Done for the holidays…
THE GREEN ROOM
When the door opened, a Silver Tabby stood in the doorway with a blindfold over his eyes and a catnip mouse between his teeth. A white face from a smaller tuxedo Tom peered around one side of the Tabby and then the other.
“Hey, Munku? Aren’t you supposed to smoking a last cigarette?”
“You kidding? Those things are ghastly and make my fur stink. I’m glad my human gave them up… Wait a sec…” He took the blindfold off and looked into the room at the table near the wall. “Those scripts are too small to be anything from a musical or a book…”
“I’d still like to know what spell the Author uses to get us back here from the Homeworld… But then, I don’t even know where this place is…”
** One of the planes of the Author’s mind, Conjurer… **
~~ And please don’t ask about the Frequent Flyer Miles either… ~~
A sultry female voice came from right behind Munkus. “Oh, goody. Spook and Spookette are already here. Move that handsome butt of yours, Munk.”
“What about my butt?” Mistoffelees pouted.
“Munk has a bit more to play with,” Bombalurina said, stroking a striped cheek as she came into the slightly verdant-painted room. “Deme? You can come out. Very small scripts…”
“I still had a very unpleasant dream about this,” the gold-black Queen said as she stroked the other striped cheek. “You’re right, Bomba. He does have a handsome butt…”
“Hey, hey, hey!!!” Tugger said as he came in, and then pelvic rolled. “Munkus didn’t inherit the real thing.”
Mistoffelees hear a squeal of mews followed by the sound of bodies hitting the floor outside the door. “I don’t get it, Munku. Tugger makes a total a…”
“Misto? Keep it PG13,” the Silver Tabby said.
“Okay, but it won’t sound the same. Tugger makes a total donkey of himself, and Cettie, Jemmi, Teazer and Vickie faint…”
Cassandra fanned herself as she came in. “Some Queens do not know how to keep control of themselves.”
“A little hot under the collar, sweets?” Tugger asked.
“More like nauseated,” Bomba replied. Tugger and her traded air-kisses.
“Oh for Land’s sakes,” a rather irritated matron’s voice complained. “You four dears get up before you trip someone, like me, for instance…”
Moments later, Victoria, Jemima, Rumpelteazer and Etcetera came through the door followed by a not-so-happy Jellylorum. “What the…? Please tell me it isn’t another Hairy Putter parody. Movie number six hasn’t come out yet, and I hate it when HE uses the book…”
“Too small, Jelly,” Demeter said. “Where’s Jenny?”
“PLEASE NOT AGAIN! Hello everyone…” a tortie Queen said as she came in.
Jelly merely waved back at the door. “Ask and ye shall receive…”
“In that case,” Bomba said thoughtfully, grabbing Munkus by the arm, “how about a candlelit room, a very comfy catbed…”
“Within reason…” Jelly growled.
“For Bomba,” Cassandra said, rubbing a temple, “that WAS within reason…”
“Okay, getingetingetin…” Pouncival said as he tried to convince Old Deut to enter the room. Pushing on the ex-Leader’s butt was not doing a good job…
“Hi, big guy,” Tugger chuckled. “Where’d the Author 'dig’ you up from?”
The large Norwegian Forest Cat looked darkly at Tugger. “Since it is very unlikely that you’ll EVER reach the Heavyside Layer, let me just say I was sharing a hot tub with four of the most beautiful Queens I have seen since the time I saw Bomba in a rain barrel after a very hot summer day…”
“Why, Old D…” the scarlet Queen grinned.
Electra came in, wearing her usual headset and a very piqued scowl. She stopped beside Bomba and glared up at her.
“What’s wrong now, Rusty?”
“Don’t get me started, Rina. All right EVERYONE! As you know, this isn’t our usual gig, so let’s get out there and do this before all of us get the same headache Rumble has. Munkus!”
“Yes, Leccy…”
“You’re the Father in this one, so get your script. It’s all stage directions. You don’t have any lines because Purrcival will be doing a Mumblelog…”
“Uh, that’s 'monologue’…”
“Not the way Purrcy did it during the first read-through… Deme? You’re the Mother in this one…”
“Hold it!” Bomba immediately complained. “What’s wrong with this picture?”
Electra eyed the brown-paper bag sitting on her table, and reminded herself that the bottle inside it was for the party later. “Sorry, Bomba. Deme AND Bomba are the mothers…”
“Watch how you say that, Leccy,” Demeter cautioned by holding up a stale pineapple and spice bagel.
Electra nodded, knowing Deme was a sharpshooter with a bagel. “Jemmi and Pounce? You’re the kittens…”
“Because we’re short, right?” Pounce complained.
“Hey, Rusty?” Tugger said, shaking his head. “You really think the readers will mistake Jems for a kitten? The way she’s built?” He made the obvious hand gesture of outlining a nicely endowed female figure and the Toms whistled.
Electra massaged the bridge of her nose. “Her costume flattens that part of her out and BOTH OF YOU muzzle it!” she spat at Bomba and Jemmi.
Bomba grinned as she looked down at Jemmi. “I wasn’t going to say anything…”
“Good… Old Dee? You’re the Fat Guy…”
“Bah, humbug…” the huge ex-Leader growled. “That hot tub and the ladies better be there when I finish this thing.
“Hey, Leccy?” Jelly asked. “What about the rest of us?”
“Just get in there. Genevieve, Alta, Stareye and Saga-Bianca will be making sure you get into costume.”
“Oh, like, hurray!” Cettie bounced and squeed. “We’re, like, going to, you know, dress up for Christmas!”
“Gag me with a forklift…” Bomba said as she walked out.
As the cast filed out into Paramint Studio Sound Stage 51 & Delicatessen, Electra shook her head before closing the door. “And if we’re lucky, a meteor will hit this place…”
THE MUSTARDPIECE THEATRE SET
Purrcival once more sat in his moth-eaten upholstered chair, dressed in a Mattell© Ken Doll smoking jacket, and blowing bubbles from a bubble pipe. On his lap, he had an Illustrated book that was actually rightside-up this time and not hiding his usual PlayCat magazine. Hovering around him in an abbreviated elf costume, Scatterburr was making sure she had her proper light readings. Because of what was barely contained and covered in that costume, she also had to blot the sweat off of his nose periodically.
When Electra leaned in and told her thirty seconds, Scatterburr grinned, and then went back to her camera. That and her getting seated behind the camera made many of the toms in the crew groan. Purrcival had to swallow three times to even get his voice to work.
“You’re on in five… four… three…” Electra said, and then motioned 'two’ and 'one’. At that moment, the red light on Camera One went on.
“Good Evening,” Purrcival said in his proper announcer voice, “and welcome to Mustardpiece Theatre. I am your host, Purrcival, and I will be resenting…”
“That’s PRESENTING, you moron!” Electra corrected.
Purrcival looked skyward for a moment and then continued. “And I will be presenting the classic poem, 'Twas the Night Before’…”
When Purrcival turned the page, Electra massaged her forehead with one paw while she signaled the show to continue.
“Now many consider that Clement Clarke Moore wrote the poem 'Twas the Night Before Christmas’ also called 'A Visit from St. Nicholas’ in 1822. Others believe that Henry Livingston actually wrote it, but we do not care, do we… (*cricket… cricket…*) Obviously not… And so, we here at Mustardpiece Theatre will present the poem with help from the Jellicle Theatrical Players and Curling Team. And so, before our Director has a coronary, we shall begin… Our apologies to Clement Moore and even Henry Livingston… and whoever feels they belong in their category…”
OUR FEATURED PRESENTATION
[In the following parody, the script is being read by Purrcival. The indented script describes what is taking place on stage… If I could illustrate the poem, I would…]
Stage center is the interior of a small house that features two bedrooms and a living room. The interior of the house is dimly lit to simulate moonlight… a number of cats-eyes ring the room in yellow and green… As the background music softly suggests a snowy night, the eyes dim and brighten randomly… The setting fades as Purrcival picks up the book and begins to read…
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
Munkustrap and Demeter and Bombalurina come on dressed in nightclothes. Munkus is in short pajamas, Demeter is in a nightshirt that ends about mid-thigh, and Bomba is wearing a see-through nightie with matching bikini top and bottoms… She gets a few catcalls and whistles as she twirls a catnip mouse around by its tail…
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
Munkustrap stops at the fireplace and notes the stockings tacked to the mantle. His and Deme’s stockings are normal sized. Bomba’s stocking has a garter ringing the top. Both Jemmi and Pounce’s stockings are three times the size of the adults…
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
Jemmi and Pounce scurry in, and jump into the same bed. Munkus massages the bridge of his nose, and then goes to the bed. He grabs Pounce by the ear, and painfully leads him over to the OTHER bed. The two 'kittens’ roll their eyes, and then fall back into the pillows, snoring loudly…
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
Both Deme and Bomba place Santa hats on themselves, and plant one on Munkustrap’s head. Both Queens then grab an arm each and literally throw the Silver Tabby into the bed. They jump in and take about five minutes to settle down… And even then, the camera seems to detect movement…
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
Backstage, Mungojerrie and Tugger dump over the pile of pots, pans, china plates, pots of silverware and racks of glasses that the dishwasher crew had left out of the Deli. The ensuing 'clatter’ uncovers both Munkus and Bomba in a rather risqué position known to the Jellicle Kama Sutra as the Crouching Tiger, but without Demeter. Soon after the third pot hit the floor, Deme had screamed, “MACAVITY!” and disappeared straight up into the fly. Being somewhat exposed, Munkus held a pillow in front of a certain part of his anatomy while Bomba modestly… well… she draped the blanket over her. After Munkus managed to get his pajamas back on and arranged correctly, he went over to the part that had a window in the set. After he struggled three times to open the window, Bomba finally wrapped the blanket around her and flicked the window open.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,
When the first sentence paused dramatically, Bomba noticed that the blanket had not quite covered all of her superstructure. Smiling and giving the Toms a wink, she adjusted the blanket. Both Munkus and Bomba (and then Deme, who managed to get down out of the catwalks behind the proscenium) leaned out the window as Eight Queens came out decked in 'Reindeer Harness’. In the front, and in twos, Victoria stood with Cassandra and neither of them looked as though they wanted to be there. Behind them, Teazer looked Artemis over and saw how the harness barely covered Bomba’s adult kitten. Behind them, Aphrodite kept glancing at Tantomile, who had a very minute smile. Last, and probably least, Domino stood holding the bridge of her nose while Cettie bounced and jingled and squeed in her harness. As the team of eight Queens came out, they managed to tow out Old Dee sitting in the driver’s seat of the sleigh.
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
Old Dee was dressed as Sandy Claws, and he looked anything but pleased. Jingling in their harness, the eight shapely Queens towed the sleigh out in front of the set. The backstage Toms hooted, whistled and catcalled as the Queens came to a stop. At the point Purrcival stopped, Old Dee snapped his whip, and Teazer squealed briefly, rubbing her bum and glaring back at him.
"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
Grunting with the exertion, the Queens (even Cettie joined in, but her part did not look like she was adding much to the others>) towed the sleigh off stage… Electra was heard to mutter something about Cettie’s reindeer name should have been Cupid and actually changed to 'Stupid’, but Rumble told her to 'desist mumbling aberrant changes in the script.’
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.
A few leaves, some light stagehands and parts of the set blew offstage left as Mungojerrie turned on a stage fan. Shortly thereafter, Quaxo managed to turn off the fan and tie up the Tiger Tom. The sound crew managed to eventually find the jingle bells soundclip after going through a jet aircraft going over, a car crash, a flock of chickens being chased all around the inside of a coop, and the braying of a mule. Just about when Purrcival rubbed an aching temple, the jingle bells sounded and was then followed by the screeching of tires, a thunderous crash and ending with the sound of pieces gradually spinning to a stop.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
Munkus, Bomba and Deme held the bridge of each other’s nose as the sound team went through the soundclips of marching feet, horse’s hooves, a fire engine siren, and a ship’s foghorn before they got the right clip. At that point, Munkus, Deme and Bomba turned to the fireplace set to see Old Dee land on his tail inside, flattening the fake Yule log, and breaking wind…
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
“Or Mungojerrie after a night on the town…” Purrcival said before Electra threatened him with her boot.
His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
Old Dee looked anything but merry, and turned around to moon the camera.
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
He then provided the camera and crew a Bronx Cheer, otherwise known as a 'Bilabial Fricative’, that resulted from placing his thumb against his nose, fanning his fingers outward, sticking out his tongue and making a rude noise with it…
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
Since Old Dee was not smoking an actual pipe, Mistoffelees created a bit of fog effects that Old Dee had a bit of trouble fanning away. Finally, Misto dropped the spell, and got an irritated look from the ex-Leader.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
“You better not, Munk,” Old Deut said quietly. “At the rate I’m going, the hot tub will be courtesy of the boiler room in the Basements, and I’m sure I won’t like the Queens in it.”
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
“I wasn’t going to say a thing, Father…” Munk replied, trying to shut both of his Queens up and prevent them from laughing.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
Old Deut did not exactly follow the stage directions… He did not speak -- that much he did follow. He took things from his bag, and stuffed, crammed, and wadded them into the stockings -- ending with a full spin Dunk of a present into Pounce’s stocking -- which may have been the stage direction for 'turning with a sudden movement…’ The finger actually went inside his nose, and he did not exact 'rise’ up the chimney. Fortunately, Misto managed to use his magic lightning bolts to help the old ex-Leader to vault up and over the cover wall in the fireplace.
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."
Old Deut finally came out front, and placed a thumb and little finger in a circle, which produced a shrill whistle that could etch glass. The Queens brought out his sleigh again, which got them a second set of whistles, catcalls and several hotel keys from the Toms in the crew. And, as the Queens pulled the sleigh and Old Deut offstage, he broke wind on the last line, waited for Purrcival to finish and then made a relatively rude finger gesture to the camera. At that point, the curtain came down very quickly… Then Jemmi came out in her 'little girl’ nightie with a card saying “The End” on it… The Toms boo’ed her because she held the sigh up at chest level…
The camera in front of Purrcival came back on just as he was about to sip on a martini glass. He quickly put this down and behind the lamp sitting on a table nearby.
“Once again, we wish to thank for tuning in to Mustardpiece Theatre and hope that you will not take anything too seriously here. The Rumpus knows we certainly do not. And so, whenever you read this, the Jellicle Theatrical Players and Curling Team wish you Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night”
******
