ACT TWO (10/30/2010)
PROLOGUE: How many of you now have something to go to Confession with…? How many of you are going even if you are not Catholic…? And finally, how many of you just KNOW you’re going to that extremely hot place that the Jellicles call “The Basement Furnace”, and so you don’t care if you read the next part of this parody…?
I thought so…
Regardless, this was not the only touch on the subject that bothered people. Godspell, by Stephen Schwartz, was probably raspberried more than Webbie’s JCS. In Godspell, Jesus is portrayed as either a street mime or a hippie clown… The vote is out on that one, but the production I saw as a Lighting Tech (or Assistant Electrician) was that this was definitely a different concept of Christ… And the Apostles? Godspell did to them what 1776 did to the Founding Fathers of the USA… And no, I am NOT going to do either one as a parody…
At least not yet…
Just a small note of seriousness here… Schwartz’s concept of Christ being an entertainer was close to the concept of how He taught people about the Kingdom. He told stories, morality plays, and used everyday examples of how people act compared to how they SHOULD act. The musicals still do the same. Even Webber’s JCS tells the story, even though it’s the ending rather than the whole. And yes, while Schwartz is griped at for making Jesus into a clown, people hate JCS for not showing the Resurrection… unless you count the actor portraying Jesus coming out for a curtain call that…
Okay, back to the parody… I know, you had hoped that I had forgotten it… This next Act will take us through the Last Supper, so everyone will get a Continental Dinner -- probably one of Deme’s stale bagels, some cream cheese and your choice of beverage -- Jenny’s Long Island Tea costs extra… For the rest of the show, barf bags are included under the seat in front of you.
And now, the Jellicle Players and Bocce Ball Team present to you… Munkus Trapp Superstud… Act Two…
OPENING CREDITS
A RUMBLEPURR PRODUCTION
A JELLICLE ENTERTAINMENT
Produced by Rumblepurr
Director: Altaica
Stage Manager: Electra
CHARACTER PROGRAM (In order of Forced Appearance)
CHARACTER
Judas Iscariot
Jesus Christ
Mary Magdalene
Caiphas (High Priest)
Annas
Simon Zealotes
Pontius Pilate
Peter
King Herod
ENSEMBLE
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PARODY CHARACTER
Badass Izzariot
Munkus Trapp
Mary Megaones
Kinkyfuss (High! Priest)
Anyfuss
Slimy Zellotts
Poutyass Pirate
Putter
Kink Hairy
The MOB
|
CATS PERFORMER
Pouncival
Munkustrap
Bombalurina
Shadowdancer
Asparagus Junior
Skimbleshanks
Tugger
Alonzo
Presley
Anyone who is handy
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THE APOSSIBLES: Topper (Andy), Zhion (Jim of Zeb), Sacramentor (Johnny), Onyx (Phil), Sebastian (Bart), Mungojerrie (Matt), Archangel (Tommy), Starcatcher (Jimmy of Alphie), and Victor (Thudd).
PRIESTS: George, Nuada and Maahes.
THE ORCHESTRA
Featuring: The Junkyard Tango and Polka Band
Conducted by: Quaxo
Toy Piano One: Aphrodite
Toy Piano Two: Amanda
Kazoo One: Augustus
Kazoo Two: Aurora
Accordion: Miranda
Acoustic and Electric Guitar: Tailkinker
Air Guitar: Fiddlestix
Bass and Tuba: Shadowdancer
Drums: Sundancer
Percussion: Kvitter
THE GREEN ROOM
“What is with the Author this time?” Tugger said, wiping his shoulder.
“I though the Parakeet made your cossie more realistic,” Munkus smirked.
“And the realistic birdie poo made it authentic,” Deme added.
“Growlie would envy you, Blond Boy,” Bomba added.
“Munkus? Keep you AND your broads away from me…” Tugger griped as he went into the dressing room.
Misto came in, and quietly shut the outside door, then locked it, and barred the door. Seeing the nervous look on the tuxedo’s face, Munkus shook his head.
“What’s going on outside?”
“There’s a lynch mob near the gates and the Studio security goons are trying to keep them out.”
Bomba snorted. “Lemme guess. The Religious groups are protesting the parody?”
Misto shook his head. “Nope. The Satanic covens and cults are protesting us making them look bad with Pounce being Judas…”
“I heard that,” Pounce complained as he came out of the dressing room.
Deme, Bomba and Munkus twirled their index fingers in the air. “Whopee…”
“See me shake in my black booties,” Bomba said, and then stood and boogied a little.
“And then watch her shake the rest of it,” Jelly snarked.
“Jealous, girlfriend?”
“Your next pelvic exam is just about due,” Jenny said as she came out. “And Jelly keeps the special instruments in the freezer…”
“Hey! Shouldn’t I be beyond the age for that?” Bomba complained.
“Age is no limit, Bombie,” Jelly smirked back. “Besides. You became fertile once we landed on the Homeworld, remember?”
“With first Tugger and then Munk here humping me up with Kittens, I should…”
“What was that about humping?” Tugger said, coming back out.
“Never mind,” Bomba said, rubbing her forehead.
“I’ve been meaning to ask something here,” Tugger said, looking directly at the Silver Tabby. “Aren’t you nervous about playing (pointing upward) 'Him’?”
“No more than if I were any other actor,” Munkus replied.
“Munkus, I realize you’re an Eagle Scout, but the Guy Upstairs in the Penthouse is beyond mere that. This Guy has ALL the Merit Badges…”
“Tugger? We aren’t getting anywhere near what He did or said or whatever’ed.”
“Maybe so, but keep your distance from me. The lightning bolt that gets you might miss and hit me if you’re too close.”
“Hey, gang?” Electra said sweetly from the door to the sound stage. “Rumble is asking for your presence…”
The cast and some crew glanced nervously at each other as the rust-colored Queen went back to her station. Bomba latched onto Munkus’ collar.
“Why does Leccy make me feel like a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs?”
“I’m sure there’s a logical explanation,” Munkus said as he looped an arm around Deme and Bomba.
“Forget lightning, then,” Tugger said as they left the Green Room. “This is a meteor strike. Nice knowing you guys…”
“WE’RE ALL GONNA (*mmphrfp*)! Alonzo got out before several hands muffled him.
MUNKUSTRAP SUPERSTUD
ACT TWO
(Remember Leonardo DaVinci’s mural, right? I wish I could get someone to paint it with the TJC CATS characters depicted in this parody. If interested and can do a rather good job, let me know… I may even commission it…)
Anyhoo, while the intro to the song is being done, the twelve Opossums, er, Apossibles come in and construct a table using pieces of the Junkyard. Then, they add hubcaps for plates and tin cans for cups. Newspapers are used for the tablecloth. Bagels from the Village Deli are used as bread and parsley is used as artificial catnip… When all is set, Munkus sits down at the table and an ear-splitting obnoxious noise rips through the soundstage…
Electra head-desks while the crew has a terrible giggle-fit as Munkus pulls out the Whoopee Cushion© and the microphone.
“Thanks, guys,” Munkus said, resigned as he dropped them behind the table. “I really needed that.”
[(*sigh*) Take two…]
THE LAST SUPPER
(Thursday night, the Last Supper [and a bad tip…])
Apossibles: (Beginning to trip out already… on parsley flakes at that…)
Look at all those big pink whatchamacallits…
Sinking in a gentle pool of Nip
Don't disturb me now, I can see the answers
Till this evening is this morning, life is ripped
Always hoped that I would be an opossum…
Knew that I would make it if I tried
Then when we retire we can all go swimming
So they'll still talk about us when we've dried.
Munkus:
The end... (He gets a standing ovation before the audience finds out it’s only a lyric…)
Is just a little harder when brought about by friends
For all you care this Nip could be my blood
For all you care these Bagels could be my body
The end! (Nervous applause by those who are still hoping, and dies out as Munkus keeps going.)
This is my Nip you sniff
This is my Bagel you eat
If you would remember me when you eat and sniff.
(Munkus face-palms…)
I must be mad thinking I'll be remembered - yes
I must be out of my gourd!
Look at your blank faces! My name will mean nothing
Ten minutes after you’re bored!
One of you denies me
One of you betrays me -
Apossibles:
Not I! Who could? Whoa! Bad vibes, dude!!
Munkus:
Putter will deny me in just a few hours
Three times will deny me - and that's not all I see
One of you here dining, one of my twelve chosen
Will leave to betray me -
Pounce (Badass):
Cut out the dramatics! You know very well who (Pounce sticks his tongue out)
Munkus:
Why don't you go do it?
Pounce (Badass): (The others gather around Pounce)
You want me to do it?
Munkus:
Hurry they're waiting
Pounce (Badass): (The rest of the group is starting to drag Pounce offstage)
If you knew why I do it...
Munkus:
I don't care why you do it!
Pounce (Badass): (Hanging onto the floor by digging in his claws…)
To think I admired you, but for now I despise you
Munkus:
You liar - you Badass you
Pounce (Badass): (The group nearly has him offstage, but he hangs onto the proscenium arch.)
You want me to do it!
What if I just stayed here and ruined your ambition?
Straps, you deserve it!
Munkus:
Hurry you fool, hurry and go
Save me your speeches, I don't wanna know - GO!
(The group throws Pounce offstage, and come back dusting off their paws. They sit back down…)
Apossibles: (The only bunch of idiots who can get high on parsley flakes…)
Look at all those big pink whatchamacallits…
Sinking in a gentle pool of Nip
Don't disturb me now I can see the answers
Till this evening is this morning, life is ripped
Always hoped that I would be an opossum…
Knew that I would make it if I tried
Then when we retire we can all go swimming
So they'll still talk about us when we've dried.
Pounce (Badass): (Coming back in -- Everyone rolls their eyes, groans and gets up again)
You sad pathetic Tom - see where you've brought us down
Our Queens flock around you all around the town
And now the saddest cut of all -
Someone has to turn you in
Like a common criminal, like a wounded animal
A naked manikin [Pounce!]
A faded mandolin [POUNCE!]
A jaded naked faded mackinaw…
Munkus: (Hand over eyes and slowly shaking his head)
Get out! They're waiting! Get out!
They're waiting for you
Pounce (Badass): (Pounce is grabbed by arms and legs and even tail and marched offstage)
Every time I look at you I don't understand
Why you get the Queens you do and I use my… uh, hand
You'd have managed better if you'd had it planned -
(Pounce is bodily thrown him offstage. A resounding BONG indicates they made the dumpster… at least the outside of the dumpster…)
Apossibles: (The group is about fall over about now…)
Look at all those big pink whatchamacallits…
Sinking in a gentle pool of Nip
Don't disturb me now I can see the answers
Till this evening is this morning life is ripped
Always hoped that I would be an opossum…
Knew that I would make it if I tried
Then when we retire we can all go swimming
So they'll still talk about us when we've dried.
Munkus:
Will no-one stay awake with me?
Putter? John? Jim?
Will none of you wait with me?
Putter? John? Jim?
GETSOMEFORME
(Sorry about that…)
(In the Garden of Gethsemane)
Munkus:
I only want to say…
If there is a way…
Take this Carrier from me for I don't want to be inside it.
See the door close, I have changed, I think I am Claustraphobic…
Then I was inspired (Bomba blows him an air-kiss)
Now I'm sad and tired
Listen surely I've exceeded TJC Years -- been in fifteen
Seems like thirty…
Could you ask as much from any other Tom?
But if I cry
See the saga through and do the things you ask of me
Let them hate me, hit me, hurt me, throw me in the Pound
I'd wanna know I'd wanna know, Rumpus!
I'd wanna see I'd wanna see, Rumpus!
Why I should cry
Would I be more noticed than I ever was before?
Would the things I've said and done matter anymore?
I'd have to know, I'd have to know, Rumpus!
I'd have to see, I'd have to see, Rumpus
If I cry what will be my reward?
I'd have to know, I'd have to know, Rumpus
Why should I cry?
Can you show me now that I would not be tossed inside?
Show me just a little of your ever-present bribe.
Show me there's a reason for your wanting me to cry
You're far too keen on where and how and not so hot on why
Alright I'll cry!
Just watch me cry!
See how I cry!
(Instrumental interlude… a half step flat and that makes everyone join Munkus…)
Then I was inspired (Deme, Cassie and Bomba - all in harem costumes - wave at him)
Now I'm sad and tired
After all I've been in fifteen, seems like ninety
Why then am I scared to finish T.N.J.C.
What YOU started - I didn't start it
Rumpus, thy will is hard
But you hold every card
I will get inside your big box
Throw me in the Pound and break me
Drug me, shave me, neuter, take me now -
Before I change my mind…
(Pounce and the rest of a lynch mob comes in…)
THE ARREST
Pounce (Badass):
There he is! They're all asleep - the fools!
(Pounce comes up to Munkus and slobbers on his toes…)
Munkus:
Badass -- eeewww… must you betray me with a kiss?
Alonzo (Putter): (finally waking up…)
What's the buzz? Tell me what's happening
Alonzo (Putter) & Apossibles:
What's the buzz? Tell me what's happening
Hang on Munk, we're gonna fight for you
Munkus:
Put away your sword
Don't you know it’s made of rubber?
It was nice but now it's gone
Why are you obsessed with fighting?
Stick to phishing from now on
(Scatterburr, Deme, Tantomile and Jemmi act as TV reporters)
Scatty: Tell me Straps how you feel tonight
Deme: Do you plan to put up a fight?
Tantie: Do you feel that you've had the breaks?
Jemmi: What would you say were your big mistakes?
Scatty: Do you think that you may retire?
Deme: Did you think you would get much higher?
Tantie: How do you view your coming trial?
Jemmi: Have your Toms proved at all worthwhile?
ALL: Come with us to see Kinkyfuss
You'll just love the High Priest's house
You'll just love seeing Kinkyfuss
You'll just DIE in the High Priest's house
Scatty: Come on, Straps, this is not like you
Deme: Let us know what you're gonna do
Tantie: You know what your supporters feel
Jemmi: You'll escape in the final reel
Scatty: Tell me Straps how you feel tonight
Deme: Do you plan to put up the fight?
Tantie: Do you feel that you've had the breaks?
Jemmi: What would you say were your big mistakes?
ALL: Come with us to see Kinkyfuss
You'll just love the High Priest's house
You'll just love seeing Kinkyfuss
You'll just DIE in the High Priest's house
Now we have him! Now we have got him!
Dancer (Kinkyfuss):
Munkus, you must realize the serious charges facing you
You say you're the Silver Stud in all your handonts -
Well is it true?
Munkus:
That's what you say - you say that I am
Junior (Anyfuss):
There you have it, gentle Toms - what more evidence do we need?
Badass? Thank you for the turkey - stay a while and you'll see it bleed
Crowd:
Now we have him! Now we have got him!
Take him to Pirate! Take him to Pirate!
(Alonzo, Bomba, and a few others come in as Munkus and the gang goes out.)
PUTTER’S DENIAL
(Sung to “Peter’s Denial”)
Deme (Chick #1):
I think I've seen you somewhere. I remember.
You were with that Tom they took away
I recognize your… face.
Alonzo (Putter):
You've got the wrong man, lady. I don't know him.
And I wasn't where he was tonight - never near the place.
Plato (Tom #1):
That's strange for I'm sure I saw you with him
You were right by his side and yet you deny…
Alonzo (Putter):
I tell you I was never with 'That Tom’.
Zhion (Old Tom):
But I saw you too - it looked just like you
Alonzo (Putter):
I don't know him!
Bomba (Mary Megaones):
Putter - don't you know what you have said
You've gone and cut him dead
Alonzo (Putter): We’re all gonna die!!! (Bomba dings him one…)
I had to do it don't you see?
Or else they'd go for me
Bomba (Mary Megaones):
That's what he told us you would do -
(Dryly) I wonder how he knew...
(Munkus and company come in as Bomba, Alonzo and groupies go out. Bomba blows Munkus an air-kiss. Tugger and a few extras try to look important…)
PIRATE AND STRAPS
(Friday)
Tugger (Pirate): (Still in his Captain Hook outfit -- without the hook…)
Who… is… this broken Tom, cluttering up the tyre?
Who is this unfortunate?
Tumblebrutus (Lowman guard):
Someone Straps - Stud of the Blews
Tugger (Pirate):
Arrrrr, so this be Munkus Trapp, I am really quite surprised
You look so small - not a Stud at all
We all know that you are news - but are you Stud?
Stud of the Blews?
Munkus:
That's what you say
Tugger (Pirate):
What… do… you mean by that? That is not an answer
You're deep in Doodoo, friend - Someone Straps - Stud of the Blews
How can someone in your state be so cool about your fate?
Real amazing crud - this silent Stud
Since you come from Vicarage then you need not come to me
You're Hairy’s race! You're Hairy's case!
(Everyone takes Munkus to another set where Presley waits…)
Mob:
Hosanna Hey Sanna Sanna Sanna Ho
Sanna Hey Sanna Ho and how
Hey MT, MT please explain to me
You had everything where is it now?
(Remember the Las Vegas set in the more current movie and stage? Forget it… This is the Windsor Junkyard, right? Thus, the flashiest it gets is that Misto turns on the party lights, and they have Presley in his mini-Elvis suit and rhinestone sunglasses. He looks more like Elton John needing a shave… However, he has every available second generation Queens from both Heathrow and the Junkyard dressed in showgirl garb -- borrowed from Just Plain Crazy…)
KINK HAIRY’S SONG
(Sung to “King Herod’s Song”)
Presley (Kink Hairy): (Sitting at a toy piano -- he starts by doing an arpeggio, and ends up falling off the piano bench… He lies on the floor, drumming his fingers…)
Munkus, I am overjoyed to meet you face to (he is looking at Munkus’ toes)… face
You've been getting quite a name all around the place
Wowing Kittens… causing Queens to faint!
And now I understand you're Rumpus
At least that's what you ain’t… (Spoken) Help me up, girls…
(Celestine, Pettipaws and Althea help Presley stand, and then slap him for trying to feel them up)
So you are the Straps, you're the great Munkus Trapp
Prove to me that you're real hip - change my water into Nip
That's all you need do and I'll know it's all true
C'mon Stud of the Blews
(While Presley is trying to sing, the 'Girls’ pose and otherwise cause Tom heart palpitations)
Munkus you just won't believe the hit you've made round here
You are all we talk about, the wonder of the year
O-o-oh what a pity, if it's all a lie
Still I'm sure that you can rock the Queenies if you try
So you are the Straps, you're the great Munkus Trapp
Prove to me that you're for real,
Go and make my Queenies squeal.
If you do that for me then I'll let you go free
C'mon Stud of the Blews
I only ask things I'd ask any superstud
What is it that you have got, that puts you up above?
O-o-oh, I am waiting, yes, I'm a captive blond
I'm dying to be shown that you are not just any Tom.
So if you are the Straps, yes the great Munkus Trapp
Try your pickup lines right here.
You can do it all by ear!
Or has something gone wrong? Why do you take so long?
C'mon Stud of the Blews…
(All the Queens and Presley rev up for the big Rockettes kickoff! The girls do the high kick. Even Presley manages to do a version of it…)
Hey! Aren't… you… scared of me, Straps? Mister Wonderful Straps!
You're a joker you're not the Stud - you are nothing but a Dud
Take him away - he's got nothing to say!
Get out you, Stud of the Blews! Get out of My Life! OY!
(Scene shifts to outside where Pounce literally runs into Dancer and Junior and the priests…)
BADASS’ BREATH
(Sung to “Judas’ Death)
Pounce (Badass):
Rumpus! I saw it - it looked three-quarter size!
And it was so bad he had to bend his thighs!
You cram him in there and he’ll be bent and lame!
And I KNOW who everybody's gonna blame!
I don't believe he knows I acted to be nice!
I'd save him all this suffering at a price…
Don't believe ... be nice ... save him ... at a price
Maahes (Priest 3):
Cut the confessions! Forget the excuses!
I don't understand why you feel with remorse!
All that you've said has come true with a vengeance!
The mob turned against him - you beat a dead horse!
Shadowdancer (Kinkyfuss):
What you have done will be the saving of the Junkyard
You'll be remembered forever for this
And not only that you've been paid to be silly
Pretty good wages for one sloppy kiss
Pounce (Badass):
Straps! I know you can't hear me,
But I only did what you wanted me to.
Straps! I'd sell out your father
For I have been saddled with the neuter of you
I have been spattered with parody crud
I shall be thrown in the slime and the mud
I have been spattered with parody crud
I shall be kicked through the slime and the… slime and the… slime and the mud!
I don't know how to love him
I don't know why he moves me
He's a Tom - he's just a Tom
He's not a Stud - he's just the same
As anyone I knew
Slash stories too…
When he's in the Pound, will he let me be?
Does he love me too? Does he care for me? Oh, Rumpus…
My mind is in darkness now -- Rumpus, I am sick, I've been used
And YOU knew all the time
Rumpus! I'll never ever know why you chose me for your crime
Your foul neutering
You have murdered me! You have murdered me! Murdered me! Murdered me! Murdered me!
(Gibbering, Pounce jumps into a Trash Bin)
Choir:
Poor old Badass
So long Badass…
(Deme throws the switch, and the trash bin disappears into the back of the lorry, and it drives off in a cloud of diesel exhaust…)
TRIAL BEFORE PIRATE
(Sung to “Trial Before Pilate”)
Tugger (Pirate):
And so the Stud is once again my guest
And why is this? Was Hairy unimpressed?
Dancer (Kinkyfuss):
We turn to Loam to sentence him today.
We have no law to put a cat away.
We need him in the Pound - it's all you have to do.
We need him in the Pound - it's all you have to do.
Tugger (Pirate):
Talk to me, Munkus Trapp.
You've been brought here -- star of this farce
By your own people - do you have the first idea
why you deserve it?
Listen Stud of the Blews
Where is your Studdom?
Look at me - am I a Blew?
Munkus:
I have got no Studdom in this world -
I'm through, through, through
Mob:
Talk to me, Munkus Trapp
Munkus:
There may be a Studdom for me somewhere - if I only knew
Tugger (Pirate):
Then you're a Stud?
Munkus:
That's what you say for cash
I look for truth and find that I get slash
Tugger:
But what is slash? Is slash a running gag?
We both have slash - are mine the same as yours?
Mob:
In the Shelter!!!
Tugger:
What do you mean? You'd put him in the Pound?
Mob:
We have no Stud but Sleazer!
Tugger (Pirate):
He's done no wrong -- no, not the slightest thing
Mob:
We have no Stud but Sleazer! In the Shelter!
Tugger (Pirate):
I see no reason -- He is not a hunk
This Tom is harmless so why does he upset you?
He's just misguided - thinks he's really big
But to keep you vultures happy I shall flog him
Mob:
Put him away!
THIRTY-NINE LASHES
(Counting 1 through 39 -- feel the burn…)
(During this scene, the Lowman soldiers come in and whack Munkus with soggy nerf bats. By the time Tugger figures out how to count to 39, Munkus is soaked…)
Tugger (Pirate): (whispering)
Where are you from, Munkus? What do you want, Munkus? Tell me
You've got to be careful - you could be snipped soon - could well be
Why do you not speak when I have the keys to the van?
How can you stay quiet? I don't believe you understand
Munkus:
You have nothing in your paws.
Any power you have comes to you from far beyond.
Everything is fixed and you can't change it.
Tugger (Pirate):
You're a fool, Munkus Trapp - how can I help you?
Mob:
Pirate! In the Shelter!
Remember Sleazer - you have a duty
To keep the peace put him in the Pound!
Remember Sleazer - you'll be demoted, you'll be deported
In the Shelter!
(The Mob closes around Tugger, causing him to cringe until he pulls out an air-horn and blows a sustained blast)
Tugger (Pirate):
Don't let me stop your parody career.
Cry, if you want to, you snobby Eagle Scout.
I wash my hands of your big finale.
Cry, if you want to, you big Silver Putz!
SUPER-STUD
(Played to “Superstar”)
(From the fly, a diamond set piece is lowered with Pounce in the top apex. He is dressed in a red tuxedo with yellow-white flames. Think of the shirt that Brooks & Dunn wore one time… In the lower parts of the diamond, and getting all the applause, are Nicole, Domino and Miyo, who are dressed in stylized flame swimsuits that only cover the necessary parts and little else.)
Pounce (Badass): (Girls part in magenta)
