PROLOGUE: Yes, this went to a three-parter… Just when you thought it was safe… Well, we got Munkus & Deme… er, Captain Claptrap and Meowlein Morona married, so all the making out and fooling around is legal now… Now we have a little problem here… No, Deme’s not preggie already… In today’s terrible Politically Correctness world, Sound of Music had to deal with the Anschuluss of 1938 where Germany under good ol’ Uncle Adolf 'annexed’ Austria. What happened was pretty much, 'We think you should be Germans instead of Austrians, and since we have tanks and you don’t…’ Well, you get the picture… uh, that picture… uh, you know what I mean… I think… Anyhoo… We have come to the point in the musical where the Nasties… uh, that’s the Jellicle version of the bad guys in WWII… decide that the Junkyard should become part of Macavity’s Warehouse District… Guess who would be Uncle Adolf if there actually WERE a part for him in this flick…?
If I have not already apologized to the city of Salzburg, and to the country of Austria, I should. I was able to actually see some of the locations of the film while on a special singing tour in 1969, and I met with a pen pal I enjoyed 'talking’ to. Now, whenever I see the film, I can say… “I’ve been there! I know where that is!” Of course, if they knew SOM is now the butt-end of this parody, they would probably change the name of the city, and hide the landmarks in any way possible… To put such a place into this parody probably hurts more than it should…
With that in mind, we now return to our parody in progress, even though you probably wish that we wouldn’t… Zo… You VILL sit und you VILL enjoy this flick. Verstanden!? *Ahem…* Part Three coming up, and may the Everloving Kittykat of the Skies have mercy on your stomach… er, soul.
This is a Rumblepurr Films, Ltd. Production
A Jellicle Parody Enterprises, ltd. Entertainment
Affiliated with Mustardpiece Theater, Inc
Directed and produced by Rumblepurr
Co-directed and produced by Altaica
Since no one is playing money for the following drivel, we calmly announce that this parody is not officially recognized by RUG, the Film Industry in general, the Paramint Studios in uptown South Cucamonga, or the Geneva Convention…
CHARACTER PROGRAM (In order of Forced Appearance)
ACTUAL
Maria
Captain Von Trapp
Max Detweiler
Mother Abbess
Sister Margaretta
Sister Berthe
Franz (Butler)
Frau Schmidt
Baroness Schraeder
Rolf
Herr Zeller
THE VON TRAPP CHILDREN
Liesl
Fredrick
Lousia
Kurt
Brigetta
Marta
Gretl
|
PARODY
Morona
Captain Claptrap
Max Dirtwheeler
Mother Abyss
Sister Margarita
Sister Bernie
Franzie (Butler)
Meow Schmutt
Baroness Shredder
Wralff
Herr Cellar
THE CLAPTRAP KITTENS
Easel
Freddie
Lousy
Quirk
Forgetta
Marker
Gerbil
|
JELLICLE
Demeter
Munkustrap
Skimbleshanks
Jellylorum
Jennyanydots
Cassandra
Coricopat
Tantomile
Bombalurina
Mistoffelees
Tugger
THE KITTENS
Victoria
Mungojerrie
Rumpelteazer
Pouncival
Electra
Cettie (Etcetera)
Jemima
|
|---|
Other Parts -- Whoever gets caught first.
Conducting the All-Kitten Some-Phony Orchestra and Marching Band for this musical will be Quaxo… The only conductor ever known to toss a water balloon into an upright tuba… This show will be the only time (Thank the everlasting Cat!) that this show will be done to the following:
INSTRUMENTATION:
KAZOOS: Aprhrodite (lead), Artemis and Amanda
COMB AND TISSUE: Augustus(lead), Adonis, Pettipaws
AIR GUITAR: Fiddlestix
KEYBOARD Synthesizer I: Leona
KEYBOARD Synthesizer II: Althea
ELECTRIC FENDER GUITAR: Maahes
ARIA BASS: Nuada
ELECTRIC PERCUSSION: Plato
NOTE: The Theatre is not responsible for hearing loss, curly hair or extreme nausea from sitting in the first five rows…or from sitting anywhere else in the theatre, for that matters…
THE GREEN ROOM
Vickie came into the Green Room and looked around. Dressed in her abbreviated 'Sailor Moon’ outfit, she expected at least a whistle or two, but she got nothing…
“What’s going on?”
Rumpleteazer grinned and pointed to the trailers out the window. One of them was rocking pretty good. “’Uneymoon watcin…”
“Oh for the Rumpus sake… If those two are not already mated by now, then they never will be.”
Electra chuckled. “That’s Munkus and Deme for you. You give them an excuse, and that’s what happens.
“Amateurs…” Vickie said, and then grabbing Misto by his brownie belt…
“Hold it,” Tugger said suddenly. “Brownie Belt?”
[Since when do you read the exposition, Tugger?]
“What’s a brownie belt? Is that a belt worn by fairies?”
[Tugger? The Sam Browne Belt was originally worn by the United States Army, and was originally invented by a British Army officer by the name of…]
“Lemme guess, Sam Browne,” Tugger nodded. “That’s what I like about you, Rumble. You’re a great en-psycho-piddya…”
Vickie pulled on the belt. “Come on, Misto. Let’s show these peons how to really bounce a trailer…”
As Vickie and Misto went outside, Electra began snickering and chuckling. Soon, she began laughing outright, and snorting when she tried to control herself. Cettie, who normally did not have a clue anyway, finally asked the question everyone wanted to ask.
“What’s, like, so totally funny, Leccy?”
“Just (*snort*) watch (* giggle *)…”
Jellylorum came out of the dressing room in her nun’s habit and carrying a ruler. “Watch what? I can see Leccy can’t answer me, and Teazer doesn’t know how…”
Teazer objected. “’Ey, Oi resembell dat remark!”
“Then that brings me… to you, Cassie…”
“Why me, Jelly?”
“You’re the only sober Queen out here that might know what’s going on.”
“Very well. Munk, Deme and Bomba are out demonstrating the ability of a trailer’s suspension to keep the trailer within the parking space it is in.”
“You almost have Rumble’s vocabulary, Cassie.”
“Button it, Jelly,” the Burmese growled. “Then, Vickie and Misto are going out to their trailer to show that they can do things better.”
“Face it, Blue Eyes,” Tugger chuckled, “Vickie is rather limber…”
“And that,” Cassie continued without batting her eyes, “made Electra crack up… My guess is that she knows something about that particular trailer.”
“No kidding… Oughta be a hoot, anyway…” Jelly harrumphed.
“They doing it yet?” Pounce asked as he came back in and managed to squeeze between Jelly and Electra (and getting a pissed look from both of them).
“Vickie and Misto are just getting into the trailer and they got half their costumes off,” Electra said looking through binoculars. “Okay. Door closed… opened again and there’s a sign on the doorknob.”
“Wat’s da siogn say?” Teazer asked, not really able to see out the window.
“Guess,” Electra replied.
“Don’t even give Teazer that kinda opportunity, Rusty,” Tugger said, being able to look easily over Jelly’s shoulder. “It says, and I quote, 'If the trailer’s rockin’ BUZZ OFF’!”
“Well?” Teazer asked.
“He has it spot on,” Jelly said, slightly amazed. “That’s not the usual saying…”
“Tugger knows Vickie’s taste in signs,” Cassie replied.
“Wow!” Electra said. “What happened there? The trailer jumped about a foot!”
“Probably Vickie pushing Misto into the bed,” Pounce chuckled.
“And now? I thought Munk and Deme and Bomba were energetic…” Jelly asked.
Tugger tapped Pounce between the ears. “Hey, shortstuff. What’d you do to the trailer?”
“Jerrie and I took the suspension springs off. Whoa! I didn’t know a trailer could jump sideways like that!”
“If that keeps up,” Electra said, “they’ll be down in the Thames is about an hour.”
“You expect them to have that much stamina, Leccy?” Jellylorum asked.
“You don’t know Vickie… Misto’s iffy, but my money’s on the trailer at least making the motorway.
[Someone please stop the pre-show entertainment before we have a tie-up on the M25.]
“Rumble’s always spoiling all the fun…” Pounce whined. “I was hoping they would go into the NC17 range of movements…”
“Do we want to know that that means?” Jelly asked.
Leccy shook her head as the fire brigade ran out the cold water hoses. “Nope… Tell Rumble we’ll be out as soon as we flood the trailers…”
ACT TWO
SCENE TWO: The AWSUCKS OF THE JUNKYARD
Skimble and the group were dressed in the 'Oktoberfest for Mature Children” outfits and were standing out in the square where the tire and the old car when Tugger and Tumblebrutus came in. Tugger had on a tweed hat and a trenchcoat while Tumblebrutus looked like a toy soldier painted brown. Fortunately, the gun Tumble carried was a squirt gun. Unfortunately, he liked to 'shoot’ people a lot…
“Herr Dirtwheeler!” Tugger called out, saluting with a Bronx Cheer. “Hail Maccie.”
“Oh, good afternoon, Herr Cellar,” Skimble said, making the same gesture and then wiping his face with a handkerchief.
“Perhaps you've not heard. I am now the Goalie. Hail Maccie!”
“We’ve already done that, Tugger. He can hail himself now.”
“I've come from Captain Claptrap's house,” Tugger said, winking. “The only one in the area not flying the Third Roach flag since the Awshucks. But we have dealt with that.”
“I dinnae…” Skimble tried to answer.
“The housekeeper told me that I would find you here,” Tugger said, cleaning out his right ear. “It was the only thing she'd tell me.”
“Ye ought to ken ye wouldnae get anything out tae Tanto. What kind of information are ye looking for?”
“When will the captain return?” Tugger said, brushing his claws on his lapel.
“Well, he's on his honeymoon trip. He's nae been in touch with us.”
“No, but I’ve bet he’s touched Deme and Bomba enough times… Uh, am I to believe he hasn't talked with his kittens in over a month?”
“How many Toms do ye ken who would communicate with their kittens while honeymooning?” Skimble asked with a leer.
Tugger shook his head. “Munkus might be that square. Okie Doke… Upon his return, he'll fill his proper position in the new order.”
“Right… and Pollies will brush their teeth… uh, Naturally. And may I congratulate ye and your people in allowing the festival tae gae on tae-night as planned.”
“Why shouldn’t it go on? Nothing in the Junkyard has changed. Singing and music will show this to the world, and nauseate everyone. The Junkyard is the same. Hail Maccie!”
Both gave each other a Bronx Cheer, which means to place one’s thumb against the tip of your nose, place your fingers straight up and wiggle them while making a bilabial fricative -- which means to extend the tongue outward between the lips and make a very rude noise… Skimble completed his by wiping his nose.
“Come, let's gae home.”
Cettie pouted. “Why was he so, like, cross?”
“Everybody's cross these days,” Electra replied. “Especially Vickie…”
Vickie stuck her tongue out and gave Electra a “Hail Maccie” salute.
“Maybe, like, the flag with the, you know, black spider makes people, totally, nervous,” Cettie said.
The rest of the 'kittens’ and Skimble looked at each other. Skimble shrugged. “She gets one right periodically.”
“So does a shotgun,” Electra groused.
“Will Father be in trouble?” Pounce said, trying to get a line in.
“He dinnae have tae be,” Skimble said. “The thing tae do is tae get along with everybody. Remember that tae-night at the concert.
“Are we really going to sing before a lot of people?” Vickie asked before Pounce could get another line.
“Look,” Skimble said, pointing to a crudely drawn poster. “The Claptrap Family Singers:
Easle, Freddy, Lousy, Forgetta, Quirk, Marker and Gerbil.”
“Why am I always last?” Jemmi complained.
“Cause you’re the shrimp in this show,” Vickie preened.
“Because ye are the most important,” Skimble insisted. “There we go.”
“Are you sure Father will approve of our singing in public?” Vickie asked, pushing Jemmi out of the spotlight.
“He'll be pleased and proud,” Skimble said, crossing his fingers behind his back.
“Easle, do you, like, think so?” Cettie asked
“Don't ye trust me?” Skimble said, and then held out both hands. “Don’t answer that!”
“Easle!!” Misto said coming in on his tricycle.
“Wralff!” Vickie said, about to jump him and repeat the trailer incident. “I'm so glad to see you. It's been…”
“Good afternoon,” Misto said, straight-arming her aside like a running back on his way to the end zone. “Give this to your father as soon as he's home.”
“He's on his honeymoon,” Vickie said, grabbing Misto by the wrist and putting it between his shoulder blades.
“I know,” Misto wheezed, then disappeared in a poof of smoke.
“You do?” Vickie said, fanning it away and looking warily around for him
“We make it our business to know all,” Misto said from the old oven.
“Who's 'we’?” Vickie asked, running and jumping up to tackle him. He disappeared again, and she crashed into the boards between the oven and the closet.
“See that he gets it,” Misto snickered as he appeared back on his tricycle.
“What is it?” Vickie asked as she crawled out of the debris.
“It's a letter from the head honcho himself…”
“Don't you want to deliver it yourself?” she asked, getting ready to leap at him.
“I'm occupied with more important matters,” Misto said, gauging his luck. “And your father had better be too.”
“But, Wralff!” Vickie said, launching herself at him. He and his tricycle disappeared, and Vickie hit the mud puddle in a beautiful swan dive…
“Father!” Everyone else said as Munkus, and Deme came on dressed in travel clothes of the 1940s. Munkus carried a wad of shredded red, white and black cloth that used to be a flag. He shoved it into Skimble’s gut like a football from scrum.
“We didn't expect ye so soon,” Skimble wheezed. “Ye just missed the festivities.”
“Hello, hello! Yes… And I see Vickie missed Misto again. That’s what you get when you mate with a Conjuring Cat.”
“After I clean up,” Vickie growled, now looking like the Swamp Thing, “I shall provide you with a scathing rejoinder…” She grabbed the shredded flag and started toweling off.
“See us shudder with fear,” Deme said, exchanging pleasantries like flipping each other off with the mud-kitty as Vickie exited.
“We didn't expect ye home until next week!” Skimble snickered.
“Did ya brin’ us sumting from Paris?” Jerrie asked, snooping through the luggage Cori was bringing onstage.
Deme growled. “Jerrie, get out of my suitcase or I’ll throw some of my lingerie in your den and tell Teazer that you cross-dress.”
“Ah, she knows dat anyhoo…”
“Why didn't ye call us?” Skimble asked.
“We couldn't get through.”
When someone forgot their lines, Pounce looked around, “I had nothing to do with that!”
“We came back as fast as we could,” Deme said, looking a bit sheepish.
“Yeah, right…” Electra snorted.
Munkus gave the rust-colored Queen a brain-duster. “Well, well, well! We missed you!”
“We really missed you…” Deme deadpanned.
“We missed all the noise in the morning,” Munkus said. “Especially from the trailer next door to us…”
“Mostly, we missed hearing you sing,” Deme put in quickly.
“Oh, you, like, came back, you know, just in time,” Cettie said, bouncing next to Demeter. “Totally…”
“Look, Meowlein Morona… Oi mean Mudder…” Jerrie got out before Deme had him by the collar and eye-to-eye. “Ello, Dems… uh, Mummie dearest?”
“We're going to sing in the festival tonight,” Electra put in quickly.
“Yeah, We've been having a lovely time!” Pounce said, getting in a quick line. “We've been rehearsing all…”
“Surprise! Surprise!” Skimble said quickly. “Surprises for ye on the terrace.”
Munkus came up nose-to-nose. “We'll talk about this…”
“I would've told ye but ye were away,” Skimble said, sweating. “But, I had tae make a last-minute decision. I was fortunate to enter them at all. They'll be the talk of the festival. Imagine, seven kittens in one family…”
“Max!” Munkus growled. “Somehow I recall having made it quite clear to you… You know… about how I feel about my family singing in public!”
“The committee was enchanted,” Skimble squeaked.
“What did they say?”
“I have never heard such enthusiasm,” Skimble said; glad that Munkus could not see Pounce imitating the act of throwing up.
“Don't you think just this once…?” Deme tried to say.
“Absolutely out of the question…”
“Munkus, this is for the Junkyard.”
“For the Junkyard?” Munkus snorted. “There is no Junkyard!”
“But the Awshucks was peaceful,” Skimble shrugged. “Let's at least be grateful for that.”
“Grateful? You know, Max…” Munkus said, patting Skimble on one cheek. “Sometimes I don't believe I know you.”
“Blame the contract and this part…”
Vickie came back onstage, cleaned up and changed into a fresh skimpy Sailor Moon outfit. “Father, I forgot…”
“With a skirt that short,” Deme commented dryly, “everyone could tell…”
“This is for you,” Vickie said with a leer, handing the Silver Tabby the letter.
“Morona,” Skimble said as Munkus ripped open the envelope. “He has got tae at least pretend tae work with these people. Ye must convince him.”
“Max, I can't ask him to be less than he is,” Deme said with an obvious groan…
“Then I'll talk to him,” Skimble said, rolling his eyes. “If the kittens dinnae sing, well… It will be a reflection on the Junkyard.” When everyone gave him a 'Yeah, right!’ look, he shrugged. “Oh, I know. It wouldnae do me any good either.”
“Mother?” Vickie snickered. “That sounds so nice. I like calling you 'Mother’. It makes you sound so old…”
“Just so there isn’t anything added on to the end of it, I like hearing it.”
“You love Father very much. I can tell you do.”
“Everyone can,” Electra drawled, and ducked quickly before the bagel could bean her. It got Cettie instead.
“Very much…” Demeter said, glaring at Vicky.
“Mother, what do you do when you think you love someone?” Vickie said, moving out to hog the spotlight. “I mean, when you stop loving someone or he stops loving you?”
“Well, you cry a little,” Deme said, coming up and hip-bumping Vickie to one side. “Then you wait for the sun to come out. It always does.”
“There are so many things I think I should know but I don't,” Vickie said, and looked perturbed when the rest of the cast cracked up. “I really don't,” she growled threateningly.
“How can you?” Bomba said from off-camera. “You’re not in a triad like Deme and me.”
“Sometimes I feel the world is ending.” Vickie patted her mane.
“When you have lines like that, your career definitely is,” Bomba said.
WHEN YOU'RE SIXTEEN… (reprise -- we tried to stop it)
Deme: When you're sixteen going on seventeen
Waiting for time to strut.
Somebody kind, who touches your mind
Will suddenly touch your… [Deme!].
Vickie: When that happens,
After it happens, (Vickie winks)
Nothing is quite that sane.
Somehow I know,
I'll jump up and go,
If ever he curls my mane.
Bomba: Gone are your old ideas of life.
The old ideas are next…
Lo and behold, you're someone's Mate,
And you will get some… [Bomba!]
Bomba & Deme: You may think this kind of adventure
Never may come to you.
Dahlink, sixteen going on seventeen
Wait a year...
Vickie: I'll wait a year ...or two
All three: Just wait a year... or two…
All three upchuck…
Munkus looks up from the letter, and Deme spazzes slightly. “What is it?”
“She’s even better than Karnak the Magnificent,” Bomba said.
{Author’s Note: If you never watched Johnny Carson and the Tonight Show, just think a Fortune Teller that puts an envelope to his forehead, and tells you the punch line before opening the letter and then telling you the straight line leading up to it…}
“Maccie… He’s offered me a choice that I can’t refuse. I've been requested to accept immediately… and report to their nasal base at Bummerhousing tomorrow. I knew this would happen. I didn't think it would be so soon. To refuse him would be fatal for all of us. And joining them would be unthinkable… Get the kittens all together. Don't say anything to worry them. Just get them ready. We've got to get out of the Junkyard…
“…and this house…” Deme added.
“…tonight…” Bomba finished. “A Little bit of this, a Little bit of that…”
“Wrong musical, Bomba,” Munkus said, grabbing her wrist and pulling her to the next set. Later, they are shown pushing a Little Red Wagon, with Munkus, Deme, Bomba and Skimble in back, and all the kittens in the wagon. Vickie is steering the wagon.
“This strains my back and breaks my heart,” Skimble groaned, “when I think of the kittens missing the festival.”
“By your announcement, we'll be over the border,” Munkus groaned.
“Do you appreciate the sacrifice I'm making?” Skimble groaned some more.
“Why doesn't, like, Father turn the, you know, motor on?” Cettie asked.
“Because he doesn't want anyone to hear us,” Electra said, rolling her eyes. “This wagon has a squeaky left rear wheel.
“What will Meow Schmutt and Franzie say?” Pounce asked.
“They'll be able to answer honestly they didn't know anything,” Deme said. “They absolutely refuse to read the script, so that would be telling the truth.”
“Will we be coming back here?” Vickie asked.
“If we’re luck, Easle. I do hope not,” Munkus said.
“Are Father and Uncle Max going to push the wagon all the way to Heathrow?” Jemmi asked looking over Munkustrap’s shoulder.
Tugger tapped Munkus on the shoulder with his riding crop. “Something wrong with you’re your little Red Flyer, Capitan?
“Yes, we couldn't get it started,” Munkus said lamely.
“Tumble?” Tugger said, snapping a thumb and forefinger. “Fix Captain Claptrap's wagon so that it will start.”
“Tugger? It’s a toy wagon…”
“Never mind, then.” Tugger said, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I've not asked you where you and your family are going, nor have you asked me why I'm here.”
Munkus smiled without humor. “Apparently we both suffer from a deplorable lack of curiosity, and we know how to read a script.”
“You never answered the Letter…” Tugger said, holding up the letter. “…from the Admiral of the Navy of the Third Roach.”
“I was under the impression, Herr Cellar,” Munkus said, rubbing his nose, “that the contents of letters in the Junkyard are private! At least, the Junkyard I know.”
“The miracle of steam, Munkus… I have my orders to take you to Bummerhousing tonight where you will accept your Rubber Duckie…”
“I'm afraid that's going to be quite impossible. You see, we…” Munkus said, waving his hand absently at his… 'family.’ “…all of us, the entire family, will be… Heavyside help us… singing in the festival tonight. As a matter of fact, we're going now. We couldn't possibly let them down now.”
When Munkus made a 'play with me’ gesture, Deme nodded. “I just hope we're not too late for the show.”
Tugger rubbed his forehead. “You ask me to believe that you, Captain Claptrap… a boneheaded tin ear, are singing in a concert?
“Believe me, it will be a performance beyond anything even I've dreamt of.”
“You got that right…” Deme said.
“Like you, Herr Cellar, l, too, am a Tom of hidden talents.”
“Yes. I’ll believe that when I hear the off-key yowls of…”
“Here, program…”
“It says only the names of the kittens,”
“It says the Claptrap Family Singers, and I am the head of the Claptrap family, am I not?” Munkus pulled Deme and Vickie to him, and the rest formed up in front of him.
“And these travel clothes that you're all wearing?” Tugger said.
“Our costumes, naturally,” Munkus said. “This night air is not good for the kitten’s voices, or anything else for that matters...”
“Well, a slight delay in my orders will not be serious. Therefore, you VILL sing. You VILL all sing. But only because that's what I want. It will demonstrate that nothing in the Junkyard has changed. And when you have finished singing… you, Captain Claptrap, will be taken to Bummerhousing. Now, if you will all get into the wagon… and we will escort the Claptrap Family Singers to the festival.”
“No escort will be necessary,” Munkus said, forcefully grinning.
“Necessary?” Tugger grinned back. “A pleasure, captain. After all, we would not want you to get lost in the crowds. Would we?”
“Uh… No.”
SCENE THREE: THE SALTEDBIRD FESTIVAL
Munkus, Deme, and the kittens are in their “we are singing in front of people” pose. At this point of the picture, they are almost done. Which is good, because we really DON’T want to hear them sing this song any more than they want to…
The Claptrap Family Singers:
"Soul," A thing he doesn’t have…
"La," when I forget the words…
"Tee," a wooden stick in golf…
A stick we jam in grass
Stick we jam, Jam in grass
In grass, Keep Head Down…
We Jam, Follow Thru…
Stick we jam in grass
A stick in grass
We jam We jam...
...in GRASS!!!
Munkustrap comes out with his ukulele. Everyone not in the cast has now been drafted as audience members, and so they threw popcorn at him…
“My fellow Junkyardians… I shall not be seeing you again, perhaps for a very long time…” he said.
The audience broke out in a standing ovation. When he signaled for quiet, he got it when Quaxo stood just off camera and cracked his knuckles…
“I would like to sing for you now…”
The Audience groaned.
“…a love song.”
The Audience groaned louder…
“I know you share this love. I pray that you will never let it die, or you will all be placed in the Pound…
IDLE WUSS (reprise -- sorry about this…)
Munkus:
Idle Wuss
Idle Wuss
Every morning you trip me.
Small and slick
Sly and quick
You look happy to beat me.
Puppy of snow
May you blooming go…
Blooming go forever
Idle Wuss
Idle Wuss
Miss my sidewalk forever…
Idle Wuss
Idle… (Munkus falters because Deme has stuffed a sock in his mouth.)
Deme: Every morning you trip me.
Small and slick
Sly and quick
You look happy to beat me.
Munkus & Deme:
Puppy of snow
May you blooming go…
Blooming go forever
Idle Wuss
Idle Wuss
Miss my sidewalk forever…
At the last, the audience joins in the song just because Quaxo told them to…
Skimble came on, and leaned in to be able to talk into Munkus’ ear. “I think it'll work. I shall miss all of ye. I shall definitely miss the money I could have made with ye.” Then, he adjusted the microphone. “Thank ye, Queens and Gentletoms. The competition has now come tae its conclusion.”
He had to wait several minutes for the overwhelming applause to die down and the loud “Hallelujahs” to stop being proclaimed. “…except, we dinnae ken yet what that conclusion will be. (The crowds groaned…) And while the judges arrive at their decision, I have been given permission tae offer ye an encore. (The groans increased in volume…) This will be the last opportunity the Claptraps will have of singing tae-gether for a long, long time. (Scattered applause…) Even now, officials are waiting in this auditorium (The spotlights pick up several SuperSoaker armed guards…) tae escort Captain Claptrap to his new command in the nasal forces of the Third Roach. And so, Queens and Gentletoms, the Family Claptrap again to bid ye farewell.
SO LONG, FAREWELL (good riddance…)
The Kittens:
There's a sad sort of cheeping from the birds in my skull
And the birds in my eardrums too
And up in the nursery an absurd little bird
Is popping up to spew "coo-coo"
Cettie & Jemima: Coo-coo
Cettie & Jemima: Coo-coo
Regretfully they tell us (Cettie & Jemima: Coo-coo>)
But firmly they repel us (Cettie & Jemima: Coo-coo)
To say 'Up Yours’
To you…
(Like a police line up, the kittens form in front of Munkus and Deme)
Jerrie and Teazer: So long, farewell, Off Whinersaying, good nioght
Oi 'ate ta go and leave dis prettah sioght… (they exit).
Cettie: So long, farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, ah poo.
Ah poo, ah poo, to you and you and you (Cettie giggles, and Electra pushes her offstage.)
Vickie: So long, farewell auf Wiedersehen, Good night.
I'd like to stay and see this pretty sight. (Vickie rushes offstage)
Pounce: So long, farewell Auf Wiedersehen, goodbye
I leave and heave a sigh and say goodbye
GoodByeeeeeeeee… (he sings the last note an octave higher due to Electra giving him a wedgie… again!)
Electra: I'm glad to go
I cannot tell a lie
I flit, I float
I fleetly flee, I fly (she exits, making the sound of a B17 bomber with three missing engines…)
Jemima: The sun has gone to bed
And so must I (she grins and then sprawls, snoring)
Everyone else: So long (Deme picks up Jemmi in a fireman’s carry)
Farewell
Auf Wiedersehen, goodbye
Goodbye…
Goodbye…
Goodbye…
Thank Rumpus… (Munkus and Deme exit carrying Jemmi)
(The applause is almost deafening since the Claptrap Family has left the stage. Skimble comes on, taking out his earplugs, and then he applauds politely. He adjusts the microphone, allowing some time for the feedback to fade.)
“Queens and Gentletoms, I have here the decision of our distinguished judges, who still wish tae remain anonymous for various reasons. We will start with the award for third prize. For this honor, the judges have named (he tears open the envelope and reads) the first soloist of the choir of St. Apathy’s Church in Burbank. Moewlein Schwiper.
(Fawn comes on in a choir robe, grabs the white ribbon from Skimble, and flips off the audience, who proceeds to pelt her with popcorn and Jelly Belly beans. Skimble politely applauds and then rips open the next envelope and reads…)
Second prize to… The Tubby Raisin Quintet.
(Victor, Archangel, Onyx, Starcatcher and Sacramentor appear -- not happy at all to be included in this parody, and especially as runner-ups to Munkus and Company. They grab the red ribbon, flip off the audience, who is happily pelting them with popcorn, Jelly Belly beans, and MnMs, and run from the stage. Skimble politely applauds again, and rips open the last envelope. He shakes his head.)
“And the first prize, the highest honor in all the Junkyard… (kazoo fanfare from the 'Orchestra’ and the spotlight goes to the wings where the contestants went off…) The Claptrap Family Singers.” (Another kazoo fanfare from the 'Orchestra’) “Uh, the family Claptrap!”
A guard -- Alonzo -- comes in shaking his head. “They're gone!”
Skimble grins. “Imagine that…”
SCENE FOUR: THE ABYSS… (not the one you’re thinking about…)
Munkus and Deme are furiously pounding on the door to the Abyss… (For those of you who did not catch the First Part of this travesty, er, parody, the Abyss is the Numbbird Abyss -- a place for Numbs…er, nuns… a nunnery… whatever…) Cassandra comes out at her usual pace -- which is dead slow… She opens the small grill door, looks out, makes a sour face and goes “eeewww” before closing the door. She unlocks the main door and lets the mob in.
“Took you long enough, Cassie,” Munkus said.
“Come with me,” she said. “I would say 'Walk this way’ but some of you would try it and I HATE being made the butt of a sight gag…”
“Quickly, quickly.” Jenny said. “Cassie? That shilling between your knees thing is to remind you about celibacy, not on how to walk… Munkus, er, Captain? I have a place you can hide. Cassie? Er, Sister Burpy? We should have other guests very soon…”
(There is a LOUD banging on the door. Jenny looks at her Rolex watch.)
“They’re early… Sister Burpy? Slowly, slowly.”
Tugger is tapping his foot with impatience as Cassie looks out. “Did you not read the sign that says, 'No solicitors’?”
“Open this gate.”
“And a 'Good evening’ to you, too.”
“Hurry up, woman.”
“That better be a line or you will have a nun in your blankets tonight…”
“Just hurry up, Cass. I want outta this as much as you do…”
Cassie fumbles with every key on a thirty key ring. As she does, she explains what each key is… “My locker room key… my hope chest key… my chastity belt for when I am not in the mood… the front door…”
“Cassie!!!”
She finally opens the door, and Tugger pinches his nose, and then starts directing traffic. “Two Toms in there. Six of you cover the yard. You two! Cover the corridor. And I’ll be with Cassie in this other room…”
Meanwhile, in the graveyard set for Xmas Carol, Jelly is going over to a special section where the graves of those who like BIG statues for tombstones. She unlocks the door and lets the others in. Deme slips her a couple of large denomination bills.
“Reverend Mudder, we didn't realize we put the abyss in this danger.”
“No, Morona, it was right for you to come here. And this contribution will go well with my retirement… You think Onnie has an exchange rate for Earth currency yet?”
Munkus coughed politely. “We thought we might borrow your car.”
“I'm afraid our car will do you no good now,” Jelly said. “Other than being buried in junk for the last seventy years, I've been listening to the wires. The borders have just been closed.”
“All right, if the borders are closed, then we'll hoof up into the hills and go over to Heathrow on foot.”
“The kittens,” Jelly protested
“We'll help them,” Munkus replied.
“We can do it without help, Father,” Vickie said. “Can I drive?”
“Morona,” Jelly said. “You will not be alone. Remember: "I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills from whence cometh my help.’ That and the Mario Andretti driving course you took once when Munkus was away…”
“Yes, Mudder.”
“I'm scared,” Jemmi said, clearly bored.
“Me too,” Pounce said, clearly meaning it.”We’re all gonna DIE!!!”
“The Eternal Cat be with you.” Jelly locked the door and started to walk away.
“Jelly?” Deme called out.
“Yes?”
“The key…? So we can get out later?”
“Oh… right… Now let me out of here before they ask me to sing that fraggin’ song about climbing junkpiles…”
After Deme gets the key, everyone hides behind the statues.
“Mother?” Cettie asks.
Deme cringes, but replies sweetly. “Yes?”
“Would it, you know, help if we sang, like, about our totally favorite things?”
Everyone who can reach claps a hand over Cettie’s mouth.
“No, darling,” Deme said, gritting her teeth. “This is one time it would not help. You must be very quiet. Hold tight to me. (You know Cettie…) Not. That. Tight!”
Now, every Tom in the Heathrow Tribe is dressed in Nasty uniforms (a very tasteless combination of shirt, hat, tie and pants the color of mud-brown) swarms all over the place. They shine their flashlights all over, including into the cameras and at the Queens’ restroom door. When Onyx starts looking at the statues, Cettie puts her hand out to make shadow puppets. Onyx looks upward as if pleading for Charumcah to take him back…
Misto is going around reading the tombstones, and laughing at several.
“Here lies Sam Less, 19 'ought 4. No Less No More… hehehehehe…”
Onyx, who is the officer of this pack of clowns, shakes his head. “One stupid line in this whole cesspit, and I have to say it… Let's try the roof.”
“What roof?” Cosmos asks.
“Never mind. Let’s just get off the stage!”
Misto is reading another tombstone when he realizes he is alone. Vickie comes out and drapes herself exotically on one of the statues.
“Hey big boy… uh, Wralff, please.”
Munkus comes out, seeing Misto draw his squirt gun. “No, wait. You shoot Vickie and the water will make that sailor outfit transparent…”
“That’s why I wore it, Munkus,” Vickie complained.
“Morona… Kittens…” Munkus said, motioning them to scram off stage.
Misto is twirling the squirt gun like a fancy western. “It's you we want, not them.”
“Put that down before you squirt someone.”
“Not another move, or I'll shoot.”
“You try it, and you’ll wash your eyes out.” Munkus chuckles as Misto realizes he is pointing the gun at himself. “You don't really belong to them.”
“Stay where you are.”
Munkus reaches out, and puts his finger in the gun barrel. “Come away with us. Before you get someone wet. (He takes the squirt gun away from Misto.) You'll never be one of them.”
“Lieutenant!” Misto whispers. “They're here! They're here, lieutenant!”
Whistling his theme song, Misto wanders off while Munkus darts off stage.
******
Meanwhile, back in Jelly’s office in the Abyss. Cassie and Jenny came in, looking like pregnant penguins. Jelly takes one look at them, pulls out a bottle, and downs a good three fingers’ worth before she belches.
“What is it this time?”
“Reverend Mudder…” Jenny said, taking the bottle, and upending it for another three fingers’ worth before passing it to Cassie. “I have sinned.”
“I, too, Reverend Mudder,” Cassie said, her ears flattening as she belched.
Jelly pinches the bridge of her nose and then massages her right temple. “I’m glad this is my last line… What is this sin, my kittens?”
Jenny and Cassie pull out a series of car parts that, when put together, would completely restore a 1967 Classic Mustang.
“Pretty good for a set of 1940 era cars,” Jenny grinned…
SCENE FIVE: FINALE
Munkus stands at a podium with a slide projector.
“And this is us racing past Tugger’s car… and this is him flipping us the bird… and this is us at the border posing with the guards. And this is what Bomba was hardly wearing to distract the guards while we made it across the border… Hey! Hold on! I got a hundred or more slides to go here…”
The scene fades to black…
CREDITS
This is a Rumblepurr Films, Ltd. Production
A Jellicle Parody Entertainment
Unaffiliated with Mustardpiece Theater, Inc.
Filmed mostly on location in a Junkyard near Windsor, England
Directed and produced by Rumblepurr
Co-directed and produced by Altaica
Since no one is playing money for the preceding drivel, we calmly announce that this parody is definitely not officially recognized by RUG, the Film Industry in general, the RSPCA or the Geneva Convention…
Filmed completely without the permission of anyone whose property we happened to be on at the time, and without the consent of any government.
1940 Custom Cars courtesy of the Foreclosure Motors Company of Katmandu…
World War II footage courtesy of Fake Films, Ltd. of Cucamonga
No Animal or Jellicle was harmed during the filming of this Parody.
A few were pissed off at being pulled, pushed, or otherwise required to be in it…
All Jellicles are permitted to free therapy according to the Compensation Act of 1842.
Most of this parody was shot at the Paramint Studios of Southwest Cucamonga.
The rest of it was shot at the Live Ammo Shooting Range in Uptown Timbuktu.
Casting Director
Old Deuteronomy
CHARACTERS
Morona ~~~ Demeter
Mother Abyss ~~~ Jellylorum
Sister Margarita ~~~ Jennyanydots
Sister Burpy ~~~ Cassandra
Captain Claptrap ~~~ Munkustrap
Franzie ~~~ Coricopat
Meow Schmutt ~~~ Tantomile
Wralff ~~~ Mistoffelees
Max Dirtwheeler ~~~ Skimbleshanks
Baroness Schredder ~~~ Bombalurina
Herr Cellar ~~~ Tugger
The Claptrap Children
Easel ~~~ Victoria
Freddie ~~~ Mungojerrie
Lousy ~~~ Rumpelteazer
Quirk ~~~ Pouncival
Forgetta ~~~ Electra
Marker ~~~ Cettie
Gerbil ~~~ Jemima
Assorted Morons… er Extras…
Moewlein Schwiper ~~~ Fawn
The Tubby Raisin Quintet: ~~~ Victor, Archangel, Onyx, Starcatcher and Sacramentor
Assorted Nasties ~~~ The Heathrow Tribe
Catering was provided by Jenny’s Bar & Grill Emporium of Northeast Cucamonga
Green Room hors d’oeuvres provided by Momma O’Really’s Vomitorium.
***** END OF PART THREE *****
***** Finis *****
(Now Go Home…)
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