PART ONE (05/13/2010)
PROLOGUE: This one can be blamed totally on my one Editor. As such, her character of Tailkinker is going to be the Stage Manager in place of Electra. Now most of you know that Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat is the second British musical theatre show written by the team of Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice. Oh yes -- another swipe at Sir Andy and Sir Timmy... Based on the "coat of many colors" story of Joseph from the Hebrew Bible's Book of Genesis, this light-hearted show was first presented as a 15-minute pop cantata at Colet Court School in London in 1968. After many transformations and expansions, and West End and Broadway productions, it was adapted as a straight-to-video film, starring Donny Osmond, in 1999. And it isn’t finished yet…
Joseph is one of the few major British musical theatre shows with hardly any spoken dialogue, being sung-through almost completely. The entire show runs under two hours and is occasionally performed without intermission. The show’s family-friendly storyline, universal themes, and catchy music have made Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat one of the most dependably profitable titles in musical theatre, particularly when producers cast a headlining star -- and, according to the Really Useful Group, more than 20,000 schools and amateur theatre groups have successfully put on productions. It’s really too bad that we got hold of this because the ratings of our parodies brush the R-Category quite a bit… No High School or church groups will want this puppy for sure…
Okay, you know the drill perfectly by now. This musical was produced in collaboration or maybe it was a conspiracy, but we’ll never really know (*wink, wink*). And so, we first apologize to Sir Andy and Sir Timmy. Yes, Uncle Timmy got his knighthood in 1994, so we can call him 'Sir’ along with Uncle Andy. We’ll even apologize for mentioning that as well. Although tons of people have starred in this musical, the one that leaps into your mind and eats your cerebral cortex is Donny Osmond, since he starred (or was it scarred…?) in the video of JATD. So, we apologize to Donny, even though I am sure he is more than compensated (Ka-Ching!) for his role. And just to make sure, we apologize to whoever has been in, are in, or ever will be in this musical. That should cover even the backstage crews, the orchestra, the ushers/stewards, the ticket takers and even the janitors.
And since we are using the creations of CATS, we apologize to a lot of initials that we have come to know these many moons: namely, TSE, RUG, CM, TN, JN, GL, et.al. We also apologize to the performers who have been, are in, or will be in the show as well as the poor chaperones that have to make sure no kittens are born during the tours… Uh, we apologize for that remark as well…
So now, please purchase those highly-expensive items in the snack bar, and try to find your seat that is probably right in front of that forty-foot high set of speakers, and prepare yourself for the Jellicle Players and Landscaping Service to resent… er, present to you in somewhat colored splinter, er, splendor… Joeschelp and the Amusing Tie-Dyed Dreamshorts. Remember, the Barf bags are located in the seat or lap in front of you…
CHARACTER PROGRAM (In order of Forced Appearance)
REAL NAME
Joseph
Narrator
Jacob
Ruben
Simeon
Levi
Nepthali
Issachar
Asher
Dan
Zebulon
Gad
Judah
Benjamin
Ishmaelites
Potiphar
Mrs. Potiphar
Pharaoh
Butler
Baker
|
CHARACTER
Joeschlep
The Narrator
Gaycup
Rudebum
Slimmeow
Letfly
Napfairy
Dizzycar
Ashcan
Dang
Zeppelin
Glad
Doodah
Bennyman
Fishmaillites
Pottyfar
Mrs. Pottyfar
Fey-row
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------
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CATS PERFORMER
Munkustrap
Demeter
Old Deuteronomy
Altaica (TJC)
Jemima
Cassandra
Electra
Cettie
Tantomile
Rumpelteazer
Jellylorum
Jennyanydots
Bombalurina
Pouncival
Adonis & Aphrodite (TJC)
Shadowdancer (TJC)
Sundancer (TJC)
Tugger
Tumblebrutus
Alonzo
|
|---|
Please NOTE: Some characters were no longer be “with us” by the end of the TJC series, but this is a parody… After all, they filmed the “Haunted Mansion” and got away with it… AND there ARE ghosts in Harry Potter movies…
Anyone else is pulled off the street, given a script and costume, and thrown in front of the camera. Filmed on location (which is undisclosed for anonymity reasons) and at the Panamint studios without their permission…
OPENING CREDITS
A RUMBLEPURR PRODUCTION
A FLY-By-NIGHT FILM
Directed and Produced by Rumblepurr
Assistant Director: Altaica
Stage Manager: Tailkinker
Special Effects: Nightchaser, Mistoffelees & Company
THE GREEN ROOM
The routine was fairly standard by now: Do not enter the room without checking it out first. Up until today, the type of devices used to look for boobytraps and traps that don’t involve boobies… um… well, this time, the method was a little bit unorthodox… even for these guys…
The outline and transparent form of Misto suddenly sprang into view in the deteriorated moldy somewhat green-painted room. A bit of interference razzed the hologram, but it cleared and Misto looked around.
“Okay, I’m in…” Misto said, talking to someone just to one side. “No, I’m not going to do that bit from Starch Bores about Oddly-Bland Canwobbily… I wouldn’t trust the sofa, so warn the girls not to sit on it… unless they really like whatever is inside it… I can’t see anyone in the room… wait… I see costumes and scripts… How does HE do this?”
The door opened and a Silver and Black Tom walked into the room, a tad miffed. “Misto? Shut your toy off and get inside here. When you do, switch this sofa with the one in the Panamint Director’s office. They can try and subdue the thing living inside there. I don’t know what it is, but it took a week for Bomba’s libido to get back to normal…”
The hologram disappeared and then Misto came in. He concentrated briefly, said his usual “Presto!” and the “couch” disappeared and was replaced with a green velour sofa. Munkus, meanwhile, had wandered over to the table had contained scripts.
“Well, Munku?”
“Not Hairy Putter number Seven yet. The scripts are too small for that… Oh, Rumpus…”
“Define that, Beloved,” purred a female voice.
“Ditto,” Came a second huskier female voice.
“A musical again, Deme. Bomba… One of these days, someone is actually going to produce a musical we can’t parodize…”
“I hate to tell you this, Handsome, but I don’t think HE would go for The Rocky Horror Show. That one might be too far out in the bleacher seats for HIM.
“Then what Musical are we doing?” Jellylourm asked as she came in.
“Joeschlep and the Amazing Tye-Dyed Dream Shorts…”
“A Webbie show?” Jennyanydots said, clearly surprised. “I thought Really Useless Groupies got a court order against us ever producing one of those again!”
“Do you think HE cares what RUGGY thinks?” Bomba snorted. “Wait a mo here! Hold the phone and all those other 'Wait a Minute’ clichés. Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t this here Gaycup guy father twelve SONS?”
“According to Rumble’s notes, that’s the gig,” Munkus nodded. “That figures… I’m the main character again.”
“Look at the cast list…”
A small collection of Jellicles including every one of the female members of the Tribe as well as Pounce, who enjoyed pushing his way through the girls because of the height difference. Of course, he got slapped an awful lot, but, hey, he’s into that sorta thing.
“What the…? Munkus sputtered.
“What’s wrong, Munkus?” Pounce asked. “Who’s this Bennyman anywho?”
“Number one, Pounce, is that you and me are the only actual SONS of Dahdie… The rest of the ten 'brothers’ are actually 'Sisters’.
“Even Jemmi?”
“Yes, so forget about making out with her on the set, or we’ll face incest charges. And Benny is the youngest…”
Jemmi came up and grabbed a fistful of cheek fur. “Ah, poor whittle Pouncie. He’s my Baby Brudder… Smooth going, hotshot. After this, do what I said and get a new agent.”
Munkus got the scripts and started passing them out. “Deme? You’re the Narrator, Alta? You’re Rudebum. Jemmi? Slimmeow. Cassie? Letfly. Leccy? Leccy??? What are you doing in the cast?”
“Look at the Author’s Prologue,” the rust-colored Queen said, making a rude noise as she examined her script. “He’s blaming Kinker for all of this, so she’s the SM.”
“Ooooookay. Leccy, you’re Napfairy… and no, I won’t laugh. Cettie? CETTIE!”
“Oh, hi, Munkus.”
“You’re Dizzycar. Tantie…?”
“Excuse me, like, Munkus,” Cettie said, looking at her script. “Why am I, y’know, dizzy? And I’m not, totally, a car…”
Gus Junior came up, grabbed Cettie and apologetically laughed, and then took her out the door. Munkus shook his head. “I’m glad I didn’t have to explain that one. Tantie? You’re Ashcan, and no, this isn’t a redo of Starblight Excess. Teazer? You’re Dang…”
“Dat’s not wat Oi’d lioke ta saiy about dat…”
“Then don’t. Jelly? You’re Zeppelin…”
Jelly harrumphed. “That better not be an assessment of my weight.”
Bomba snorted. “Jelly, dear? Zeppelins are lighter than air… You only look fat.”
“Thanks a lot.”
Munkus shook his head again. “Jenny? You’re Glad…”
“Not if I have to be in this parody, dearie…”
“I didn’t write this stuff, Jenny. Bomba? You’re Doodah…”
“That sounds very politically incorrect, Munk.” Bomba looked at the script. “Munk? Don’t they usually get a black cat to do this part?”
“Sunny’s already cast, so live with it. This is a parody, so we’re bound to offend somebody. Big Dancer? You are Pottyfar, and Sunny is your wife, Mrs. Pottyfar.”
“That’s what I’d like to do to this script… I see she gets to mess around with you.”
“And Deme is the Narrator, so she’ll have her cattle prod with her. Oh, Rumpus, NO!”
“What is it, Munk?” Deme asked.
“Look at the guy who is the Fey-Row.”
“Tugger?”
At the doorway, there was a brightness that required everyone to put on everything from sunglasses to welder’s masks. Tugger brushed off a set of claws off of his rhinestone suit.
“That’s the regal me,” he smirked.
“Tugger playing Tugger?” Bomba asked. “That oughta be amusing.”
Finally, he came up to the large Norwegian Forest Cat. “Dad? You’re the Patriarch…”
“And I’m also in a parody,” the old cat grunted. “Tell me what my name is in this one.”
Munkus grimaced. “Gaycup.”
Old Deuteronomy sighed. “I get an inferred gay character in Hairy Putter, and suddenly I’m in more slash stories than Tugger and Misto. They really need to get our Writer to find someone for me who will give me that smile the mortician will labor a week to undo…”
A crème colored white Queen opened the door and thumbed the bullhorn on.
“OKAY, EVERYONE! ON THE SET!”
After everyone cleaned out their ears and smoothed their fur down and otherwise sponged off, the cast grabbed their costumes and filed glumly out of the Green Room and out onto the spacious sound stage and Kosher delicatessen of Studio 51 on Panamint’s Movie Lot and Bombing Range.
JOESCHLEP and the Amusing Tie-Dyed Dreamshorts
PART ONE
PROLOGUE
Demeter comes out, dressed in a spangled blue and sliver dress that had a low revealing neckline and a high hemline with white stiletto-heeled boots, and a sapphire necklace that threatened to hide in her cleavage as she walked. Wolf-whistles and catcalls came from offstage as she strutted up to a lectern and glared at the camera.
“Eat your hearts out, guys. I only let Munk handle the goodies…”
DEME (Narrator):
Some cats dream of the wonders they'll do,
When their time in this parody is through.
Some just don't have anything planned,
They hide their hopes and their tails in the sand.
(Deme grins and starts playing with the necklace)
Now I don't say who is wrong, who is right, (She grins suggestively)
But if by chance you are here for the night. (Tomly groans…)
Then all I need is an hour or two (More groans as she plays with the hemline too.)
To tell the tale of a dreamer like you. (Many Toms faint…)
We all dream a lot.
Some are lucky (Munk smirks), some are not (He smirks further).
But if you think it (*groan*), want it (*groan*), dream it (*groan*),
Then it's real. (Deme playes with the necklace again)
You are what I feel. (more Toms faint)
But all that I say,
Can be told another way.
In the story of a Tom whose dreams came true.
Munk? He could be you.
She goes out into the 'audience’, which is composed of the TJC Kitten crew that are not in the Kitten Somephony Orchestra, and selects Augustus to scritch behind his ear. And then goes to the 'back’ of the room set. She opens the door and is instantly engulfed in stage fog. There is about a fifteen-minute delay as the fog dissipates enough to see her liplocked with Munkus, who was hiding in the fog. The kittens giggle loudly, and Deme finally breaks away from Munkus. Smirking a little, he starts down the aisle -- a move he seriously wished later that he didn’t do…
ANY SCREAM WILL DO
MUNKUS (Joeschlep)
I closed my eyes, threw back a stiff one
To see for certain my sobriety…
Just offstage, someone was weeping
But it’s me that’s seething
Any scream will do.
I wore my shorts, with rubber lining
Bright colors shining, wonderful and new
And in the east, the dawn was breaking
And my knees were shaking
Any scream will do
A jump in bed, a flash of thigh
My golden shorts flew off outside
The colors faded into darkness
I was not alone (Munk leers at the camera)
May I return to the beginning
My sight is dimming, and my screams are too
The world and I, we are still waiting
Still hesitating
Any scream will do
A jump in bed, a flash of thigh
My golden shorts flew off outside
The colors faded into darkness
I was not alone
May I return to the beginning
My sight is dimming, and my screams are too
The world and I, we are still waiting
Still hesitating
Any scream will do…
By the time he makes the stage where the play within a musical takes place, his costume is in tatters and lip-gloss is all over him… although some points have more concentration than others. He goes backstage, and is joined by several adult members of the Tribe who have been playing as though they were PE Coaches, Science, Social studies, and English teachers, and a few Administrators. They put on very colorful robes that any self-respecting Bedouin would not be caught dead in. Old Deuteronomy wanders in, sits down on a large heavy chair that still creaked dangerously. The others gather around him. Deme takes a handful of Paracetamol, and downed it with what looked like a tumbler of Old Skat Highland Blended Whiskey…
GAYCUP AND, UH, SONS
DEME (Narrator):
Way way back many centuries ago,
Not long after the Bible began (Deme shows the audience a Bible… upside down.)
Gaycup lived in the land of Junkyard,
A fine example of a family man. (Deme starts and looks menacing at Old Dee before stepping away from him. Old Dee grins.)
Gaycup, Gaycup and sons,
Depended on farming to earn their keep.
Gaycup, Gaycup and sons,
Spend all of his days in the fields with sheep. (Old Dee and one of the sheep grin suggestively.)
Gaycup was the founder of a whole new nation
Thanks to the number of kittens he had
He was also known as the Old Coot, but most of the time
His sons and his mates used to call him…
(Everyone) Dad.
Gaycup, Gaycup and sons,
Cats of the soil, of the sheep and poop
Gaycup, Gaycup and sons,
A remarkable family in anyone's book. (Deme gets the Bible right-side-up this time)
Rudebum was the eldest of the children of the Old Coot (Altaica smirks)
With Slimmeow and Letfly the next in line (Jemmi and Cassie do a high-five)
Napfairy and Dizzycar with Ashcan and Dang (Electra, Cettie, Tantie & Teazer bow)
Zeppelin and Glad took the total to nine (Jelly and Jenny roll their eyes)
Gaycup, Gaycup and sons,
Bennyman and Doodah, which leaves only one (Pounce looked up at Bomba & grimaced)
Gaycup, Gaycup and sons,
Joeschelp -- Gaycup’s favourite son (Munkus comes in to hoots, catcalls and hotel keys)
Gaycup, Gaycup and sons
Gaycup, Gaycup and sons
Gaycup, Gaycup and sons
Gaycup Gaycup Gaycup
Gaycup and… Sons
JOESCHLEP'S COAT
(NOTE: The “Mate’s Ensemble” are the older male kittens of TJC dressed in black and act like the Mates of the “Brothers” -- It’s complicated and would only further confuse you…)
OLD DEUT (Gaycup):
Joeschlep's mother, she was quite my favorite mate
I never really loved another -- call it fate (Everyone smirks -- even Old Dee…)
And Joeschlep was my joy because
He reminded me of her (Munk carefully sidesteps an arm’s length away from Old Dee’s side)
DEME (Narrator):
Through young Joeschlep, Gaycup lived his youth again
Loved him, praised him, gave him all he could, but then
It made the rest feel second best
And even if they were
Brothers
Being told we're also-rans
Does not makes us Joeschlep fans
DEME (Narrator):
But where they had really missed the boat is
Brothers
We're great Toms but no-one seems to notice
DEME (Narrator):
Joeschlep's charm and winning smile
Failed to slay them in the aisle (The brothers stick their collective tongues out or make other rude gestures at Munkus)
And his father couldn't see the danger
He could not imagine it stranger
He just saw in Joeschlep all his dreams come true
Gaycup wanted to show the world he loved his son
To make it clear that Joeschlep was the special one
So Gaycup bought his son some Shorts
Some multi-coloured Shorts to wear.
Brothers and Mates Ensemble
Joeschlep 's shorts were elegant,
The fly was open
The tighty-whitey was
Ultimate in good design
And this is why it caught the eye
A Queen would stop and stare
DEME (Narrator)
And when Joeschlep tried them on
He knew his Pampers days were gone
DEME (Narrator) & Mate Ensemble & Children
Such a dazzling sight of many colors
How he loved his Shorts of many colors
DEME (Narrator)
In a class above the rest
It even went well with his vest
Such a stunning sight of many colors
How he loved his Shorts of many colors
They were red and yellow and green and
Brown and blue
Joeschlep 's brothers weren't
Too pleased with what they saw
Brothers
We have never liked him
All that much before
And now these Shorts
Has got our goats
We feel life is unfair
DEME (Narrator), Mate Ensemble & Children
And when Joeschlep graced the scene
His brothers turned a shade of green
His astounding clothing took the biscuit
Brothers
Quite the smoothest person in the district
MUNKUS (Joeschlep) & Mate Ensemble
I look handsome, I look smart
I am a waltzing work of art
Such a dazzling sight of many colors
How I love my Shorts of many colors
DEME (Narrator), MUNKUS (Joeschlep), Ensemble & Children
They were red and yellow and green and brown
And scarlet and black and ochre and peach
And ruby and olive and violet and fawn
And lilac and gold and chocolate and mauve
And cream and crimson and silver and rose
And azure and lemon and russet and gray
And purple and white and pink and orange… (GASP!)
And red and yellow and green and brown and
Scarlet and black and ochre and peach
And ruby and olive and violet and fawn
And lilac and gold and chocolate and mauve
And cream and crimson and silver and rose
And azure and lemon and russet and gray
And purple and white and pink and orange
And blue!!! (Everyone passes out from the run-on sentence Sir Timmy wrote…)
Old Deut flips everybody off, and pats Deme on the butt as he goes, which she kinda likes and kinda doesn’t. Munkus stands downstage left while the “Brothers” stand upstage right. During the next song, they constantly peg him with spitwads and rubber bands.
JOESCHLEP’S DREAMS
DEME (Narrator):
Joeschlep's shorts annoyed his brothers
Brothers
But what makes us mad
Are the things that Joeschlep tells us of the
Screams he often had
MUNKUS (Joeschlep)
I screamed that in the fields one day,
The pot gave me sign
Your eleven bales of pot
All turned and bowed to mine
My bale was quite a sight to see
A golden wig and tall
Yours were green and second-rate
And really rather small (he sticks his tongue out at his 'Brothers’)
Brothers (All make various gestures of contempt and 'He’s crazy'!’)
This is not the kind of thing
We brothers like to hear
It seems to us that Joeschlep and his
Screams should disappear
MUNKUS (Joeschlep)
I screamed I saw eleven stars,
The sun the moon and sky
Bowing down before my star,
It made me wonder why
Could it be that I did find
A better blend than this?
A Nip in someone's garden plot,
A newer kind of sh… [Munkus!]
Brothers
The screams of our dear brother are
The decade's biggest yawn (Several do…>)
His talk of stars and golden pot
Is just a load of porn
Not only is he tactless but
He's also rather dim
For there's eleven of us and (Cettie tries to count…)
There's only one of him
The screams of course will not come true
That is, we think they won't come true (They look worried…)
That is, we hope they won't come true (They all scoff…)
What if he's right all along? OY! (They look worried again…)
The screams are more than crystal clear,
The writing on the wall
Means that Joeschlep some day soon
Will rise above us all.
The accuracy of the dreams
We brothers do not know.
But one thing we are sure about.
The screamer
Has to go! (They all make gestures of doing Munkus in…)
Deme goes up to the group of bothers, er, brothers, and they bring out all sorts of cutlery and guns. She stays away from them as much as possible.
POOR, POOR JOESCHLEP
DEME (Narrator)
Next day, far from home,
The brothers planned the repulsive crime (All the brothers put on sunglasses)
Brothers
Let us grab him now,
Do him in, while we’ve got the time
DEME (Narrator)
This they did and made the most of it (The brothers surround Munkus, and mosh him over to a set piece that looks like a well…)
Tore his shorts and flung him in pit (They drop him in… ~THUD!~)
Brothers
Let us leave him here,
All alone, and he's bound to die
DEME (Narrator) (Adonis and Aphrodite come in driving a Toy Vette [magically powered])
When some Fishmaillites,
A flashy crew, came riding by
In a flash the brothers changed their plan (A huddle forms as they makes gestures of money)
Brothers
We need cash. Let's sell him if we can
DEME (Narrator), Mate Ensemble & Children
Poor, poor Joeschlep, what'cha gonna do?
Things look bad for you, hey, what'cha gonna do?
Poor, poor Joeschlep, what'cha gonna do?
Things look bad for you, hey, what'cha gonna do?
Brothers (making gang gestures and background rap noises…)
Could you use a slave,
You flashy bunch of Fishmaillites?
Young, strong, well-behaved,
Going cheap and he reads and writes.
DEME (Narrator)
In a trice the dirty deal was done (Aphrodite tosses them a sack of coins with a $ sign on it.)
Silver coins for Gaycup's favorite son (The Bothers, er, Brothers gather up Munkus and toss him into the boot of the Corvette, and close the boot.)
Then the Fishmaillites
Peeled out with the slave in the trunk
Off to Egypt where Joeschlep was not keen to go
It wouldn't be a picnic he could tell
MUNKUS (Joeschlep) (Opening the trunk)
And I don't speak Pig Latin very well (the Brothers close the trunk again.)
DEME (Narrator)>
Joeschlep's brothers tore
His precious multi-colored Shorts (RRRIIIPPP!!!)
Having ripped them up,
They next attacked a passing goat (A piñata of a goat is pounded into rubbish)
Soon the wretched creature was no more
They dipped his Shorts in blood and guts and gore (Deme gags while the deed is done…)
DEME (Narrator), Ensemble & Children
Oh now brothers, how low can you stoop?
You make a sordid group, hey, how low can you stoop?
Poor, poor Joeschlep, sold to be a slave
Situation's grave, hey, sold to be a slave (The Brothers all grin…)
ANGLE IN HEAVYSIDE
The brothers and 'Mates’ gather around as several kittens come in with champagne bottles from last night’s cast party, and the scene looks much like the locker room of a team that just won the World Championship. Champagne squirts all over the place with high/low fives and the entire nine yards. When Old Deut comes out, the celebration is covered up until Alta belches. After Old Deut fans the air, Alta launches into this… uh… song…
ALTAICA (Rubebum)
Father, we've something to tell you, a story that is tripe (Alta sits Old Deut in his chair again and swats his hand away from her bum)
A tragic but inspiring tale of Tomhood that is ripe
You know you had a dozen sons ... (Again, Cettie tries to count)
Well now that's not quite true
But feel no sorrow, do not grieve,
He would not want you to (All of them snicker)
ALTA (Rudebum), Rudebum 's 'Mate’ & Bothers
There's one more angle in Heavyside
There's one more star in the sky
Joeschlep we'll never forget you
It's tough but we're gonna get by
There's one less place at our table
There's one more tear in my eye
Brothers
But Joeschelp the things that you stood for
ALTA (Rudebum)
Like truth and light never die…
When I think of his last great battle
A lump comes to my throat
It takes a Tom who knows no fear (Alta starts to fumble -- the others are no help)
To wrestle with a… goat (Alta shrugs -- go with it…)
His blood-stained shorts are tribute to
His final sacrifice (she drops a pair of ripped up shorts, badly stained, in Old Deut’s lap)
His body may be past its peak
But his soul's in paradise (Most of the group is in various poses of “Hoo boy, this is bad)
OLD DEUT (Gaycup)
There's one less place a our table (holding the shorts that would make a Hazmat crew barf)
There's one more tear in my eye (He picks up the shorts with tongs and holds it away from him)
Brothers
But Joeschlep the things that you stood for
ALTA (Rudebum)
Like truth and light never die
Brothers
Carve his name with pride and courage
ELECTRA (Napfairy)
Let no tear be shed (she almost retches…)
Brothers
If he had not laid down his life
We all would now be dead (Most try not to barf as Old Deut exits, holding the shorts by tongs)
The scene changes as Shadowdancer (Big Dancer) comes out in an Egyptian-styled business suit followed by Nightchaser, Misto, and Celestine (TJC) as his advisors. Last, Munkus comes out in only a white kilt and vest and gets female catcalls, whistles and hotel keys. He grins and then he makes sure that he is near to Dancer all the time. The 'Egyptians’ sit down at a card table and bring out the poker chips and cards…
POTTYFAR
DEME (Narrator)
Joeschlep was taken to Egypt in chains and sold,
Where he was bought by a captain named by Pottyfar
DEME (Narrator) & Trio
Pottyfar had very few cares
He was one of Egypt millionaires
Having made a fortune buying shares in
DANCER (Pottyfar) (Dancer points over his shoulder as Munkus shows a picture of them)
Pyramids
DEME (Narrator) & Trio
Pottyfar had made a huge pile (Dancer rakes in a huge pile of chips)
Owned a large percentage of the Nile
Meant that he could really live in style
DANCER (Pottyfar) (Looking smug)
And I did
DEME (Narrator)
Joeschlep was an unimportant
Slave who found he liked his master
Consequently worked much harder
Even with devotion (Munkus gags slightly as he fawns over and kisses Dancer’s rings)
Pottyfar could see that Joeschlep
Was a cut above the average
Made him leader of his household
Maximum promotion
DEME (Narrator) & Trio
Pottyfar was cool and so fine
DANCER (Pottyfar)
But my wife would never toe the line (Sunny blows him an air-kiss and then pats her butt)
DEME (Narrator) & Trio
It's all there in chapter thirty-nine
Of Genesis (Deme opens the book and shows a pin-up picture of Sunny done by Kvitter)
She was beautiful but
SUNNY (Mrs. Pottyfar) (Now Sunny looks smug and rubs her paws)
Evil…
DEME (Narrator) & Trio
Saw a lot of men against his will
He would have to tell he that she still
Was his
DANCER (Pottyfar) (Points a dewclaw at his chest and she once more pats her butt)
You’re mine…
DEME (Narrator)
Joeschlep's looks and handsome figure (Munkus does some flexing...)
Had attracted her attention
Every morning she would beckon
SUNNY (Mrs. Pottyfar) (Grabs Munkus by the lapels of his vest and pulls him against her)
Come and lie with me, love
DEME (Narrator) (Deme’s teeth clench and a very lethal-looking cattle prod appears)
Joeschlep wanted to resist her,
Till one day she proved too eager
Joeschlep cried in vain
MUNKUS (Joeschlep)
Please stop, I don't believe in free love! (Sunny has ripped his vest off, and has him in a dip and about to kiss him…)
SUNNY (Mrs. Pottyfar) (The cattle prod inches away from her butt, Sunny drops Munk)
Pity…
DEME (Narrator)
Pottyfar was counting blue chips
In his den below the bedroom
When he heard The Mighty Rumpus
Clattering above him
Suddenly he knew his riches
Couldn't buy him what he wanted
Gold would never make him happy
But I would take it, Please?
DEME (Narrator), Trio & Kittens
Letting out a mighty roar (*Wheeze… ahem… ROAR!!!*)
Pottyfar burst through the door (After the third try, and then fell flat on his face)
DANCER (Pottyfar) (Dancer gets up and points at the Silver Tabby)
Munkus, er Joeschlep, I'll see you rot in jail
The things that you have done are beyond the pale…
“Pale? What kinda word is that?”
[A Pale was a boundary stick, hence in inference that he went a bit too far…]
“Oh… and it rhymes, too. Right?”
[(*sigh*) That is an affirmative…]
A group of kittens come in and mosh Munkus over to the jail set, and toss him inside (~THUD~)
“I’m getting tired of this,” Munkus muttered as the cell door clangs shut, and the kittens go running out again...
DEME (Narrator), Trio & Kittens
Poor, poor Joeschlep, locked up in a cell
Things ain't going well, hey, locked up in a cell
Poor, poor Joeschlep, locked up in a cell
Things ain't going well, hey, locked up in a cell
Locked up in a cell…
The looks Deme gives Munkus are close to homicidal… but she disconnects the cattle prod, grounds the prongs, and puts it back in its case. Munk breathes a sigh of relief. The lights go dim except for a spotlight on a near-naked Munkus. Queenly sighs come from every direction.
“Sunny?” Deme warned. “If you go for him in the dark, you’ll regret it…”
“Rats…” sounded from backstage right.
CLOSE EVERY LID FOR ME
MUNKUS (Joeschlep)
Close every lid for me,
Hide all the Nip from me
Bar all the windows
And turn out the light
Do what you want with me,
Hate me and laugh at me
Darken my daytime
And torture my night
If my role were important I
Would ask will I live or die
But I know the answers lie
Far from this script
Close every lid for me,
Keep all catnip from me
Children of the Old Coot
Are never alone
For I know I shall find
A Tequila Sunrise
For I have been promised
A Yard of my own
Kittens (They come out of the audience and surround the jail cell Munkus is in.)
Close every lid for me,
Hide all catnip from me
Bar all the windows
And turn out the light
Kittens sing the melody line to a nauseous repetitious “la" as everyone gets out their cell phones and the candleflame APP...
“la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la” Normally, this would be to the melody of the song, but the Junkyard Kittens are always a bit unruly, and do their bit to “Star Bores”. Rumblepurr eventually has them re-record the number to the correct melody under the threat that Big Dancer would paddle their butts…
MUNKUS (Joeschlep)
Just give me a number
And not forty-two
Forget all about me
And let me go poo
I do not matter,
I'm only one person
Destroy me completely
Then throw me away
If my role were important I
Would ask will I live or die
But I know the answers lie
Far from this script
Close every lid for me, (Munkus stands and strikes several muscleman poses for the ending.)
Keep all catnip from me
Children of the Old Coot
Are never alone
For we know we shall find (Biiigggg FINISH!!!)
A Tequila Sunrise
For we have been promised
A Yard of our own
The kittens give Munkus a bilabial frickative (otherwise known as a Bronx Cheer or Raspberry) and go back to their seats. Munkus shakes his head and wonders what else can happen to him… and then he remembers… One more fraggin’ song…
GO, GO-GO JOESCHLEP
DEME (Narrator)
Joeschlep's luck was really out,
His spirit and his career low
Alone he sat, alone he thought
Of happy times he used to know
First Kitten
Hey screamer, don't be so upset
Second Kitten
Hey Joeschlep, you're not beaten yet
DEME (Narrator) & Ensemble
Go, go, go Joeschlep you know what they say
Hang on now Joeschlep you'll make it some day
Don't give up Joeschlep fight till you drop
We've read the book and you come out on top
(Everyone holds up a different book including Cat in the Hat, Horton Hears a Who, et.al.)
DEME (Narrator)
Now into Joeschlep 's prison cell
Were flung two very frightened men
(The kittens mosh in Tumble and Alonzo and (~THUD~)
Tumble: Hey, that hurt!
Alonzo: We’re gonna die, right?”
[Please sing your part of this song…]
ALONZO (Baker) & TUMBLE (Butler)
We don't think we will ever
See the light of day again
Hey Joeschlep, help us if you can
We've had screams that we don't understand
DEME (Narrator) & Ensemble
Both men were servants of Fey-Row the Kink
Both in the cathouse for doing their think… (Think?)
[Go with it…]
DEME (Narrator)
One was a baker, a cook in his prime
One was a butler, the Jeeves of his time (Everyone smirks…)
Deme: Sorry about that, Sir Andy…
MUNKUS (Joeschlep)
Tell me of your screams my friends
And I will tell you what they show
Though I cannot guarantee
To get it right, I'll have a go
DEME (Narrator)
First the butler, trembling took the floor
Nervously he spoke of what he saw
TUMBLE (Butler)
There I was standing in front of a vine
I took some grapes and I crushed them to wine
I gave some to Fey-Row who drank from my cup
I tried not to spew but I had to throw up
MUNKUS (Joeschlep)
You will soon be free my friend
So do not worry any more
The kink will let you out of here,
You'll butt-kiss as you did before
DEME (Narrator)
Next the baker rose to tell his scream
Hoping it would have a similar theme
ALONZO (Baker)
There I was standing with baskets of breads
High in the sky I saw birds overhead
Who crapped on my hat and ate every slice
Give me the message - like his would be nice
MUNKUS (Joeschlep)
Sad to say your dream is not
The kind of scream I'd like to get
Fey-Row has it in for you,
Your execution date is set (Alonzo grabs his heart…)
Don't rely on all I said I saw
It's just that I have not been wrong before
ALONZO (Baker): I’m gonna DIE!!! (He falls over ~thud~) That hurt…
The kittens come on with the usual funeral dirge, and Alonzo is moshed off stage…
Ensemble
Go, go, go Joeschlep you know what they say
Hang on now Joeschlep you'll make it some day
Sha la la Joeschlep you're doing fine
You and your dreamshorts ahead of your time
Go, go, go Joeschlep you know what they say
Hang on now Joeschlep you'll make it some day
Sha la la Joeschlep you're doing fine
You and your dreamshorts ahead of your time
(At this point, the set turns into a 1980s Disco floor with psychedelic lighting and a mirror ball hanging from the ceiling. Everyone comes out looking like the Haight and Ashbury district blew up and the debris landed on them. The plethora of tie-dyed outfits and flowers makes one believe we switched over to Laugh-Out with Cettie subbing for Goldie Hawn. Old Deut comes on as a Grand-daddy Hippee with a sunflower in his paw, and Munk and Deme play off of him…)
Go, go, go, go
Go, go, go, go
Go, go, go, go
Go, go, go, go
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go
Joeschlep you know what they say
Hang on now Joeschlep you'll make it some day
Sha la la Joeschlep you're doing fine
You and your dreamshorts ahead of your time
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go Joeschlep you know what they say
Hang on now Joeschlep you'll make it some day
Sha la la Joeschlep you're doing fine
You and your dreamshorts ahead of your time
DEME (Narrator)
Ahead of your time
MUNKUS (Joeschlep)
Ahead of my time
DEME (Narrator)
Ahead of your time
MUNKUS (Joeschlep)
Ahead of my
EVERYONE
Time…………
There are Heavy Metal Guitar riffs for the next fifteen minutes as the SmartLights weave, gobo, and change colors all over the place. The Cast is all crowded in front of the camera making funny faces at the lens. Cettie actually manages to get her mouth into the lens aperture, and puts a lip-print on the lens.
Everyone is supposed to make the peace sign, but a few young Toms make either the Vulcrumb V-sign or flip the bird at the camera. The camera fails to turn off as one of the adults says… “Thank the Rumpus that’s over with for the day. Let’s go get real drunk…”
And then another adult, probably Cettie, replies…
“You mean you can, you know, get unreal drunk?”
“Totally,” Electra groans.
Once more, Gus Junior comes in, grabs Cettie in a fireman’s carry over the shoulder, and laughs apologetically as he carries her off stage. The last thing we hear is Rumble saying…
[I would inquire as to why I was chosen for this disaster, but I am fearful that I will receive a reply.]
***** Fade to Black *****
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