the other direction… Since his arm is in the way, and just as handy, Skimble and Asparagus, Jr., wipe their noses by following the arm. Bombalurina puts on a cheerleader’s sweater that is obviously too small for her, and a short leather mini-skirt that is not part of the cheerleader’s uniform…
BUSTOPHER JONES:
Busty Fro Jones By Dennis C. Callin (Rumblepurr)
Busty Fro Jones
Will make the Jocks Groan
In fact, she's remarkably built...
She doesn’t take math
but she does take a bath
And lies naked on her bed quilt.
She’s the kit the guys want
And her window they haunt
Every night when her bedroom is lit!
With binoculars raised
All the jocks are in praise
In hopes of seeing some… (Shades are pulled down).
In the Halls of the School
Is the chick who starts drool
When she bends down to pick up a pen…
And the girls will all jeer
And the guys will all cheer
And she does it without using a hand!
Bombalurina sits down and the Toms all gather around her, with Munkustrap and Tugger trying to look down the front of her sweater.
My cheering is sensational
And really inspirational
For the students and the Home Town.
For stands will all scream
As we root for our Team
Just to see me jump up and down.
For a similar reason
In the warmer seasons
I’m found not in sweaters but Tank tops!
And when I walk down the street
All the guys that I meet
Will usually make a real fast stop!
In the season of Basketball
As I jog on down the Hall
To my ride waiting just after school.
And I go down the stairs
All the guys stop and stare
And I love it when all the boys drool!
When I’m seen in a hurry
And I run and I scurry.
And at the fences or at the Health Spa.
The guys they all stare
With their jaws down to there
When I come out only in a Sports’ Bra.
The guys fall over as Bomba gets up and hip bumps twice.
So much for the way
That makes Busty Fro’s day
With one Jock or another she’s found.
It would be no real surpise
If he has two black eyes
For that means he looked when she turned round.
She’s a strict double D
And it’s easy to see
And she loves to put guys in their place
And she really does purr
Even dressed up in furs
When she jiggles them right in their face!
So to put in rhyme
For the fiftieth time
Her number is speed-dialed on phones.
It must and is shall
Be a flat-chested Hell
To be near Miss Busty Fro Jones!
Bomba goes running off stage, and all the guys fall down in various poses, except Munkustrap and Tugger, who chase after her… leaving all the other Queens on stage by themselves to pick up the unconscious Toms and toss them in the dumpster…
MUNGOJERRIE AND RUMPLETEAZER:
Cocky Builder and Lazy Plumber By Rio (The Scottish Queen)
Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer come out in matching jeans and a shirt that doesn’t quite tuck in.. Mungo has various tools of a carpenter sticking out of his pockets. Rumple has a toilet plunger and a monkey wrench sticking out of hers. They both stroll out and bend over with butts to the audience, revealing the crack of their behinds…
Cocky Builder and Lazy Plumber
They're a notorious kind of a prat.
With half-built extensions, floods in the bathroom
And breaks for tea, every ten minutes flat.
They make themselves known in the yellow pages
Where any old idiot can give them a ring.
Their biggest priority, instead of work
Is the thought of ker-ching, ker-ching.
When the tap in the kitchen has sprung a leak
Or the loos not been working for a week,
And there's a draught coming down from the attic door
Or you can step right through the floor.
If you have pool from a flood in your room
And all that's missing's a water flume
Or you have a door that won't fit it's frame,
There's one or two people that you can blame.
The insurance men say "Now, which was which prat?
Was it Cocky Builder... or Lazy Plumber?"
And most of the time they leave it at that!
Cocky Builder and Lazy Plumber
Have an unusual gift of the con.
They do nothing at all, but sit drinking tea
And when they leave all your money is gone!
They make themselves at home as they move right in,
Leaving a mess wherever they tread.
This might not seem bad, but its kinda hard
To sleep with a toolbox in your bed!
When you walk down the stairs turns into a fall
And your toilets been left with a cock but no ball
Or you find plastic sheeting all over the place
And wake up with white dust all over your face.
When once-happy mornings are a nightmare
And you're using a ladder instead of a stair.
When you're ready to scream out "Just stop that!"
Then your neighbors will mock "Who hired the thick prat?
Is it Cocky Builder... or Lazy Plumber?"
Until you swing out with your baseball bat!
Cocky Builder and Lazy Plumber
Have a wonderful way of leaving things broke
And when you try to find what they've fixed
It usually seems to be a big joke.
They leave the house like an earthquake would
And no sober person can guarantee
That Cocky Builder and Lazy Plumber
Could do a better job than me!
And when the water runs down the walls
Whose the first person everyone calls?
Or when your things just can't get worse,
Who is there to empty your purse?
A friend will not say "You hired him, you clown!"
Cos with Cocky Builder and Lazy Plumber,
Nothing can ever hold those guys down.
The entire cast throws various pieces of garbage in their direction, and the two prats run offstage.
OLD DEUTERONOMY
The Old Lobotomy By Rio (The Scottish Queen) and Altaica
Old Deuteronomy comes out is the typical hospital gown. Which means, when he turns his back to the audience, he moons them… He goes to the tire (tyre for some of youse blokes…) and sits down, facing away from the audience.
The cranial lobotomy took a long time
In the brain of a person that wasn’t quite… right
And now, Fred is not only special, but is also quite slow
'Cos the surgeons were drunk on that fateful night…
His caretakers were going to sue for six point three mil
But the doctors were sneaky as poor Fred did see.
They gave him a brand new kind of a pill
And with that one pill, they made Fred a She…
And, up 'til now, now Fred was but a lab rat
Locked in a lab with some colorful balls.
While the doctors watch where he’s at
And Fred was running headfirst into walls.
But the docs were all in for a surprise, our Fred knew
And now the docs are the most 'special’ of all.
For with one well-thrown brick, he made THEM special, too!
And Fred gave a grin, as his head met a wall.
THE PEKES AND THE POLLICLES:
THE GEEKS AND THE POODLESKIRTS By Dennis C. Callin (Rumblepurr)
Munkustrap leaps up, and promptly trips on his bumbershoot. He starts the next number drumming his fingers on the stage, looking at the audience.
The Geeks and the Poodleskirts, everyone knows
Are dumb and inevitably step on one’s toes.
And they’re always insane wherever the wind blows.
And the Jocks and the Poms, or so the School says
They ditch out of classes and yet they make As
Will meet after school and join into the fray
And they bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch!
And continue to bitch as they scratch and they itch!
Now on the occasion of which I do squeak
They had a pop quiz at the start of the week
And that’s an easy snap for a Poof or a Geek.
The top quarterback a Geek he did grab
For he needed a paper, and needed one bad
For he threatened to beat him and make him real sad!
And no one would stop or defend the poor Geek
And a bunch of Poodleskirts stopped by for a peek.
They painted their nails, and popped on their gum
And glared at the Geek who was dropped on his bum!
And started to bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch!
And continue to bitch as they gossiped and snitched!
Now the Geek, it is said is not really that bright
They are into computers and laser light.
And so when the Geeks got out of their hot bath
Some doing chemistry and others doing math
And they saw what the Jock did, and rose up in wrath.
And together they started to design and plan
On how to revenge themselves on that smelly man
But then fighting is just what the Poodleskirts like
For the head Poodleskirt is a sour uptown dike.
There are dogs out of every classroom
The English, Physics, and Homeroom,
Out of Math, and Band, and Geometry
And even Civics and P.E.
They prance and parade and are insane,
And the dork that is dressed up in chains.
And to those who are frisky and frollical
Whose perfume smells like a dank gym sock
And whose make-up is made to hide follicles
That he is probably a drag Jock.
And the Jocks’ brainless cousins are crazy ball-bouncers
Whose gray cells are measured in one digit ounces.
And so this whole group in the grandstands did sit
And raised such a ruckus and got everyone upset!
Then the pug-ugly guys from the ROTC
And with the theatre group nuts, and the swim team
Joined into the din with a bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch!
This kept going on 'til they started to twitch!
Munkustrap goes down the line of prats, and smacked them all on the cheeks before shouting “NO!” The Prats all smirk and pant!
Now when these poor dork prats together assembled
The teachers all quailed, and then the twits all trembled
And the sad truth of it, I’m sorry to say,
That these gawd-awful prats are the ones who get paid!
When suddenly, up from some dorky flat
Why who should walk out but some freshman Prat!
His eyes were glazed over from lessons so boring
And he gave a great yawn, cause he felt like snoring;
And when he came out and saw everyone out there
You never saw anyone run, faster out of the Square.
And what with the water balloons that went ker-splat
The Geeks and the Poodleskirts senselessly said that
They looked at the sky, and saw all the dribble
And every last one of the them started to wibble.
And when the Principle came out of his seat
There wasn’t a single one left in the street.
The cast runs off stage and grab some costumes waiting for them!
JELLICLE BALL:
Real People Pants By Rio (The Scottish Queen)
The whole cast comes out, all dressed in different colors of pants and shirts. This is really supposed to be a dance number, but… well… just to give you an idea of how piss-poor that goes, the very first movement by Old D causes his pants to rip up the back seam, showing the audience his boxer shorts that have little red hearts all over them…
Real peoples pants are black and white.
Real peoples pants can be rather small.
Real peoples pants are chaffing and tight
And nasty to wear when you go to a ball.
The pants ride up with every two paces
They’re also tight right around your thighs.
They come in varieties of silks and laces
And leathers which bring a tear to the eyes.
Elastic in pants stretches out slowly
Until your nice pants are just too big.
If you’re lucky you won’t be embarrassed wholey,
Unless they fall down when you’re doing a jig.
Until around feet they appear
You believe they’re held up by your pantyhose
And when you’re red to the tips of your ears,
You bend down and pick them right off your toes.
Real peoples pants can be saggy or tight
They can be large or of moderate size.
The can be called knickers or boxers, that’s right,
Those things that sit there at the top or your thighs.
Real peoples pants are black and white,
Real peoples pants, as I said, can be small.
If it happens to be a frisky night,
You can find peoples pants strewn about in the hall.
If it happens the sun is shining bright,
People run in their pants - that’s ALL!
Is bound to give them an awful fright
If they happen to be out when their knickers fall.
Real peoples pants fall down tonight,
Real peoples pants come on, please fall.
Make those people go red, so embarrassed and bright.
Pants just down to their ankles fall.
MEMORY:
Mummery By Dennis C. Callin (Rumblepurr)
Jellylorum (dressed in her off assortment of clashing colors and patterns)
You see the order of her clothes is too soft and bland!
Jemmina tries to focus on Grizabella and ends up looking at Old D’s behind.
And can you see the crease in her butt twist like a crooked smile!
The cast scatters leaving Grizabella out in the middle of the stage, where she is thoroughly paranoid. Old D is looking up at the tattered Jello-foam Moon, completely lost… Of course, Old D hasn’t figured out where he has been since an old fraternity party he attended back in 1969… Finally, Adonis begins the downbeat, and the three kazoos begin to blatt out the opening frames of the most dreaded song of the entire musical. Remember phone booth stuffing as a craze a while back? Ever see an entire cast and crew trying to get into the soundproof booth on stage right where the stage manager sits? Pouncival may never be the same again as he doesn’t make the door before it is shut and locked!
Silence. Not a sound from this outhouse.
Has Old D lost his memory
He just sits and breaks wind.
In this spotlight, the audience goes into dry heaves
And the band begins to groan…
Every street prat seems to send me a fatalistic warning.
If I utter, then they all will shudder
And soon they will be mooning…
Mummery. All alone I will moon them.
I can smile at the old prats.
They can’t hear anyway.
I remember the time I had impeccable taste
Let this sick dog, die again!
Most of the cast now try and run for the doors, hoping to escape. However, they soon find out that the stage doors are locked and guarded. They are forced after about 15 minutes to go back on stage. During this whole time, Old D has been sitting on the tire (or tyre) in a dumb stupor, when suddenly he screams bloody murder and goes charging off-stage. Pouncival comes up through the hole in the tire (or tyre) holding up a bent pin the size of a knitting needle. He snickers and disappears back under the tyre (or tire).
