For Amanda… This story is for her…
No one ever said how lonely this would be…
Anyone who has a twin knows about the 'bond’ that exists between siblings who are born at approximately the same time. Identical twins feel this more intensely because they came from the same fertilized egg and are essentially the same person… But I know that is not true… By the sheer moment of 'birth’, there is that small amount of difference… A fraction of time that occurs between the birthing of the 'older’ twin and the 'younger’ twin… Fraternal twins do not have as strong of a bond, but it is still there… same parents, same birthing time, but different fertilized eggs. We are different people, but we seem to still have that symbiotic tie that we cannot shake…
She is now gone… but I still feel her…
Michelle and Michael… sister and brother -- with her being born mere minutes before me. We grew up with her always telling me that she was my 'big’ sister, and that I should always defer to her since she was 'older.’ Sometimes, we were not too nice about that small difference, but we could never stay mad at each other… That bond we shared never allowed us to remain angry or hurt with each other. The bond would make us feel what the other was feeling, and that would always break down the barriers. At times, it was very embarrassing as well… When we began to mature, we felt… well… let me just say that there were nights I did not know what was going on and leave it at that. Even now, I… well… maybe it is better left unsaid…
I really do not understand why I did not feel the danger or sense that something was wrong. Perhaps, as mother tried to explain, Michelle did not understand what was happening either. Because she did not know, she could not feel anything out of place, and so I could not pick up on it… All I remember of that strange series of days was unease followed by an increasing panic.
My 'big’ sister was going to the university in another city while I elected to stay at a community college near home. That is why we were separated by distance at the time. Sis wanted to become a teacher -- an elementary school teacher so she could work with children. When I remembered our high school days, she had plenty of offers to 'baby-sit’ the neighbor’s kids. From what I overheard, she impressed most of her 'clients.’ Michelle was very good with younger children.
Me? I was a different story -- maybe that was a demonstration that we were two separate people who just happened to share the same birthday. I liked playing around and becoming whoever interested me at the time. I was my favorite comic book hero, or a cartoon character, or even the star of a movie. Michelle tolerated me during those times before high school, and then told me to try out for theatre… At first, I thought it was just a way to get rid of me…
Something strange happened to me when I received a part, and I was given a script that contained my lines and my character. Here, I was provided with the clues of who I was to become, and the director -- namely the teacher -- left most of our character to our imagination. A few of the others were told to change a few things, but I seemed to be what she wanted or at least she could work with… The more shows we did, the easier it became to shift into the personalities of the characters. All of the characters I had Mother make up for me through the years of costume parties and Halloween paid off… Before too long, I started getting leads, or some very interesting parts that required some very careful consideration.
I suppose I was the one who caused the dream I had… I guess Michelle could not leave without telling me something, or maybe it was her way of confiding in me. Blame me for the fascination of a single show… CATS… Any video that had to do with musicals, I started grabbing them after my first taste in high school. We did 'Oliver’ and I got the Artful Dodger. Yes… I got to sing “Consider Yourself” with Ron, who was the star, but I did not mind being one of the secondary characters, so to speak. The more I saw of the older videos, the more I wished I could get into them. “West Side Story” had a lot of dance work in it, so I knew that was another thing I had to work on. Michelle did not seem to mind going with me, and even acting as my dance partner. And then that one musical appeared on the shelf…
Up until then, the tour show had not appeared in our vicinity. I had heard of the show from my teacher, who said if we ever got the chance, we should go see it. If not, the video would give us an idea of what it would be like… I went through the DVD twice that first night. For a while, I just could not choose any one character I liked more than the others. Each one had a fascinating side to their personalities… You know… It was Michelle who pointed me toward Misto… Mister Mistoffelees, the Conjuring Cat… When I asked my teacher about the show, she told me that in the main productions, the performers are provided with the barest minimum of character traits. In fact, she heard that Trevor Nunn, the director of the show, provided each performer with three character traits… and that was it! The rest of the development was left to the performer!
Talk about a 'gimme’! I wanted to try out so badly… That is when my teacher came in and said I needed lots of dance training for such a role. In fact, I needed much more than I already had, and ballet was part of it. I really did not care. One day, I would be Mister Mistoffelees, and there was no stopping me. Even Big Sis got in on the act. For my seventeen birthday, or really I should say “our’ birthday, she sat down a box in front of me. The box was black and it had a black silk bow tie as part of the ribbon. I remembered in the video that he caught a cup and pulled a rainbow ribbon out of it. Sis had gotten rainbow tissue from somewhere, and that covered up one of those hand-sized beanie-babies.
“It’s not really him,” she had said. “But it’s close…”
I did care at the time. The little black and white cat was Misto to me, no matter what the tag said his name was. I placed him on my computer’s monitor so he could look at me whenever I got online…
When the next Halloween came around, I had to go the route of becoming Misto. Who cared that I was too old to be in costume. Sis was dressed as Glinda from the Wizard of Oz and had agreed to shepherd some of the young kids of the neighbor she babysat for, so I just went along with them. I even was noticed by some of the kids on the block…
Yeah… I was the Conjuring Cat… at least for the night…
Christmas came and Sis had raided the onsite store to get me a CATS shirt and hat. Even mom and dad fed my 'habit’ -- a brochure and tickets to the show when if came in January. They were not the best seats in the house, but they were still close and on one of the aisles. I remembered dragging Michelle with me, and making her sit on the aisle seat. I really wanted the guy playing Tugger to come down and dance with her, but we were too far back for that. We had Sillabub stop by though. I still liked the name for her on the video. Apparently the London cast named her Jemima, but she still looked the same.
Just before she went back to the dorms and the University, we laughingly found a fan site and took a CATS personality contest. Naturally, I came in as Misto because I answered it with a lot of fantasy images of casting magic. Michelle answered it in a way that pointed toward Jemima… Looking back, I should have know she would go that route…
I told you she was good with kids. I guess she had to be -- growing up with me beside her all the time. She told me I really should be Peter Pan because I refused to grow up. Of course, when she said that, I pouted and said that was not right… Jemmi… I liked the actress who played her in the video and I found out later that she had been chosen for that wide-eyed kittenish look. Some people even claimed she had those eyes so she could see the clearest… Small wonder then that she was chosen to talk about the moonlight, and to answer Grizabella… Yeah… that was my sister all right… Me as Misto and her as Jemmi…
That night before we got the phone call, all I remember is feeling uneasy. I could not sit and play games or type on the computer. It did not hit me until the phone rang that I had felt this way a few times before. Before Sis went to the University for the first semester, I was unable to sleep that night. Of course, she was feeling nervous about leaving home for the first time, and that came over the bond at me… The first few nights with her away, I could still feel it, but not as strong. I did not really notice when it faded away… But that night, just before the call came, I felt it come on hot and heavy… I had been feeling a little warm all during the week, so I had turned down the comforter, but never that bad. Hot… yeah… that was the feeling that started it.
We were just going to bed. I had pulled on my pajamas and got into bed, and turned off the lights. A bit of moonlight came through my window and naturally spotlighted Misto on my computer. That sight made me a little happier, so I did manage to nod off to sleep… It seemed like it was only a couple of minutes later that I woke up smothering and tangled up in the covers. And that is when the phone rang…
Dad or mom must have gotten it on the third ring because the house went silent… I remember the room was not quite right and I felt dizzy. The air felt oppressive and I wondered if something was wrong with me. I managed to get up and start for the door…
And then I woke up on the floor with my mom bending over me. She looked worried and asked what had happened. I remember opening my eyes… and I felt fine… but just a little… well, lost…
I never recalled passing out before and the experience was slightly frightening. Dad was half dressed when he came in to find out what was wrong, but whatever it had been was gone. I felt fine. Mom told me that my pajamas were soaked and I needed to shower. When I asked what was wrong, and why they were getting dressed at one o’clock in the morning, that is when I got the news… Michelle had been taken to the hospital…
The hospital near the university was like most larger town hospitals I had seen in the movies. A large set of buildings and a steady stream of people going in and out of doors, and up and down hallways. I did not remember much of the drive down because I was still sleepy, and I dozed a lot in the back seat. When I woke up, I had found my hand stretched out to the seat next to me… the seat that Michelle usually rode in…
We found the Acute Care Ward after a few stops and were met by one of the care nurses there. Michelle had been brought in by ambulance just before midnight with trouble breathing and bloody sputum. Her roommate said that she had been feeling 'off’ for about a week -- not eating well, always tired and cold, and coughing… The cough got worse, and that is when she coughed up blood. Needles to say, her roommate called 911 and they brought her in. The phone call to us came shortly after that. The emergency room triage nurse had her taken to the Acute Care Ward as soon the paramedics relayed the symptoms. Apparently, a lot of people were going through the same trouble… The emergency room had been full when we came in and asked about Michelle.
As we waited for the doctor to treat her, I just sat there. The whole thing was unreal. For nearly twenty years, I always knew my sister was around because I could feel her… and now…
It was like the bond had gone to sleep…
When the doctor came out, she did not look happy at all. I caught the diagnosis of acute viral pneumonia and that it did not look good at all. We were told that there was a chance she could pull through, but the odds were not in her favor…
I did not hear too much after that. Those words seemed to freeze me up inside. Somehow, I wound up on one of the couches blinking away tears. I just could not understand how she could be that sick! And then it struck me… All during the week, I had been feeling like a cold was coming on, but I never really felt sick… It had been Michelle…
After a few hours, we were told the news… The pneumonia was too widespread to combat, and it had weakened her badly. When asked, dad had explained that were Catholic, and so the doctor had contacted a priest. Up until this point, I was able to deny that this was happening. She would get better, I kept saying to myself, and I ignored that quiet spot that always seemed so warm and alive… But the sight of the middle-aged bespectacled man in a black business suit and the white collar carrying a small bag did it… I felt the bond and the link was very weak indeed…
When the door opened, I was not truly prepared for what I would see. Seeing someone in Acute Care is not like opening the door to their bedroom and seeing them asleep. Michelle was lying in bed, yes, but she had tubes and wires everywhere. Apparently, her breathing had become so labored that they had fitted her with a ventilator, and that tube came out of the corner of her mouth. Two IV’s were strung up on a pole, and the lines from them went down to her hand where it entered her vein through a shunt. Wires came out from under her hospital gown and ran up to the monitors above her bed. There was a steady hiss as the ventilator fed air and oxygen to her lungs, and a beep that told us her heart still beat.
I saw Michelle, but at the same time I refused to think she was actually in this bed…
The priest was allowed to place a mask on, and was given the space needed to be next to my sister. He extracted a small vial from his bag and placed that on the bedside table. Taking out his stole, he kissed it and put it on. I had never seen the Sacrament of the Sick before, so I watched with a somewhat detached interest. This was like watching a movie and seeing someone else… but then… I felt the tug on the bond…
As the priest touched his finger to the vial of oil, and then made a small cross on Michelle’s forehead, I saw her eyes open…
"Through this holy anointing, may the Lord in his love and mercy help you with the grace of the Holy Spirit."
I am not sure if anyone else noticed it or not… When I blinked, her eyes were closed again. Had I been seeing things that were not there?
The priest’s finger moved to the hand that was not occupied with the shunt, and made the cross. As before, her eyes opened…
"May the Lord who frees you from sin save you and raise you up."
Once more, I saw it, and then her eyes closed… Her face seemed to compose itself, and then she looked as if she were sleeping… All during this time, dad had been holding mom… and his free hand clutched my shoulder. We were all crying, but I stopped when I saw that look of peace… That feeling flowed through our bond… and I knew…
She was saying good-bye…
I was there when the slow beeping turned into a steady tone…
At least… I heard it even when I was in the waiting room…
The bond that kept me in touch with her parted from me like a broken spider web…
My sister, Michelle… was gone…
>^~^<
Since it was early in the morning, dad took us back home. The drive back in the false dawn of a new day was quiet. Not even the radio was allowed… When I looked out the window of the car, I noticed that only a few wispy clouds would mar an otherwise clear sky. When the sun rose, it would be a clear and chilly day…
“It should be raining,” I said.
I saw dad look up in the rearview mirror. He stared at me for a brief while, and his eyes seemed to tell me that he understood…
The week following Michelle’s passing was chaotic… Relatives came from all around the country, it seemed -- all wanting to help or console mom or dad. At the service, most of the attendees were family, but several of Michelle’s friends and co-workers came as well. The funeral was patterned after a Wake really. Mother did not want Michelle remembered in darkness. Everything that Michelle had done was brought out and used to mark her life and how she blessed it. Even her hopes were brought out… The service at the cemetery was as close to the bleakness I was feeling. As we pulled into the cemetery, a light snow had begun to fall. Because of chill and the snow, the trees that stood about showed stark black and solemn trunks and branches. I listened without truly hearing the service. A wooden box… Part of my life lay within that box… And when it came time, I barely could drop the rose into the grave…
That night… it seemed to take forever to fall asleep… Tomorrow would have been our birthday… And now, that day would only be mine… The Misto beanie toy on my monitor seemed to sympathize with me. I tossed and turned and sleep eluded me… and then, when I had almost given up hope, the mists of the night crept over me, and my eyes finally closed…
>^~^<
I knew these woods… They lay just outside the Garden paths, and I just did not feel like being on walkways and looking on manicured bushes and trees. I wanted to be alone and settle my thoughts, and I knew a place next to the stream. A large oak tree loomed over a small outcrop of rock that the stream babbled around, spilling down a waterfall into a small pool. I hiked through the conifers, breathing in the scents of the forest, and was cheered by just the feeling of being alive. I had to climb a small slope to get to this special place, but that did not seem trouble me too much. Cresting the ridge, I found the old tree waiting for me -- reminding me slightly of Old Deuteronomy with his open arms…
Climbing the rocks, I looked down and saw my face peering back at me from the pool… I should have been startled, but I was not… I half-expected to see the kittenish white face with the expressive dark eyebrows and framed by an upswept mane and conical ears. I saw it smile at me, so I knew that I had smiled as well.
I loved this place… After finding the Temple, and then the Gardens, finding the tree was merely an exercise of following the stream. Here, the forest and the old oak tree hid him from sight. He could easily climb the tree with his strong claws, and he did several times. The old oak had many paths up into the heights of its branches, and I had explored each path. But, I had two favored places -- a branch fork about two-thirds of the way up in the tree, and chair-like arrangement of rocks that gave me a view of the waterfall. Today, I chose the tree, and settled into the junction like the saddle of a horse.
The breezes of the mountains would never truly pierce the canopy of oak leaves around me, and yet the air was never musty. The heady smell of the oak filled my nostrils as I stretched my legs up the one branch and leaned back with my hands behind my head against the other branch. The old tree seemed to regard me with a trace of its patient amusement.
Cupping my hand, I thought of the green grass and strong stone, and a green globe appeared just above my palm. Motioning it aside, I thought about the cold trickling stream below me, and the lakes and ponds nearby, and a blue globe formed. I laughed as the two bobbled and wheeled around each other like birds in play. And then, as the globes swirled around a branch just above me, I saw…
Her…
In the one spot of warm sunlight, the globes had told me that this was not a thick shape of leaves. A small form was above me and I had not heard her climb the tree or leap to it.
“Shel?”
She was perched on the branch, secured by hand and foot claws. Dainty, with thick black fur with a bright white face and shining eyes… and the rays of scarlet in her mane…
“Silla, Misto. You should know that by now,” she answered me.
She moved so that I would not be looking into the sun’s brightness in the canopy. Soon, the elfin Yeahlika Queen settled in on a second branch and chuckled at my confusion. The detail was astonishing! I could see the facial fur colors streak off her face and merge into her mane below the jaw and the sides of the face. And the small whiskers… the natural eye shadow of scarlet… the wide clear brown eyes that seemed to drink in everything around her…
“I understand,” she nodded as I gazed at her. “Deme said you would be here and that you needed to see me.”
“Deme?”
“Of course, Misto… Who else would know about these things? She said not to be afraid, and that your bond will always be there even if I’m not…”
“You’re Michelle, aren’t you?”
She smiled shyly. “You were supposed to figure that out, and you did… See? The bond told you it was me…”
“Then… this is not what I expect it is?”
“No, silly…” Jemima chided me cheerfully. “You’re dreaming and I was allowed in. This was the way I wanted you to see me, and I’m glad you chose who you wanted me to see. I loved Misto, remember?”
“Yes… That time we went to the show and we liked it so much that we convinced dad to get us tickets for the second show… They weren’t as good, but it didn’t matter… You even got his autograph…”
“And this,” she said, indicating herself. “This is who that quiz said I was… Michael? It’s all true… heaven has so many levels and so many wonderful places to choose. I chose this one because I expect that this is where you will come when it is your turn. Can you feel it?”
Instinctively, I put out one hand and silver sparkled appeared. A thin silver cord appeared between us, going from heart to heart. “Of course I can! I’m the Magical Kitty, right?”
The elfin Queen laughed musically. “Kitty is right! Like Peter Pan, you’ll never grow up, and neither will Misto.” We grinned, but her grin faded first to a wistful smile. “I’ll wait for you, Michael… I know that mom and dad will chose other places but we will always be able to find each other when we need to. You’ll know where to find me…”
“Yeah… I know… We’ll meet in the Heavyside, won’t we, Michelle?”
“Bet on it…” Her hand reached up and stroked the line between us. “This will lead you to me. Whenever you remember me, you will feel this tug on your heart. But you don’t need to come too soon. You have things to do… Deme said so… and I can see you doing them. You always did have the will… Live your life, Michael. Become Misto… and be a father… and bring her with you when you do come here… Be sure to name a daughter after me… Okay?”
“Sure, Sis… Do we have to go now?”
“How long do you expect dreams to last, Bro?” she laughed lightly. “Besides, right now, mom and dad will be coming in here in a few minutes. You see, I need to visit them before I go, and they will need you more now… You have to be enough for both of us.”
“Good-bye, Sis…”
She smiled as she rose. “Not good-bye,” she said impishly as she disappeared. “Just… see ya later!”
>^~^<
Dedicated to Amanda, whose life ended from viral pneumonia on February 10, 2008.
Latin -- meaning “Worthy to be loved…”
Rumblepurr
***** Finis *****
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