PART THREE (06/08/2010)
PROLOGUE: Yeah, Yeah… I know… ten more chapters? Just what does Auntie Rawling eat, drink, or smoke to churn out this much stuff? Whatever it is, I would like to find it and get a heavy supply of it. You know something? Hearing how she managed to write only seven books and make a gazillion smackers is really sickening. I mean, do you like hearing these people who flips a dollar on the counter for ONE measly lottery ticket, as an AFTERTHOUGHT, and they win millions of Washingtons? “Being a millionaire isn’t gonna change me – I’m still gonna go to work tomorrow.” Yeah, right. If I won that big pile of moolah, I would stand in front of my Boss’ door, flip him off, then moon them and say, ‘Sayonara, sucker!’
(*Ahem*) Of course that will only happen the day before I kick the bucket. Or be the reason I have a heart attack. (*Sigh*) Well, back to this loser… Hairy continues to have the dry heaves as he chooses Bongeroo as the Grippingdork Squeaker, and he works out after Hairy fakes giving Bong the Wonder Boy a bit of Lady Luck. Meanwhile, we are getting a few hints here and there that someone has less-than-cordial thoughts toward Dumbiedork. There is the cursed Opera VCR tape and the knockout formula in a bottle of booze. And then we have Bonger’s B-Day party and the hangovers that occur afterward. Oh, wait! That was the CAST party that created all the hangovers…
Anyhoo, we have the last ten chapters to plow though, and the Rumpus knows we’ve tried with a Peterbuilt… And so, grab hold of your watered-down soft drink that you paid through the nose for; your tub of artificially buttered popcorn that you paid through the nose for, and get back to your seat that you paid through… well, you get the idea… Get back to your seat and prepare yourself for the conclusion of Hairy Putter and the Half-Drunk Putz brought to you by the Cucamonga Jellicle Players and Graffiti Painters.
OPENING CREDITS
A RUMBLEPURR PRODUCTION
A FLY-By-NIGHT FILM
Directed and Produced by Rumblepurr
Assistant Director: Altaica
Assistant Director: Domino
Stage Manager: Electra
Special Effects: Nightchaser, Mistoffelees & Company
CHARACTER PROGRAM (In order of Forced Appearance)
CHARACTER
Breath Eaters
The Narrator
Hairy Putter
Prof. Almost Dumbiedork
Prof. Horseface Sluggard
Mrs. Molly Wheezy
Mr. Allbutt Wheezy
Bong Wheezy
Hermouthie Grungee
Gunny Wheezy
Farsissy Malformed
Dominatrix LaStrange
Professor (Servus) Snacks
Nympho Tookus
Gorge & Fried Wheezy
Tacko Malformed
Looney Loveless
Crabby
Boil
Professor Flickwrist
Prof. (Mini) McGoneagain
Young Tom Puddle
Boremutt MacWagon
Dumb Thermos
K.T. Bull
(Rubik) Haggis
Lavaliere Bruin
Romulan Vane
Nullville Logbutt
Arrgghh Flinch
Professor R.J. Lumpkin
Madame Pomfries
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CATS PERFORMER
Yin & Yang
Purrcival
Asparagus Jr. (Junior)
Old Deuteronomy
Zhion (Heathrow’s answer to Sean Connery…)
Jennyanydots
Skimbleshanks
Pouncival
Jemima
Cettie
Sundancer
Bombalurina
Munkustrap
Artemis (TJC -- after séance)
Coricopat & Tantomile
Presley (on bail from Heathrow)
Estella
Poseidon (escaped from the Heathrow Asylum)
Victor (bit part, but better than nothing)
Sacramentor (Protesting from Heathrow)
Jellylorum
Merlin
Tugger
Benoni (TJC)
Athena (TJC)
Quaxo (TJC)
Miranda (TJC)
Amanda (TJC)
Alonzo
Gus [Senior]
Onyx (HH -- Subbing for Silv from HP3)
Fawn (HH)
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Please NOTE: Some characters were no longer be “with us” by the end of the TJC series, but this is a parody… After all, they filmed the “Haunted Mansion” and got away with it… AND there ARE ghosts in Harry Potter movies…
Anyone else is pulled off the street, given a script and costume, and thrown in front of the camera. Filmed on location (which is undisclosed for anonymity reasons) and at the Panamint studios without their permission…
THE GREEN ROOM
Pounce came awake while lying on the rug. He groaned from the effort of just opening his eyes. His mouth felt like someone stuffed one of Tugger’s sock in it… They had…
“BLEEEEH!” he retched, pulling out the sock. “What in the lower basements is going on here, and who did this!?”
Shadowdancer suddenly loomed over him. The big Black Tom had a pair of tongs, and he was holding them with a chemical glove on that hand. Using the tongs, he picked up the sock, then placed it in a Hazmat containment box, and hastily closed it.
“We all voted for it, and since Tugger was immune to his own socks, he did the deed.”
After using an entire bottle of TongueWash -- that super-minty mouthwash and drain cleaner, Pounce was able to somewhat clear the taste of the sock off his tongue. “Okay, now for the sixty-nine kibble question. 'WHY’?”
Jemmi came in and applied the brain-duster. “You were on the karaoke machine singing I’m 'Enry the Eighth, I Am’ and you were on the sixteenth verse…”
Rubbing the spot at the back of his head, Pounce looked puzzled. “But that song only has one verse and Herman’s Hermits made the second verse 'same as the first’… Oooooh…”
“And the four watt bulb comes on,” Deme said as she came in with Bomba behind her.
“And promptly burns out.”
“Hey!” Pounce protested.
“It was so annoying…” Munkus said he collected both of his mates, snogged them royally and then remembered he had left the sentence hanging. “…that Silvermane and Seb were thinking of seeing if you punted further than Presley did.”
Jelly came in holding her forehead but arm-in-arm with Jenny. Both were laughing, then groaning, and then laughing at the groaning, and then groaning from the laughing. Bomba shook her head.
“Now I know where all the dregs in the not-quite-empty bottles go.”
Deme nodded. “Not most of it, Bomba.”
“Why? Where does that go then…?”
Giving her Mate-Sister a knowing glance, she pointed at Skimble who was wearing two ice bags for earmuffs. Bomba nodded.
“Gotcha, Deme.”
Pounce looked around. “Where’s Gus Junior and Cettie?”
“Isn’t your trailer next to theirs?” Jelly asked, getting her cossie.
“No it isn’t,” complained a small white Tugger Tom. He looked like he got little, if any, sleep last night. “Nicci and I could hardly hear our own howling because of the stereo effect of these two,” he said, indicating Jemmi & Pounce, “and those two…” he said, pointing outside.
“Poor whittle Bog Brush,” Mentor said as he came in. “Nicci told me to tell you she’s having your facility towed closer to the freeway so she can rest.”
“Thanks, Mentor…”
Just then, Junior and Cettie came in, looking well-rested and awake. The Green Room went suddenly quiet before Munkus came over.
“Why and How can you look so… so… cheerful?”
Junior grinned, and pulled Munkus slightly away from Cettie. “You know how Cettie likes games, right?”
“So far, I’m with you…”
“To her, sex is a game and she likes winning…”
“So when did you sleep?”
“Well, she falls to sleep after her victory dance, and that gives both of us ninety minutes to nap before she wakes up and wants to play 'horsey’ again.”
“Horsey?” Munkus asked and then held up a hand to stop Junior’s reply. “No, wait! I know that game, only with Bomba and Deme, it involves trick riding…”
“Trick riding?”
Deme chuckled suggestively. “Yee-Haw!”
Bomba leered. “Sometimes even some roping…”
Tugger took that time to wander in -- his collar draped over his shoulder, his belt not quite cinched up on his hips, and the scarf that is usually on his thigh was down around his ankle. Munkus came over to him.
“Dare I ask how your night went?”
“Munkie? You have two mates… You tell me how you survive, and I will tell you my war stories, all right?”
“War stories?”
“You know, brother mine? You have a problem of repeating things at times…”
Electra came to the door. “Okay, People, and I use that term loosely in here. You have ten minutes to make the sound stage before I get the bullhorn out… Quaxo has the morning afterparty beverage waiting for you…”
“HOLEY MOLEY…” came a scream from the sound stage.
“And it’s a tad strong… Get…”
Alonzo shook his head. “Well, if we’re gonna die, we might as well go out in a bang…”
HAIRY PUTTER and the HALF-DRUNK PUTZ
PART TWO
SCENE TWENTY-ONE: THE UNKNOWABLE ROOM
Purrcival takes a sip of the fizzing clear glass in front of him, makes a face, and then picks up his book. He glares at the camera and looks as official as he can…
“The Unknowable room…” he said glumly. “Like that is believable…”
“Poircey…” Rumpelteazer said from behind Camera One. “Dis 'ole ting is 'Airy Putter’. 'Ow believable is dat?”
“Point to you on that… What was Auntie Rowling on when she put this one in? I mean we already have a Room of Requiem that pops in and out and now we have… the camera on…”
“Ya are really gullie-bull, Poircey…”
“Good evening, ladies, gentlemen and those who wear the wrong clothes on purpose, and a dubious welcome back to the sixth installment of that stomach-churning series of Hairy Putter. Tonight, we have the thankful conclusion to Hairy Putter and the Half-Drunk Putz. Tonight after the cast party, even he will be completely… And although I delayed as much as I could, we now return to the Jellicle Acting Troupe and Pest Control, and their destruction of the Half Drunk Putz… Oy vey…
******
The room looked as though the attic flotsam and jetsam of the entire city of Los Angeles and its suburbs was dumped inside it. Somewhere in one corner, almost as testimony to that fact, there was a 1958 Edsel blue-and-white Citation parked there in excellent condition. Rumors around the set were that Headmaster Dumbiedork had bought it new, parked it in the staff lot at Hogwarps, and the senior students teleported pieces of the car into the room and reassembled it. After a few decades, the car remained…
The door opened to the Unknowable Room, and a small white and blond version of Tugger wandered down one aisle and once again patted the butt of a Venus De Milo statue because that was as far as he could reach…
“Hey!”
He was tossing an apple up and down, periodically missing it and having to go out into the debris to retrieve it. By the time he got to the Vanishing Closet, the apple was not in very good shape… He stuck it inside, and closed the door. The chime of a Starch Treat transporter sounded, and he stuck his head in. Although he really wanted to find Yeoman Randy (played by Bomba in the series), the closet was empty. He closed the door again.
The chime sounded again, and Presley opened the door again. There was a red delicious apple there with a bite taken out of it. The bite just about took out the entire center within a quarter inch of the opposite skin.
“Whoa! That is one serious way to say 'Bite Me’.”
At that point, Artemis came down the aisle in her abbreviated witch’s costume. Think Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, lower the neckline to her navel, raise the hem to just before indecency, and raise the slit in the skirt side to the top of the hip, and that is her outfit. Add the pointed hat worn jauntily to one side with a black rose stuck in the band, and calf-high stiletto heeled boots, and Artemis prances on in that image. The crew of Toms salivate and groan as she comes to a stop near Presley.
“I was supposed to be in this scene later looking for the old coot. Why, I’ll never know… Pres? Close your mouth before you dry your tongue out… ta!”
There was perfect silence until Artemis went totally off stage…
Presley shook his head. “Of all the red chicks in this cast, why couldn’t they get Nicci to play her part…? We could be in all sorts of non-scenes together.”
“Wouldn’t happen,” Electra called out. “Oh, scratch the bird in the closet thing. The closest we got to a bird is the badminton kind.”
“Great… shoot me now, please.”
“Can’t do that either. We got the gun, but it only shots paintballs. The worst you’d get is a different color fur coat… either that or paint in your ear. Next scene!!!”
SCENE TWENTY-TWO: AFTER THE BURYING
Purrcival closed the book, and popped a bottle of champagne. Pouring out a glass full, he was about to take a long drink when the intercom went off.
[Mr. Purrcival? What are you doing?]
“The scene title is After the Burial. I assume that means the script, right?”
[That assumption is incorrect, and the title refers to the burial of Aragog, the King of the Spiders. Please remove the alcoholic beverage until it is time.]
“Dang…” Purrcival said, replacing the bottle back in the ice bucket and setting the bottle and bucket off to one side. “Welcome back, ladies, gentlemen, and those who enjoy potty humor. We take you back to Hogwarps where the plot and everything else is getting thicker… Oh! By the way, the book and the movie are heavily out of sync here so the titles may or may not make any sense… But then again… you are reading this parody…”
******
In the Great Hall set, Junior, Pounce and Jemmi sit at their table. Because it is breakfast, the tables are set with enough food to make the International House of Pancakes look like a vendor cart on Tenth Avenue in Manhattan. Already, Pounce is going through that never-ending stack of pancakes, which follows the magically reappearing eaten sections so one never runs out of pancakes…
“How can you stuff yourself like that?” Jemmi asked, somewhat disgustedly.
“Easy,” he said between bites. “You take a forkful, go nom-nom-nom, and then swallow. You take another forkful, go nom-nom-nom, and keep repeating…”
“Ask a stupid question…” Junior started.
And Jemmi finished it. “And you get a stupid Pouncie. Hey, Athena… um, K.T. Bull just came in…”
“In this cafeteria, how can you tell?”
“I’m reading the script and the directions say, 'And K.T. Bull enters…’ Sheeze-Louise!”
Junior gets up and intercepts the Healer’s daughter before she gets too far, and suddenly has his arm from the elbow to his fingers go numb from a nerve block.
“Sorry, Gus,” Athena apologized. “I thought Maahes was trying to grope me up when I told him to wait. Okay, to get our part over with, my answers are 'Yes,’ 'I can’t remember’, and 'Get away from me, you little creep’!”
“Huh?”
“Say your lines and that will make sense.”
“Oh, uh, do you know about the curse?” Athena ticked one finger off. “Uh, Do you remember anything about it?” and Athena ticked off the second finger, and then pointed to Presley as he tried to pat Athena’s butt, and held up finger number three.
Gus Junior looked to Jemmi and Pounce, and shook his head.
Presley looked at Athena’s fist, and then he looked at his script, and nodded. “I’m gone…” And he hurried off stage.
“What was all that about?” Jemmi asked, but Junior was already going off stage, following Presley.
“Can’t talk! Pres and I get to waste a bathroom!”
Jemmi shakes her head and watches as Pounce slowly consumes the pancakes before they can regenerate. “That’s one commercial that will never make it anymore, and we apologize to the restaurant chain of I-Hop…”
Meanwhile, both Presley and Junior find themselves in the 'Boys Water Closet’ set. For those of you in the States, that is the Boy’s Bathroom or Lavatory or… you figure it out… Both immediately reach into their robes and pull out SuperSoakers.
“Neat wand, eh, Pres?”
“How can we waste this set with water guns?” the white mini-Tugger asked.
“The set is constructed so that certain areas blow up when you hit it with water. Suck water, Tacko!”
Junior, unlike Pounce, was a lot better shot with a squirt gun. The stream hit a sink near Pres, and the sink shattered. Presley looked at the broken sink and grinned.
“Cool! This is gonna be a partay!”
And so, the two combatants began shooting everything in sight, not getting even close to each other. Sinks, urinals and toilets exploded, pipes blew and added to the water on the floor, light fixtures shattered, and general destruction was the rule. After a good ten minutes of carnage, both combatants stood panting in the center of the waterlogged room of debris.
“Okay…” panted Presley. “What happens now?”
“Did Deme give you the robe for this scene?” Junior panted back.
“Yeah…”
“First I get rid of this…” Junior said and pulled the tank off his SuperSoaker. Then, he clamped on a hose that was the same dimension. Pres put up his hands.
“I surrender!!!”
“Bye, Pres… FIREHOSUS!!!”
Pulling the trigger, the full pressure of the offstage fire hose went through the gun. The stream hits Presley squarely in the chest, and propels him against the far wall. The water stops after keeping him against the wall for about five seconds, and then he slides down onto the floor. Even Presley’s kiss-curl drooped with water…
“Was that it?” Pres groaned.
“Three… two… one…” Junior counted off. At that point, the packs inside Tacko’s robes went off, and ketchup flies everywhere.
“EEEWWW! What’d you do?”
“We had to come up with something to have Hairy blow Tacko away…”
“And that was the best they came up with…? Eeeewww…”
“Oh, shut up,” Munkus said as Professor Snack coming in with another hose, a black one, and began applying it to Presley. “Lay down and act like you swallowed a grenade.”
“After Nicci’s tuna surprise, that isn’t hard… What is that?”
“Industrial strength wet-vac…”
“And that heals me?”
“Only by direct application to the ketchup stains…”
“What?”
SSSSSSSSSSSSLLLLLLLLLLLLLUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!
“Helllllllppp!”
As the scene ends, Bombalurina shakes her head. “I’m glad they decided not to put old Moaning Mutha in that scene.”
“Why?” Deme asked.
“The way they took our every conceivable hiding place, I’d be soaked from head to toe, and I hate being wet without Munk with me.”
“He was in the scene, Bomba…”
“But with Presley?”
“Where is the Toilet Brush, anyway?”
Both Deme and Bomba looked at Munk who was now looking at the business end of the hose. Then, he shrugged. “I think he’s in the tank…”
“You getting him out, handsome?”
Throwing the hose off stage, Munk shook his head… “Either that, or Sunny claims I’m not helping out her… 'son’… You two want to help me get a clog out of the vac tank?”
“Is it like taking a hairball outta the sink?” Bomba asked.
“Only without the option of using a drain cleaner… Come on…”
SCENE TWENTY-THREE: HARDCRUSTIES
“Small wonder Auntie Rawling is a bit steamed about number 6,” Purrcival said, as he tore pages out of his book and was placing them in stacks all over his desk. “The book and the movie sure do not jive here.”
[What are you doing, Mr. Purrcival?]
“I’m trying to make sense of the book/film timespace continuum here.”
[Please desist and get back to introducing the next scene. I do not want this production to go over its time budget.]
“Then we should’ve stopped after the opening credits…”
[What was that remark?]
“I said, Right away, your Directorship… For those still with us, the action we have just seen actually occurs in Chapter 24, which is Scrotumsimper chapter…”
[MISTER PURRCIVAL!]
“Whoooo. He sure comes in loud in the earpiece… Well, that chapter is where the following action will take place in the preceding chapter… With any luck, the action after this will be after we run out of film… Now before our director has a stroke, we return you to… whatever chapter they are in… Roll 'em…”
******
Junior makes it back to the set, and Cettie takes him by the hand. Giggling, she leads him over to the Unknown Room because if anything is unknown, Cettie is the Queen of it… Her favorite answer to any question in “I don’t know”…
The two enter the room, and Junior spots the Vanishing Closet. Not knowing what it is because he does not read the script, he opens it up and a black shuttlecock flies out. Cassandra comes out in a short white blouse that is knotted under her superstructure and white short shorts and Nike sports shoes with ankle socks. She puts the business end of a badminton racket under Junior’s chin.
“Not a word to anyone…”
“Yes, ma’am…”
After shaking that one off, Junior looks around. “What are we doing here, Cettie, er, Gunny?”
“We gotta get, you know, rid of your, like, bartender’s book, totally…”
“Why?”
“Cause Jemmi really, you know, hates you, like, showing her up… for sure.”
“Okay, here’s the book.”
“Eeewww,” Cettie said, holding the book by the tips of her thumb and forefinger. “Where did you, like, keep this?”
“In my locker with everything else.”
“Gussie, you need, like, a pine tree thingie, for sure…” she said, grimacing. “Now you close your eyes and let me hide this thing…”
Junior actually knew better, but he did close his eyes. Over the next five minutes, he grimaced at every sound… The following is just a sound bite…
(*Crash!*) “Ooops…” (~thud~) “Sorry…” (*shatter, crash, tinkle-tinkle-tinkle…*) “Golly!” (~Crunch~) “Eeewww…”
Finally, Junior feels hands cover his closed eyes. “Guess who!?”
“Cettie…”
“Wow! You’re, like, real good at guessing!”
“I take it you hid the book?”
Cettie gave him her typical blank look. “Like, what book?”
“Thank you, Cettier, er, Gunny…” Junior said and gave her a serious lip-lock.
“Wow, Gussie, er, Hairy! Got any more, like, books you want me to, y’know, hide?”
Junior looked at the devastation inside the room. “Uh, not right now. Let’s go back and see what Bonger and Hermouthie are doing…”
“Who are they?”
Grinning at the camera, and pushing her in front of him, he said through gritted teeth. “That’s Pounce and Jemmi…”
“Oh. Goodie!!!”
Everyone let out a sigh of relief as the white tigress went offstage.
SCENE TWENTY-FOUR: SCROTUMSIMPER
Purrcival appeared to have a throbbing headache (he did) when the camera came on. The Mustardpiece Theater book was on the desk -- the pages taped in haphazardly.
“You have literally got to be kidding me on this,” he said.
“Why’s dat, Poircey?” Teazer said, looking around the camera housing.
“This chapter is supposed to be the one where Hairy and Tacko duel in the W.C…”
“Which dey already did…”
“Instead, we are actually doing the scene where Hairy finally gets Professor Sluggard to fess up on what he told Tom Puddle…”
[Mister Purrcival…]
“Almost there, sir… Okay… The book should now go with the film. And we return you to the Mad Hater’s Tea…
“Dat’s 'Atter, Poircey.”
“Whatever… How did that page from Alice in Blunderland get in here? (He rips that page out.) Um, just go back to the film…”
******
“So what are we supposed to be arguing about now?” Jemmi asked.
“About whether I am ever going to have any LUCK getting to Sluggard’s memory,” Junior said, and everyone groaned and dry heaved.
“Talk about me speaking loaded dialogue,” Pounce said caustically.
“That means you finally drink that stuff, right?” Jemmi said as Junior took out the flask containing the Lady Luck.
“Yep. Over the teeth and over the gums. Look out stomach 'cause I’ll need Tums©…”
“And we are NOT going to apologize for an over-the-counter remedy,” Pounce said. “Hey… Do you know there were instructions on that flask?”
“(*Burp!*)” Junior got out. “I’m not kidding about the antacids either. Let me see… “One flask equals twenty-four hours. Thus, the potion can be taken in any time factor… Rumpus. I might have wasted eight hours during my sleep.”
“Maybe you’ll get lucky with Cettie tonight,” Jemmi chuckled. “Well, I’ll spout a line here. 'What does it feel like’?”
“Excellent… A bit warm on the tummy, but excellent. The fruit is still nice and chewy, but I’ll go with the navel orange next time. The Valencia orange has seeds…”
“Hairy…” Jemmi groaned. “Go to Professor Sluggard’s now!”
“No, I feel like going to see Haggis. Trust me. I know what the script says this time.”
Junior went off the set and crossed over to the Delicatessen’s storage bay where he noticed that Zhion was clipping some leaves off of an interesting bush stashed in one corner. Junior grinned.
“I assume that’s for medicinal reasons?”
Zhion quickly put the fake box over the plant and placed the clippings in his coat pocket. “Um, Hairy? Whatsoever are ye doing here?”
“Not looking for leafy stuff, that’s for sure. You feel like going to find Haggis?”
“We’re definitely nae gaeing tae Scotland, are we?”
Junior rolled his eyes, picked them up and put them back in. “Ah… no… SHE might be still there and not in Japan…”
Instead, they hurried down to just outside the house set that folded out to become the interior set. Of course, this set piece was swiped from the Accordion on the Roof stage where it was the home of Tubya, a Russian… uh… Blue… Never mind… Anyhoo, they found Quaxo standing near what looked like an art easel that had been upholstered with terrycloth and then used as a tackling dummy for Linebacker wannabes.
“Quaxo?” Zhion asked politely. (Always a good idea to ask him politely…) “May I ask what this… ah, thing is?”
The huge tuxedo Jellicle massaged the bridge of his nose for a moment, and then sighed heavily. “This is supposed to be a very large and very dead arachnid named AmIgagged, and also supposed to be my dear, uh, 'friend’. Needless to say, I do not think Auntie Rawling would be too happy about this version of her… (Ka-ching!) book and film…”
“I agree wholeheartedly,” Zhion nodded. “I’m supposed tae collect some venom from his fangs, but I’m nae sure where they are in this… uh… specimen.”
“Just make it look like you are doing it,” Quaxo sighed again. Zhion does so, covering his less than positive moves by keeping his back to the camera. After a few seconds, Zhion tucks a couple of vials back in his pocket and then comes back up to where Quaxo and Junior are standing. He did not know whether Quaxo was method-acting or crying over his role in this parody. So Zhion sighed as well.
“I shall say a few words tae get us oot of this scene,” Zhion said. “Farewell, AmIgagged. And let us be thankful to whatever can of Raid© that blew you away.”
“Very touching, Professor,” Junior said sarcastically.
“I always was a good speaker,” Zhion said proudly. “Now according tae the script, the wake takes place in Haggis’ place… Quaxo? Do me a favor and dinnae play your accordion on the roof. By the way, 'Lady of Spain’ isnae Russian…”
The wake began in the House set, but quickly spread throughout the soundstage. Fortunately, Zhion was used to a much stronger drink than was used by props. Quaxo, being who he was, quickly succumbed… Junior was already close to tipsy from the Lady Luck, so he poured everything he was given into a potted plant. When last seen after the shoot, that plant was one of the leading contenders in the Karaoke Contest at the Panamint Studio Bar & Bait Shop. Zhion threw back another Tequila Shooter, and then noticed Junior was still sober.
“You know something, Sputter…?”
“That’s Putter, Professor.”
“Ye’re a Professor, too? Ye really are the Chosen, aren’t ye? Anyhoo, I remember your mother -- the one in the cinematic disaster, not your real one. She won a goldfish at the Hogsmudd Festival one day. She gave it tae me, and I forgot about until the smell got really ripe… Whew! I can still smell that little…”
“Professor? What does the fish have to do with anything?”
“Well, the funeral we had for Haggie’s pet just reminded me of the fish, which I promptly flushed down the loo…”
“Professor… for the sake of this scene getting over with, tell me the REAL thing that Tom Puddle asked you in that memory…”
“Memory… Not a sound from the…”
“PROFESSOR!”
“Ah… the contest at Jenny’s is later… This flask contains that spew the Dumbie likes tae trick people intae putting their faces in. I noticed that your facial fur is still growing back… Here. Try not to spill it on anything… even glass…”
SCENE TWENTY-FIVE: THE SCENE IS OVERBOARD
Purrcival was trying vainly to grab his bubble pipe, but he had spilled soap on the bowl, and it kept squirting out of his grasp, and flew three feet ahead of him. That meant he was crawling around the set until the intercom came on.
[Mister Purrcival? What are you doing?]
“Sorry… I (*uh*)… dropped my pipe when (*uh*)… I read the title… got it!”
[Please continue with your introduction. We are on Frame Eleven all ready.]
“Right on!” Purrcival gets out before the pipe once more squirts out of his hand. “Rats. Ladies and Gentletoms and those who take those funny little pills? We now return you to… uh… whatever it is we are watching… Now where did that little fraggin’ thing go this time?”
******
Now in Dumbiedork’s office and padded room, Junior watches as Old Dee puts the glop into the punch bowl, and cringes.
“Do I really gotta put my face in that?”
“In your contract. Would you rather pull my finger?”
Junior shook his head. “Why do people always have old people use that joke?”
Also shaking his head, Old Dee grabbed Junior. “It’s the craze about potty humor, I imagine. Modern comedy thinks that flatulence is extremely funny.”
“Good thing we don’t stoop that low…” Junior got out before his face went into the punchbowl. At the bottom of the punchbowl, a LED screen came on with a 'younger’ Zhion and Merlin in Sluggard’s office.
Once more, Junior felt the sizzle of his facial fur dissolving, and then watched the opening clips of the Tom Puddle Utoobe. This time, the word “Hardcrusties” took the place of the garbled word.
Zhion immediately shook his head and said that magic was very dark stuff and best left to those with good dental insurance. However, Puddle asked how it was done… and Sluggard nodded, and told him…
“Well, my boy, a Hardcrust is very similar tae a Razzie -- you sell your soul tae a grade C movie producer, and everybody laughs at ye… And that’s outside the theater…”
“So the Hardcrust is the thing you put your soul in…” Merlin said, now looking for a way out of this contract.
“Aye… Ye… Ye’ve already done this, havenae ye?”
“Seven of them… and man, they were stinkers…”
Junior gasped as he finally managed to slip out of Old Dee’s grip. “Puddle… Baldydork, or whatever his name is! He’s made seven Hardcrusties!”
“Of which we have two of them… We have the Dairy…”
“DIARY, Professor…”
Old Dee eyed Junior for a moment. “Whatever… and we have the Razzie he got from his first movie. The Lard of the Rings One-oly.”
“One-oly?”
“That’s when only one of anything was made, and they canceled the rest of the series afterward. That statue was still toxic when I found it, which is the reason why my hand is burned.”
“I thought it was because the buffalo wing from KFT was still too hot.”
“Junior…”
[Hold up. KFT?]
Junior smirked. “Kentucky Fried Thingie…”
[Sorry I Asked…]
(*Belch*) “Not as much as I am…” Old Dee said. “Come on, Hairy. We’re going to take the express to where Puddle put one of his Hardcrusties. But you have to promise me something before we go.”
“What is it, Professor?”
“You do what the script says so we can get out ASAP, got it?”
“Got it… Wait… We’re not going to… uh, you know?”
“Of course. You don’t expect me to walk, do you?”
“But I thought you couldn’t, um, you know?”
“Real line here. 'Being ME has its privileges’… Two to beam up,” Old Dee said, and they both disappeared…
SCENE TWENTY-SIX: THE BAT CAVE
Purrcival shook his head. “Yeah, right… Although if anyone couldn’t figure out the Bat Cave was under Wayne Manor by now…”
“Poircey?”
“Yes, Teazer?”
“Mistah Rumble says ta stop your kvetching and get on wit it.”
“I probably should… How we can follow Old Dee and Junior to wherever they go is beyond me, but this next scene is absolutely out-of-sight!!! Well, it would be if we had the budget of the actual film that came from Auntie Rawling’s book (KA-CHING!), Thanks for reminding me… And so, ladies and gentletoms and those who eat those interesting mushrooms, we take you to wherever Professor Dumbiedork and Hairy Putter are now…
******
The shot opens up with the shot scene the movie that you readers probably saw, The ocean is wild and a heavy surf is crashing against the rock Harry and Dumbledore are standing upon… They do a 180 around the two until they are facing the cave…
THEN, the film cuts to inside the cave… For this, the cast and crew went over to sound stage 42, which had an interior pool for scenes like this. Old Dee and Junior look around until they spot the sign that says, “This way to the Hardcrust. Admission 1 Gallup.”
“Huh?” Junior got out. “How’d we get in here?”
“Same way we got to the set. Puddle sure likes the dramatic, doesn’t he?”
“Oh, yeah. He’s hysterical…”
After paying the gate fee, they stand at a wooden dock in a dimly lit cavern. Instantly, their backs trembled as they heard…
“Yo, ho, yo ho, the pie-rats life for me…”
Junior folded his ears back and held his hands over them for good measure. “Rumpus, Professor. Is that one of Puddle’s traps?”
“No,” Old Dee said, and they went to the correct set. “I overshot our destination by taking the wrong turn at Albuquerque… [ta-dump-dump].”
“Sorry, Warmer Bothers… and Bugged Bunny…” Junior said. “Okay. I see an island out there… You sure we aren’t in the Habbit film set now and that bozo who likes rings isn’t out there waiting for us?”
“No. Besides, Pounce plays Billbutt.”
“Hey!” sounded from offstage.
“So… How do we get out there?”
Old Dee presses a button on a post nearby, and a door opens near the shore. A paddleboat comes out and sits in a slot so they can climb in. Old Dee sits in the forward seat while Junior sits on a bike contraption.
“How come I gotta be the propulsion unit?”
“If I sat back there, we’d sink. Start paddling!”
“Can we get some light in here?”
“Sure.” Old Dee pulls out a flare gun, and pulls the trigger. A phosphorus round goes up and sticks in the ceiling, but the 'underground lake’ is now visible.
“Great… Not really an improvement…”
They finally get over to the island and were relived that Gallup was not there. However, they find a Buzzed Lightmonth decoder ring in a cup… Junior is not impressed. “THIS is the great Hardcrust?! Auntie Rawling is rolling in her grave.”
“She is not dead yet, Junior.”
“If she ever reads this, she will be…” He tries to pick the ring up, and encounters a glass lid. “Hey!”
“Look at the lock, Hairy. It goes over to this water cooler. We have to drink enough of this O’Dull’s non-Beer to pull the pin out of the lid.”
“I can’t gag that stuff, professor.”
“Lucky I’ve had a Colonoscopy lately,” Old Dee said. “That stuff you have to drink to clean you out rivals ANYTHING in the world. I’ll do it…”
In the book and the movie, Old Dee as Dumbiedork has to gag the stuff down while complaining… huh… Nothing is different about this one, then… After an agonizing period of time, he sucks the water cooler dry, and belches a 7.0 on the Richter Scale. Junior picks up the decoder ring.
“It’s miinnneee! My Preccccciossssss…”
“Stop that, Junior.”
“Sorry, it was too good to pass up. Now what?”
“We’ll put the Gallap wannabees in later, but let’s just say that we made our saving throw. Two to beam back…”
“I’d rather get eaten by the zombies…”
“That can be arranged…” Old Dee said and they disappeared…
SCENE TWENTY-SEVEN: THE LIGHTNING STRUCK CONTRACT
“Wishing it were mine…” Purrcvial said, and then looked into the camera. “We are nearly at the end of the movie, so buck up ladies and lassies and rovers of every kind. This and three more… So, back to the movie where things get a little dicey…”
******
As usual when something horrible is going to happen -- like when the monster is about to leap out and eat everyone in sight…”
“We’re all GONNA DIE!!!” Alonzo shouted from off stage.
“Shut up, Lonzo,” Junior mutters. “The only good thing about this next scene is Bomba finally shows up… Why does it always have to rain and lightning and thunder in these scenes?”
“Because it’s not as effective to have a horror scene in the sunlight with birds chirping and all… I’ve been waiting for this scene for a long time… I get to kick off…” Old Dee chuckles. “Okay, Junior, this is my swan dive song, and that means you are out of the scene.”
Junior goes to the stairs and starts down and meets Munkus on the way up. The Silver Tabby shakes his head and goes 'Shhhhh!’
Hiding in a closet, Junior hears Bomba with a couple of extras starting up the stairs toward this floor…
“If you pat my butt one more time, Pres, I’m gonna throw you out the window.”
“Big deal…”
“The window that looks out over the I-15…”
“Oh… that one…”
Presley shows up and points his wand at Old Dee. “Professor?”
“Tacko… I see you finally learned to point the correct end at people. And some people I haven’t seen for a while. How’d they get in the gate?”
Pres smirked. “I used the Starch Treat teleporter in the Vanishing Closet that’s in the Room of Whatever Floats Your Boat.”
“I see… Hi, Bomba… uh, Dominatrix…”
“Hi, Old Dee. Come on, Tacko. Do it and let’s get outta this scene and over to Jenny’s.”
“Don’t need the help, Babe… I even put a laser sight on this sucker.”
“Pres, you’re supposed to wimp out,” Munkus said, coming in.
“Do I haveta?”
“According to the script. Dad? I have to blow you away.”
“I know, son. I just hope they have the mattress outside.”
“I checked. It’s one of those Posture-Pundits, so it will help you with that nagging backache you’re always complaining about.”
[DO THE SCENE ALREADY!!!]
“If Rumble is reaching that volume with the intercom turned off, we need to go forward with the end of this scene. Do it, son.”
“Here goes. Abra Cadaver…”
A green flashlight beam flashes on Old Dee, who clutches his chest, falls back against the wall, reaches out to Munkus, rolls toward the window, gasps as he grabs the window sill, faces them, and salutes like a sergeant major.
“We who are about to die, THANK YOU!”
Old Dee falls out the window… bounces into view twice before the mattress springs finally condense enough…
Munkus shakes his head. “Now we have to apologize to Gladiators everywhere…”
“You should’ve let me do it,” Pres said. “Mine had a tranquilizing dart in it, and it would’ve knocked him on his butt.”
“Well, guys, this has been real and it’s been fun, but… oh, to heck with it. I’m going down and do something I wanted to do ever since we started doing these Hairy Putter films.”
“What’s that, Bomba?” Munkus asked.
“Dance the ChaCha and the Watusi on the table tops and kick all the stuff off…”
“Have fun…”
SCENE TWENTY-EIGHT: THE FLIGHT OF THE PUTZ
Purrcival was nursing a fizzing drink in a glass. He looks at the camera and waves it off. “Okay, kiddies. The ugly skull thingie is in the sky over Hogburps, Dumbiedork has died big time and we’re almost through… Go back to the movie…”
******
Now in the Parking lot, Munkus and Junior began shooting paintballs at each other. Munkus forgets that Junior is a better shot than Pounce, and almost gets tagged.
“Give it up, Snacks,” Junior says as his 'wand’ spews red paintballs at Munkus.
“Not when I have this,” Munkus replied. He pulls back on a level on his “wand”, and a grenade launcher comes out. “Not quite a BFG9000, but it does the job.”
He fires the charge and a paintball the size of a bucket comes out. It hits Junior in the center of the chest, and lays him out.
“That was for using the FIREHOSUS spell on Tacko,” Munkus said, holding the bridge of his nose. “I invented that one because I… Rumpus, do I have to say this line?”
[We are going into Frame 16, Munkus. Do it…]
“Oh, well, my career is shot anyway… I… I… I am the Half-Drunk Putz…” and then, Munkus ran toward the bathroom…
Junior nodded. “That would make me puke as well.”
SCENE TWENTY-NINE: THE MEOWMIX LAMENT
Purrcival was drawing up a THE END sign, so the control booth just went to the film…
******
Jellylorum, Cettie, Pounce and Jemmi along with just about everyone else came out and gathered around Old Dee, who was lying on the ground… fake ground, but the ground nonetheless. At that moment, there was a flash, and a contrail that ended with a replica of Haggis’ house blowing up in a spectacular fireball.
The butter Calico shakes her head. “Bomba found one of those RPGs that was over on the RUMBO set, and said she just had to try one out… Okay, the battle’s over, and we need to do something for the end of this scene. Wands up and do the old candlelight bit. Pounce? If you start singing 'A Candle in the Wind,’ I’m having Nightchaser give me a real wand.”
SCENE THIRTY: THE RIGHT TOMB
“Da Right Tomb?” Teazer asked incredulously.
“Yes,” Purrcvial said. “Slightly like the old joke of 'Who’s buried in Grant’ Tomb.”
“It becomes 'oo’s buried in Dumbie’s tomb?”
“You got it…”
“Oi wish Oi hadn’t, Oi do…”
******
When Junior goes through the Great hall set, it is bare -- not even the floating candles are in there… He climbs up the stairs to Dumbiedork’s Office, and finds Jellylorum there.
“About time you got here.”
“Snacks killed Professor Dumbiedork…” Junior said woodenly.
“Did you know the decoder ring Dumbie and you got from the cave had a message in the secret compartment?”
“There was a secret compartment?”
Jelly shook her head. “Silly Hairy. All decoder rings have a secret compartment. Here.”
“To the Dark Lard. I am already dead so I can tell you this: I know your secret. Nanner nanner nanner… I have stolen the Hardcrust, and will destroy it. So there! Sincerely RAB. PS: I hope you lose big time…”
“Well, without Dumbiedork here, I’m gonna go solo for a while…”
“And who will get directions for you?” Jemmi said from the door.
“And who will be the fall guy for you?” Pounce said.
Jelly harrumphed. “Get outta here!”
Going to another set, Jemmi, Pounce, and Junior stand at the edge of the castle set looking out at the sunset scrim. A bird on a flying wire passes over them.
“Does that look like Fawkes?” Junior asked.
“A little…” Pounce agrees.
FFFFFFooooooOOOOOO…
All three of them are covered in… well… guess… Jemmi looks totally disgusted.
“That’s Fawkes all right… eeewww…”
“Well, at least we can go take a shower now,” Junior said…
Eeeewwww…
Purrcival hangs up the sign: THE 3ND…
CREDITS
This is a Rumblepurr Films, Ltd. Production
A Jellicle Parody Entertainment
Unaffiliated with Mustardpiece Theater, Inc.
Directed and produced by Rumblepurr
Co-directed and produced by Altaica
Co-directed and produced by Domino
Since no one is playing money for the preceding drivel, we calmly announce that this parody is definitely not officially recognized by RUG, the Film Industry in general, the RSPCA or the Geneva Convention…
Filmed completely without the permission of anyone whose property we happened to be on at the time, and without the consent of any government.
Castle produced by Sand Blasters R Us
No Animal or Jellicle was harmed during the filming of this Parody.
A few were pissed off at being pulled, pushed, or otherwise required to be in it…
All Jellicles are permitted to free therapy according to the Compensation Act of 1842.
Most of this parody was shot at the Paramint Studios of Southwest Cucamonga.
The rest was just shot…
Special Effects provided by Mister Mistoffelees Magic Company
And by Tarfur’s Computer Geeks, Ltd.
Casting Director
Old Deuteronomy
Catering was provided by Jenny’s Bar & Grill Emporium of Northeast Cucamonga
Green Room hors d’oeuvres provided by Momma O’Really’s Vomitorium.
***** Finis *****
(Now Go Home…)
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