THE JELLICLE CHRONICLES -- PARODIES

YOU'RE A BAD CAT, MACAVITY

By Dennis C. Callin (Rumblepurr)

A Parody of the 1967 Movie Musical, “You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown”

Written by Charles Schluz, Directed by Joseph Hardy and music/lyrics by Clark Gesner

ACT TWO

PROLOGUE: I have to admit one thing… Macavity doing Charlie Brown? Why not give Pouncie the loser part, right? The only reason I’m giving the star role of the musical to Maccie is due to what the Title turns into when you make a parody of it. Turn 'Good’ into 'Bad’ and who comes to mind…? I’ll wait… Got it? Yeah -- Maccie!
      To clear up something, why the 1967 version and not the 1999 version that most people have the soundtrack of? Easy! I have the 1967 version because I’m old… Okay, ancient… As to the casting? Here we go… In the 1967 version, Lucy had to go to a strong 'in your face’ Queen, so I chose Bomba for that role. Patty (not Peppermint Patty -- she came much later…) was the extra girl in the cast. In TJC, who worked a lot with Bomba? Thus, Deme got the Patty role. When the 1999 revival came along, Patty became Sally, Charlie Brown’s Younger Sister. Kristin Chenowyth was Broadway’s Sally, and that would not have been good. Who’d want to be Maccie’s sister -- especially his 'little’ sister after seeing how Ivy turned out? Canon characters get the parts so Munkus got Linus because of being Lucy’s little brother, and that put him with Bomba. Misto has the tux look, so I chose him for the role of Schroeder. And Snoopy? Who else has an ego to go along with the part but Tugger…?
      Got it now? The hardest part of a musical parody is the musical numbers. Dialogue is easy to mess with because you can ad-lib and not hurt anything… except maybe your brain cells. In the musical numbers, you have to watch the 'count.’ In order to fit the music and the original lyrics, you have to count the number of syllables in each line of music and the note value that gives the count. Sometimes, it is hard to fudge the lyrics, and that hurts a parody angle. Sometimes, the only thing you can do is change a few words and go with most of the song intact. OR… you add in sight descriptions of what the performer is doing while they sing, or what is taking place around them. And add to the problem by making MOST musicals into comedies. Parodies make fun of the original and some musicals are almost a parody in of themselves!
      Finally… Costumes… How many of you wonder about clothes when the Jellicles in the actual show are basically naked! (I’ll bet you look at the performers a lot differently now…) With the exception of shows like HAIR, costumes are part of the role. Because we expect cast members to be in costume, wardrobe selections are required. Sometimes, the cossies go a bit too far. Bomba always seems to get a very revealing cossie, and she gets reactions for wearing them. If Jellicles did not have the cossies, it would be a bit ho-hum, right? Think of Angelina J. coming on the set with Bomba’s cossie on and see what the reaction would be… All right… for the ladies, think of Brad Pitt in Tugger’s cossie… happy?
      Enough already… The Intermission is almost over, and if you haven’t made it to the bathrooms yet, try the potted plants in the lobby… And no, I don’t want to hear about the long lines into the ladies’ room. Go back to your seats, and remember one thing… Quaxo will NOT play 'Freebird’ for ANYONE! In fact, he will hunt you down, and teach you to fly from the third balcony. And now, for those who still have some semblance of their hearing, we direct you to our stage, and the feature resentation… er presentation by the Jellicle Players and Whiffleball Champions of the City of Cucumonga -- YOU’RE A BAD CAT, MACAVITY.
This is a Rumblepurr Films, Ltd. Production
A Jellicle Parody Enterprises, ltd. Entertainment
Affiliated with Mustardpiece Theater, Inc
Directed and produced by Rumblepurr
Co-directed and produced by Altaica

Since no one is playing money for the following drivel, we calmly announce that this parody is not officially recognized by RUG, the Film Industry in general, the Paramint Studios in uptown South Cucamonga, or the Geneva Convention…

CHARACTER PROGRAM (In order of Forced Appearance)

THE MAINS
LINUS
CHARLIE BROWN
PATTY
SCHREODER
SNOOPY
LUCY
THE MAIMED
LINEOUT
MACCIE
PRATTIE
SCHREDDER
SLOPPY
LOOSELY
THE FRAMED
Munkustrap
Macavity
Demeter
Mistoffelees
Tugger
Bombalurina

Other Parts -- Whoever gets caught first.

THE “ORCHESTRA”

Piano: Quaxo
Percussionist: Mungojerrie

THE GREEN ROOM

      Mistoffelees was already in the room filled with furniture that even the Goodwill rejected when the door opened and the Silver Tabby trudged in. He looked like he had just finished the Ironman Triathlon in Chicago with the swim being conducted during a Nor’wester, and the bike race and running parts were done on the city streets during Rush Hour.
      “What happened to you, Munku? The ladies at the gate chase after you?”
      “No… They gave up on me a long time ago.”
      “Then what…?”
      “Tell me, Misto. How many times lately have you and Vickie had sex?”
      “A lot more than we used to… uh… Does that mean…?”
      “Bomba and Deme nearly broke the bed, and that’s hard to do when it’s part of the trailer chassis. The Author seems to have at least his mental libido working, so he seems to enjoy putting me through an NC17 rated scene here and there, just for fun. And so, I’ve hardly gotten enough sleep…”
      “That’s okay, Munku. I have just the thing to help that. Quaxo gave me this thermos and he told me to see that you had a cup full…” Misto said as he steered Munkus into the Tom’s dressing room.
      Tugger opened the door at that time and did his usual “I’m here!’ pose. “TA, DAAA!!!”
      The next moment, he was lying on the floor on the other side of the threadbare and slightly moldy couch. Bomba and Deme came in and looked around.
      “Hey, Tugger? Did you see Munk anywhere?” Bomba asked.
      “He escaped, er, left early and we still had some business to finish,” Deme stated.
      Tugger slowly got to his feet, making sure nothing was damaged -- especially his coiffure. “Hold on. I’m still searching for the lorry that just hit me.”
      Just then, from the Tom’s Dressing Room:
HOLEY MOLEY!!!
      Bomba grinned. “Never mind. Quaxie’s morning-after cup always affects Munk like that. Come along, Deme. We can get ready before he gets on the set and ambush him somewhere.”
      “Don’t put on those things they give us to wear under our skirts then,” Deme said.
      “Those are 'thongs’, girlfriend, and I usually don’t wear them.”
      As they go inside the Queen’s dressing room, Tugger shakes his head. “That explains why all the Toms keep changing seats during the show…”
      “Good morning, dear boy…” came a cultured voice from the door. “Of course, any morning free of the homicidal maniac that I am cast as in TJC is a good one.”
      Tugger turned around. “Hi, Fairy Godfather. I see Quaxo still has the controls.”
      “If he was not in the possession of such controls, I would be tempted to correct your greeting to one a bit more civil.”
      “Always a pleasure to talk to you, too, Bristle-Bum. Ciao…” Tugger said as he went into the dressing room.
      Macavity looked at the room, and sighed. “And here, I was in dire hopes that all this was a frightening nocturnal perusal of the cranial synapses. If events weave their crooked ways into the near future, Sic transit gloria mundi …”
      At that moment, Electra came up and squeezed in to view the empty Green Room. “Where’d everyone go, Quaxie?”
      “They are currently getting dressed, and yes, the Author has already explained the presence of clothes on our bodies.”
      “We’re supposed to actually wear clothes?”
      “Yes…”
      Covering herself, Electra started backing toward the door. “I’ll get Scatty for this… Just make sure they’re out there on the set in fifteen, Quaxie… 'No one will notice…’ Ooooo…”
      Quaxo shook his head and headed for the stairs that would take him to the Orchestra Pit.
      Mungojerrie was already there… and the gong sounded as soon as Quaxo arrived…

YOU’RE A BAD CAT, MACAVITY
ACT TWO

MUSTARDPIECE THEATRE SET
NARRATOR: Purrcival, the Rail Tribe Chronicler.

      Having received the interoffice memo, Purrcival made sure that his smoking jacket covered his PJs. He would have liked his outfit a lot more if Wardrobe had given him pajama bottoms that did not have the feet in them, and the bunny slippers had to go… Things did not improve any when Scatterburr came in carrying her clothes. He hurriedly sat down as the statuesque brown tabby Queen went to her camera, and began slipping into a pair of tight, white, extra-short shorts, and then a white one-size-too-small top that tied under her mammalian protuberances and making their size more pronounced and her cleavage like the Grand Canyon. Suddenly, Purrcival was more than happy about sitting behind a desk.
      As she crossed her legs to aid her in pulling on her white go-go boots, Scatty was pointedly ignoring his groans.
      Electra’s voice came over Scatty’s headphones. “I will get you for the clothes memo, you over-inflated bimbo…”
      “None of me is inflated or artificial in any way, Leccy,” she replied. “Ask Quaxo.”
      “Never mind… How is Purrcy taking your little reverse-striptease act?”
      “The usual. Puddle of drool that is starting to appear under the front panel and the desk is tilting slightly.”
      “Showoff… You’re on in ten…”
      Scatty managed to get on her camera seat and held up five fingers. “You’re on in Five… Four… Three…” (going silent and counting) Two… One… (She points at Purrcival)
      “That finger is normally not used for 'One’, and we’re on… Good Evening Ladies, Gentletoms and those who write in 'Other’ on the survey forms. We are here once more because we do not have a life of our own… I understand… We are here once more to turn to the Editorial section of your local paper… Sorry, but that is where I find most of the funny stuff, especially about our Government… I see… We are here once more to turn to the Comics section of our newspapers, blogs, or iPads, and step into the world of Charles Schulz and company. Of course, Mustardpiece Theatre refuses to acknowledge this program, which is why I am out here doing this schtick… * sigh * No humor whatever… So we now journey to the program already in progress from last night…

Entr’acte

After taking a prescribed dose of Excedrin and Mountain Dew, Quaxo came out and took his seat on the piano bench, which creaked ominously. No one dared put a Whoopee Cushion© under the seat after they saw what happened to Mungojerrie when he tried it. After cracking his knuckles, which caused many an Iraqi veteran to dive for the floor, Quaxo began playing short ditties from the WWI era. When he began playing “Over There”, the lights come on, and Tugger stood beside his Dawg Howze (now posted on a sign next to the stage piece). He is dressed in his usual white tutleneck sweater (which really looks wild considering the tall Jellicle’s vest and mane) and black sweat pants. On his head, he has the regulation WWI Flying helmet and goggles. He shakes his head, and then salutes the audience with the open-hand British style.

THE RED BARON
(Sung to… you know…)

TUGGER (Sloppy): (Climbing on top of the Dawg Howze, and speaking over music) Here's the World One I flying ace high over France in his Sopwith Camel… right. When did they put wings, tails and propellers on Dawg Hawzes? Do you know that British roundels look strangely like an archery target? Anyway, he was searching for the infamous Red Baron! I must bring him down! With what? Spitballs? Suddenly, anti-aircraft fire, 'archie' we called it, begins to burst beneath my plane. The Red Baron has spotted me. Nyahh, Nyahh, Nyahh! You can't hit me! (Aside) Actually, tough flying aces never say 'Nyahh, Nyahh, Nyahh'. I just, ah... (Suddenly, the fog machines leased from half the theatres in SoCAL disgorged a ton of Premium Cold-Flow. The stage soon disappears, which gets a standing ovation by the audience. Tugger can now only be heard.) Drat this fog! It's bad enough having to fight the Red Baron without having to fly in weather like this! All right, Red Baron! Where are you? You can't hide forever! Hey gang? Can we clear this crap out? (A hurricane fan is turned on, nearly blowing Tugger off the Dawg Howze. The stage clears, and the audience boos.) Yeah, and so’s your old lady! Ah, the sun has broken through...I can see the woods of Montsec below...and what's that? It’s Bomba sunning herself au natural…
BOMBA (off-stage): In your dreams!!!
TUGGER (Sloppy): And I have some fan-tiddly-astic ones… okay, back to this schtick… What’s That? It’s another Dawg Howze… Okay, it's a Fokker triplane! Ha! I've got you this time, Red Baron (The sound of machine gun fire comes over the speakers) Aaugh! He's diving down out of the sun! He's tricked me again! I've got to run! (Tugger makes it look like he’s spurring a dead horse onward) Come on Sopwith Camel, let's go! Go, Camel, go! I can't shake him! He's riddling my plane with bullets! (More machine gun fire, and large holes appear in the Dawg Howze) Curse you, Red Baron! Curse you and your kind! Curse the evil that causes all this unhappiness! And curse this parody and all of its ilk… (He stands and does a British salute with the sound of his plane spiraling down. The sound effect ends in a crash and Tugger tumbles off the back of the Dawg Howze and disappears)
TUGGER (Sloppy): (After a short while and a light change, he coming out from behind the Howze with Cassie in a very short and tight Nurse’s uniform. He slaps her bottom, and she disappears back behind the Howze) Here's the World War I flying ace back at the aerodrome in France. He is exhausted and yet he does not sleep, for one thought continues to burn in his mind... How in happy heck did I get bullet holes in my Dawg Howze? Oh…Someday, someday I'll get you, Red Baron! (Tugger shakes his fist at the catwalks, and white goo splatters his helmet) And you birds too!!!

(Quaxo plays “It's a Long Way to Tipperary” as Tugger sits down in the wheelchair pushed by Cassandra in her nurse’s uniform. They exit stage right… From Stage left, Maccie enters, dressed in the typical yellow shirt with its black zigzag stripe, AND a Brooklyn Dodgers baseball cap. He also wears a large baseball mitt.)

MACCIE (himself): I would say that my level of embarrassment has struck a new low, but that would invite further humiliation… However, I will not be able to leave this establishment without succumbing to this scene. Therefore… Okay, everyone. Time to partake of the National Past Time of the States and play their version of Cricket. Today, I want everyone to play up to their usual sub-standard level, and…
BOMBA (Loosely): (She enters wearing a New York Mets ballcap and a baseball mitt as well as her blue dress.) Hey, Maccie! I got a great idea. Why don’t we tell the other team that we’re gonna play on another field instead of this one, and that way, they won’t show and we win by forfeit? Whatta ya think?
MACCIE (himself): I like it… (Bomba grins, and then exits) That strategy will not work but I loved the craftiness of its execution… Something this cretin character would dismiss. Munkus should be playing this part… * sigh * We must rely on Team Spirit to propel us to the Championship because we do not have the required skills and…
MISTO (Schredder): (He enters wearing a San Diego Padres ballcap, baseball mitt as well as a catcher’s mask and chest protector that reaches his knees.) Hey Maccie? Is Bomba, er, Loosely going to play Left Field again? Last time she was out there, she flashed me and you managed to bean me with a 90mph fastball. After the game, Vickie kicked me and I was lucky to be wearing an athletic cup… (He exits and Maccie shakes his head and then pinched the bridge of his nose.)
MACCIE (himself): If I remember correctly, this is the point where my character is about to cry in frustration… If not, then I am the one who…
MUNKUS (Lineout): Hey Maccie? (He comes out being followed closely by Deme. Munkus is wearing a Washington DC Nationals ballcap while Deme is wearing a Houston Astros ballcap. Both are wearing mitts as well.) Maybe you shouldn’t be a playing manager. Maybe you should be a Bench Manager…
DEME (Prattie) That’s a good idea. You would be real good at telling the bench where to go, how to get there, and what the shortest route is. Heavyside knows how often we’ve told you all that. You should have that down pat!
MACCIE (himself): (He stands still as Munkus and Deme exit, his eyes closed before his chin sinks down on his chest.) Small wonder why I despise them.

(The entire cast, well the other five members, comes out takes position around Maccie. Munkus takes First Base and Misto takes Catcher. Tugger is wearing a St. Louis Cardinals ballcap and he takes shortstop. Bomba is in Left Field and Deme takes Right Field. Maccie is in the pitcher’s spot. He shrugs…)

T-E-A-M (THE BASEBALL GAME)

MACCIE (himself): (in monotone) Gimme a "T"!
OTHERS: "T"!
MACCIE (himself): Gimme an "E"!
OTHERS: "E"!
MACCIE (himself): Gimme a "A"!
OTHERS: "A"!
MACCIE (himself): Gimme a "M"!
OTHERS: "M"!
MACCIE (himself): What've you got?
OTHERS: (they stare at each other -- stupefied) Uhhhhh…!
MACCIE (himself): Try “Team…”
OTHERS: Team!
There is no team like the worst team
Which is our team right here.
We will show you we're the last team
Of the very Little League this year
And in no time. We'll be big time
With the Big League steroid stars.
For all we have to do is win just one more game
And the championship is ours.

MACCIE (himself): (Spoken) Championship for this team? We would have to be the only team in our Division… (ZZIITT!!)
Oh, very well… Dear Pen pal...
(Sung) You'll never guess what happened today at the baseball game.
It's hard to believe, what happened today at the baseball game.
I was the manager, Schredder was catcher
And all of the team was the same as always
But somehow or other disaster struck at the baseball game.
(Maccie throws an imaginary baseball, there is the sound of a contact, and he looks skyward)
Oh dear Rumpus… Fly Ball!!!
BOMBA (Loosely): I got it!
MUNKUS (Lineout): I got it!
MISTO (Schredder): I got it!
TUGGER (Sloppy): Roo Roo Roo!
(They run towards Maccie and everyone collides in a pile…)
BOMBA (Loosely): I’m glad I landed on Munk…
MACCIE (himself): (Sings) Three balls, two strikes,
The bases were loaded with two Toms out (Maccie mimes throwing the ball)
I pitched my curve, but somehow they hit it, a good strong clout (Wooden contact)
"Loosely" I hollered, "It's coming right to you!" (He points at Bomba, who flips him off)
She caught it as easy as pie… then dropped it. (She mimes catching the ball and then drops it)
I don't think it's good for a team's morale to see their manager cry.

Sloppy helped out by biting the runners (Tugger mimes the lyrics)
And catching the ball in his teeth; (Tugger: Patooie!)
Lineout caught flies from a third-story window (Munkus does the bit)
By holding his blankie beneath.
Yes, we had them fooled, no one could argue with that.
And one run would win us the game as I came up to bat.
(Spoken) Which shows you how bad they were.

BOMBA (Loosely): (while the cast sings behind her, Bomba shouts at Maccie)
All right, Maccie-Butt, we're all behind you… sort of.
I mean this Tom can't pitch. He pitches like my grandmother, Maccie-bum.
Now all you have is to bear down, just bear down
And when you get on first, watch for my signals. (She flips him off)

OTHERS (Sung behind Bomba’s yelling)
There is no team
Like the worst team
Which is our team
Right here
We will show you
We're the worst team
In the very Little League this year
An in no time we'll be big time
With the Big League steroid stars
For all we have to do is win just one more game...

BOMBA (Loosely): (by herself) ...And the championship is ours!!??

MACCIE (himself):
Two Toms were on with two outs and me with one strike to go
Then I saw her -- this cute little Queen that I fabricate…
Firmly I vowed I would win it for her
And I shouldered my bat and I swung... (He swings an imaginary bat)
OTHERS: AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGG! (The “Team” trudges off-stage, leaving Maccie alone in center stage. He stands as if he were talking to someone up in the catwalks.)
MACCIE (himself): Dear pen pal, I'm told where you live is really quite far.
Would you please send directions on how I can get where you are?
Your fiend, Maccie-Tom.

(Maccie goes off stage, muttering about volunteering for the next one-way shuttle mission to Mars. Misto comes in from one side while Bomba comes in from the other. They meet at center stage…)

BOMBA (Loosely): Why are you still wearing the Catcher’s Mask, Misto?
MISTO (Schredder): Because of the dialogue we’re about to go through, I’m afraid you might punch me out…
BOMBA (Loosely): In this case, I’d punch you in the gut, knee you in the groin, and then kick your butt.
MISTO (Schredder): That alone makes me really wanna go on with this, but if I don’t, Leccy will do the same thing to me… Okay… Loosey? You are a very crappy person and you…”
BOMBA (Loosey): Hold it. Say your line again.
MISTO (Schredder): You are a very crappy person…?
BOMBA (Loosey): Lemme see your script… (He hands her his book) Okay… TEAM… Misto comes in… meets me… Loosely? “You are a very crappy…” (Misto grins sheepishly while Bomba looks a bit peeved) Okay, Misto. Who gave you your script?” (She tosses it back to him)
MISTO (Schredder): Tugger.
BOMBA (Loosey): Figures. The word in MY script is crabby…
MISTO (Schredder): Do you really wanna go through the rest of the dialogue here? There’s a few others I’m not too sure about…
BOMBA (Loosey): Like what…? (She begins tapping her fist against her other palm)
MISTO (Schredder): Well, you probably don’t want to take the survey…
BOMBA (Loosely): Lemme see it… (Again, the books is passed to her) Okay, here it is. Conducting a survey… zero to one hundred… zero is somewhat crappy… fifty is generally crappy… seventy-five is really crappy… Ninety is exceptionally crappy, and one hundred is trash truck deep… Just wait until we get to the trailer…
MISTO (Schredder): Uh, this show doesn’t have one…
BOMBA (Loosely): It does now… (Bomba exits and Deme comes on. Misto looks around)
MISTO (Schredder): Where is everyone else? We have to do this song for the Faculty tomorrow to get back at them for the tons of homework we get.
BOMBA (Loosely): (off-stage) Gimme my pencil, you blockhead!!!
MUNKUS (Lineout): (Comes on-stage with Bomba right behind him) Not until you gimme back my crayons…
BOMBA (Loosely): If you do, I’ll let you use my fingerpaints and I’ll be the canvas…
RUMBLE (from the booth) Ms. Bomba…
BOMBA (Loosely): Lighten up, will ya? If you don’t gimme my pencil, I’ll tell Prattie what you called her, and it wasn’t Dearest, either…
MISTO (Schredder): I’ve got to remember that fingerpaint line with Vickie…
VICKIE (from off-stage): Uh-uh! The colors are a bitch to get out of my fur!!!
MISTO (Schredder): Going right along… Munku, er, Lineout? Between Prattie and Loosely… and no fooling around. (He takes his place as conductor)
BOMBA (Loosely): Spoilsport…
(Maccie comes on-stage and sticks his tongue out at the audience members who are booing him)
MACCIE (himself): I apologize for being tardy, but this miscreant hound…
(Tugger comes on-stage at this time)
TUGGER (Sloppy): Hey! I resemble that remark…
MISTO (Schredder): SHUT UP ALL OF YOU!!! Maccie? You and Sloppy behind them.
TUGGER (Sloppy): (grumbling under his breath to Maccie) Touchy little guy, isn’t he?
MISTO (Schredder): Now this is a mood piece…
MUNKUS (Lineout): 'Home on the Range’ is a mood piece?
MACCIE (himself): It becomes one when the frame of mind is the regurgitation of ones’ meal.
MISTO (Schredder): Can we get on with this? Now remember, adagio con brio…
BOMBA (Loosely): Which means?
TUGGER (Sloppy): Dodging the can of frijoles…
MACCIE (himself): (looking off-stage) Shoot me now…
ELECTRA (Stage Mgr.): Wait in the queue…

THE WHEE CLUB REHEARSAL
(Sung to… “The Benny Hill Theme Song” er, “The GLEE Club Rehearsal”)

(Misto attempts to conduct “Home on the Range” while various snippets of dialogue are spoken 'between the lines’. He blows the pitch pipe)

ALL: (In the key of “Q” -- which means everyone chooses their own key) AHHHH
(Misto holds the bridge of his nose while shaking his head. He finally begins to conduct.)
ALL: OH GIVE ME A SCOOP
WHERE THE BUFFALO POOP
AND THE DEER AND THE ANTELOPE PLAY. . .
BOMBA (Loosely): Give me my pencil
ALL: WHERE SELDOM IS HEARD A DISCOURAGING WORD
MUNKUS (Lineout): Not on your life
ALL: AND THE SKIES ARE NOT CLOUDY ALL DAY.
DEME (Prattie): If you don't tell me what you told Loosely, I'm just going to scream
BOMBA (Loosely): (to Munkus) Give me my pencil you blockhead!!
ALL: HOME, HOME WITH A SCOOP.
BOMBA (Loosely): Give me my pencil
MUNKUS (Lineout): No!
ALL: WHERE THE DEER AND THE ANTELOPE POOP.
MUNKUS (Lineout): Not until you promise not to tell her
BOMBA (Loosely): What are you trying to do? Take away my own blackmail?
ALL: WHERE SELDOM IS HEARD ?
BOMBA (Loosely): Give me my pencil!
ALL: A DISCOURAGING WORD
MUNKUS (Lineout): No promise no pencil!
ALL: AND THE SKIES ARE NOT CLOUDY ALL DAY.
DEME (Prattie): (Holds up a regulation pencil which looks like a yardstick to us) What pencil?
MUNKUS (Lineout): (He grabs the pencil) No! Give me that pencil!!
ALL: OH, GIVE ME A SONG WHERE THE BEASTS ALL BELONG
MISTO (Schredder): (Shouted) Sing!!!
ALL: (In four-part harmony): LIKE A DOOM GAME THAT’S EXTREME
MACCIE (Himself): (to Munkus) Why did you take Prattie's pencil?
MUNKUS (Lineout): Aaaaaarrrrrrggg !! (He storms offstage)
ALL: THERE THE GRACEFUL, WHITE SWAN GOES POOPING ALONG
DEME (Prattie): (To Bomba): What did he call me?
ALL: LIKE A MAID WITH AN UNEARTHLY SCREAM.
BOMBA (Loosely): He said… He said you were… an enigma!
ALL: HOME, HOME WITH THE SCOOP
DEME (Prattie): An enigma?
MACCIE (himself): It means a…
TUGGER (Sloppy): Roo roo-roo-roo?
DEME (Prattie): Boy that makes me... What a terrible thing to call a... What's an enigma? Never mind!!
(She storms offstage too)
MACCIE (himself) and MISTO (Schredder): WHERE THE DEER AND THE…
BOMBA (Loosely): What's an enigma?
ALL: ANTELOPE
MACCIE (himself): It means conundrum…
ALL: POOP.
TUGGER (Sloppy): Roo-roo-roo?
BOMBA (Loosely): Hey !! He's still got my pencil! (Now she storms offstage)
MACCIE (himself) and MISTO (Schredder):WHERE SELDOM IS HEARD
A DISCOURAGING WORD... (Seeing he's the only one left, MACCIE isn’t there!’)
MISTO (Schredder): (With Tugger joining in Rooing in harmony)
AND THE SKIES ARE NOT CLOUDY ALL DAY!
TUGGER (Sloppy): Roo-roo rooo roo roo roo roo rooooooo)

(Misto holds the bridge of his nose and disappears. Tugger goes back to his Dawg Howze, and sits on it. He looks over the edge at two bowls -- a red and a yellow one...)

TUGGER (Sloppy): Now here’s a scene Maccie would love. See those two bowls down there? He’d spout something outta Shookespeare…
MACCIE (off-stage): That is SHAKESPEARE, you imbecilic cretin!
TUGGER (Sloppy): I’d yell back, 'And so’s your Old Tom', but he’s my Old Tom too… Where was I? Oh, yeah, (sings) the crappy sky…”
ELECTRA (SM): Tugger! You’re talking about your red bowl and your yellow bowl…
TUGGER (Sloppy): Oh yeah. I have a red dish and a yellow one. Supper is put in my red dish and water is in my yellow dish. This Pollie is really in a rut. Now me? I would put my supper in a GOLD dish, and my bottled water in my SILVER dish…

(Tugger lays down on the Howze while Misto and Munkus enter, side-by-side)

MISTO (Schredder): Lineout? Did you fill out that form the teacher gave us?
MUNKUS (Lineout): Yep. I put down my name, my address and my telephone number.
MISTO (Schredder): What did you put down for your family doctor?”
MUNKUS (Lineout): I wasn’t sure. Gene Simmons called himself Doctor Love, and there’s Doctor Phil, and Doctor Seuss…
MISTO (Schredder): Munku? You’ve been around Deme and Bomba too long…

(Misto and Munkus go off-stage and Tugger looks at the audience)

TUGGER (Sloppy): I’m starting to tingle again. That means I’ve got to boogie with a Queen before I go stark raving bonkers. And Rumble will go ballistic if I drop this gig and go looking, sooooooo… Here I lie being all tingly…

(As the Queens in the audience groan, Bomba and Misto come onstage. Bomba suddenly stops)

BOMBA (Loosely): As Schredder, what would you do if I said, “Hooray for George 'Gershwin?”
MISTO (Schredder): My script only says that I chase you offstage.
BOMBA (Loosely): Shades of Baywatch… TUGGER! You’re a dead kitty when I find you!

(Bomba does a fast walk off-stage while Misto grins as he goes off the other side. Tugger waits until the stage goes quiet and then he reappears from behind his Dawg Howze -- lights on)

TUGGER (Sloppy): Finally, this Pollie has it right. Lay down some serious bread and samba out of this place. Maybe Monaco… Singapore… Melbourne… But something holds me here… (He deadpans to the audience) Quaxo told me if I try to leave, he would hunt me down and shave my head… (He shudders and lights go out on him)

(Maccie comes on one side of the stage while Bomba and Munkus come on from the other side)

MACCIE (himself): I realize that my superior intellect should inform me not to inquire, but I am being held prisoner by this parody. So… What is your personal objective here?
MUNKUS (Lineout): Bomba’s supposed to do “Little Known Facts”… I’m not sure about it.
MACCIE (himself): (Dryly) I cannot wait for this demonstration of her 'knowledge’.
BOMBA (Loosely): And you know you can stick it, Maccie. Come over here, 'Lineout’.

LITTLE KNOWN FACTS
(And man, are they…)

BOMBA (Loosely): (she goes over to a set-piece that looks like a cartoon tree trunk. She does a 'pole-dance’on it…)
DO YOU SEE THIS TREE? IT IS A FIR TREE.
IT'S CALLED A FIR TREE BECAUSE WE RUB OUR FUR FOR FUN.
IT ALSO GIVES US WOW IN THE WINTER TIME.
MUNKUS (Lineout): (holding the bridge of his nose) I never knew that before, Loosely. That's very interesting.
BOMBA (Loosely): THIS IS AN ELM TREE. IT'S VERY LITTLE
BUT IT WILL GROW UP INTO A GIANT TREE... AN OAK.
YOU CAN TELL HOW OLD IT IS BY COUNTING IT'S LEAVES.
MUNKUS (Lineout): No innuendo this time… Uh, that's fascinating.
MACCIE (himself): (Actually cringing) Apparently, Biology is not your forte...
BOMBA (Loosely): AND WAY UP THERE THOSE FLUFFY LITTLE WHITE THINGS,
THOSE ARE CLOUDS, THEY MAKE THE WIND BLOW.
AND WAY DOWN THERE, THOSE TINY LITTLE BLACK THINGS...
THOSE ARE BUGS. THEY MAKE THE GRASS GROW.
MUNKUS (Lineout): Is that so?
BOMBA (Loosely): That's right! They run around all day, tugging and tugging on each tiny seedling until it grows into a great tall bale of grass! And if you believe that, I have some beachfront property in Sheffield to sell ya…
MUNKUS (Lineout): Boy, that's amazing!
MACCIE (himself): Oh, the degeneration of brain cells…!
BOMBA (Loosely): AND THIS THING HERE, IT'S CALLED A HYDRANT.
THEY GROW ALL OVER AND NO ONE SEEMS TO KNOW
JUST HOW A LITTLE THING LIKE THAT GETS SO MUCH WATER.
(She suddenly points) SEE THAT BIRD? IT'S CALLED AN EAGLE.
SINCE IT'S LITTLE IT HAS ANOTHER NAME, A SPARROW.
AND ON CHRISTMAS AND THANKSGIVING, WE EAT THEM.
MACCIE (himself): That is a new one… the Passer domesticus not only becomes a Haliaeetus albicilla, but also suffers the same fate as the Meleagris gallopavo of the States…
BOMBA (Loosely): (Staring daggers at Maccie and then pointing skyward)
AND WAY UP THERE, THE LITTLE STARS AND PLANETS
MAKE THE RAIN THAT FALL IN SHOWERS.
AND WHEN IT'S COLD AND WINTER IS UPON US
THE SNOW COMES UP! JUST LIKE THE FLOWERS.

MACCIE (himself): Other than the fact that the stars and planets have no effect upon atmospheric phenomenon, snow is produced from Nimbostratus clouds and precipitates to the ground due to gravity…
BOMBA (Loosely): Hold it, Quaxie! (The music stops) Please translate that for the little red-haired kitten here…
MACCIE (himself): (exhales in a huff) Stars and planets are too far away to affect weather here on earth and snow is produced in clouds and comes down…
BOMBA (Loosely): The Author says differently. Start the music, Quaxie… (He does)
After it comes up, the wind blows it around so it looks like it's coming down, but actually it comes up out of the ground, just like grass. It comes up, Maccie-butt, snow comes up!
MACCIE (himself): Oh, Good Grief! (He exits, holding the bridge of his nose. From off stage there is a continual hollow thumping sound.)
MUNKUS (Lineout): That’s following stage directions the hard way. Why is Maccie-butt banging his head against that tree?
BOMBA (Loosely): To loosen the bark to make the tree grow faster! OR maybe he just gets off doing it that way… (Sings): CLOUDS CAN MAKE THE WIND BLOW
BUGS CAN MAKE THE GRASS GROW
SO, THERE YOU GO. THESE ARE LITTLE KNOWN FACTS
THAT NOW YOU KNOW!
MUNKUS (Lineout): Uh, Loosely...
BOMBA (Looseely): Who're gonna believe? The guy with the big head or the chick with the big [BOMBA!!!] ...wazoos?
Come along, Lineout…

(Munkus and Bomba exit with Munkus shaking his head. Lights change and come up on Tugger, who manages a sit-up…)

TUGGER (Sloppy): My stomach clock just went off. It's suppertime, and Maccie-Butt has forgotten to feed me. Here I lie, a withering hollow shell of a dawg and there sits my supper dish ... EMPTY! But that's all right. He'll remember. When no furry friend comes to greet him after school, then he'll remember! And he'll rush out here to the doghouse but it'll be too late. (Tugger starts to act like he is slowly starving to death) There will be nothing left but the dried carcass of his former friend who used to love to run away from him. Nothing left but the bleached puppy bones of...
MACCIE (himself): Hey Sloppy! Are you in delta state or something? I have been remaining motionless here for one-sixtieth of an hour with your evening repast and you have not even noticed. It is suppertime…
TUGGER (Sloppy): (yawns) Suppertime? Suppertime?
(He poses, gesturing to the red bowl and then to the yellow one)
BEHOLD A BRIMMING BOWL OF MEAT AND MEAL.
WHICH IS BROUGHT FORTH BECAUSE WE'RE HUNGRY.
BEHOLD THE FLOWING FLAGON MOIST AND SWEET
WHICH HAS BEEN SENT TO SLAKE OUR THIRST. (Spoken "Slake?")
MACCIE (himself): Over-acted as usual… A great Falstaff, though…
Vacate the topmost surface of the Canis domicile and consume these victuals.
TUGGER (Sloppy): I really wish you would learn to speak English, Maccie-butt.

SUPPERTIME
(Or, as Maccie puts it: The Evening Repast…)

(The Dawg Howze rolls out some steps and Tugger comes off like Astaire… Clyde Astaire)

TUGGER (Sloppy): DOO DOO (ad nauseum…)
IT'S SUPPERTIME. YEAH IT'S SUPPERTIME.
OH, IT'S SUP-SUP- SUPPERTIME,
VERY WORST TIME OF DAY.
IT'S SUPPERTIME. YEAH, IT'S SUP-PER-TIME
AND WHEN SUPPER TIME COMES,
CAN BARFING BE FAR AWAY?
BRING ON THE SOUP DISH, MAKE ME GO SLURP!.
BRING ON THE BACON AND MAKE ME BURP!
CAUSE IT'S SUPPER… SUPPER, POOPER, SUPPERTIME!
(He whistles and then does a little bit of skat)
BA DA DA DOO DA BA DA DA BA DA DA
SUPPERTIME.
DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOOT

BR-R-RING ON SOME REAL FOOD, BRING ON THE BONE
BRING ON THE BARREL AND ROLL ME HOME.
CAUSE ITS SUPPER… SUPPER, SUPPER, SUPPER
SUPPER… SUPER PEPPER-URPER
SUPPER… SUPER-POOPER SUPPERTIME

WINTERTIME'S NICE WHEN ITS ICE AND SNOW.
SUMMERTIME'S NICE WITH A PLACE TO GO.
BEDTIME, OVER TIME, HALF TIME TOO
BUT THEY JUST CAN'T HOLD A CANDLE TO. . .
MY SUPPERTIME. OH YEAH. . . (Big production number with Cassie and Scatty coming out in Rockette costumes. Tumble and Pouncival come out as jugglers. And even Rumpelteazer is doing a unicycle act on the fence. Think Las Vegas show…)

(Spoken) Hello home listeners, how are ya?

BR-R-ING ON THE HAMBURG, SLAP HARD MY BUM
PAPPY'S LITTLE PUPPY LOVES EV'RYONE!
CAUSE IT'S SUPPER… SUPPER SUPPER SUPPER
SUPPER… SUPER PEPPER URPER
SUPPER… SUPER POOPER SUPPERTIME
(Singsong) C'mon, bring on the meat... It's time to eat... Bring on the food... Bring on the hamburg...
Bring on the hot dog... Bring on the doctor...

CHORUS (with Tugger -- Big-time number -- Think Broadway Revival):
SUPPERTIME (x 14)
(Suddenly, the off stage voices stop, and Tugger is alone singing)
GIMME FOOD, GIMME WATER, GIMME SOMETHIN' TO CHEW!
GIMME FOOD, GIMME WATER, GIMME SOME MOUNTAIN DEW!
MACCIE (himself): NOW DECEASE AND DESIST!!!! (Everything stops) Now why can you not consume your repast inaudibly and tranquilly like a somewhat standard Pollicle?
TUGGER (Sloppy): (Spoken) So what's wrong with making mealtime a joyous occasion?
(Finale style) SUPPER REALLY URPER SUPPERRRRRRRRR-TIME!!!!!

(Tugger goes up the Howze steps and they retract while Bomba and Munkus come on-stage)

BOMBA (Loosely): I don’t know, Lineout. That looks like a UFO to me. What d’ya think, Schredder?
MISTO (Schredder): (coming in with Deme) I think it’s the Six forty-two incoming flight from the States.
DEME (Prattie): I think it’s a star, or a satellite…
MUNKUS (Lineout): We’ll never find out just standing here. (He goes to the front of the Stage)
BOMBA (Loosely): Where are you going?”
MUNKUS (Lineout): To get a closer look… (They all throw wadded-up script pages at him) It’s not my fault!!!

(Tugger sits up and looks up as he belches.)

TUGGER (Sloppy): Sometimes I sit up here and wonder… What the hell I’m doing in this fraggin’ parody? And then Quaxo gives me this “look” and I remember. I like to keep my health. Well, something’s missing, but I dare not do the old “Pull my Finger” gag. Okay, script. (He makes a mournful coyote howl and then belches again) Yep, gotta lay off the tacos…

(Maccie comes on with the yardstick pencil, and he does not look happy about it…)

MACCIE (himself): (Spoken) I am repulsed… That fictitious reddish Queen dropped her wooden graphite-writing stylus… It has evidence of dental abrasions as well as saliva. She masticates her wooden writing stylus. She is psychopathically insecure. Someone provide me with hand sanitizer. Thank the Rumpus this parody is nearly completed…

HAPPINESS
(Sung to “Is Ending This Parody…” well… Our version is…)

MACCIE (Himself: (Sings) HAPPINESS IS FINDING A PENCIL.
TUGGER (Sloppy): PIZZA WITH CATNIP
MUNKUS (Lineout): DRINKING WITH LIME.
MISTO (Schredder): HAPPINESS IS LEARNING TO WHISTLE.
MUNKUS (Lineout): SPYING ON DEME THE VERY FIRST TIME.
DEME (Prattie): HAPPINESS IS PLAYING THE VAMP IN YOUR OWN SCHOOL SHOW.
MACCIE (himself): AND HAPPINESS IS MAKING YELLOW SNOW.
HAPPINESS IS TWO KINDS OF ICE CREAM.
BOMBA (Loosely): (with a definite grin) KNOWING A SECRET.
MISTO (Schredder): CLIMBING A TREE.
MACCIE (Himself): HAPPINESS IS FIVE DIFFERENT CRAYONS.
MISTO (Schredder): CATCHING A FIREFLY.
MUNKUS (Lineout): SETTING HIM FREE.
MACCIE (himself): HAPPINESS IS BEING ALONE EVERY NOW AND THEN.
ALL: AND HAPPINESS IS COMING HOME AGAIN.
MACCIE (himself): HAPPINESS IS MORNING AND EVENING,
DAY TIME AND NIGHT TIME TOO.
FOR HAPPINESS IS ANYONE AND ANYTHING AT ALL
THAT'S CAUGHT BY YOU.
MUNKUS (Lineout): HAPPINESS IS HAVING A SISTER.
BOMBA (Loosely): MAKING A SANDWICH.
BOMBA (Loosely) and MUNKUS (Lineout) with DEME (Prattie): HAVING SOME FUN.
ALL: HAPPINESS IS SWINGING TOGETHER WHEN DAY IS THROUGH,
AND HAPPINESS IS THOSE WHO SWING WITH YOU.
HAPPINESS IS MORNING AND EVENING,
DAYTIME AND NIGHTTIME TOO.
MACCIE (himself): FOR HAPPINESS IS ANYONE AND ANYTHING AT ALL
THAT'S CAUGHT BY YOU.

(The cast filters out, waving "good night" to Maccie, but Bomba stays, and stands in silence for a moment before finally saying:)

BOMBA (Loosely): You're still a Bad Cat, Maccie-Butt.

(The CAST ran screaming for the Stage Doors and refused to appear for booo’s, er Bows… Creditors are still looking for them, but it is possible that they are now Far… Far… Away…)

***** The Curtain (quite literally) Falls *****

CREDITS

This is a Rumblepurr Films, Ltd. Production

A Jellicle Parody Entertainment

Unaffiliated with Mustardpiece Theater, Inc.

Directed and produced by Rumblepurr

Co-directed and produced by Altaica

Since no one is playing money for the preceding drivel, we calmly announce that this parody is definitely not officially recognized by RUG, the Film Industry in general, the RSPCA or the Geneva Convention…

Filmed completely without the permission of anyone whose property we happened to be on at the time, and without the consent of any government.

Peanuts provided by Schlotz Bag O’Nuts

No Animal or Jellicle was harmed during the filming of this Parody.
Basically Pissed Off, Morally Offended, Psychologically Traumatized…
And the Jellicles did not feel too good about it either

Maccie’s Shock Collar was provided by SWAT Electrical Control Products, Ltd.

Most of this parody was shot at the Paramint Studios of Southwest Cucamonga.
The rest was just shot…

Special Effects provided by Mister Mistoffelees Magic Company
And by Tarfur’s Computer Geeks, Ltd.

Casting Director
Old Deuteronomy

Catering was provided by Jenny’s Bar & Grill Emporium of Northeast Cucamonga
Green Room hors d’oeuvres provided by Momma O’Really’s Sushi Vomitorium.

***** THE END *****
(Now Go Home…)

***** Finis *****

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