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THE JELLICLE CHRONICLES

PARODY: HAIRY PUTTER and THE DREADUL HOWLS
(Part One of Part Two)

By Dennis C. Callin (Rumblepurr)

Parody of “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” (Book 7) by J.K. Rowling

Beta Read

PART ONE of PART TWO (12/21/2011)

PROLOGUE: Oh yes… I did go to the Part Two movie on Monday, July 18, 2011, but the week AFTER the opening. Auntie Rowling’s (Ka CHING!) Second Part of Year Seven was first aired on Friday, July 15, 2011 with the usual fans, ultra fans, and Worse-Than-Star-Trek fans. They actually stood in line (queued), sat, and even CAMPED outside theatres… People? This is a MOVIE!!! It will be in the theatres for the rest of the summer, and then on DVD, BlueRay and maybe on EtherVision!!! Get a LIFE!!! Now if only they would be doing that for THIS literary sensation! All over the world -- people panting for the next Hairy Putter Parody -- constantly reloading my website, or going direct to the Parodies Page via the URL, or…
      Okay, pulling back into the real world… such as it is… Definitely the Mountain Dew kicking in…
      According to the book, we start out at Shelled Cottage with Flour and Bilge… sorry… Thinking of Cat Morgan and Cassandra being married… (*snort*)… Okay, using Auntie Rowling’s characters. Harry has deep-sixed Dobby, and we start partially in Chapter 24. Twelve chapters this time and 261 pages… This ought to be good… Four more Horcruxes to go, and only two hours and ten minutes to get all this in… and then… High Noon with Voldie…
      So, this is a matter of waiting until the DVD comes out so I can stay true to something, be it book or movie. Both or neither one. I will definitely be waiting to see whether we go on the Temple of Doom ride with Indiana Jonsey into Gringotts and some of the other funky stuff in the book and the trailer. (Sorry -- I did not have the time to produce another trailer, and they were a little late with it anyway…) Ending the pre-snicker here…
      Okay, I got the DVD for Part Two on Wednesday, November 16, 2011, but I had the end of another 'legitimate’ chapter to complete before I could go bananas with the parody. According to the DVD jacket, the Second Part takes 90 minutes… I was close! And only PG13!!! (Emma with some cleavage, I guess…) I need to rethink my rating for this thing then… Anyhoo, I got what I wanted in a way… I saw so many movie and musical references in the replaying of this turkey that I thought I was watching a Disney/Pixar animated flick. I probably missed some, but here goes…
      In Gringotts, all that was needed when they rode down the cart to Bellatrix’s vault was the theme music to “Indiana Jones”, and you are in the Temple of Doom's Indian mines.
      When Voldie tells the horde to fire off against the castle shields, don’t you feel like you’re watching the last stand of the Spartans in 300?
      The fact that the castle has defensive shields Star Trek anyone? Now all they need was photon torpedoes and phasers…
      When the shield goes down and Neville is at the Covered Bridge, the Death Eaters at this point remind me of the Scottish charge in Highlander. And then, when the Bridge explodes, I had to think of Bridge On the River Kwai.
      When Crabbe dies in the Room of Requirement, the body plunge into the flames reminds me of Elsa Schneider of The Last Crusade fame as she disappears into the collapsing Holy Grail church crevasse.
      When Snape dies, I almost audibly groaned when he looks at Harry and states, “you have your mother’s eyes…” Substitute Harry’s mother’s name "Lily" and you have The Secret Garden. Can you see this scene? Snape groans and sings "You have her eyes… You have Lily’s hazel eyes…’ Harry joins in for the duet, they hold hands and then Snape dies… Yes, the Mt. Dew is really kicking in…
      Oh, and how about the Resurrection Stone? Did anyone think of it being an eight-sided die and that he would need it to make a saving throw? Sorry… Too much D&D during my college years I guess…
      And my final one… probably a weak one at best, but Harry breaking the Elder Wand, and throwing it away into the fjord is very similar to The Heart of the Oceani being thrown into the depths by Gloria Stuart in Titanic. Possible…? Yeah, it’s weak… Or even the Ring going into Mt. Doom only without Gollum attached to it… Yeah, even weaker…
      Well, we come to the part of the Prologue to renew the apologies to those depicted in the book and the movie, and a warm one to Auntie Rowling for this ending of the Harry Potter saga. (Now if you expect me to do the Twilight Series -- think again… I’ll let the chicks do that one…) Still, I will apologize to all the actors and actresses, ghosts and statuary that were in the Second Part of HP7. I’m sorry… that you guys were paid and I don’t even get a groat for this…
      And so, I give you up to the tender mercies of this Double Header movie as you take your Debt-Ceiling-Raised refreshments and your contribution to the Double Ka-CHING fund that this film will give to Auntie Rowling, and find your seat. Take a little bit of time to find the nearest exit just in case they bomb the theatre again. And now, the Jellicle Bit-Players Union and Haberdashery Consultants present to you, in 3-D (Dumb, Dumber, and Dumbest), HAIRY PUTTER AND THE DREADFUL YOWLS… Part 2.

DISCLAIMER: the Film Industry has not recognized the following film in General.
Watching this film may cause uncontrollable shuddering, nervous tics, and vomiting.
Some individuals have been reduced to medicinal comas and the lowering of their IQ.
If you are allergic to Parodies, we advise you to run screaming to the exits…
If they are locked, jumping off the second balcony is always an option…
The discharging of firearms inside the theatre is prohibited. Squirt guns and water weaponry is frowned upon, but allowable. Paintball weapons are still being debated…
Recording devices such as cameras, cell phones, tape recorders, iPhones, and other such items are prohibited because the recordings are considered acts of terrorism again your unsuspecting relatives, friends and acquaintances… Plus, your films may be better that this one, and that is considered very bad form…

R rating symbol

This Parody" is Rated R for Raunchy”
Not particularly for any gratuitous Sex, senseless Violence, demeaning and vulgar Dialogue
As stated -- the following is just pretty raunchy…
Okay, the following needs to be rated R for all of that…
Comes from having 3 crates of Mountain Dew and Dr. Pepper, a vivid imagination and time on my hands.
You have been warned because, after all, this is a TJC Parody…


OPENING CREDITS

A RUMBLEPURR PRODUCTION

A FLY-By-NIGHT FILM

Directed and Produced by Rumblepurr

Assistant Director: Altaica

Assistant Director: Domino

Stage Manager: Electra

Special Effects: Nightchaser, Mistoffelees & Company

CHARACTER PROGRAM (In order of Forced Appearance)

CHARACTER
The Narrator
Roughage Scrimmagescore
Mr. & Mrs. Grungee
Hermouthie Grungee
Bong Wheezy
Mrs. Molly Wheezy
Hairy Putter
Peculiar Doozy
Burping Doozy
Dummie Doozy
Professor (Servus) Snacks
Dominatrix LaStrange
Lard Baldydork
Yakkey
Charry Garbage
Wormie
Loopus Malformed
Farsissy Malformed
Tacko Malformed
Gorge & Fried Wheezy
Mr. Allbutt Wheezy
Nympho Tookus
Reamrust Lumpkin
Kinky Shuttelcock
Muddingus Filcher
Rubik Haggis
Bilge Wheezy
Flour Delicork
Gunny Wheezy
Xenophobia Loveless
Looney Loveless
Elfleaus Dogg
Mooreal Wheezy
Mr. Oleander
Creature
Deplorable Pugbreath
Piecrust Thickneck
Allbutt Ranker
Mary Catastrophe
Hairy’s Petroleum Spirit
Fernrear Halfback
Scabby
Snatcher
Batty Batshop
Grillit Grinandbearit

PART TWO
Grippyhook
Lead Goblin Clerk
Allbuttfroth Dumbiedork
Fairyrama Dumbiedork
Slow Clang
Sluming Thenagain
Panzy Parkinslum
Professor Flickwrist
The Hogwarps Ghosts
Scabby
Crabby
Boil

CATS PERFORMER
Purrcival
Topper (HH Séance)
Peter & Pettipaw (TJC Kittens)
Jemima
Pouncival (taking over the role in Book 6)
Jennyanydots
Asparagus (Junior) (taking over the role in Book 6)
Rumpelteazer
Mungojerrie
Tumblebrutus
Munkustrap
Bombalurina
Macavity (with restraining collar)
Admetus (TJC)
Aphrodite (TJC Cameo appearance)
Rags (with vocal synthesizer by ACME -- HH)
Shadowdancer (TJC -- in a blond wig…)
Sundancer (TJC -- in a blond wig…)
Presley (on bail from Heathrow)
Coricopat & Tantomile
Skimbleshanks
Artemis (TJC -- after séance)
Onyx (HH -- subbing for Silvermane, Who was the original)
Archangel (HH -- he thinks…)
Cosmos (HH -- another of the insane crew)
Quaxo
Cat Morgan
Cassandra
Cettie
Tugger
Estella (Cettie’s daughter)
Zhion (HH -- new role -- same Jellicle Sean Connery)
Rayven (HH -- cameo role)
Jonathan (TJC -- Skimble’s kitten)
Erik (HH -- Rayven’s daughter acting as a Homie… Elf)
Nicole (HH -- and well padded for the part)
Starcatcher (HH -- under protest)
Benoni (TJC -- Altaica’s son)
Althea (TJC -- Jellylorum’s daughter)
Bustopher Jones
Merlin (TJC -- Misto’s grandson)
Yang (TJC -- The Dark Twins’ ward)
Spectre (TJC -- Mungojerrie’s grandson)
Aphrodite (TJC -- 2nd role)-
Faust (HH - Maccie’s last kitten)


George (TJC -- Exotica’s son by Alonzo)
Bill Bailey (TJC -- Electra’s son by Tumblebrutus)
Sebastian (HH)
Geneviere (HH)
Pettipaws (TJC -- Rumpleteazer’s daughter)
Augustus (TJC -- Munkustrap’s son)
Miranda (TJC -- Griddlebone’s daughter)
Skimbleshanks (plays part on his knees)
Topper (HH -- Helena Ravingmad played in drag)
Yang (TJC -- The Dark Twins’ ward)
Poseidon (escaped from the Heathrow Asylum)
Victor (bit part, but better than nothing)


Please NOTE: Some characters were no longer be “with us” by the end of the TJC series, but this is a parody… After all, they filmed the “Haunted Mansion” and got away with it… AND there ARE ghosts in Harry Potter movies…

Anyone else is pulled off the street, given a script and costume, and thrown in front of the camera. Filmed on location (which is undisclosed for anonymity reasons) and at the Panamint studios without their permission…

THE GREEN ROOM

      When the door to the Green Room opened, Munkustrap did not care anymore, but walked right in. Mistoffelees, as usual, followed him in but at a respectful distance. The Conjuring Cat was wearing body armor and Kevlar underwear. Raising the face shield, Misto looked around. Once more, they were the first ones in…
      “Are you suicidal, Munku? What if the ravening horde was in here!?”
      “Misto… I get killed in the movie, so if I pass into the Great Beyond, it will not be within this room…” Munkus stopped at the coffee table where the last masonry brick of Auntie Rowling’s literary works substituted as a table leg, and picked up a black lace set of French-cut panties. “Bomba wondered where these went… How they got here, I haven’t a clue…”
      “They got here because you started it here,” Bombalurina growled as she came in with Demeter right behind her. “Gimme that…” she said, grabbing the panties.
      Misto and Munkus looked at each other and then definitely looked Bomba over.
      “Bomba? Are you… ah…?”
      With Deme pushing Bomba into the dressing room, the gold tabby shouted over her shoulder. “Yes, she is!”
      “Which means?”
      “You figure it out!” Deme said caustically, and they went into the Ladies Dressing room.
      As Tugger and Presley came in, they watched as Munkus staggered into the Tom’s dressing room. Both went over to Misto.
      “Hey, Glitter Mitts,” Tugger said, waving a hand in front of Misto’s face and only getting a reaction when Tugger applied a brain-duster. “Why are you zonged, and what was Munkus muttering about?”
      “What was he saying?” Misto finally said, rubbing the back of his head.
      “Something about having a hot vision,” Presley replied, “and needing a cold shower.”
      “Good idea…” Misto said, and disappeared.
      “I hate getting in late for things like that,” Tugger complained.
      “Getting in early is overrated,” Jellylorum said. “Since I know I’m in this one, I need to become the Wicked Witch of the West… AGAIN! The only thing keeps me from running out into traffic is that I am not painted green.”
      “Just be glad you’re not required to wear this damn red fright wig,” Jennyanydots huffed as she came in. “Now if I were like Fawn…”
      “Don’t go there,” the Heathrow Healer growled as she came in. “I’m your understudy, remember?”
      “Hey, everyone,” Electra said, poking her head in. “Rumble wants to get this thing going as soon as everyone is here. If anyone is late, Silvermane is gonna start zapping people in, and you know his sense of humor, right?”
      “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Pounce said, leading in the stars of the show. “He popped me in the Tom’s dressing room in a pink tutu and ballet slippers, along with the makeup AND falsies. Believe me, it was NOT pretty…”
      “You could say THAT again,” Alonzo said as he entered and then held up a hand. “But please don’t, okay?”
      “Hey, Guv’ner?” Mungojerrie asked Alonzo as he and Teazer came in. Waving hello and grinning at the Toms, she went into the techroom. “Is it troo dat dey’re gonna blow up da set wen we finish dis ting?”
      “Somebody please translate what this reprobate just uttered?” Macavity said as he entered. Smoke was still coming out of his ears from a test of the collar circuits.
      [The facsimile of Mungojerrie’s question is as follows: 'Is it true that they are going to blow up the set when we finish this thing.’]
      “Thank you.” Macavity murmured as he adjusted the electro-collar around his neck. “I, for one, look forward to the time period when I can remove this device. Is the rumor true that I am not a homicidal maniac in the New York version of the Chronicles?”
      “Yes,” Cassandra said as she entered. “Instead of killing everything within reach, you freeze its assets, buy the property out from under it, then evict them into the cold, cruel world, and then have a short laugh as they become a traffic statistic.”
      Macavity nodded as he tapped his fingers after each point was made. “I must say that I am fond of the change. Less gore, and it achieves an identical outcome. Good form, Miss Cassandra. Thank you.”
      “We still think of you as slime to be washed down the storm drains,” Electra said as she came in again. “Second Call. Don’t make me come in for a third one.”
      After she exited, Macavity glanced in her direction and then regarded those still in the Green Room. “And you consider me the hardcore villain…”

HAIRY PUTTER AND THE DREADFUL YOWLS
PART ONE OF PART TWO

MUSTARDPIECE THEATRE SET
NARRATOR: Purrcival, the Rail Tribe Chronicler.

      Purrcival yawned as he opened the huge Mustardpiece book out on the table in front of him. His dialogue, as well as a set of Cliff Notes, was set in somewhat large font, and could be read from nearby Redlands some thirty miles away. Glancing over his notes, Purrcival was ready… until Scatterburr strutted onto the set.
      As usual, the buxom brown Tabby wore a knotted-under-the-superstructure shirt that threatened to spill out what it was intended to keep in, a pair of short shorts that made any member of the Dallas Cowgirls of the American National Football League fame appear moderately dressed, and a white pair of stiletto-heeled boots that could be used as a weapon if necessary. In short, any male member of the off-stage Tom Crew would have explained the effects of her ensemble with an elongated version of a singular vocal pronunciation…
      “Guh…”
      Purrcival allowed every facility in his testosterone-fueled mind to take in the sight of Scatterburr, process it, assign her the number 22 out of a possible 20 on the “Chick Scale”, and then brought his brain back online with only a moderate puddle of drool around the desk. It only took Rumpleteazer two trips with the mop bucket to wipe up said puddle.
      Adjusting his Mattel Ken© smoking jacket, he made certain that his bubble pipe had the usual eight ounces of solution, primed it, and then blew a spectacular double-bubble that approximated the dimensions of his camera-person. Satisfied that all was in order, he sat down…
      And totally forgot that the backstage crew was high on Potty jokes…
      Sound Stage 51 erupted in the crudest noise produced by ACME’s Super Pooper Whoopee Cushion© that was augmented by a directional audio pickup placed under the desk where Purrcival sat. Turned up to 120db, the sound system broadcasted this seating throughout Panamint Studios Sound Stage 51 and Delicatessen with a clarity that defies description…
      So, we will allow your imagination to provide the details…
      In true theatrical professionalism, Purrcival’s only negative reaction was a slight sigh and the brief closure of both eyes. By the time he realized that even that bit had gone viral on UTube, he faced the camera, and waited for Scatterburr to be seated behind it. The red light atop the camera came on…
      “Good Evening Queens and Gentletoms, and those still awaiting DNA testing. Tonight’s presentation will bring us to the conclusion of Hairy Putter and the Dreadful Howls… Part 2. Now, before we run the clips of the worldwide celebration, and the lorries full of Ka-CHING being let into Auntie Rowling’s mansion, we must run tonight’s feature film. Our beginning is the pathetic headstone of Dooby, and the chasing away of several domestic non-Jellicle housecats that have been using that part of the set as their litterbox. We will attempt to only have one part of the Second Part, and not three parts like we did the First Part. If you understood that, please contact the studio and… Never mind…”
      Purrcival adjusted the book and theatrically turned the page, revealing Miss October Jellicle holding a strategically placed pumpkin.
      “Because some of you are reading this in 3-D, which must be sensational enough to make the letters you are reading to jump out of the page at you, we will not be responsible to your loss of eyesight later on in life. And so, the management and I wish you Good Luck as we bring you our creature feature… sorry… our feature film: Hairy Putter and the Dreadful Yowls -- Part One of PART TWO…
      Just remember… we warned you…

MOVIE PROLOGUE (or, reading over Chapter 24)

The scene shows a white marble box -- the ultimate in fashionable kitty commodes with Maccie standing over the lid. He holds up the WS (Wando Supremo), the Bad-Ass Wand, the Whip-Your-Butt-and-Kick-You-Into-Next-Week Wand… the…
      “We get the picture… again…” Maccie snarled.
      He points it toward the sky and gestures…
      The tip of the wand spits out a dozen white water lilies… Maccie shakes his head.
      “Yes… This is the Wando Uno all right…”

The scene changes to see a series of stagehands crossing in front of the camera with fog units spewing stage fog. A kitten comes out with the WB (Wibble Brothers) logo, coughs, and runs out. The kazoo section of the Heathrow Reggie Marching band plays the song Tusk by Fleetwood Mac before Electra gets them to play the Hairy Putter theme. When the fog clears, there are a bunch of extras standing in the black hoodies of the Demeanors and gazing at the model of the Hogwarps castle. The camera zooms in and we see Munkus standing in a balcony watching the whizzers of Hogwarps march by in phalanx formation. All he needs is the band playing “Jellicle über alles …”
      Below Munkus, a banner flops down and reveals…
Hairy Putter and the Dreadful Yowls (Part 2)

      He massages the bridge of his nose as the kazoos drone on…

SCENE ONE: THE WIND BREAKER

The scene changes to the beach set where Junior is looking at Dooby’s tombstone. He shakes his head, and mutters…
      “Lucky little fart…”
      Looking into the mirror shard, all he sees is a tongue giving him a raspberry. He gets up and goes over to the Shelf Cottage set where Pounce and Jemmi sat on a couch while Cat Morgan and Cassandra stood on either end. Cat Morgan blew Cassie a kiss, and she disappeared behind the couch where muted gagging sounds indicated how she felt about her role.
      “Now what do we do?” Pounce said, still moping about having to play Bong Wheezy.
      “Read the script first,” Junior replied. “We have to go talk to Grippy and Mr. Oleander.”
      “Grippy?”
      “Not one of the Seven Dinguses, if that’s where your head is at, Pounce.”
      Cassandra came up, not looking very happy or well. “I’m supposed to tell you that neither one is really well enough to talk to…”
      “But, kowing 'ow auld Junior is, 'e’ll go up and see the loony sod, 'e will,” Cat Morgan chuckled. “Roight, luv?”
      “GO, Junior, before I lose yesterday’s meals, too,” Cassandra said, looking a tad green.
      Junior climbs the stairs to the bedroom where George is lying on the bed, dressed like a blackjack dealer in Vegas.
      “Let me guess,” Junior said. “All the goblins in this parody look like the pimps driving Caddies on the Las Vegas Strip.”
      “That’s what wardrobe gave me, Uncle Gus, er, Hairy Putter.”
      “Fine. We know you’re the Goblin who had the keys to the vaults in the First Parody of this literary masterpiece.”
      “Yeah, and you’re Hairy Putter in this travesty of the same literary work. Amongst goblins, you are one strange duck…”
      “Well I’m about to get stranger,” Junior said. “I need to break into a Gringos’ vault.”
      “I see the Author thought about Mission Unfeasible and Tom Cruise.”
      “Well, this will do. I need to get into the LaStrange vault but only to get one item.”
      “Not the rubber sword of Grippingdork,” George said, pointing to the item leading against the wall. “The one in her vault is the fake one. How did you get the real one?”
      “It’s complicated,” Junior said, trying to look innocent. “Why does Bomba, er, LaStrange think it should be in her vault?”
      “It’s complicated,” George answered. “If not the sword, what then?”
      “Some other thing … Look, I really need a scapegoat, er, goblin to get us in, and you’re our only hope…”
      George shook his head. “Now we need to apologize to Uncle Lucas and Star Warps.”
      “Well?”
      “For a price…”
      “I got plenty of Monopoly© money since I found the printing plates.”
      “Nope, I’ve got enough to use for TP the rest of my life. I want the sword. Nuada and Maahes think their lightslobbers are hot stuff, and that sword would put theirs to shame.”
       “We’ll think about it,” Junior said. “Hermouthie? Bongers? Conference…”
      Going to a spare room on the set, the three sat knees-to-knees, which ticked off Jemmi because both Toms played with hers. After picking themselves off the floor, Junior and Pounce promised to behave.
      “Okay,” Pounce asked. “Why do we wanna go on a suicide mission to Gringos when we have the real sword right here?”
      “Yes,” Jemmi added. “As long as we can keep Grippy’s sticky fingers off of it.”
      “I think old Voldie put one of his Hardcrusties in there,” Junior said, “and didn’t tell the LaStrange Family what it was.”
      “Wonderful…” Pounce groaned. “We are positively mental… Bong says that a lot…”
      Junior nodded. “And he is correct in several ways. Okay, now I need to see Mr. Oleander about wands and things.”
      When they went next-door and walked in, Jonathan (Skimble’s kitt and sub for Oleander) was sound asleep, which seems to be an inherent family trait on the Tom side. Junior put a finger to his lips and the three tiptoed over to the bed. There, Jemmi opened her Bag O’Stuff and handed Junior an aerosol can with a plastic horn on top. Pressing the button on the horn, a strident honk that rivaled a cruise ship’s foghorn created a somewhat magical effect of making Jonathan disappear. Looking up, they saw that the orange tabby was wrapped around a light pipe suspended fifteen meters above the floor.
      “Verra funny, lad,” he finally growled. “When I get doon from here, I’m gaeing tae put that horn up your…”
      [Mr. Jonathan…]
      “…nose and clear your sinuses for a month…”
      “Just drop down on the bed, and let’s get on with this,” Jemmi said caustically.
      Seconds later, and finally on the fourth bounce, Jonathan was sitting up in bed looking like an Elder who just missed getting run over by a lorry. He was not happy on so many levels.
      “We, uh, (*cough*) found some wands that we need identified…”
      Grabbing the first one, Jon looked at it carefully. “Walnetto and lizard hamstring, twelve and three-quarter inches, stiff as a nail… This one belongs to Dominatrix LaStrange.”
      “Wow!” Pounce said. “How’d you figure all that out?”
      Jon chuckled. “It says that on the manufacturing tag. The second one is ten inches, made of willow, and as flexible like a strand of al dente spaghetti. This was the wand of Tacko Malformed.”
      “Ten inches?” Jemmi snickered “And he boasted about his 'big’ wand…”
      “The wand Presley talks about isn’t the one Hairy has,” Pounce remarked.
      “Was?” Junior finally got in.
      “The wand chooses the whizzer. In this case, if you took it from him, then it may be your wand now.”
      Holding it between his thumb and forefinger, Junior looked a bit disgusted. “This was Presley’s? Is there a way to sanitize a wand?”
      “Wet-Ones will do in a pinch…” Jon offered.
      “I suggest you burn it,” Pounce said. “I’ve seen where Pres puts it and it’s not in his front pants pocket either…”
      Junior tucked it away. “I gotta ask you this… Do you know about the Dreadful Yowls?”
      “That depends,” Jon replied thoughtfully. “If you are referring to the book, then I only know about the Elder Wand, and that Groggywitch boasted he could duplicate the Wand Supremo. If we go with the movie, then I know everything including that You-Know-Who has the thing and that you don’t have a snowball’s chance in the downstairs furnace against YKW.”
      “I know who has it now, so it doesn’t matter which one we do because the readers already know about it too. Go back to your nap, Mr. Oleander. I promise not to use the airhorn again. Bongaboo? Hermouthie? Another conference.”
      “I’m beginning to rethink becoming Bong with all the names,” Pounce growled.
      Now outdoors with George, Junior hands the flask to Jemmi, who makes a face.
      “Why does Auntie Rowling have us put hair in a Follyjuice potion?”
      “Watch CSI,” Junior said. “They always find DNA at the end of a follicle. Just drink it, and then get into your cossie…”
      “You guys just want to see my cleavage.”
      “And that’s a bad thing? OW!” Pounce got out before Jemmi applied a brain-duster. She upended the potion and gagged. Then, they waited until she changed into the duplicate Bomba, er, Dominatrix cossie, and came back. “Elvira? Eat your heart out!”
      Moments later, the scene ended…

SCENE TWO: GRINGO’S

      Jemmi and Pounce hesitantly walked down the two rows of extra kittens who are dressed as Las Vegas casino dealers toward the pay-out window that had bars and two armed security guards recruited from Maccie’s Rent-a-Guard Service. Junior, with George riding piggy-back on him under the dreaded green blanket that served as the Invisibility Cloak walked next to her. In the cage, Bill Bailey was doing a word puzzle as Jemmi stood in front of him.
      “Ah-Hem…”
      Bill took the hint, and put the word puzzle down. “Aunt… uh, you aren’t Aunt Bomba, are you?”
      “I’m Dominatrix LaStrange, Bill. Live with it.”
      “They never give us the cast changes to us walk-ons,” he replied, shaking his head. “What can I do for you?”
      “I need to access my vault.”
      “Then, I need to see your wand…”
      Junior waved his wand under the green blanket. “I don’t need to see your wand…”
      “I don’t need to see your wand…” Bill repeated.
      Once more, Junior waved his wand. “I will see to this personally…”
      “I will see to this personally…” Bill repeated.
      “Come with me…” Junior said, adding a jab for emphasis.
      “Come with me.”
      “And that makes two for the Loony Star Warps bin,” Jemmi growled.
      Bill led the group to the front of the Illinois Jonesy Adventure ride at Dizzyland. Using Fast-trax, they got in their own lorry and went rolling through the ride. Although they had taken the ride several times, the film crew had added a waterfall, getting everyone wet. At the end, they were rolled out before the lorry went to the start again. At that time, all the Toms looked expectantly at Jemmi.
      “Sorry, guys,” she said, showing nothing more than the black lace outfit. “Bomba told me about getting this wet, so I have on a bathing suit under the bodice.”
      Going on, they bypassed the 'Sleeping Soundly’ ride and the wicked Malfeasant Dragon. Showing a backstage pass, Bill and George got them around that part and then up to the vault set.
      When the vault opened, the inside looked like an outlet that specialized in everything made of brass, pewter and crystal. A life-size brass statue of Bomba in the Little Mermaid pose showed that Toms handled certain portions and kept those areas well polished.
      Looking around the vault, Junior finally spotted the Helga HuffandPuff Cup, which was awarded to the member of the House who managed to successfully create a domino trail that spelled out the house name when tripped.
      “Naturally, Munkus put it on the top shelf…”
      Just as he was about to go after it, Pounce was about to polish the Bomba statue when Jemmi stepped on his tail. A living domino effect began as he pulled his tail out from under her feet, and then she bumped over a brass monkey, and that triggered the automatic inventory doors. From three sides, everything made of brass, pewter and crystal poured into the set, and started to bury everyone. Using the rubber sword of Grippingdork, Junior managed to snag the cup, which was on sale, and then they started out. Outside, George blindsided Junior, ignored the yellow card for clipping, and then grabbed the sword. He ran out as a mass of security extras came in with cap guns.
      “Bang!” they shouted. “Bang! Bang! Bang!”
      Even without the sword, Junior had managed to rescue the cup. Running back the way they came, Jemmi took the Fast-trax passage and leaped aboard the glider in the California Freeway ride. Junior and Pounce just made it as the glider was released. Through the magic of Misto and Tarfur CG Imaging companies, the glider went up through the Illinois Jonesy ride and over the lake where the Muck Twain steamboat was constantly being torpedoed. At that point, the seat dropped out from under them, and they plunged into the water just off the Old Orleans Square walkway.
      As Junior broke the surface, he saw the screen show a dream sequence of Maccie once more regretting to even being forced to play the part. Then, a news report of Gringo’s being reduced to ruins by an old B-25 bomber that was photoshopped to look like a dragon. By then, Jemmi and Pounce hauled him out of the lake, which was only as deep as him standing on his tippy-toes.
      “He knows that we got into Gringos and got the cup,” Junior said as he knocked water out of his ears.
      “How?” Pounce asked.
      “”Get real, Pounce, er, Bongest. Maccie reads the script,” Jemmi said sarcastically.
      “Right now, Voldie is supposed to be blowing away everyone from the security team,” Junior added. “He’s pissed about the part because he can’t actually kill anybody. From him, through the script, naturally, I know about the last Hardcrusties. One’s at Hogwarps and the other is his snake… And by the way, Grippy bit the big cookie and the sword disappeared… again…”
      “Where now?” Pounce asked.
      “Where else?” Junior said, shrugging his shoulders. “Hogsmudd.”
      “Huh”? Pounce and Jemmi said is unison.
      “Just go with it,” Junior said.

SCENE THREE: THE MESSING MIRROR

The scene is the main and only street in Hogsmudd -- a charming Nineteenth Century village that is mostly made up of bars, taverns and inns with one HUMUNGOUS candy store… The sign had been changed and so the movie did not show them going in to WONKAVILLE. As soon as they passed the town limits (population 42½), a klaxon that sounded like a duck laying an ostrich egg began bleating.
      “Hey, you blithering barmy sods! Get your bloody tails in here!” someone called out from the Hog’s Butt Inn.
      Jemmi, Junior and Pounce did not ask any questions, but ducked inside while a large shadow peeled away from the doorway to confront a few extras playing Breath Eaters. After a few exchanged hiccups, belches and rather vulgar expletives, the two parties flipped each other off, and the huge Tom came inside. Of course, he had to bend over to get in under the lintel and turn sideways to get in between the doorposts. His Tomly physique made Jemmi sigh.
      “You three are daft buggers to come in here like that,” the golden baritone voice of the harlequin Tom chided. “You are positively mental!”
      “We already did that one, Sebastian,” Junior said. “Hey! You’re the one in my mirror, aren’t you?”
      Sebastian pointed at the mirror that was missing a piece. “Thought it would be fun to watch your reality show. Haven’t laughed so much in years.”
      “You’re Allbuttfroth, Professor Dumbiedork’s brother, aren’t you?”
      “And that makes two for two, Putter.”
      “Where’d you get the mirror?”
      “I got it from Muddingus for a quid just because of the entertainment value.” Seb replied. “I recommend leaving at sunrise.”
      “Can’t,” Junior said. “We got to go in to Hogwarps to do something your brother… You don’t look anything like Old D, you know that?”
      “You know anyone who does?”
      “No…”
      “I rest my case… Why do you want to attend Der Munkusführer’s merry little band?”
      “We don’t,” Junior said. “Professor Dumbiedork gave me a job to do.”
      “Floor sweeping or loo cleaning? Look, kid. Rocky, you’re not -- not the boxer or the squirrel. My bro is dead, so go get married, raise a bunch of rugrats and forget this place.”
      “Aren’t you in the Odor of the Kleenix?”
      “Keyword here is 'was’, kid. The Odor was bleach cleaned by YKW.”
      “Do we really want to go through all this blather about Old D’s character, AKA your brother”, Junior said, “and burst the bubble that he’s really not a goody-goody two-shoes like everyone thinks he is?”
      “Lemme give you the Cliff Notes then,” Seb said, nodding. “One, he doesn’t tell you everything behind what he tells you to do. Two, everyone that he 'cared about’ winds up dead or confined to the booby-hatchery. Three, he didn’t like taking care of our sister when she lost her mind… Uh, Junior?”
      “Yeah?”
      “You tell Gennie any part of this stuff, and I’ll strap you to the wing of a 747 bound for New York in January. Got it?”
      “Yeah.”
      “Let’s see, one, two, three… Four, he and Grinandbearit tried to be buddy-buddy while my sister freaked out.
      Jemmi decided to change the subject. “Who is that in that painting over the fireplace?”
      “My sister, Fairyrama,” Seb said carefully. His sister Genevieve stuck her tongue out at him. “She does all sorts of things and doesn’t mind me… just like real life…”
      As the large harlequin Queen turned and disappeared behind the black curtain, Junior nodded at the now-empty picture frame. “Where’d she go?”
      “Probably to the loo, but for the pic here, she’s gone to get somebody.”
      Alonzo suddenly came flying through the curtain of the picture frame, and Gennie came out, brushing off her hands.
      “He tried feeling me up, and then said something about having too much to hold.”
      The black-white Tom shook his head to make sure nothing rattled around inside his skull. “It was dark in there, and all I could see was a female shape. I thought it was Exotica.”
      “Slight color difference, Lonzo, er, Nullville,” Jemmi said.
      “Well, whatever. You wanna go to Hogwarps? The only secured way is through here. Snacks and his stormpoopers control every other way in. Be prepared for the worst because the Hogwarps set has changed…”

SCENE FOUR: THE LOST DIAPER…

The scene changes to what looks like a Nineteenth Century Coed Dormitory room with hammocks, futons, air mattresses -- all sorts of means to sleep, rest, and all that other stuff except an actual bed… As soon as the door to the room opened, there was the echoing sound of wands being pulled out of pockets and holsters as Alonzo came out. He froze…
      “Ah, crap,” Pettipaws growled. “It’s only Nullville and Hairy… HAIRY!?”
      Variations of “Hairy?” (along with 'Who’s hairy?’ ’I’m not Hairy' 'I’m furry’) swept through the Room of Requiem. Alonzo was pushed out of their way as the remnants of Dumbiedork’s Army (and Good Humor Vendors) surrounded Junior, Jemmi and Pounce. The first to get to Junior was Augie.
      “Who cares who’s furry, 'cause we’ve got Hairy…? If that’s any consolation…”
      “Thanks a lot, Augie.”
      “Okay, what’s the plan?”
      Junior blinked, which was partly because of the nerd glasses, and looked around at all of the expectant faces. “Well… Bongus, Hermouthie and I have a job to do, and then we’ll out on the road again…”
      “What do you need to do?”
      “We need to find something…”
      At that point, every cast member (and a few others) came out of the woodwork, the woodpile, the wood shavings and anything else made of wood. Dressed in their red fright wigs, and not looking very happy were the Dark Twins. Tantomile shook her head.
      “You have not told us the plan yet…”
      “That’s because there isn’t any!” Pounce growled.
      “You’re going to make it up as we go? That’s typical…”
      “Okay, here’s what we got,” Junior finally said. “There’s something in the castle, something hidden…”
      Alonzo nodded. “Right! What is it?”
      Junior looked at Jemmi and Pounce. “We don’t know…”
      Still clueless, Alonzo asked, “Where is it?”
      Junior grinned sheepishly. “We don’t know that either…”
      Alonzo shook his head to clear it. “Huh?”
      “Third Base…” Spreading his hands, Junior tried to get out of the schtick. “We think it has something to do with Roweewee Ravingmad and has her favorite bird on it…”
      “The Dodo?” Pettipaws said. “Dat would be da Lost Diaper of Ravingmad, and it’s been lost so 'ave fun fionding it. Besides. Da fact dat it’s a Diaper moight be da reason it’s lost.”
      “Uh-huh,” Junior nodded. “How long ago?”
      “Centuries. Dat kinda means dat nobody aloive 'as seen da ting…”
      For a few seconds, nothing happened and everyone started looking around. Suddenly, Cettie was pushed out in front of Junior. She looked at him blankly (her normal expression), and then waved.
      “Hi, Gussie… What am I doing here?”
      Junior massaged the bridge of his nose. “You’re supposed to tell me that Headmustard Snacks knows that I was in Hogsmudd last night.”
      “I am? Why?”
      “That’s all right, Cettie, dear. I’ll tell you later…”
      Drawing Jemmi aside, Pounce whispered in her ear. “That’s how he gets outta things with Cettie. He tells her that and she forgets about it minutes afterward…”

SCENE FIVE: THE SUCK-UP OF SERVUS SNACKS

Scene is the Great Hall… The candles are gone. The banners are gone. Everything is painted and ornamented in Silver and Black… and a dark shade of split-pea green… The four houses of Hogwarps are arranged in phalanxes in the middle of the Hall. The room is as cheerful as a mausoleum… On the dais where the teachers used to sit, Munkus stands is his less-than-stellar dark split-pea green robe, nursing a hangover… or at least looking the part.
      “I realize the book has this happening in the Ravingmad’s Commons Room, but this is the picture and Auntie Rowling is probably wondering when she wrote this bit… Anyhoo, let’s go with this before I need a tranquilizer… It has been brought to my attention that Hairy Putter has been seen in Hogsmudd. If anyone here has aided him in any vay, you VILL be punished!!!” Munkus stopped, and shook his head. “Sorry… All this reminds me of a WWII movie and I am in the Gazpacho… Well?”
      “Hey, Snackie! That’s not your turf and never was,” Junior said, coming out of the middle of the Grippingdork’s phalanx. Behind him, the remaining Odor of the Kleenex members, Bongfest, Hermouthie, and the Third Armored Division… (Sorry, got carried away…) came in to back him up.
      “Putter…” Munkus growled and drew his wand. However, Jellylorum came out and pointed hers back. “A Gringo’s standoff, I see. Well, I must flee… fly! TA!”
      Running toward the back of the set, Munkus does his best Superduperman impersonation and launches through the window. There is a crash of stage glass, and Munkus disappears.
      “Ow…” is briefly heard through the hole.
      At this point, there is a blare of feedback, and Maccie’s voice is heard…
      “Am I Online? Yes? Very well… You are preparing to fight, but you must know, and I hate this phrase just as much as you do, that resistance is futile…” There were several groans and a smattering of dry heaves. “Give me Hairy Putter, and I will reward you by sparing your pitiful and insignificant lives…. (ZZZZIIIITTTT!!!!) I am truly starting to enjoy that… You have until midnight… That is all…”
      At that point, Miranda slinked out to center stage and vamped. “There’s Putter! Somebody grab him…”
      Before anyone could move, Cettie came shrieking in and body-tackled Junior. “He’s MINE!!! Wheeeeee! ~thud~”
      Miranda shook her head, and stomped back to her place in the Sleazerin group. “My big scene ruined…”
      Then, Gus Senior came waddling in. “Students out of bed! Students in the corridors! Alarm! Alarm! Man the battlements…!”
      Jelly massaged the bridge of her nose before she grabbed Gus Senior. “I love this line, but don’t take it to heart, Gus, dearie… The students are supposed to be, you blithering idiot!”
      Gus stopped in the middle of the hall and applauded. “Bravo, my dear! You said that as if you meant it. Oh… my lines… um… Sorry, mum…”
      She waved him off. “That’s all right, dearie. Now. I want you to take Miss Vamp here and the rest of Sleazerin down to the dungeons.”
      “Yes, mum… uh, now what?”
      “Take them off stage!!! And to think some fans believe we were an item…” Jelly muttered as Gus Senior and the Sleazerin phalanx went off into the wings. “Okay, Mister Putter. What are you doing here, other than seriously contemplating suicide by Maccie?”
      “I need to find something, so I need time,” Junior said.
      “What is it?”
      “I don’t know.”
      “Third base,” Jelly smirked.
      “Right… And they say I’m mental…” Junior said, moving to collect Jemmi and Pounce.
      A klaxon went off, reminding everyone of someone strangling a rooster at 4AM, and everyone started doing a group scatter scene where one person becomes ten with slight changes of dress and accessories. Jemmi and Pounce stop with Junior.
      “Hermouthie and I are going to look for something to destroy a Hardcrusties with and we think the way you did in the dairy…”
      “Diary,” Jemmi corrected.
      “Whatever… is how we can do it.”
      “Fine,” Junior said. “I’ll take Looney and look for the Lost Diaper.”
      Meanwhile, Jelly had Alonzo on her elbow. “You mean I get to do it?” he said.
      “Yes,” Jelly nodded. “Just remember. You press the button, and run like a Pollie was on your tail, because things will go BOOM real quick.”
      “Wicked…” he said, and Jelly grabbed the front of his robes. “Uh… that’s not a dig at you and your cossie, Aunt Jelly.”
      “Ye realize ye cannae stop You-Know-Who for long…”
      “Maybe not, but I’ll give it a rum go… and then go for rum…” Jelly said, and then waved her wand. “Herecomestoto Dothelocomotion!”
      “Ach, Auntie Rowling will be rollin’ in her grave…”
      “Dearie? She’s not dead yet…”
      “She will iffen she reads this twaddle…”
      “And the statues and armor suits will be animated by the CG and the magic crew…” Electra growled from the wings.
      Jennyanydots came up alongside Jelly, and looks a bit blankly at the imagined scene of huge statues of NFL Linebackers marching out with assorted weaponry. Jelly grins.
      “I’ve always wanted to use that spell…”
      “You always were a barmy Queen, Jelly.”
      “Watch this.” Jelly pulls out what looks like a cell phone with a gold cover. She flips it open and turns a dial. “I realize this communicator is old school, but it works. Raise shields!”
      Aided by Khan, Misto, Adonis, Merlin, Spectre and Nightchaser, a gold bubble formed around the model of the castle where a webcam would film the effect and create a CG scene for the film. Jelly snorted.
      “A little Starch Treat, but Maccie had to use the Borg 'resistance’ line…”

SCENE SIX: THE BATTLE OF HOGWARPS

Scene shows Hairy running up the stairs with Estella behind him.
      “Hairy?” Estella gasps. “Where are we going? We need to talk to someone who’s not alive, right?”
      “Uh, yeah…?”
      Estella gave him a thoughtful look, which always appears to be slightly blank. “So… because we need someone who’s not alive, then that means they’re dead, and a ghost. Here at Hogwarps, we got plenty of them. And since you are looking for the Lost Diaper, we need to find a ghost that was in Ravingmad, and that ghost is Roweewee Ravingmad… And I know where she hangs out.”
      “Not another girl’s bathroom, I hope… OW! ” Junior complained as Estella thwacked his ear with a flick of a finger.
      “She’s in the Haunted Tower, naturally.”
      “Naturally.” Grinning, Estella ran off the set, leaving Junior a bit stunned. “Little Stella scored one again… Okay… Who plays the Gray Lady?”
      “You’re not gonna like it,” Electra said dryly.
      “That bad?”
      “Topper in drag…”
      Junior massaged a temple where a migraine was flaring. Sure enough, Topper came out in a gray wig, gray dress and gray high heels, and he was definitely NOT a happy camper.
      “Okay, kiddo,” he said in falsetto. “Robbie D might like doing it in Shylock Homie, but I don’t. Let’s make this quick 'cause this bra is cramping my style, and I got a run in my right stocking.”
      “Do you know where the Lost Diaper is?”
      “There’s a reason why the darn thing is missing, you know that? It was one of my mom’s Depends and she had chili the night before…”
      “That’s an image I didn’t need, Topper,”
      “Tough toothpicks, Junior… er, Putter. Look, one of the ex-students of this place…”
      “Tom Puddle…”
      “Yeah, him. He claimed he could clean the thing, so I gave it to him.”
      “Where did he put it?”
      “In a place where everything is hidden…”
      “That doesn’t help much.”
      “Okay, try this. If you have to ask, you’re barking up the wrong tree. If you know, you only need to ask.”
      As Junior stands there, looking as blank as his mate, Cettie, there was a sharp 'Ta-dump-dump’ with a cymbal crash -- meaning that a Vaudeville joke was uttered… Topper shook his head and hitched his falsies up a tad.
      “Well, the storyline says it’s the Room of Requirement, but the crew calls it the Prop Room. Go figure… Oh, if you find it? It’s all yours.”
      As Junior left the tower set, he murmured, “I should never have agreed to let Murray become my agent…”
      When he found Jemmi and Pounce, he noticed that both of them had wet hair. Pounce managed to beat Jemmi to the first line.
      “We remembered that you stabbed the diary with the Bathysnark tooth. That really pissed off the Tooth Fairy, so we got a deal on the rest of them. We stabbed that HuffandPuff trophy, and the Effects Crew stopped up all the toilets except one. When it blew, we got on a water ride that was really great.”
      “I hate to ask this, but in what way?”
      Jemmi growled. “I was wearing a white shirt with little else, and my shirt got, um…”
      “Wet…” Pounce grinned.
      “The old wet tee-shirt gag, right?” Junior said, rubbing his temple again.
      “Works for me,” Pounce replied. “Besides. I got to snog her good and proper on camera!”
      Junior shook his head. “I definitely need to get totally sloshed tonight…”
      A recording of the 1812 Overture came on using live six-pound Napblownapart cannons instead of bass drums. Because of the number of sub-woofer speakers through the set, the 'castle’ shook. They watched a screen that looked like the Jellicle version of the Spartan stand at Thermopoly -- which was only 3 guys with a machine gun on Boredwalk so no one could pass GO… Maccie’s extra began launching water balloons at the model of the set. The CG crew would substitute the Starship Boobyprize with Hogwarps Castle, and run one of the scenes where it is getting pummeled by photon torpedos.
      Then, the scene turned to the curvey bridge that looked like a railroad trellis. Alonzo watched as the British Bomb Squad of the Windsor Bobbie Socks and Demolition Team put wads of bubble gum that was supposed to be C-4½ plastique explosives in the struts. As they cleared out, every extra that was on the Maccie side of the castle model now came over to the other side. Yang did not look pleased as he led the group up to the Weight Limit sign.
      “I have a bad feeling about this,” he said as he looked at Alonzo making faces at him. “Send in one of the guys with the red shirts on.”
      One of Maccie’s Enforcers stepped onto the bridge, and the trapdoor opened. Screaming like a girl, he plummeted into the Snarkbutt’s open mouth… (Our apologies to George Lowcost for the use of his Eppysode Six desert monster.)
      “I guess we wait…”
      Alonzo guffaws. “Nanner-nanner-nanner, Scabbie! You can’t get to me!”
      Just then, Maccie is shown pointing the Other Wand at the shield, and the generators blow. On the bridge, the lights go out, and Alonzo looks at the gauge that shows the status of the shields. The arrow now indicates that the shield is down, so the trapdoor does not work…
      “Oooops,” Alonzo grinned sheepishly. “Uh, no hard feelings?”
      “CHARGE!!!” Yang said, pointing at Alonzo, who turns around and begins running for dear life…
      “I’M GONNA DIE!!!” he yells to the other side, and begins running back toward safety. “Feet don’t fail me now!!!”
      Of course, Cettie is the one nearest to the detonator, and she has no idea what is going on (which is typical). She is getting bored and tired, and so she sits on the plunger to the detonator, and the charges to the train model bridge start going off. In the CG version, the bridge begins to blow apart piece-by-piece behind Alonzo. Just as it seems like he will make the other side, that piece of walkway goes out from under him, and he disappears…
      “Oh, no,” Cettie says as the screaming fades, and then everyone realizes the screaming was familiar.
      At that moment, the scrabbling of claws indicates someone was hanging on to dear life. Seconds later, Alonzo’s head pops up -- and he is panting.
      “Well? Somebody give me a hand!”
      Cettie and the others applaud with enthusiasm while Alonzo nearly lets go.
      “That went well!” Cettie said as she helps him climb onto what is left of the bridge.
      The group then marches off, whistling the Colonel Bogey March…
      Meanwhile, back at the model set, Electra informs everyone that that the statues are now getting crocked by trolls and giants, played by the smaller kittens from the Junkyard and Heathrow. The Battle for Hogwarps has now reached the point of a Third-Grade indoor recess period during a snowstorm… The storming of the beaches during D-Day in Saving Ryan’s Butt looked like a summer family picnic compared to the carnage of the Jellicle Company playing the battle scene. While the crowd surges up and down the forever stairs on the set, Gus Junior finds Cettie. After picking himself up from one of Cettie’s huggle tackles, he snogs her good and bounces up the stairs. Unbeknownst to Junior, Presley has snagged Poseidon and Victor and they are following him. Junior stops in front of a blank wall of the set, and the wall revolves to show a door. He waits until it stops, and then he opens it and goes through. Victor and Poseidon are pushed through it by Presley.
      Pounce and Jemmi are consulting the Moderator’s map -- which shows all the cheat codes for the castle and the game of AD&D going online.
      “Here he is,” Pounce says, pointing at the section that says, 'Here there by Dragons.’ “And there he goes,” he continued as the nametag disappeared.
      “That means he just found the Prop Room,” Jemmi nodded. “Let’s go!”
      “But what he got eaten by a dragon?”
      Pounce grimaces as Jemmi grabs him by an ear and drags him off stage.
      In the Prop Room, Junior begins to wander through an attic sale that would make a pack rat’s nest look sparse and clean. For a while he looks completely lost until he figures what he is looking for…
      “Now what would smell like petrified digested chili…?”
      Taking a huge sniff, he turns and walks up to a pile of Huggies© boxes. Pushing them aside, Junior finds the one diaper that had the picture of the Dodo bird in its impersonation of “Heyo Kitty”. The scent of petrified garlic and tomato sauce intensified as he cleared the rest of the stuff away.
      “Hey, Putter? Still wanna play this stupid part? You’re now outnumbered three to one,” Presley says as he comes out backed up by Victor and Poseidon. All three have their wands pointed at Junior.
      “It still has top billing, so yeah…”
      “You have something of mine.”
      “This?” Junior holds up the wand. “What’s wrong with the one you’re using?”
      “It’s my mother’s…”
      “I wondered why it was pink.”
      “It still will do you in…”
      “HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY…” Pounce says as he comes from offstage, hanging from a chandelier, and disappears off the other side of the stage, where there is a crash of crystals. Jemmi comes in looking exasperated.
      “Darn Pounce…” she mutters. “Why do I always have to save Hairy Putter’s tushie?”
      “Because I’m cute and you don’t want to see Cettie cry over my body?”
      “Point to Junior,” she says. “Custard Pieus!”
      Presley manages to close his eyes in defeat as a custard pie smacks into his face. “I hate this part…”
      “Run Away,” Victor screams as Jemmi grabs another bake sale item.
      Jemmi gets a scone but cannot use it as Pounce goes by, dressed in a US Cavalry uniform, straddling a hobbyhorse, and pointing a rubber saber and blowing Charge on a kazoo. Junior and Jemmi look at each other, and Jemmi makes the “He’s crazy!” gesture and pointing in Pounce’s direction. Seconds later, there is a distinct glow, and Pounce’s voice is strident in the distance…
      “RETREAT!!!”
      Now sans the hobbyhorse and cavalry uniform, Pounce goes by them, screaming like a girl. Junior looks at the glow, now rapidly approaching. Jemmi starts backing up.
      “I don’t like the looks of this…” Junior said before Electra comes up with a 2000-watt lantern. A placard around her neck says, “FIRE! RUN!”
      “RUNNNNNNN!!!” he yells.
      “What about the Lost Diaper?” Jemmi yells back at him as they head for the exit.
      “Let it burn!!!”
      Pounce reappears. “The door is locked!”
      Junior looks around. “This is a prop room! They gotta have them…”
      Sure enough, three slightly used Hoovers leaned against the wall. Each of them grabs one, and thanks to Fly Technology and the magic of Magick and CG, the three begin to fly toward the flashing sign that reads: “EXIT”. Along the way, they see Presley, Poseidon and Victor climbing up a stack of Spells for Dummies books, third edition.
      “Sorry, Seidon,” Victor says as he kicks him off the pile and into the CG Fire. “I always wanted to do that at Heathrow…”
      Meanwhile, the scene shows Victor and Presley on top of the pile and Junior, Jemmi and Pounce flying by them.
      “We got to go back for them,” Junior said.
      “Are you nuts?” Pounce replied, and then grinned. “I love this line. If we die for them, I’m going to kill you!”
      In a brilliantly choreographed CG and magic display of aerobatics, Junior snags Presley by the tail while Pounce gets Victor to grab hold of the hose attachment to the Hoover. Following Jemmi, who gives all four guys a good tush to view, they zoom through the fire doors, and they close. Inside the prop room, the extinguishers go off, but not before they show the Lost Diaper burning up with a green cloud going up… Victor and Pres run like scared kittens…
      Cut to Maccie -- he is pinching the bridge of his nose and muttering, “Why am I reduced to performing in this drivel…” When one of the extras spouts the line, “My Lard…” Maccie shakes his head.
      “I wish I was doing this for real… Abra Cadaver!” The extra makes a very dramatic death fall, and Maccie shakes his head. “Amateurs…”
      Maccie scoops up the fire hose that was his snake. “Come, Nagging. I have to keep you safe for a few scenes so I can make you into a nice pair of slippers after the film…”
      They vanish…
      Junior rubs his head. “It’s the snape, er snake… It’s the last Hardcrustie.”
      “Voldie put one inside the snake?” Pounce remarked. “Bloody marvie-poo. How tough is that gonna be to kill it?”
      “Auntie Rowling had to put someway in the book,” Jemmi said. “First, we need to find out where old Voldie is. Hairy? Dial up on Maccie’s brain and tell us where he is.”
      “Or look it up in the script,” Junior said. “Guess what? Part one of PART TWO ends here when I tell you he’s in the boat dock… This place has a boat dock?”
      “We use the executive swimming pool,” Jemmi replied. “Part Two of TWO. Great. Dibs on the appetizer at Aunt Jenny’s!!!”
      “Mental…” Pounce said glumly. “This is all mental…”

CREDITS

This is a Rumblepurr Films, Ltd. Production

A Jellicle Parody Entertainment

Unaffiliated with Mustardpiece Theater, Inc.

Directed and produced by Rumblepurr

Co-directed and produced by Altaica

Co-directed and produced by Domino

Since no one is playing money for the preceding drivel, we calmly announce that this parody is definitely not officially recognized by RUG, the Film Industry in general, the RSPCA or the Geneva Convention…

Filmed completely without the permission of anyone whose property we happened to be on at the time, and without the consent of any government.

Castle produced by Sand Blasters R Us

No Animal or Jellicle was harmed during the filming of this Parody.
A few were pissed off at being pulled, pushed, or otherwise required to be in it…
All Jellicles are permitted to free therapy according to the Compensation Act of 1842.

Most of this parody was shot at the Paramint Studios of Southwest Cucamonga.
The rest was just shot…

Special Effects provided by Mister Mistoffelees Magic Company
And by Tarfur’s Computer Geeks, Ltd.

Casting Director
Old Deuteronomy

Catering was provided by Jenny’s Bar & Grill Emporium of Northeast Cucamonga
Green Room hors d’oeuvres provided by Momma O’Really’s Vomitorium.

***** Finis *****
(Now Go Home…)

***** End of Part One of PART TWO *****

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