The Jellicle Rio Chronicles

A LITTLE NUT MUZAK

By RIO (The Immaculate Slayer)

Completely Ignored by Rumblepurr

A Sadistic Parody

Dipping his razor-sharp claw carefully into a pot of ink, Macavity raised his eyes to the doorman. "What is it?"

"A Queen to see you, Sir." The Tom replied somberly. "She says she has an appointment."

"I recall no such thing." The Ginger Tom lowered his eyes back to the paper and continued to make notes carefully on the sheet of paper before him. Truly, sometimes these human inventions were quite amusing.

The jet-black doorman withdrew at a rapid rate, the door clicking shut behind him. The Crime Lord's office was plunged into silence, the Mystery Cat working intently on the notations he was making on the paperwork.

It was several seconds before he became aware that he was not alone. Without even looking around, he knew he would see no one, but there was a presence there. Someone or something had infiltrated his office, without anyone being aware of it.

"I would advise you to reveal yourself," he murmured softly.

"Ooh! How hideously kinky!" A voice squealed from his side. "How do you know I'm that kinda girl? Not that I run around parks in trenchcoats and flash at people... much..." A ginger paw shot out and wrapped around an invisible throat. "Nice shot!" The voice squeaked, a little higher.

"I would be much obliged if you would shut up for several moments, so I can finish what I am working on before I kill you."

"You can't kill me!" What sounded like a rather vain attempt at villainous laughter rang in the air. The voice cleared its throat. "Sorry... homicidal tendencies and whatnot sometimes get the better of me..."

Etching the final notation in his papers, Macavity turned in the direction of the voice. "Reveal yourself, if you please."

"Leggo my neck first." He acquiesced and, immediately, something warm, soft and large-bummed landed squarely in his lap. The air blurred, then made a popping sound, revealing a grinning Queen. "’Ello!"

Macavity raised one eyebrow exceptionally slowly. (The Queen giggled dementedly and clapped her hands at that, but that's not really important). "Did you just say... hello?" He asked slowly, as if she were deeply stupid.

"Nah!" A giggle fit ensued. "I said 'ello! But that's close enough!"

"Give me a reason not to kill you where you sit."

"I already said, you can't kill me. Not in this story, mate." She fluffed her out-of-control shoulder-length reddish-gold mane. "Nothing and no one can kill me, and even if they try, I'll just come back and do more damage in another story."

"Why, pray tell?"

The Queen fanned herself, hastily taking off her glasses that had steamed up and wiping them on her fur. "Because I'm so perfect and wonderful and have so many magic abilities that no one can do any harm to me whatsoever without me triumphing and ending up with the Tom I most fancy (unless Ahdeya snags him first) and being happy, rich, successful, kinky, laid and so on..."

It was at that moment that Macavity (that Sex God of lustable ginger fuzziness!) became aware that this stunning, graceful, mysterious, sophisticated and elegant (albeit somewhat... er...well-endowed in the boobs, hips and bum regions) Queen was indeed absolutely perfect in every way.

"My dear," he purred in his most seductive purr of a voice (that he always seems to have, when he doesn't have an evil, sleazy voice). "I intend to smooch you with a voracious passion. Do you find this at all objectionable?"

At this point, the mysterious and wonderful red-furred Queen (who was the first ever to be so magical and special to sneak into Macavity's private office without being caught or smooshed into a bloody paste) turned to an invisible camera with a look that screamed. "FREAKING GAGGING FOR IT!"

Returning her innocent and demure and delicate gaze to the Napoleon of Crime, she batted her eyes. "No, Macavity." She cooed in a sultry voice that made all Toms (for want of a better word) wibble. "I will permit you to smooch me with a voracious passion."

So he smooched her with a voracious passion and the good Queen didst wibble mightily.

After partaking of such voracious smoochies of passion, the good Queen did bestow one heck of a snog on the Mystery Cat, who didst also wibble mightily as she didst tickle his heinously villainous tonsils.

"My dear, please, I must know your name!" Panting in his chair (cos lets face it - he is getting on a bit, but he's like Sean Connery and wine - improves with age), the ever so naughty viagra-fuelled chap fondled one of the Queen's most delectable (and bloody massive) breasts.

"Get used to disappointment," quoth she, smacking his ever-so naughty paws away. "I am here for one reason... aside from the smoochies."

"And that reason is, my Lady?"

She shivered, grinning. "Oooooh! You called me 'Lady' - I like that... classy..." He stared at her in wonder, reveling in the soft, flowing beauty of her voice, impressed by her passion over such trivialities. "Anyway. Why I'm here. Well, here's the thing..." She wriggled in his lap and he was fittingly distracted. "I'm here to take over your Empire."

"Wonderful, my dear." His sunken eyes widened fractionally, suddenly aware of what she had said. "Pardon me, my dear, but I cannot permit that to..." She wiggled in his lap, eyes wide and innocent as a kitten's, her innocence and sweetness thoroughly beguiling. Her wriggling against his tackle, even more so.

"I won't make a mess, honest. Can I steal your business, cos you're such a big and powerful Tom and I'm so..." Staring into her huge, blue eyes Macavity felt the bottom plunge out of his stomach...and the top of something else plunge elsewhere (For those of you who know, think of a jam doughnut and be content that I do not elaborate). "Innocent."

Macavity gaped at her and stared at her and did all manner of actions that speak of awe and impressedness and all-round 'Wow'. How could he refuse one who was so beautiful? So persuasive? So sitting on his [CENSORED]?

"My dear... what will my function..."

Another elicit, explicit and ever so voraciously passionate smooch was planted squarely on the Mystery Cat's rugged mouth. "You'll stick around, dumbie," the Queen told him in her delicate and polite way. "To be my fuzzy snuggle bunny. We willst bonk morning, noon and night because I have such boundless energy and I am such a wonderous lover."

"And I?"

"Well, yeah, obviously. You think I'd bother with you if you weren't any good?"

More smooches of the elicit, kinky and voraciously passionate varieties transpired from this point inwards, but due to censoring and the fact that the writer is threatened with being shut-down if she starts another porn ring, we will choose to partake of a mandatory fade-out, with suitable blurring of bobbing figures and mushy music that REALLY doesn't fit the mood.

Knock-Knock.

"Whose there?" One of the strapping, large and naturally rather hunky guardians of the Vicarage Pipe (cos we can't remember the other ones) called.

"Boo."

"Boo who?"

"Whatcha cryin' for you, big baby?" A stunning and incredibly graceful and attractive red queen with a large posterior and gold mane appeared within the pipe, sniling in a way that made the Guardian drool dreamily. "I'm here to kill you all in mean and nasty ways, being a superpowerful being who is wonderful and powerful in every way imaginable...wait a sec! I mean, I'm here because," she struck a cute pose, "I'm so innocent."

Stepping aside to let her pass, he smiled adoringly. "I suppose you better come in."

"Thank you, you big hunk." She batted her eyes, skipping out into the open area of the Yard, where she was promptly greeted by a large, striped tribe member (no, not that kind!), who also happened to be the rather hunky Leader-type.

"Hold on a bloody minute," said he. "Who let you in here? Who are you? Do you mean to kill us all in mean and nasty ways, being a superpowerful being who is wonderful and powerful in every way imaginable."

Huge, innocent blue eyes stared at him from behind slightly squished glasses. "I'm so innocent! Would I really wish to harm any of you?"

"Of course not!" Munkustrap seemed shocked at the cruelty of his accusation. "May I have the name of so beautiful a creature?"

The Queen straightened her glasses and inclined her head. "My name is Rio." Spreading her black paw daintily on her chest, she exuded waves of pure 'Innocence' (The new Eau de Toilet from Kelvin Small - Available at all known stock lists). "And I am not here to take over your yard cos I am so innocent."

A Burmese queen appeared, looking all strict and severe and stuff, as befits a serious and stern queen. "May I read your mind, so I can tell if you mean to kill us all in mean and nasty ways, being a superpowerful being who is wonderful and powerful in every way imaginable?"

"Of course!" Rio enthused brightly, her paws clasped in front of her chest, a strange glowing halo over her head. "I am so innocent, I have no need to block you from my innocent and entirely non-homicidal mind."

Cassandra (for it was she) pressed her fingertip to the middle of Rio's smooth and perfectly flawless forehead. A single squeak escaped her, her eyes widening. Then, she stepped back and stated. "There. Is. Nothing. Evil. About. This. Thoroughly. Wonderful. Queen."

"I suspected as much." Munkustrap stated too, equally awe-struck.

Rio looked innocent and fanned herself with a paw. "I am so innocent." She giggled. "I didn't just take control of the scary psychic's mind and stop her from realizing that I do indeed intend to kill you all in mean and nasty ways, being a superpowerful who is wonderful and powerful in every way imaginable."

"Whoa! Who’s the chick with the big ass?"

"Did you offend the wonderful Rio's ass?" Munkustrap pointed the funny stick in his paw at the maned tom.

Tugger fell to his knees before Rio's superpowerful ass that is also wonderful and powerful in every way imaginable. "No! I was merely wondering how much wonderfulness could fit into so small an area. You are just perfect in every way! I will dump by two mates and become your slave, my beloved!"

"I'm so innocent!" Rio giggled, waving her tail. Of course, Munkustrap could not know that Innocence (aka, that toilet water) was a superpowerful drug to intoxicate all unwitting inhalers of it, as befits a superpowerful wearer. "Could you maybe point me in the direction of your Chronicler, Munky-darling?"

"Don't you want to play with my stick?" The tabby pouted.

Rio opened her eyes wide. "Really?" She grabbed his stick and the Leader squealed like a girl, because her powerful little hands were cold. "Oh! You meant the actual stick!" She released what she was holding and wrapped her dainty mitts around the Aegis.

A blast of lightening shot out of the stick and hit Victoria on the other side of the yard.

The white queen fell over, her legs tied in a knot behind her back.

"Oops!" The red queen gasped, still looking startlingly innocent. "It was an accident!" No one seemed to notice the evil, malicious and downright naughty grin and gesture she shot in the fallen white Queen's direction.

"Of course it was an accident!" Munkustrap quickly took the fancy stick back. "The Aegis was so surprised by your wonderful innocence that it could not help reacting...Victoria just happened to get in the way..." He sidled closer to her. "And if you don't want Tugger...can I be your Mate?"

She giggled, a perfect, crystal-like sound. "I already have a snuggle-puss," she cooed. "But I'm sure he won't mind sharing." Under her wonderful breath, she added. "He'd know about it, if he did mind." Smiling, she looked from one to the other. Each of them bowed their heads sulkily. "So, where is your Chronicler?"

For everyone who was aware of the Jellicle Chronicles was aware that it was, indeed, the Chronicler who held the most power within the Yard.

"C'mon, boys..." She purred sexily, as befits a Mary-Sue character, who is so wonderful it goes beyond description (Although, we're giving it a pretty darn good try in here). Two male heads rose and turned in her direction. Rio giggled innocently and pushed them both carefully away. "Directions, boys... not a word that almost rhymes with it."

Two male hands rose, gesturing to a large crate and the red Queen danced away, to find the Chronicler, who had yet to realize that his Yard was under attack and that he, above all others, was in the most danger of conquest.

Demeter, Bombalurina and Cassandra had all been introduced to concept of being mated into unconsciousness in the wake of the arrival of the wonderful, beautiful, graceful, dainty and perfect Rio.

Munkustrap and Tugger were both growing increasingly frustrated. The amazing red queen had not yet emerged from the Chronicler's home, which suggested that the little bugger had got luckier than either of them.

Again, they were both rather pleased to be bigger than him, so they could pummel him, if the need arose.

"I think we should go and stop him from abusing that poor innocent Queen." Munkustrap stated, standing tall (even though he was sitting down...).

Tugger made a vehement squeal of agreement. "She is so innocent and helpless! He might be shorter, smaller and less wonderful than her, but he could still take advantage of her innocence and non-homicidal tendencies!"

Both toms got up and strode - stiff-legged - towards the Chronicler's home.

"RUMBLEPURR!" They bellowed as one, throwing the door open in a display of manliness.

It was unfounded.

The scene before them made them both gape and not solely for the gold-maned, red-furred reason that was the center of their line of sight.

"Hi boys!" Rio giggled, holding Rumblepurr in a headlock against her side. The small Tom was staring at the two new arrivals from behind broken glasses. A strip of masking tape covered his mouth, with the word 'HELP!' written on it. Neither Tugger nor Munkustrap had realized that Rumblepurr was a Beatles fan. "I hate to tell you this, but you've been conquered."

Behind her, in the tardis-style room, huge cages were scattered here and there. In one, Kvitter and Sundancer sat, drawing and painting. A sign over the cage read "ART DEPARTMENT" – which made a reasonable amount of sense.

To her left, at the forefront, two Queens were bound back-to-back. Tugger recognized one as his Mate, and was instantly jealous that he had not been invited to this wonderful bondage orgy with the wonderful and innocent Rio.

Against her back, a dinky little Creme-point Healer was shooting glares at the wonderful Queen. Both she and the silver-red Queen were bound at wrist and ankle and gagged with colorful things that looked like Rumblepurr's handkerchiefs.

Far behind them, four more figures were visible. Three were in a cage suspended from the ceiling. Munkustrap recognized his daughter-in-law (who was looking rather peeved), his black-and-white tabby cousin (who was attempting to pick the lock) and another Healer by the name of Amity (who was hanging over the top of the open-Ceiling of the cage and waving like crazy).

The fourth was suspended by his ankles from the ceiling on a long chain, swaying backwards and forwards. The Shadow Warlock was scowling at the glorious red Queen who was simply too graceful and perfect for words.

"Conquered?" Munkustrap gasped, as befits a shocked and horrified leader. "Who would be so daring and so powerful to do such a thing?"

Only then, did he notice the huge book tucked neatly under Rio's right arm. Over the gold, embossed letters that read 'by Rumblepurr', a large sticker had been stuck with the word 'RIO' in bold, red letters.

"Why do you have the Chronicles?" He asked dumbly. Without the Chronicler to give him the answer, he was as smart as the tom who was standing next to him. "Rumblepurr, why does she have the Chronicles?"

The Chronicler stared at the silver tabby as if he were stupid - which, in consideration, he really actually seems to be right now.

"There's something weird going on here..." Munkustrap said to Tugger, who looked ready to beg at Rio's feet to be her snuggle-kitty. "Pro should be able to escape those chains being all magic and such..."

"Not when I say so." Rio murmured under her breath. As fits in with a supreme coincidence that must occur in every story, Munkustrap did not chance to hear her. "I'm all powerful and evil and no one can stop me! Muahahahah!" (Shockingly, he didn't hear that either!)

Munkustrap rubbed under his chin. "Why are Mellie, Alta and Amity in a cage on the ceiling? Why would Sunny and Kvitter be forced to draw? (As if that one wasn't obvious!) Why are Kinker and Silvana tied up? If this is what I think it is, why weren't we invited to it as well?"

Then it all clicked!

"You!"

"What about me?" Rio raised her brows (cos she can't just raise one - even thoroughly perfect beings have to have one minor fault).

"You have glasses! You must be a control freak!" Munkustrap yelled.

"MUAHAHAHAHA! You figured it out, you fool!" Rio threw back her head and laughed in a completely and perfectly evil fashion. "I have conquered your Yard and I will claim the Chronicles as my own!"

"Not if I can help it!" The noble tabby leapt forward.

"Sit!"

"Yes, Mistress." The noble tabby sat at her feet like an obedient puppy.

"I will save you, Munkustrap!" A small tuxedo burst through the doors, striking Superman's pose and grinning.

Rio laughed, casting Rumblepurr to one side and pointing at the feet of Mistoffelees. "Dance, Monkey! Dance!" She screeched, firing lightning bolts at his toes. Spinning into the conjuring turn, the Conjurer whimpered with every spin, until he fell over in a heap. "Oops... I didn't mean to kill him yet."

"Noooooooooooooooooo!" Victoria waddled through the half-open door, her legs stuck over her shoulders, her curvaceous chest dragging along the ground, smearing her once-perfect white coat.

"Have no fear!" A new voice shouted triumphantly.

Rio spun in terror at the voice, the Chronicles slipping from her paws. "No! It can't be! It's impossible!" She yelled, much in the style of a certain Monsieur Skywalker, fortunately without the separation of her right hand from her body.

Straightening his vest, Rumblepurr adjusted his cracked glasses. "You underestimate the power of the Chief Editing and Writing Side of the Chronicles!" He said, an ever-so-slightly smug look on his striped face (Okay, he had a weird-looking bald patch, where he ripped the tape off, but we won't annoy the powerful dude, right?).

"No! I won't let you spoil my fun! I want my Macca-snuggle-bunny! I wanna kill everyone!" A pen appeared in the brown tabby's paw, the Chronicles flying to his paw from the ground by some unseen power. "No! Please!"

Flipping the book open, Rumblepurr smirked. "Title... Rio's Wishful Thinking..." He scratched it into the book. Rio cast a panic-stricken look around at them. "By... Rio..." Blue eyes looked more terrified than innocent. "Edited... by Rumblepurr..." He smirked a little more. "Page... the parodies..."

"No! God no!" Throwing herself at his knees, she grabbed the front of his waistcoat. "Please! No! Anything but that!"

Blowing the ink dry, the tabby clapped the huge volume shut and looked coldly down at the sticker over his name. As if by magic, it peeled away, shriveling into a tiny ball and dropping off the book, onto the floor.

"And people think I'm mean." Rio mumbled morosely, sinking into a miserable heap on the floor, pouting.

"But what about Vicci and Misto?" Munkustrap asked, his brain back in working order since the Chronicler had his book back.

Rumblepurr smiled slightly, looking down at the wailing Rio. "That's one of the blessings of this being a parody." He replied. "By the time we get back to the proper books, everything should be back to normal." A wrinkle crossed his brow. "I think. At least we stopped her, though."

"And I woulda gotten away for it too, if it hadn't been for your crazy Chronicler." Suddenly starting to float in the style of Macavity doing his levitation thang, she laughed mockingly. "I will return, more powerful than ever! I will be back!"

Then she smacked her head off the ceiling and passed out.

"Why do I have this sudden urge to say 'yeah, right'?" The Chronicler mused. All thoughts flitted out of his head as his liberated Mate pounced him and made, wild, kinky and altogether too-hot-for-commentary smoochies.

THE END (thank the Everlasting Cat…)

P.S. – And Rio never got near Mac again. Pooey. By the way, who in the Beloved Name of Rumpus picked the color scheme of this page? (Do not ask…)

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