ACT ONE (09/04/2010)
PROLOGUE: Well, not bad for trying to make a stage parody of the film. I am using the 1952 film for the dialogue, but not really following it. I figure just adding a paraphrase of everything in between songs is enough to stimulate the ejection of one’s lunch… I noticed from my WIKI search that the Broadway version of the stage musical had a different set of sounds, so I hope you are using the film DVD for singing along with the lyrics I somewhat corrected…
The cast for this parody is from the TJC/Heathrow era, so you may have to go back and view the Twospotz/Kvitter artwork to reacquaint yourself with the characters. As it was, I was first tempted to have Munkus and Deme play the leads, but then Tugger came to mind as having the bigger ego, and Bomba as someone who almost detests Tugger on sight. Cassie is Tugger’s Mate in TJC, so who better to play the part of 'Kathy’ in the play. I was really tempted as well to put Rumpelteazer in as 'Lina’ but that would have been overkill. So many choices and not enough parts… Teazer would definitely NOT make the change from silent films to 'Talkies.’
For those of you unfamiliar with this film and musical, SINGING IN THE RAIN actually shows the transition of the movie industry from the old silent films to sound technology and modern movies. Some of the problems that went along with matching film and sound were also pointed out in the show. First, some microphones picked up every sound, which proved to be very interesting as well as embarrassing. The joke about putting a microphone down an actress’ bodice was true, and it did pick up her heartbeat. Then, the technology did not always work the way it was supposed to do, and that provided some other interesting problems when the sound did not match the action on the film… And yes, some people in the business did not have the vocal talent to enter into the Talkie era. For them, there was a still radio and character voice parts, or B-Movies…
And so, as the lights flash in the lobby, indicating that you have five minutes to curtain, please make your way back to your seat. The Loo is practically backed up anyhoo. Quaxo has been known to peg a late-comer with a water balloon, even if they are in the third balcony. Both the American Football and Baseball Leagues have tried to recruit him, but he is awaiting an invitation by the Glasgow Celtics. And so, once again, the cast and crew of the Jellicle Community Players and Waste Management Company are coerced into presenting Act Two of HURLING IN THE RAIN.
NOTE: Umbrellas are available in the lobby for an extra £10…
OPENING CREDITS
A RUMBLEPURR PRODUCTION
A FLY-By-NIGHT FILM
Produced by Rumblepurr
Director: Altaica
Stage Manager: Electra
Special Effects: Nightchaser, Mistoffelees & Company
CHARACTER PROGRAM (In order of Forced Appearance)
CHARACTER
DON LOCKWOOD
COSMO BROWN
KATHY SELDEN
LINA LAMONT
R.F. SIMPSON
DANCER
ROSCOE DEXTER
ZELDA ZANDERS
|
PARODY CHARACTER
DON ROCKHEAD
COSMIC BLOWN
KRAZY SELDOM
LEANER LAMENT
R.U. SIMPLE
PRANCER
BOSCOE DUMPSTER
ZELDA ZELTZER
|
CATS PERFORMER
Tugger
Alonzo
Cassandra
Bombalurina
Munkus
Demeter
Misto
Jennyanydots
|
|---|
ALL OTHER PARTS: Whoever did not go on vacation fast enough...
Please NOTE: Some characters were no longer be “with us” by the end of the TJC series, but this is a parody… After all, they filmed the “Haunted Mansion” and got away with it… AND there ARE ghosts in Harry Potter movies…
Anyone else is pulled off the street, given a script and costume, and thrown in front of the camera. Filmed on location (which is undisclosed for anonymity reasons) and at the Panamint studios without their permission…
THE ORCHESTRA
Featuring: The Junkyard Tango and Polka Band
Conducted by: Quaxo
Toy Piano One: Aphrodite
Toy Piano Two: Amanda
Kazoo One: Augustus
Kazoo Two: Aurora
Accordion: Miranda
Acoustic and Electric Guitar: Tailkinker
Air Guitar: Fiddlestix
Bass and Tuba: Shadowdancer
Drums: Sundancer
Percussion: Kvitter
THE GREEN ROOM
“Are you sure they double locked the doors, Munk?” Bomba asked.
“Yes, I checked them… all of them…”
“Does that mean…?”
“Yes, Bomba. We have to do Act Two.”
“And does that mean…?”
“Yes, you still have to act with Tugger.”
“Hey, Mister Author? Why me?”
“Because…”
“You had to ask… Come on, everyone. If we do the second act, we all get to go to JENNY’s. Otherwise, it’s Mucky D’s…”
Tugger scowled. “And I hate their fried brick sandwich…”
“Well, I’d look forward to this act.”
“Munkus? Have you sent your brain out to the cleaners? I have to do a Tap Dance on a wet floor, and, dig this, and the rain ain’t real rain. The crew is mixing in milk to make the rain visible… That’s a riot, right?”
“Could have been worse -- they could’ve used beer.”
“What makes that so bad?” Tugger grinned. “I’d gargle the stuff…”
“Yes, but the puddles would have foam on them…”
“Great… This parody, getting wet, and coming down with pneumonia… I’d ask what else could go wrong, but I know HE is listening…”
“Fifteen minutes to curtain…” Electra announced. “Get your big tookuses out on the set before I turn on the fire sprinkles in here!”
“So I get wet sooner…”
“For you,” Electra said acidly, “I’ll use the fire hose.”
As Electra went out, Tugger turned to Munkus and Alonzo. “She really, really digs me, you know?”
Alonzo and Munkus nod, wait until Tugger goes out, and both shake their heads.
“He really is blonder than Presley, isn’t he?” Alonzo said.
“And getting blonder as he grows older… When he got to the Homeworld, I think the blond influence escalated. Let’s go, Lonzo…”
HURLING IN THE RAIN
ACT TWO
ENTR’ACTE
Quaxo once more eyed the orchestra as he took the podium. Most of them still seemed sober, so he raised his baton. Saying a brief plea to the Eternal Cat, he began the downbeat. The orchestra had the Entr’acte to V-PETA, another Webbie play about the love life of dictators in Argentuna that was playing at the Amboy Cultural Center. Quaxo tossed a water balloon that struck the Chinese Gong at the back of the orchestra pit, and the Entr’acte stopped. After everyone got out the correct music, Quaxo tried again. Considering they never practiced the actual Entr’acte, the orchestra did fairly good…
*** CURTAIN ***
The Grubby Chinese Theater and Pawn Shop in Hollyweird once more announced the premiere of a show. This time, the Reallymental Pictures Studio was presenting their first talkie, “The Dueling Cavalier!” Munkus, Tugger, Misto and Alonzo are all in white tuxedo coats and black slacks while Bomba wore a white dress that resembled the 1920s version of Marilyn Monroe’s similar gown. The fact that she was standing over a subway grating and laughing at the Toms reaction wherever a train went by reinforced the image.
Sitting in the booth, they watched the show… and wished they had stayed in the backstage dressing rooms. Dressed in her French Poodle dress that had been repaired and reinforced, Bomba played with a string of pearls. Being a 'Talkie’, the microphone picked up the distracting rattle every time she played with it. And, when the string broke, the microphone picked up the tap and rattle of every single pearl…
When Tugger came in, his shoes squeaked… yes, every step is an amplified squeak…
According to the stage directions, when Tugger sees Bomba, he is to throw aside the walking staff that European nobility and wealthy patrons carried. He did, and the backstage crewtom missed. The resulting clatter, numerous crashes, swearing and the final clunk of the staff coming to rest was picked up in fine detail.
The final straw was a fan that Bomba picked up. Every time she used it to tap against her hand (or against Tugger’s hand whenever he tried to play with her leg), the microphone picked up the sound as though it was Quaxo tapping his Louisville Slugger against the podium.
As the audience came out during the intermission, they all agree on one thing…
“That film was Crappé…” (pronounced Crap-pay)
And so, Tugger, Cassie and Alonzo went back to Ron Rockhead’s ten-room trailer, and sulked big-time…
“You know what would have made that premier even more disgusting?” Tugger said.
“Letting Heathrow do it instead of us?” Alonzo replied.
“Lonzo, that is not fair to Heathrow,” Cassandra commented.
“Is anyone going to listen to me?” Tugger asked, and got two identical stares that said, And why should we do that?’ “Okay… Making it a musical within a musical.”
“Actually,” Alonzo interrupted, “I was thinking more of having you wear corduroy pants and turn you into a one-Tom band. Is that close enough?”
“Lonzo, buddy-boy? You can be replaced with a talking parrot.”
“Are we drunk enough to actually perform the dance in the script?” Cassie asked.
Tugger and Alonzo looked at the depleted bottles of champagne that were supposed to be their celebratory beverage and nodded.
“We are…” Alonzo said.
“This will be like doing 'One Chocolate Roll Too Many’ from Starblight,” Tugger said.
GOOD MOURNING
(Done to “Good Morning”)
(In the course of this song, the three performers will manage to cross three large rooms… laterally… Perhaps, being a movie star of this time period allowed one to build palatial houses of such a size. They start in a kitchen… and they will stagger throughout the trailer…)
Cassie:
Good mornin',
Alonzo:
Good mornin'? (He winces)
Tugger:
We've barfed the whole night through,
Cassie:
Good mornin'
Cassie, Tugger & Alonzo:
Good mornin' to you. (Tugger: You gotta be kidding…)
Good mornin', good mornin'!
I’ve got a hangover,
Good mornin', good mornin' to you. (Cassie: Oh puh-lease…)
Alonzo::
When the food began to spoil
The sun was shinin' bright.
Tugger::
Now the migraine's on its way,
It's too late to say goodnight.
Cassie:, Tugger: & Alonzo::
So, good mornin', good mornin'!
Bloodshot eyes will squint through,
Good mornin', good mornin', to you,
Cassie::
And spew, and spew, and spew!
Good morning,
Good morning,
We've hurled the whole night through.
Good morning, good morning to you.
Tugger & Alonzo:
Nothin' could be lowly than to have a HOLEY MOLEY
Cassie, Tugger & Alonzo:
In the morning,
In the morning,
We’ve got a hangover!
Good mornin',
Good mornin' to you.
Tugger: & Alonzo:
I might be just real tipsy
If I had a Whistling Gypsy!
Cassie:
When we left the barroom floor
I was feeling no pain.
But time is gone
The show goes on
And I don't hardly know my name!
Tugger: & Alonzo:
So say, Good Mornin'!
Cassie:
Good Mornin'? (She winces)
Cassie:, Tugger: & Alonzo:
Bloodshot eyes will stare right back
Cassie:
Good Mornin'!
Tugger: & Alonzo:
Good Mornin'? (They wince)
Cassie:
Bon Jour!
Tugger & Alonzo:
Bon Jovi!
Cassie:
Buenos Dias!
Tugger & Alonzo:
Carmen Dias!
Cassie:
Buon Giorno!
Tugger & Alonzo:
Giorno Giovanna!
Cassie:
Guten Morgen!
Tugger & Alonzo:
Melita Morgan!
Cassie, Tugger & Alonzo:
Good morning to you.
(They play with some coats and make an obscene Sezame Street puppet show out of them.)
Waka laka laka wa
Waka laka laka wa...
Olé, toro, Bravo!
(Tugger waves a hankie and Alonzo acts the part of the bull. Alonzo charges, and Tugger steps out of the way. Alonzo runs offstage and there is the sound of a series of crashes, breaking glass, a few invectives, a domino-effect sound of cascading dishes and the final clank of a paint can… Tugger lays the hankie down on the floor and he and Cassie run off the opposite direction… and trip over a couch…)
******
SCENE: At Reallymental Pictures commissary where some of the strangest costumes appear -- especially the cast from Starblight Access starring in a 'Thomas the Tank Engine' special…
Tugger, Cassie and Alonzo are nursing throbbing migraines from last night/this morning’s binge while they sipped on some of the 'Hair of the Pollicle that Bit You.’ that is Quaxo’s newest patented Hangover Remedy…
“Those guys pretending to be trains and train cars?” Alonzo said. “Really lame…”
“I don’t know about that,” Tugger said, looking over his shoulder. “I kinda like the Dining Car… OW, my shin! Cassie? What are you wearing?”
She brings her feet out from under the table and shows them that she is wearing inline roller skates. “Not exactly era, but I may try out in about… sixty years from this film. Anyhoo… Are you really serious about taking Dumb Cavalier and turning it into a musical? Technically, Bomba is not supposed to be able to sing.”
“Too bad we can’t just have someone else sing in her place…” Alonzo said, and then snapped his fingers on the third try. “I know! We can have Cassie do the singing…”
And Tugger hopped in. “And let Bomba do the T&A flashing!”
(All three groan from the excitement and hold their throbbing foreheads.)
“I don’t believe thinking of Bomba this early in the morning is good for my brain,” Tugger said.
“Especially after the Binge of Last Night…” Alonzo said.
“Tugger needs a cold shower anyway,” Cassie replied. “It is time…”
“So I gotta?”
Cassie and Alonzo nod and say it simultaneously. “You gotta!”
“Kiss my head first,” Tugger said. “It may not make my headache any better, but it’s better than what Bomba would do.”
Cassie snogs him first-rate… and then points him toward the rain set…
HURLING IN THE RAIN
(Done to “Singing in the Rain”)
(Tugger comes on in a gray pinstripe business suit carrying an umbrella. Since the sound stage has a sprinkler system, it is turned on. Traditionally, the stage crew has added milk to the water to make it more visible… At first, Cettie misunderstood what was wanted and tried cottage cheese, but that clogged up the sprinklers. After a bit of flushing out the system, the sprinklers were filled with milk… CHOCOLATE milk… Okay, so the rain looks muddy...)
Tugger:
Doo-dloo-doo-doo-doo
Doo-dloo-doo-doo-doo-doo
Doo-dloo-doo-doo-doo-doo
Doo-dloo-doo-doo-doo-doo...
I'm hurling in the rain
Just hurling in the rain
What a nauseous feelin'
I'm feverish again (Jumps for the light pole and misses… music vamps as he gets up and leans against it instead.)
I'm slinging up gouts
Of food from last week
The stuff’s in my gut
And I'm ready to heave.
(Remember this scene with Gene Kelly doing a tap dance on a wet sidewalk and in all those milky puddles? Tugger ain’t Gene… and Tugger is wearing a cheaper wool suit…)
Let my rumbling gut
Clear all 'round my butt
Come on with the pain
I've a frown on my face
I run down the lane
With a painful complaint
Just hurlin',
hurlin' in the rain…
(Tugger tries Gene Kelly’s stunt of twirling an umbrella on its tip like a top, and it practically spins away from him. Then, he tries throwing the umbrella up, letting it flip a couple of times and he is supposed to catch it. Yep… Tugger misses it…)
Dee-ah dee-ah dee-ah
Dee-ah dee-ah dee-ah
I'm feverish again!
I'm hurlin' and slingin' in the rain!
(A couple of extras go by, stare at Tugger like he escaped out of a nearby asylum called Reallymental Pictures, and quicken their pace…)
I'm hurlin' and slingin' in the rain...
(Tumblebrutus comes on as a Western sheriff -- the whole outfit including spurs and chaps… Tugger looks him over and neither of them can believe the costume choice… Tugger acts like he’s explaining his choice as his suit starts to fall apart at the seams…)
Why am I hurling
And why do I sling? (rip…)
Why does these bad scripts
Seem runny as spring? (rip…)
Why do I get up (rip…)
Each morning and start?
Grumpy and full up (rip…)
With gas in my… (TUGGER!)
Why is my breakfast
Some trouble to sit? (rip…)
Because I am having (rip…)
A bowel full of… (TUGGER!)
(With the suit practically in tatters, Tugger strolls offstage after giving his umbrella to Fagan. Meanwhile, a rubber duck floats past Tumblebrutus, whose Stetson leaks water and milk down the front of his outfit. Pulling an Oreo out his vest pocket, he dunks it in his hat brim, and munches the cookie as he goes off…)
******
TECHNICAL START OF ACT TWO…
SCENE: R. U. Simple’s studio office. The three Toms -- Munkus, Alonzo and Tugger are standing in the center of Munkus’ office.
“We really have to do this?” Munkus asked first.
“Afraid so, R.U.,” Alonzo say, actually in character.
“Okay… You know, we can’t have the Dueling Cavalier be the title of this musical idea of yours, Don… Tugger…?”
“Huh? Oh, yeah. Every time you call me that, I keep looking around for some guy named 'Don.’ What musical idea?”
“Alonzo, you’re closer to him,” Munkus said, and Alonzo whacked Tugger in the back of the head. “Thanks. We can’t have that as the title because I don’t think people want to hear that tune again and see Burt Raynolls.”
“Munkus?” Tugger asked. “What are you talking about?”
Munkus holds the bridge of his nose. “Remember the picture with Burt and buddies having a canoeing trip down a river into hardcore hillbilly country and they get involved with two dudes having a duel with a banjo and a guitar?”
“Dueling with a banjo and a guitar?” Tugger said blondely. “Sounds like a bad remake of Webbie’s 'By Jeepers’.”
“Alonzo?” (*Whack*)
[For the readers who still do not understand the joke, think “Dueling Banjos and Deliverance”]
Tugger rubs the back of his head. “Whatever…”
The three pace with Munkus and Tugger going downstage and then up to meet with Alonzo who went upstage and then has a five-watt bulb light up over his head.
“Very funny, Misto,” Alonzo says as he notices the prop. “How about 'The Dancing Cavalier’?”
“Very good! Cosmic? Remind me to make you musical Director.”
“Uh, Munkus? I already am…”
“Never mind then. Then what about our star? We need an alto to make the low sultry notes while Bomba bends over and shows her cleavage for the guys…”
All three start to pace and collide in the middle. Munkus motions Tugger to go upstage of him while Alonzo goes upstage. Once again, Alonzo has another light bulb.
“We have Cassie sing, since she’s an alto, and we have Bomba flash her, uh…”
“Boobs, Lonzo,” Tugger chuckles.
“Yeah…”
Munkus rubs his forehead. “Okay, very good. Cosmic, remind me to give you a raise.”
Alonzo grins and puts out his hand. “R.U.? Can I have a raise?”
“Lonzo? You’re pushing your luck… Let’s do the next song with Cassie singing…”
(As Cassie sings into a microphone while Quaxo visibly conducts the Fillharmonica orchestra, Tugger makes faces at her, trying to crack her up… totally blond to the fact that this is CASSIE he is trying to break character…)
WOULD YOU?
(Done to… well… anyhoo…)
Cassie:
He holds her in his arms.
Would you? Would you?
He tells her of her charms. (She looks down at her 'charms’)
Would you? Would you?
They met as you and I,
And they were only friends.
But before the story ends...
He'll kiss her without tongue. (She sticks her tongue out at Tugger briefly.)
Would you? Would you?
And if the girl were I
Would you? Would you?
And would you dare to say,
"Let's do it another way."
I Would. Would you?
And would you dare to say,
"Let's do it another way."
I Would. Would you?
(Cassie says one thing on her way offstage -- “Basements, yes!”)
******
SCENE: R.U. Simple’s office. Tugger, Munkus and Alonzo watch the 'dubbing’ of Cassie’s voice and the high-grade shots of Bomba’s magnificent dress bodices… [Thought we were going to say something else, right?] After slobbering a lot, the three agreed that Bomba had a beautiful rack of dresses. [With minds like yours, no wonder I can’t write lower than PG13…]
“Hey,” Tugger suddenly says. “I gotta an idea… What if I do a big Broadway number just like this human Gee Smelly…?”
“That’s Gene…” Alonzo starts to correct him, and Munkus stops him.
“Let’s let him keep going. That way, he’ll take up a lot of this Act…”
BROADWAY VALET
(Done to “Broadway Ballet”)
(This whole section is a fantasy number -- not really part of ANYTHING but Gene Kelly is doing his thing… Tugger therefore is as blond as ever trying to do this number… He comes out dressed as a bellhop and looks around at a bunch of marquee signs imagining his name 'Starring…’)
Tugger:
Don't projectile hurl on Broadway
Ah, I am a clown on Broadway
Your troubles there, they're out of style
'Cause Broadway always goes a mile.
A million lights, they flicker there
A buncha red lights quicker there
No film script this bad will make me spray,
That's the Broadway Car Valet!
[BROADWAY BALLET]
(Tugger wanders all over the stage -- always going to the wrong spot and having someone point him to the right one. By the time he gets there, it’s the wrong spot again…)
Tugger:
Gotta dance!
Gotta prance!
Gotta hurl!
Tugger and Chorus:
Gotta dance!
Gotta prance!
Gotta hurl!
Tugger:
Broadway barfing 's got me, ev'rybody dance.
Broadway barfing’s got me, ev'rybody prance.
(Tugger does a ballet of his own… a little fruitier than PC would normally allow…)
Out on the gay white way and each merry café
Orchestras play taking our breath away, (Quaxo’s expression tells Tugger get away from him.)
Broadway barfing’s got me, ev'rybody sing and dance.
Oh, that Broadway barfing...
Oh, that Broadway arfing.
When I hear that happy beat
I feel like hurlin' down the street
In that Broadway barfing writhing, hurling slinging...
Chorus:
Gotta dance!
Tugger:
Gotta dance!
Chorus:
Gotta prance!
Tugger:
Gotta prance!
[BALLET]
(To become really moronic, Presley comes out in the same costume as Tugger, and it looks slightly like 'Father and son’ -- which neither Tugger nor Presley enjoy the thought…]
Presley:
Gotta dance!
Gotta prance!
Tugger:
Gotta dance!
Gotta prance!
Gotta barf!
[BALLET]
(At this point, Demeter, dressed in the standard Ballerina white WITH tutu, dances across the stage ala Swan Lake, and exits… Both Presley and Tugger watch Deme return to the curtain edge, bow to thunderous applause and exit again, and go 'huh?’)
Tugger:
That's the Broadway Car Valet!
******
SCENE: Back in RU Simple’s office where Tugger is posed, trying to get Munkus to see the Broadway number. The expression is more like 'You gotta be kidding…’
“No way we’re going to do that, no matter if Gene baby did it in the original…”
“So I wasted my time,” Tugger said, totally defeated.
“Maybe,” Alonzo said, shaking his head. “But, it gave us a laugh…”
“And Deme gets credit for tippy-toeing across the stage while I bust my butt?”
Munkus nodded. “She sure did…”
Cassie comes in and stands next to Tugger. He looks her over and grins. “I still get the girl in this square flick, right?”
“Oh, more than you know,” Alonzo says.
“What’s that supposed to mean? Just get Cassie one of those bras that Vickie always wears, and she can do Bomba’s part!”
“I heard that!” Vickie squealed from offstage.
“Who cares?” Bomba said wearily as she came onstage with Jenny.
“You have to be better than Vickie for sure,” Jenny said, “and Cassie doesn’t have it.”
“Thanks, Jenny,” Tugger snorted.
“If you’d tip better at my place, I’d be on your side,” Jenny growled back. “He’s all yours, Bomba. My condolences…”
“Yeah. Now if Tugger and Munk would change places…” Bomba said, and then stood nearly boob-to-boob with Cassie. “You wanna know how lame this whole thing is?”
“We already said that about the dance number Tugger did,” Cassie nodded. “So now we’re arguing about our parts in the musical where I am supposed to be your voice for the rest of my movie career.”
“And instead, we’re talking about boobs and cleavage,” Bomba nodded and then jutted out her superstructure. “Cassie? There isn’t anyway in the entire Russell Hotel that people would mistake my knockers for yours. Right, Munk? Munk??? Cassie? He’s glassy-eyed again.”
“Something I learned over in New York,” the Burmese said, forming her little finger and thumb into a circle and placing it between her lips. The piercing whistle was just under the vibration level necessary to etch glass.
“What?” Munk suddenly said, shaking his head, and looking at Cassie.
“I thought you were immune to Bomba’s feminine pectoral accessories?”
“Cassie? It’s kinda hard to ignore something like those hooters being shoved in your face,” he said, and then grinned. “Sorry about the innuendo there…”
“Right… Anyway, Dumb and…”
“That’s Don, little babe,” Tugger corrected.
“Natural mistake, honey,” Cassie nodded. “Don and I are getting married…”
Tugger blanched. “M-m-m-m-m-ma-ma-ma…”
“Bomba? You are closer now.”
(*Whack*) “Married?” Tugger finally got out, and then he faced Bomba. “Did you haveta ding me that hard?”
“It’s the follow-through,” Bomba chuckled. “Well, kiddies, you can forget about that. My contract says…”
Munkus, Cassie and Tugger all stop. “Contract?”
Bomba grinned. “Yeah. It’s all in this one-size-fits-all contract that can be used as a marriage certificate, pre-nuptial, movie career… the whole schmear… You can’t pull the wool over Bomba’s eyes, or this Leaner chick either…”
“You sure can’t pull anything over those bouncers,” Tugger got out.
“Cassie?” Bomba and Munkus asked simultaneously.
(*Whack*) “OW! I wish you guys would cut it out! I’m supposed to be the star of this dismal flick.”
“Well, buddy boy?” Bomba snickered. “This here contract makes me bigger than you are, and don’t you dare try and match me with the Tom equipment, Tugger. Munk has you beat.”
“Oh, yeah?”
Cassie stops Tugger from taking off his pants. When he regards her questioningly, Cassie grins and shakes her head while Munkus looks elsewhere…
Bomba continues to grin. “So I am the star in this enema fundament….”
[Bomba? That is the 'star in this cinema firm-a-mint…]
“You gotta admit it fits better with this plot development,” Bomba chuckled. “And my contract says it all. So there…”
******
SCENE: Another premier at The Grubby Chinese Theater and Pawn Shop in Hollyweird featuring “The Dancing Cavalier” and starring Don Rockhead and Leaner Lament. Below that, the marquee confesses: “All Singing, All Talking, All Dancing, All Nauseating…”
Munkus, Cassie and Alonzo watch the audience as the supercilious French Poodle scenes makes everyone wish they had not eaten before coming to the theater. Bomba… who seems a tad shorter than usual for this scene… comes out for the curtain calls. The audience is on its feet, applauding wildly because of the low-cut gown that she was wearing threatens to give any moment now.
“Queens and GentleToms,” she said, causing a few raised eyebrows. “I cahn’t tell you what a delight it has been to star in this magnificent picture along with what’s-his-name… If we bring a little bit of lust into your humdrum lives, it makes us earn our oversized paychecks that we get from the concessionaires. Bless you all.”
“Show off your star twins!” a Tom in the back that sounded a lot like Pounce.
“Why certainly…” the reddish Queen said.
As she started to bend over, a black glove came through the curtain with a hat-pin and jabs. There was a loud “POP!” followed by the hiss of escaping helium. Then, a white glove appears on the other side, and the incident was repeated. The famous bustline of Bombalurina slowly deflated…
Behind the curtain, Bomba (still the spectacularly endowed Queen she is) appeared and handed Cassie the weapon. “Vickie wanted her stardom, so I gave it to her…”
At one of the microphones, Alonzo imitates the famous radio announcement of the Hindenburg disaster. “The show! It’s crashing! Oh the Jellicle… uh, oh the felinity… And all the audience screaming around here.”
Then Vickie stormed by, her costume not quite fitting her any more. “Shut up, Lonzo! Bomba? You are a dead kitty…”
As the white Queen went toward the dressing room, Bomba shrugged. “See me shiver with fear…”
Tugger shakes his head as he goes out with Cassie following him. “Queens and Gentletoms and Whatever… Here is the real star of this flick, although I think she’d rather be anony-mouse…”
“Anonymous,” Cassie corrected.
“Whatever… If we’re lucky, this is the last scene… Sing it with me, babe…”
YOU ARE MY STUCKY LAR
(Reprise of “You Are My Lucky Star”)
Cassie and Tugger:
You are my stucky lar
I saw you from afar
Two lvely leyes at me
They where Bleaming
Geaming
I was starstruck (A bagel bounces off the back of Tugger’s head…)
You're all my chucky larm
I'm ucky in your larms
You've opened Peaven's hortal
Here on earth for this moor portal
You are my stucky lar...
(Thunder and simulated lightning darken the set as the cast runs momentarily offstage. Alonzo shouts out “Take us back, Charumcah!” and several members shout “Amen!” Unfortunately, that does not happen, and so the cast comes in as the sprinkler system comes on -- including the fire control jobs in the audience and the orchestra pit. Quaxo, however, came prepared and has a water repellant tuxedo on. All he does is pull up a hoodie hidden in the tuxedo coat. As the Finale proceeds, and the performers splash forward in their Construction-Yellow raincoats and sou’western bonnets (with umbrellas), Dancer’s Tuba starts to gargle a bit. True to form, Tugger’s raincoat has sequins on it, and Bomba has left the front of hers open. The problem she discovers is that anytime her umbrella is not directly over her, her décolleté gets wet… Of course, anyone enduring the deluge applauds their approval…)
HURLING IN THE RAIN FINALE
(Over and Done With…)
EVERYONE (including the Audience):
I'm hurling in the rain
Just hurling in the rain
What a nauseous feelin'
I'm feverish again
I'm slinging up gouts
Of food from last week
The stuff’s in my gut
And I'm ready to heave.
Let the rumbling gut
Clear all 'round my butt
Come on with the pain
I've a frown on my face
I run down the lane
With a painful complaint
Just hurlin',
hurlin' in the rain
In the rain!!
(Electra uses an axe on the pull rope and the…)
***** CURTAIN FALLS *****
OFFSTAGE
Someone finally found the valve to the sprinkler system before Fiddlestix began building a boat out of a crate of rubber ducks. Rain slickers were dumped into Cettie’s arms, and over Cettie’s head until she resembled a pile of yellow plastic coats. As Bomba went into the ladies’ dressing room, her mutterings definitely told everyone to stay away from her.
"You said 'You'll enjoy this script...' Right... Murray is so gonna eat this script... Because of him, I have to style my mane all over again... And my boobs…!”
Tugger’s ears perked up. “Did someone say 'Boobs’?”
Demeter brain-dusted him before heading in after the scarlet Queen. “Bomba did, and you will be the first one in line for her neutering clinic if you try for her.”
“Hey, Munkus? You need to control your broads more.”
“Wait for it,” Alonzo said, standing just outside the tomcat’s dressing room.
“Wait for what?” Tugger asked.
Bomba came out with a couple of towels. “Hey, Munk! Come out here and 'dry’ me off.”
Alonzo chuckled as he went in, leaving Tugger to stew.
“I still don’t understand how he does it…” he said as Munkus came out with a smirk on his face. Tugger mutters something about getting thoroughly stoned at JENNY’s later…
The orchestra finally trudges backstage as the cast is inside the dressing rooms with the sound of hair/mane blowers at the max. Quaxo undoes his bow tie, and tosses it. A bevy of Queens and Princesses pounce on it. His gloves follow to the glee of the female roadies.
Shadowdancer paused at the janitor’s sink and emptied out the tuba before putting it in its case. He shakes his head, and then empties his ears out in the sink as well.
Jellylorum, who acted as First Aid Physician and Bomba’s Vocal Coach, stood at the stage door. “Everyone who wants to go to JENNY’s get your tails over here!”
When Pounce, Jemmi and Gus meet at the door, they look around. They are the last ones.
“Where’s Cettie?” Gus asked.
“She was offstage left last I saw,” Jelly said.
“Be right back,” Gus said.
Gus Junior went to where he found a pile of yellow raincoats. He looked at it carefully, and then poked it.
The pile of raincoats giggled.
“Cettie?”
“Hi… Can you get me out of here, Gussie?”
After pushing a few coats out of the way, the white tiger Ditz Kitty pokes her head up. “Oh there you are! Hi, Gussie!”
Gus Junior sighs. “Let’s go, Cettie.”
“Do we need raincoats? I got plenty of them!”
“No, dear. Say Good-night, Cettie…”
“Good-night Cettie!”
They make it back to the door before the white tiger stops.
“Hey, wait a minute! I’M Cettie!!!”
“Yes, you are, dear. Let’s go to JENNY’s and I’ll get you a Hot Fudge sundae…”
And the Cast & Crew escapes to JENNY’s Bar, Grill, and Gift Shoppe…
CREDITS
This is a Rumblepurr Films, Ltd. Production
A Jellicle Parody Entertainment
Unaffiliated with Reallymental Studios
A branch of Twenty-First Century FLOX
Produced by Rumblepurr
Directed by Altaica
Since no one is playing money for the preceding drivel, we calmly announce that this parody is definitely not officially recognized by RUG, the Film Industry in general, the RSPCA or the Geneva Convention…
Presented at the Southwest Cucamonga Performing Arts Center and Barber College
First Run, September 14, 2010
1 Full Performance…
Cast and Crew are not recognized by any Actor’s Equity or Theatre Union.
No Animal or Jellicle was harmed during the writing of this Parody.
A few were pissed off at being pulled, pushed, or otherwise required to be in it…
All Jellicles are permitted to free therapy according to the Compensation Act of 1842.
Special Effects provided by Mister Mistoffelees Magic Company
And by Tarfur’s Computer Geeks, Ltd.
Casting Director
Old Deuteronomy
Catering was provided by Jenny’s Bar & Grill Emporium of Northeast Cucamonga
Green Room hors d’oeuvres provided by Momma O’Really’s Chinese Vomitorium.
And Goodnight Mrs. Calabash -- whoever you are…
***** Finis *****
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