PROLOGUE: Obviously, everything has to come to an end, and thank every god and goddess and other questionable deities out there that this one will do so as well. Besides, Alex D is probably taking special ballroom classes at the Crypt School of Dance as we spin this parody of the final chapters of The Three Musketeers. If you have missed the first THREE parts of this unpardonable literary masterpiece, consider yourself as being very fortunate.
So far, almost everything has had to do with La Rochelle, which by now every reader of this parody translates into “The Rattrap” or “The Roachmotel” -- depending on whichever dialect you use. During the reign of Louis XIII, this walled fortress on the coast halfway to Spain was held by the Potted Plants… er, Protestants against the His Most Catholic Majesty, and they were being supported by George Villiers, Duke of Buckingham. Buckingham had the hots for Queen Anne of Austria, who was wedded to King Louis XIII, but that is somewhat covered in here… somewhere, at least. Cardinal Richelieu set into motion the means to stop Buckingham’s support of the city, and to ice down Buck’s hots for Queen Annie. Needless to say, not much sympathy is given to the good cleric… By the way, the running joke about Richelieu being dressed in the uniform and equipment of a Phoenix Cardinal third baseman is a quirk of the Author’s imagination. If you still have not gotten the joke by now, please contact the author through the website’s WWW link…
All of our apologies are still in place, but maybe, just to be safe, we should apologize to the countries of France and England, and maybe even Austria for that matters, for including them in this parody. After all, insulting a country is pretty bad. However, we should get support from all the other countries in the world for NOT putting this parody in THEIR lands… Something like 120 to 3?
And now, we forcefully get back to the action at the local Masonic Temple of the Performing Arts in somewhat-attractive downtown South Cucamonga. The Jellicle School of Acting and Pest Extermination once more presents to you, at Studio 51’s Sound Stage in the Panamint Studios, the Mustardpiece Theater production of The Four Muskrateers…
CHARACTER PROGRAM (In order of Forced Appearance)
ACTUAL
D’Artagnan
Lord Rochefort
Milady de Winter
Porthos
Aramis
Athos
M. de Tréville
Captain Jassac
Guard (Cahusac)
Guard (Bicarat)
Guard One
Guard Two
King Louis XIII
Planchet
M. Bonacieux
Constance Bonacieux
Cardinal Richelieu
Duke of Buckingham
Anne of Austria
Felton
|
PARODY
D’Afghan
Lard Roquefort
Milady de Whiner
Porthose
Errormass
Halfhose
M. de Treeville
Captain Jackass
Guard (Catinsack)
Guard (Bigratty)
Guard One
Guard Two
Kink Loogie XIII
Plantchump
M. Barmyclue
Cornstarch Barmyclue
His Grace Wishyloo
“The Duke”
Queen Annie
Smellton
|
JELLICLE
Pouncival
Munkustrap
Bombalurina
Silvermane
Quaxo
Shadowdancer
Old Deuteronomy
Plato (Quaxo’s son)
Tumblebrutus
Coricopat
Archangel
Starcatcher
Nightchaser
Presley
Skimbleshanks
Jemmina
Macavity (in restraint collar)
Tugger
Celestine
Sacramentor
|
|---|
Miscellaneous Characters chosen from among the Tribes…
Rumblepurr Film Production
A Jellicle Parody Enterprises, ltd. Entertainment
Directed by Rumblepurr and Altaica
Fencing Instructors: Altaica and Blaze
Film shot completely on location in whatever backyard we happened to be in at the time.
THE GREEN ROOM
As the cast runs for whatever soundproof room or shielded headphones, the Heavy Metal Punk Rap Hip Hop New Wave Band of Silvermane (lead Guitar), Domino (drums) and Phoenix (bass) present the title song to our production…
Muskrat, Muskrat, nighty-night
Doin' it down and doin' it right on the ruggy…
It's pretty ugly…
Muskrat Sleazie, Muskrat Spam
Do the Funky Chicken with a Disco Band
On their tummy, Spam looks so funny…
And they whirl and they twirl and fandango
Singin' and getting’ entangled…
Suddenly a push comes to shove
Looks like Muskrat Love…
Nibblin' on pizza, Shootin’ the breeze
Spam says to Sleazie, Honey, would you please, get a cold brew?
Sleazie says, yes, with some chips too.
Now, he's ticklin' her fanny, lickin’ her toes
Muzzle to muzzle now anything goes, getting fruity
Sleaze shakes her booty…
And they whirl and they twirl and fandango
Singin' and getting’ entangled…
Suddenly a push comes to shove
Looks like Muskrat Love…
Again… We tender our apologies to the Captain & Tennille for ruining what once was one of their past hits, and to Willis Alan Ramsey, who wrote the lyrics that we just destroyed…
“The Author must really hate that song,” Munkustrap said as he pulled out about a pound of raw cotton from his ears.
Demeter and Bombalurina came out of a padded broom closet that are found by the dozens in the Paramint Studio sound stages, and stood next to him and rubbed their temples.
“Oooo, Munk," Bomba complained. “Even in there, we could still hear it…”
Demeter had to physically pry her ears away from the back of her skull. “I think even my migraine has a headache.”
At that moment, Jellylorum came in, still dressed in her Mother Superior habit, carrying a tray with shotglasses on it. “Here. Everyone needs to drink one of these…”
The triad of Munkus, Deme and Bomba took one each and downed them. Deme gasped for breath while Bomba’s eyes widened perceptually. Munkus had to loosen his collar.
“What the heck was that!?”
“Jose Cuervo Gold 150 with a twist of lime,” the butter calico Queen chuckled. “May not be actual medicine, but it makes you forget what ails you for a while…”
Tugger came in wheezing a bit, and put his shotglass down on the tray. “That stuff also makes you forget how to breathe, too… HahooOOO!”
When Electra came in, she put down her glass, picked up another, dusted the arch of her dewclaw with some salt, lapped that with her tongue, bit into a convenient lime, and then downed the shot. All of which seemed to have no effect on the rust-colored Queen.
“How does she do that?” Victoria groused as she came in, her eyes watering.
“I’m the Stage Manager,” Electra replied. “After putting up with you guys, I can take just about anything…”
“Oh goodie!” Cettie said as she came in. “Water! I’m thirsty. Like, thanks, Aunt Jelly!”
Before anyone could move or say anything, the white Tabby downed the shotglass and started back toward costume. Presley came in about that time, saw what occurred and then counted on his fingers.
“Three. Two. One…”
~THUD~
“That’s not funny, Pres,” Fawn said, rubbing her forehead as she came in.
“Au Contraire, my dear Fawny-Lady. Like everything else, it took that long to affect her is all… Have you ever told Cettie a joke?”
“No,” Fawn replied irritably as she pried one of Cettie’s eyes open.
“Just as well. I told her one the other day and it took her 24 hours before she laughed herself sick, and then, get this, she said, 'I don’t, like, for sure, get it’…”
Silvermane appeared… well, only his eyes did… “Is the coast clear?”
Presley looked up. “What’s going on, Bright Eyes?”
“Shut up, Loo Brush. Is Jemmi in yet?”
“I think she’s in the dressing room, trying to figure out how to keep everything inside that new bodice she’s almost wearing…” Fawn said.
The two floating eyeballs blinked and then the rest of Silvermane appeared. “Thank the Great Cat. After that escape from the Chateau de Clueless, I had to literally fight her off. She may only have two hands, but she almost rivals Mimi, and my girl was a prehensile tail…”
Pouncival came in, and no one noticed him. “Ahem! The STAR is here!”
Everyone looked at the door, then down at Pounce, and went back to whatever conversation they were having at the moment.
“One of these days, you guys are going to be afraid of me…” he said, stomping into the dressing room.
Demeter looked a bit blank for a second, and then nodded. “Oh, Great Cat, he’s right.”
Bomba shook her head. “That’s the tequila rattling your brain, Deme. What can happen? Charumcah takes him over? Whoooooooooooo!”
“Try Redtail…”
At that moment, Sacramentor came through the door. He put the shotglass down on the tray, and coughed politely. Bomba looked at him from toes to ears.
“You drank that and nothing happened?”
Pandemonium came in, dressed as one of Queen Annie’s maids. “Only if you count him standing like a statue for twenty seconds.”
“A different definition of 'stoned’, eh, Pande?” Fawn chuckled
“That is very amusing,” Mentor deadpanned. “What did Jelly’s concoction do to you?”
“Observe Fawny-Lady, my dear sir,” Presley smirked. “Her mane is curlier, right?”
“Correct…”
At that time, the door opened and the reinforced struts creaked ominously. Quaxo and Shadowdancer stood in the doorway, glaring at each other.
“Dancer? I told you to let me in first…”
“I thought you wanted me to go in first…”
Munkustrap shook his head. “You guys drank three of those, didn’t you?”
The two huge Toms continued the stare-down.
“Silvermane?” Munkustrap said, pointing at the door.
“I ought to shrink them, but I’ll bet Quaxo can still clean my clock.” Silvermane said, pointing at the door, and the entryway widened for a moment. Both Toms fell through and onto the floor.
Bombalurina tsked. “Jelly? You have anything for a pair of drop-dead gorgeous drunk Toms to wake them up before Leccy gets a wad in her panties?”
“Leccy herself will take care of that,” the Butter Calico said, picking up the tray with glasses. “It’s called an ice-cold stream of water from a fire hose. I suggest we adjourn to the sound stage where it will be relatively dry…”
PART FOUR
SCENE ONE: RENDEZVOUS AT THE LOCAL MOTEL
Purrcival once more sat in his moldy upholstered lounger with a thick book in his lap, dressed in a moth-eaten smoking jacket that used to have Ken’s moniker on the pocket, 'smoking’ a plastic bubble pipe, and periodically blowing a fairly large bubble. When the camera came on, Rumpleteazer put on the theme song to the Lawrence Welk show…
“Ready for you this time,” Purrcival said, saluting the camera lens with his pipe. “In the film at this moment, we see what appears to be a party. To be precise, it’s a 'necktie party’ -- one you really don’t want to be the center of attention. Why they’re having a party outing for an execution is beyond me, but then they didn’t have videotapes and CDs and DVDs back then. How about that for a reality show, eh? Meanwhile, back at the Inn, Quaxo and Silvermane are playing Yahtzee, and Quaxo just rolled a straight flush.”
“Quaxo? If I thought for a moment you had any magic, I’d say you were cheating…”
“May I remind you…”
“I already know… you don’t cheat even if you did have magic… partypooper…”
Dancer leans in. “Don’t look now, but old Gingerbutt just came in.”
“Find out what he’s doing, Dancer, I need to roll a full house here… Got it!”
Quaxo picked up a die lying next to his hand. “Since when do the dice in this game has all sixes on every side?”
Silvermane looks sheepish. “Uh… don’t they?”
Dancer meanwhile gets in next to where Macavity enters the room and finds Bomba waiting for him.
“Enchanting, my dear,” the Ginger Tom makes to kiss her hand.
“Please don’t do that again, or I’ll reposition that electro-collar you’re wearing somewhere else on your body,” Bomba said, wiping her hand off on his coat.
“You would, too… Here is what the script directs me to say to you. You are to go to London and persuade the Duke of Bucketwing to stop aiding the rebels in La Rochelle…”
“The Roachmotel? And if he doesn’t?”
“Then you are to see he has a very nasty 'accident’ -- you do 'do’ accidents, do you not?”
“You do Tugger’s song lyrics again, and I’ll see that YOU have an accident.”
“Oh, Bomba… You still can excite me, you know that?”
“You always did enjoy the bondage sessions, didn’t you…? Okay, I go to London, make Buckie stop helping the Roaches out, or see that he steps in front of a car, right?”
“Paraphrased slightly, but correct…”
“What do I get? I need money to arrange some jobs of my own…”
“I do not have the funds to pay you…”
“And yet you wear a Rolex watch, wear Gucci shoes and silk suits, and are driven around in a Rolls-Royce… Why am I skeptical, Maccie…?”
“Okay, this is all you will receive…”
“A 'Get Out of Jail Free card.’ Oh, Maccie, you still know how to thrill the ladies…”
“Now I bid you Adieu… Thank the Eternals I can leave the stage this time with my dignity intact…”
There is the sound of a body hitting the floor ~THUD~…
“You can leave the stage, but not backstage,” Bomba chuckled as she stuck the card inside her bodice.
“Very droll…” Macavity groaned from offstage.
“Bye, bye, Maccie…” she said as she went for the door. Dancer opens it and stands in her way, grinning.
“Hi, Bomba… uh, Milady…”
“Dancer… Normally, I’d just do what Sunny does to you, and I’d be outta here, but I think I’m supposed to be scared of you in the script.”
“You got that right, and I’d be afraid of Sunny if you tried it… Look, I heard everything. Since I don’t care for Tugger, er, Bucketham or whatever his name is…”
“Try DUKE,” Tugger said from offstage.
“Whatever… I do have a problem with you trying to off Pouncie and Jemmi…”
“What do they have on you, Dancer?”
“A film of that one KinkyKitties chapter where we swapped partners…”
“Oooo. Munk, Deme and I got a copy of that. We watch it when we really wanna get in the mood. Domi did a real number on you…”
Electra cut in. “Get back on the SCRIPT!”
“I think wardrobe starched her panties again,” Bomba said, glaring at the Stage manager. “I have a problem with Pouncie getting that free feel in, and I wanna solve the Cup War once and for all…”
“You can kick Pounce’s butt later, and the Toms like the war games you two play. Gimme whatever Maccie gave you… You don’t, and I’ll go in after it.”
“I oughta let you try,” Bomba said with a feral look. “But here… If I let you try, the rating would go up to an 'R’ at the very least…” She pulls a red card out from her cleavage.
“Oooo… nice… the Chance Get Outta Jail Card…. I like that one better than the Community Chest. Our esteemed Cleric is color-coordinated in his choice of stuff… Oh, have fun, Bomba. Gotta go…”
He exits, and Bomba gets to sneer at the camera…
SCENE TWO: BREAKFAST A LA RATRAP
Purrcival is holding the bridge of his nose and looks like he is about to head-desk when Teazer flicks on the camera. “If I had been doing the scene, I would’ve gone for the card… and we have to be on the air…” He looks up. “Yep… Why does that not surprise me…? Okay, we now journey to La Rochelle, that charming community on the Atlantic where guys with swords and cheap PotC muskets are trying to storm a fortified hilltop city… Each side has cannons, too. Lovely. Just what I would want to do. Charge uphill while they shoot at me with muskets and cannonballs… right…”
“Get on with it, Purrci,” Electra threatened, “or I get out the fire hose…”
“She would, too… As Halfhose rides in, Errormass is washing his boots. As he comes in, he touches Quaxo instead of giving him the brain-duster written in the script (suspiciously in Presley’s handwriting…). The two of them collect Porthose, and then D’Artie.
“I got something to tell you guys, but the Cardinal’s got ears all over the place…” Dancer says, pointing at all the fake ears lying all around the set.
“That has got to be the worst visual pun the Writer has come up with yet,” Pounce said.
“Do not encourage Him,” Quaxo said with a sigh. “He has a tendency to take such statements as a challenge.”
“Good one, Quaxo,” Silvermane nodded.
Dancer shakes his head. “So the Writer has this idea. We go up there where the paintball field has a fortified position, and eat breakfast up there so no one can hear what I got to say…”
“Oh marvy…” Silvermane said. “Tell the Loo-brush to bring up a buffet table with him.”
“And some good Irn Bru this time,” Quaxo added.
“And while you’re at it, tell the commissary to not add so much mustard to the potato salad. That last batch was ghastly…” Dancer said.
By the time Pounce had Presley loaded up, the guy looked like he had a field pack usually worn by the US Marines -- an entire regiment of them…
“And the first thing we do is run through a field of thistles…” Pres complains.
“Just be glad this isn’t Braveheart,” Pounce winced, “and we’re the Scots…”
Purrcival provided an aside: “That means wearing kilts and nothing else… The mere thought of that makes me hurt and itch…”
Silvermane arrived at the paintball field a tad winded. “Why are these sets where you attack someone always up on a hill?”
“Ask someone… who can… still breathe…” Dancer wheezed.
“That would be Quaxie, right?”
“You got it…”
“You are all wimps,” the huge Tom said. “A 20K run every morning followed by an hour of weights and close order drill…”
“Weights?” Dancer shook his head. “You simply lift that damn caddie you fished outta one of the piles and bench press it a few times…”
“Okay, we’re here,” Pounce panted along with Presley. “Now what?”
A volley of paintballs splatter all around them.
“Oh, THAT’s all we need…” Pounce groaned.
“Well, we are someplace where we can talk without our agents,” Presley said, handing out Egg sandwiches. “Here’s your Irn Bru…”
“Where’s the bottle opener?”
“Here,” Silvermane said, grabbing the bottle and holding it up. A paintball hit the top and splattered all over his arm and hand. “Hmmmm… That doesn’t work too well…”
“Use a bottle opener, doofus,” Dancer said, handing him said implement.
“Spoils the line, 'This drink does not travel well’,” Silvermane groused.
“Use it for the quiche then,” Presley said, looking into the bag.
“Okay, Pouncie… uh, D’Artie. Bomba, uh, Milady (*splat*) has a written warrant (*splat*) to take out you (*splat*) and the little stacked chick (*splat*)…”
“That’s Cornstarch (*splat*),” Pounce replied. (*BLOOSH!*) “What the heck is that!?”
“Water balloon,” Quaxo said. “It would be a grenade in the film, but paintball does not have that type of missile.” (*BLOOSH!*) Quaxo picks up a straw and a sunflower seed.
“What are you gonna do with that?”
“Pre-emptive… (*puff*)”
From off-stage… (*BLOOSH!*) “Gah!”
Pounce shook his head. “Poor Eric…”
“How do we end this scene?” Dancer asked. “In the film, they attacked this position and our characters push the top of the set on them… We don’t have a top part of the set…”
“No…” Silvermane said, looking up at the ceiling. He aimed his finger, and shot off four bolts of energy. A second later, the curtains over the “enemy” trenches dropped down, covering the entire offstage section. “But we do have that…”
Quaxo shook his head. “The Author has a weird sense of humor…”
Dancer nodded. “And Silv has an even weirder one…”
SCENE THREE: OOOPS!? (or Pardon my Gun)
“I can just see old Alex thinking of that one,” Purrcival said. “Instead of using guns, let’s have the Musketeers use magic instead… He’d fall on his pen for sure… And seeing Teazer caught me again, I might follow suit. However, I will plod on… Even though she doesn’t have her warrant, Milady travels to England, and meets with Bucketwing…”
The stage has the coach with Bomba in it, but no Tugger…
“Tugger! You’re on!”
The sound of clanking can be heard. When Tugger comes out, everyone is unsure it is Tugger. Bomba rubs her forehead and a full suit of field plate armor finally clanks to a stop.
“Hey, Tugger? Open up the top lid on the trashcan…”
With a lot of difficulty, Tugger manages to get the visor up. “Yeah, babe?”
“What’s with chrome plating?”
“Is this the scene where you kill me?”
“No, but I just might just for the sheer pleasure of doing so…”
“What are you doing here then, if not to do something to me?”
“First, I have to ask you not to help the rebels in La Roachmotel.”
“According to the script, I tell you to take a hike…”
“That better mean that you politely tell me that you will help them anyway.”
Tugger swallows. “Uh, yeah…”
“Good, uh, I’d tell you to run along then, but I doubt you can do that in the tin suit. Are you sure the Writer isn’t planning to do 'WICKED!’?”
“Bomba? Put a sock in it before You-Know-Who gets ideas…”
Tugger clanks offstage while Bomba gets out of her coach. She pulls her skirt up, exposing a lot of lovely reddish leg, which causes groans and heart palpitations in Toms throughout the cast and crew. She grins as she withdraws a derringer from a holster attached to her thigh garter.
“Thanks, guys. That always makes a girl feel good…”
“BOOGA-BOOGA!”
Bomba closes her eyes. “Please tell me that isn’t Poseidon as one of the Indians…” She turns around and sees Poseidon, Fagan, Erik and Jizzabub dressed in leather and feathers. “You guys look like you were pillow fighting with down feather pillows…”
“How’d you know that?” Poseidon asked, clearly surprised.
“Lucky guess…”
“Come with us. Tugger is waiting in the house set,” Erik said.
Tugger was there sans the armored suit, looking at the derringer. “You actually had this on your thigh?”
She grinned. “Yes, Tugger… on the inside of my right thigh… midway between my knee and my…”
“BOMBA!”
She turned and gave a knowing grin… “…hip…”
“You really are good, Bomba,” Tugger said, fondling the gun.
“And when I’m bad…”
“NEVERMIND!”
“Leccy needs the same meds Rumble’s taking… Okay, you caught me…”
“Although I would like to personally jail you because I know what you like…”
“Watch it, Tugger. I also know where to kick, punch and knee you…”
“That’s why I’m giving you to Mentor… er, Smelltom…”
Both of them crossed their eyes, and then turned to look behind Tugger. Mentor stood there, holding the bridge of his nose.
“Bast, Mentor!” Bomba gasped. “What type of cologne did you wallow in?”
“It is called 'Eau de Cesspool.’ Another one of the Author’s quaint name guffaws…”
Bomba grabbed Tugger. “And you’re giving me to him!?”
“Uh, that’s what the script says…”
“Gimme the gun!”
“Bomba…”
“I’m shooting myself! Now gimme the gun…”
Mentor managed to drag Bomba off when she succumbed to the cologne. She woke up in the janitor’s room where the disinfectant solution clears her sinuses.
“Is there something I can get you?” Mentor asked somberly.
“A gas mask comes to mind…”
SCENE FOUR: OY VEY IZ MIR…
Purrcival actually has committed a head-desk and the camera comes on with his forehead plastered into the cleavage of the tome used by Mustardpiece Theatre as the main prop. He groans as Teazer brings the camera in for a close-up…
“Wat’s wrong noaw, Poicey?”
“While we were doing that last scene, I read ahead… The Keystone Cops were better coordinated that these guys…”
“Da who?”
“Look it up in Wikipedia… Well, might as well get this started… We start with D’Artie telling Queen Annie about the plot…”
Pounce is kneeling before Celestine, licking her toes. “…and Milady (*slurp*) is going to kill Bucketwing (*lick*)…”
“Horrible… you missed my left instep… You must go to England at once and make sure it gets done…”
“What, to kill Bucketwing?”
Celest covers her nose. “Silly… I meant you should make sure Bucketwing is told about this nefarious plot…”
Pounce held up a hand. “I got it from the last time that word was used, thank you. I can’t go because I am with the other guys, but I can send my stand-in.”
Instantly, Presley looks around. “I have this funny feeling that means me…”
Celest quickly writes a letter. “Dear Ducky …stop… Milady planning to kill you …stop… Watch out …stop… signed, Queen Annie. Normally, I’d tie it to a brick and heave it through his trailer window, but this is according to the script. Have fun, Plantchump…”
“Oh, just literally tons… your Majesty…” Presley said as he took the note from Pounce.
“Of course, I do have good news,” Pounce said. “I found Cornstarch. She’s safe at the Camelrot Convent.”
Cassandra gloats silently after gagging, and then writes that down…
As Presley forks his horse (Pres Rides!), another set lights up showing Tugger as he reviews the troops… Which means the same five guys posing as British soldiers keep rotating so that it looks like there is an entire army.
Tugger shakes his head. “Rumpus… If this is what the British Army looked like then, I’m surprised we aren’t all speaking French…”
Skimbleshanks, posing as his General, shakes his head too. “Uh, Sire. Ye’re talking aboot the French…”
“And your point?”
“They have trouble just getting directions on where England actually is, even though they can see it from Calais…”
“Oh…”
Another set lights up -- the dungeon closet that is now housing Bomba. She is reading a book on “Fifty Ways to Kill a Tugger”… Mentor comes in and stands just behind and to one side of her. He appears to look down at what she is reading.
Bomba pinches her nostrils. “Are you looking at Technique Number 42, or down the front of my dress at my cleavage?”
“The film strongly suggests the latter, Ma’am.”
“I knew Wardrobe gave me these low-cut jobs for a reason.”
“TWO very good reasons, Ma’am…”
The set lights go back to a panorama of a field of sunflowers. In the center of the field, there is a row being created accompanied by variations of the voiced painful comment known as “ouch!” Although the camera cannot see him, Presley is still riding toward England…
The next set of lights come up on Bomba’s prison cell again. Mentor is standing behind her, now dripping wet and shivering. She grins.
“The cold shower doesn’t help, does it, Mentor?”
“Even that and Pande’s ministrations does not seem to be adequate, Ma’am…”
“Oooo… Now I know why big words are Alta’s turn-on… I’m going have Munk take some lessons…”
The scene shifts to a rocking boat deck where Presley is hanging onto the railing. Periodically, he heaves over the side…
Back to Bomba’s Cell, Mentor is shown coming into the cell.
“Ma’am, you appear to be having trouble sleeping…”
“Mentor? You try and sleep with fifteen Klieg lights shining in your eyes, three camera crews moving around, and Cettie in the loft constantly knocking things down on you.”
“Is this where you seduce me through perfidy?”
“No, I usually pull a guy down and just do it…” She grins as he adjusts his collar. “Sorry, Mentor, but I can see Munk offstage, and I’m turned on…”
“You’re constantly turned on,” Electra groused.
“Hot flashes again, Leccy?”
“Just get on with it.”
Bomba gets into the 'bed’ that is actually a dog basket with a large pad and blankets. “Get under the covers with me, Mentor.”
“Uh…”
“Under the covers, no one can tell what we’re doing. If you try getting a bit too frisky, it will also cover up the fact that I’m neutering you…”
As the blankets rustle around, Bomba tells Mentor that Tugger as Bucketwing, will sell the whole Potted-Plants down the river, and that he, Mentor (or Smelltom), can save everyone by whacking Bucketwing with a frozen tuna-fish…
Electra holds the bridge of her nose. “I think Alex has just changed his name…”
Next scene shift has Mentor opening the door to the broom closet, and Bomba coming out. Both of them require extensive costume repositioning, as well as Bomba fishing a squeaker toy from her bodice. She waves bye-bye, and exits off the side of the stage where Munkustrap waits. Mentor walks over to the set where Tugger is surrounded by extras. Presley, looking worse for wear from getting saddle sores from the hobbyhorse, bashed bodily by the sunflower stalks, and then retching off the boat set, staggers in from the other direction.
“Hey, Tug-face!” Presley shouts out. “Watch…”
Mentor, after being handed his weapon from Electra, walks up to Tugger from the back, and taps him on the shoulder.
“Hey, Mentor. How’re they hanging with Bomba?”
The next moment finds Tugger’s face completely obliterated by a coconut cream pie, and Mentor dusting off his hands.
“THAT was immensely satisfying…”
Wiping the excess whipped cream from his eyes, Tugger turned to Presley. “What were you going to tell me, Pres?”
“Uh… Watch out…?”
“Thanks loads… I guess this means I’m dead, right?”
“As Cassie’s tunafish casserole.”
“Don’t remind me… ~THUD~”
Over off-stage left, Bomba in her Milady de Whiner costume and Munkustrap in his Roquefort costume do a high-five, and then march off toward the dressing room.
SCENE FIVE: YOU TAKE THE HIGH ROAD & I’LL TAKE THE LOW ROAD…
Purrcival once more looks at the camera… and looks at the camera… and looks at the camera… and looks… Five minutes later, he peers around the lamp.
“Teazer?”
“Yer on… Rumpus-blasted, scum-sucking red lioght went owt on me, and Oi can’t get the bleedin’ tech crew ta get me a new one…”
“Why didn’t you signal me?”
“Oi 'ave been signallin’ ya!”
“Then you need to use the 'index’ finger to point at me then… uh… Hi there… Just received here is some breaking news… That is if you haven’t read the encyclopedia for the past four hundred some-odd years… La Rattrap, or La Rochelle, gives up after help from England fails to show up. Word is that the Duck of Bucketmop…
“I give up,” Tugger groans from off-stage. “Even dead, I don’t get any respect.”
“The Rodney Dangerfield of the Jellicle Tribe… The Dukey was assassinated…”
“He was creamed!” Bomba shouted from the wings.
“Whatever. The Kink of France wins a victory on the field, and the four doofuses… uh, is that Doofi?”
“Just go with it,” Electra said, waving him off.
“The Muskrateers ride off to the Camelrot Convent to save Cornstarch. They are clearly unaware that Milady de Whiner and Roquefort are also on the way to the Convent along with several of the Cardinal’s Guards. Can we say 'ambush’?”
Purrcival grins and then sticks his tongue out when the crew gags. “Stopping in at a convenient tavern called La Donalds -- the 1600s version of McDonalds and not the Trumped up version -- the Four Chumps, er, Champs start to change horses. As they do, the four horsepower buggy that Munkus and Bomba are in drives in. Seeing Pouncival doing a one-and-a-half gainer into the horse trough, Munkus orders the driver to peel… uh… iron, and the coach is off again. The Four Muskrateers have a little fun… Pounce grabs a hobbyhorse, not caring who it belongs to, and rides off in sidesaddle… Silvermane goes for one and is bumped aside by Quaxo, who then rides off after Pounce. The Silver Tabby then tries another and finds that the stick fell off of it… Dancer jumps off the balcony and forgets that hobbyhorses only have a stick and not a back to land on. He rides off a little bit gimpy… Silvermane finally gets his act together and rides out last… They get to the Convent a bit late and find at least 12 members of Heathrow’s finest (this is a parody, remember?) shooting at them with paintball guns. Since this is the same crew who was Munk’s firing squad, they cannot hit the proverbial side of a barn… Well, Eric did manage to hit the barn but he was inside at the time and the door blew shut…”
The Jellicle performers begin to enact what Purrcival reads…
“Fire at Will!” Munkus shouts out as he enters the set, and ducks into a building.
“Who’s this Will we are supposed to fire at?” Fagan asks.
“That’s an expression,” Tumblebrutus replied. “It means shoot at whoever is a target. AND SEIDON! DO NOT SHOOT US!”
“Darn…” the Heathrow airhead said. “And you guys were all lined up too…”
“There is a running battle outside the confines of the Convent,” Purrcival narrates. “With gunfights, cursing and swearing, muffing hits from nerfswords and the like, the Queens dressed as nuns… I just cannot see Nicole as a nun…”
The red-white Queen, whose habit is open at the neckline and showing a lot of nice leg, looks up. “What?”
“Never mind… The ones who are dressed as nuns are a bit upset…”
“Rumpus!” Jellylorum shouted. “Silvermane! That obscenity is obscene!”
Purrcival begins to sound like a play-by-play announcer. “Dancer (Halfhose) takes on Munkus (Roquefort) while Quaxo takes on ten, leaving two for Silvermane (Porthose). Pounce (D’Artie) practices shadow fencing while the battle crawls all over a wooden set housed in Studio 51. Munkus whacks Dancer on the arm and takes off while Quaxo dispatches one after another. Silvermane and Coricopat have another wizard duel, which I am sure Alex D could not possibly have thought up and Pounce is still practicing nobly how to cut and stab someone… right… Over to Demeter, who is in the Convent proper…”
Demeter, carrying a microphone with the number 42 plastered on it, is now in front of a camera. The on screen graphics has her listed as “CHANNEL 42, Demeter, broadcasting live from the Camelrot Convent…” She appears to be ill… at ease that is…
“Thank you, Purrcival… I think… We are in the Novice Wing of the Convent where we have discovered a Miss Cornstarch…”
“Actually, it’s Missus…” Jemima stated into the microphone. “I’m supposedly married to some old dude who I thought had money…”
“Uh, right… and you have an affair with one of the Muskrateers on the side…”
“Well, no, Deme… We have it in just about any position a Jellicle can get into, and Pounce and I have this two volume set on the Jellicle Kama Sutra that you can get for 29 coin-thingies on fBay… that’s France’s eBay of the 1600s…”
Demeter rubs the bridge of her nose. “That’s more than I really wanted to know… And what are you doing here?”
“I’m waiting for Pounce, er, D’Afghan to come up here and work on volume 3…”
“There you are, you little furball…” a voice rang out. Bomba comes onstage dressed in a nun’s habit. Like Nicole, her habit is a bit more revealing than it really should be. “Uh, I mean, …There you are, you sweet thing…”
Demeter stops her. “What order are you from, Bomba?”
“St. Trixie of the Perpetual Motion… You should see our formal wear… Excuse me, Deme, I gotta get shortcake here presentable for her Romeo. Come HERE, you petite excuse of a Queen! This will only hurt a little!!!”
Jemmi darts into a room with Bomba in hot pursuit. As Demeter attempts to inform the listeners (Uh, that means you…) what is taking place, the sound of one royal donnybrook overwhelms her microphone. There is the shattering of glass, the breaking of wooden furniture, ripping cloth, screechs and screams, metal striking stone, automatic gunfire, grenades going off… Demeter holds up a hand, and then goes to door.
“That’s ENOUGH! Cool it, or I start throwing bagels!”
The room goes absolutely silent.
Bomba’s voice is heard. “She would, too…”
Jemmi’s voice is heard next. “And accurately as well…”
“It appears to have been a disturbance here…” Demeter reports as Bomba comes out of the door. Half of her Nun’s habit is shredded (but still conforming to a tasteful PG13), and she has a black eye. Demeter rubs the bridge of her nose.
“Well, du’uh! I, uh, haveta go get changed… uh, Vespers, you know…”
Pounce comes in just as Bomba exits. “Hi, Deme. Where’s Jemmi?”
“Believe me, Pounce, you don’t want to know…”
Pounce opens the door, looks in and shuts the door, grimacing. “Eeewww…”
“And back to you, Purrcey,” Demeter finished, and then makes the end sign by shoving her finger down the back of her throat…
“Always a great report from you, Deme,” Purrcival says. “And now we take you to Faust who is interviewing one of the surviving Cardinal’s Guards. Take it away, Faust.”
The ex-Maccie prodigy bowed slightly to the camera. Gus is heavily bandaged, and is on crutches and hanging onto an IV stand. “Hello, viewers, er, readers, er, whatever. This is your… how many appearances have you made in this film?”
“I don’t rightly know anymore. Like on Starch Treat shows, you get a red uniform, and you know you’re gonna buy it somewhere during the show. In this one, we just buy it more than once. The only one who really gets ticked off is wardrobe. They have to wash the blood out and repair the nerfsword scuff marks…”
“I have to ask this. How is it that you outnumbered the Muskrateers Four-to-One and you still managed to lose?”
“Have you ever fought Quaxo? Even with a nerfsword, he can hurt you pretty badly. You think these bandages are fake?”
“Back to you, Purrcvial…”
“And this just in,” the narrator said as a bagel with a note attached to it bounced off Purrcival’s skull. “Next time, just hand it to me… Dancer, who plays Halfhose in this epic tale, has just discovered Bomba, as she tried to escape from the convent. More news on this, but Demeter seems to have discovered the fight to end all fights… Down to you, Deme!”
“Thanks, Purrcey, I’ll get you for this…” Demeter said into her microphone. “Being a tad ticked off at finding Jemmi duct-taped to a bedpost, Pounce, er, D’Afghan had sworn to take it out on Munk, er, Roquefort… They are battling it out as I speak…”
Munkustrap is shaking his head as Pounce slashes at just about everything around him but where the Silver Tabby in the maroon suit and hat.
“Pounce? To the right… the other right… the third right… Good hit on Camera three… That potted plant is as good as dead… How you got that pigeon, I’ll never know…”
Jellylorum in her Mother Superior outfit comes in. “WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING IN HERE! Hello, D’Artie…”
“Jelly, you are not playing Mother Wheezy in this one.”
“I know, but it’s such a campy part, and I only have this one line.”
“What line is that, Jelly?” Munkus asks.
“BOTH OF YOU STOP IT!”
“You want us to stop a swordfight?” Munkustrap says, looking at her incredulously.
Pounce makes a lucky stab with his nerfsword and puts it in the correct under-the-armpit position for a “kill”. Munkus looks even more incredulous.
“He actually got me…”
“Sorry about that, Munkus,” Jellylorum said.
“Don’t be. At least this is the last scene for me… ~THUD~”
Demeter is looking at the camera, but her eyes are closed. “Back to you, Purrcey. I’m going to look for the communal wine…”
“Save some for me… We now go to the local river bank…”
Electra calls out. “All the rivers in SoCAL are dry right now, Purrcy.”
“Okay, Poolside, then, where the four Mooseketeers…”
Electra shakes her head. “I don’t care anymore!”
“…Are about to play Judge Judy with Bomba.”
Bomba stands out front in her nun costume while Dancer, Quaxo, Silvermane and Pounce all shake their heads.
“How the rest of the nuns could mistake Bomba for one is beyond me,” Quaxo said.
“What?”
“The cleavage and the leg slit is a bit much for a nun,” Dancer said, grinning.
“And the red sequins on your rosary gave you away,” Silvermane chuckled.
“Okay, okay. Now what?” Bomba asked.
“Well, in the movie, we all pronounce sentence on you,” Quaxo said.
“And we all say, 'death’!” Dancer said, shaking his head.
“And we bring in Scatty as the executioner,” Silvermane added.
“But when she came in looking like Alta in her Scout gear, we elected not to shoot that scene,” Pounce finished. “We think she was going to take her part a little too seriously…”
Scatty comes on and the sound of Tom’s losing their jaws echo throughout the sound stage. Her outfit consists of a black mask similar to Halley Barry’s Catwoman one, a black lace teddy and garter belt, black silk elbow-length gloves and black calfskin knee-length boots with high heels
“Ruined one of my best lines, too,” she said, lifting Bomba’s chin with a bullwhip. “I’m supposed to have rowed her across the pool, aced her, and then came back, asking for more pay, and then saying. 'I’m an executioner, not a sailor'…”
Scatty posed in a few positions and then strutted off-stage. The sound of Toms finding their mandibles took the better part of a minute before Bomba took her hand off of her eyes.
“Ooookay, so how do I die?”
A bagel comes flying in, bounces off Bomba’s forehead, and the Scarlet Queen smiles as her eyes cross.
“Ooooo… look at all the pretty birdies and stars… ~THUD~”
Quaxo shakes his head. “That has got to have been the worst way to die I have ever witnessed in my time…”
Pounce pulls on the huge Tom’s elbow as the twelve losers of the fight scene surround them with paintball guns. “Uh… let’s see how we buy it…”
SCENE SIX: DEUS EX MACHINA… (or, I’ll Get You for This…)
Purrcival is properly attired, sitting in his chair with his bubble pipe at the right angle and holding the book properly when Teazer’s camera comes on.
“Yes, it is time to play out the final scene… and… what’s wrong, Teazer?”
“Domm camera just ran outta film…”
“Oh, BLEEP!”
Jellylorum comes on with a strip of duct tape and puts it across his mouth. “That’s for saying that on camera…”
Meanwhile, the lights and cameras come on in a study where Macavity is sitting at a desk. Pounce is brought in and dropped in a chair by Renier and Theron, and then the Toms leave. The Ginger Tom looks up and shakes his head.
“I very much detest this scene, but then, this entire literary travesty is not of my construction. Very well, just so we can end this scene, I shall continue. I have summoned you here because you have cost me severely, and I mean to make you render up restitution…”
“Rest-It-who?”
Macavity sighed. “Payment… Eternal Cat! How did you ever secure a leading role in these shows is totally beyond my ken… But I digress… I have stretched out my hand to you in friendship before, and now I do so to wring your worthless neck! ZZZZZIIIIIITTTTTTT!!!!!! Rumpus! I am really beginning to ENJOY THAT!”
“Sorry, your Grace, but I have the perfect alibi… Uh, I have this…”
He fishes the red GET OUT OF JAIL FREE card from his boot. And then, he hands it over. Macavity stares at it.
“You realize you can purloin this from any Monopoly Game that was ever made by Parker Brothers and now the Hasbro Toy Company, do you not?”
“Yes, but that one has your siggy on it.”
“Yes…” Macavity says as he rips the card into itty-bitty-bits and then eats them. “One should be careful of what one writes… and to whom one gives it to…”
“You realize you just said an actual line, right?”
“Go… Before I forget that I have on this infernal collar… Oh, I do have one thing that will be adequate punishment in spite of your pathetic escape. Here is an unsigned commission in the Kink’s Muskrateers… Gawds… that name is vile… Anyway, take it and go…”
Pounce grabs the piece of paper and is gone from Macavity’s set.
“Hey, Dancer!!! Lookie at what I got. Nanner, nanner, nanner… urK!”
Dancer holds Pounce up by the collar, and looks at the commission. “For Count Fairie it is too little. For Halfhose, it is too much. For me, it’s a demotion…”
Pounce is passed over to Quaxo.
“Hey, Quaxo!!! Lookie at what I got. Nanner, nanner, nanner… urK!”
Quaxo holds Pounce up by the collar, and looks at the commission. “You forget. As a cleric, I am to take my vows as a priest after this film is over…”
“What about Scatty? Aren’t priests supposed to be, uh, you know…?”
Scatty comes back on in her outfit, takes Quaxo by the arm, and looks down her nose at Pounce. “Priests can be married in the Anglican Church, Pouncie… Come on, Quaxie. I’ve heard you’ve been a baaaaaadddd boy…”
As Pounce stares, Scatty and Quaxie exit. “And I’m sin incarnate… okay, who’s left? Silv… Hey, Silv!!! Lookie at what I got. Nanner, nanner, nanner… urK!”
Silvermane holds Pounce up by the collar, and looks at the commission. “Pounce? I’m a semi-immortal High Whizzer, second only to Charry himself and the product of the Almighty Lava-Lamp-Eyed Mistress of the Universe. That commission is an insult. And because it is so, it’s all yours…”
And as Pounce grins, Dancer, Quaxo and Silvermane pick him up and toss him into the Studio 51 pool…
******
This has been a Rumblepurr Films Production
And a Jellicle Parody Enterprises, ltd. Entertainment
Directed and Produced by Rumblepurr
Assistant Director: Altaica
No Animal was harmed during the production of this film
Insulted, yes, by having be with Jellicles in this Parody
But not harmed…
And, no Jellicle was harmed during the production of this film
Dazed and with a high blood alcohol, but not harmed…
Battle sequences were choreographed by Altaica and Blaze
Of course, nobody paid any attention to the directions…
Costume authenticity was confirmed through
Rent-A-Showgirl-Costumes, Las Vegas, Nevada…
Paramint Studios absolutely denies ever giving permission to
The Jellicle School of Acting and Pest Extermination
for any part in the filming of this Parody.
Legal actions are pending
Which means none of the cast members can be located…
This is Channel 42, KATS, South Cucamonga, SoCAL
***** Finally… *****
***** THE ABSO-POSI-LUTELY END!!! *****
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