BOOK SEVEN TRAILER (07/12/2010)
PROLOGUE: Okay, I haven’t done this type of a thing before, so I just had to be right up there with Warner Brothers. So, this is a Parody Trailer… Is there such a thing? If there wasn’t any before, there is now…
You have to wonder about this… Think about it… Sorry, I know it hurts… If they have a bunch of scenes to slap together to show you a tease of an upcoming film (First Part in November -- Second Part in July of 2011), WHY DO WE HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE BLASTED MOVIE TO COME OUT!? I mean, if you have the scenes for a trailer, then that means they must have filmed some of it! What do I think is the reason? Ka-CHING!!! Book 7 is one more of the masonry bricks that probably crashed more fragile bookshelves than WAR & PEACE and THE RISE AND FALL OF THE ROMAN EMPIRE… or maybe the hardbound & annotated & illustrated copy of the Trilogy of the Rings by JRR Tolkien… I’m sure you have those first two books in your library. After all, they are good books… to keep the doors open… I still cannot believe that Book 7 deserves TWO PARTS… However… I guess we can look at it this way. Instead of two hours to chop up a 759 page hardbound book, they spent FOUR hours (two at a time). You know what that means? They may ACTUALLY follow the book for a change instead of making Auntie Rawling shake her head and keep mumbling 'I did NOT write that…’ So, maybe having two parts for the important ENDING book is a good thing. We’ll see.
And so, sit back and hope no one disassembled your seat, wait for the theater to go dark so you can make a move on your girlfriend, boyfriend or significant whatever, and remember NOT to shout “Freebird!” when the show starts. People have been known to pour soft drinks on those who do that in a movie theater. And now, the Jellicle Equity Players and triple-B whiffle baseball team known as the Pussies present to you the, uh, trailer to Hairy Putter and the Dreadful Yowls…
OPENING CREDITS
A RUMBLEPURR PRODUCTION
A FLY-By-NIGHT FILM
Directed and Produced by Rumblepurr
Assistant Director: Altaica
Assistant Director: Domino
Stage Manager: Electra
Special Effects: Nightchaser, Mistoffelees & Company
THE GREEN ROOM
This time, the door opened without any detection devices checking out the room, and Munkustrap took four steps into the room before he stopped cold. Mistoffelees followed him in, trying to see around the Silver Tabby, and ran into his back.
“Watch it, Misto,” Munkus growled. “That’s how all the slash stories between you and Tugger got started…”
“So what’s wrong, Munku?”
“HOW does he DO this? I mean, according to Rumble, the place where the Temple, Castle Redrock and the Homeworld sits in space is over 160,000 light years away. And yet, here we are…”
** Perhaps we are in some sort of parallel universe… **
“No such luck, Tantie. I recognize this couch and the various phone numbers that Tugger has written on the walls near the phone. This is Earth and Panamint Studios, and we are in the Green Room of Studio Sound Stage 51 and delicatessen.”
“Hey, Munk?” Demeter asked as she came in followed by Bombalurina. “What is going on this time? I was going out to play in the garden, and I ended up here.”
“And what were you doing, Bomba?”
“Hoping both you and Deme were in the garden. What ARE we doing here?”
Misto had gone over to the cast table where the scripts usually sat. “Tell me when Junior comes in…”
“Junior? Why him?”
“He took over for Pounce doing Hairy Putter, right?”
“Hi, Munkus,” Gus Junior said, followed by Jemima, Pouncival and Cettie.
Munkustrap gestured “Ta-da!” at the foursome, and Misto, Bomba and Deme promptly shook their heads while massaging their temples.
“Oh, Rumpus, shoot me now!” Tugger said as he came in. “I just saw the cage they normally put Maccie in sitting out there… Oh, please… Not…”
“Tugger? Move that fat arse of yours,” Jellylorum said with Jennyanydots on her heels.
“Fat! My butt is not fat… Superbly muscled, yes, but not fat!”
“Jelly? Wrong end. You meant his head…”
“I hope this is the last of this,” Jelly said, collecting her Wicked Witch of the West outfit.
“You hope?” Jenny snorted. “How would you like to have worn a red fright wig for every single one of these travesties?”
“Does that mean I havetae get inta mine?” Skimble asked.
“If I 'havetae’, you do too,” Jenny answered.
At that point, Alonzo stood at the doorway. “Why am I here?” Junior gave him his script, and he opened it. “Only one page?”
“Apparently, you work with Electra a lot,” Jemima said, pointing to the stage direction.
“Wait for cue and run across the stage… sounds simple enough. That means I’m only in one scene, right?”
“Look again,” Junior said, pointing at the fine print below.
“Perform this ad nauseam… Does that mean I get sick a lot?”
“No,” Pouncival replied. “That means, we get sick of you…”
“GET ON THE SET!!!”
Everyone within three miles of the set suddenly were half-deaf and their fur stood out. Several had Jelly and Jenny, Tailkinker, Althea, Amity and even Patches heal their bleeding eardrums. Many still had a trace of balance problems as their inner ear mechanisms returned to somewhat normal.
Bomba growled. “All right… Who gave Electra the bullhorn?”
Going toward the control booth, Domino grinned, and took out her earplugs. “I wouldn’t know. Ciao!”
Shadowdancer caught Bomba by the arm. “Hey, Rina? Touch Domi and you deal with Silvermane, remember?”
“One of these days, I’m gonna send her BACK to the Homeworld via my knuckles…”
HAIRY PUTTER AND THE DREADFUL YOWLS
BOOK SEVEN TRAILER
MUSTARDPIECE THEATRE SET
NARRATOR: Purrcival, the Rail Tribe Chronicler.
Purrcival looked up at the camera, and then shook his head. You know how pipe smokers tap the bowl of the pipe to clean it out at times? Purrcival tried that and got his other foot wet because he forgot he had a bubble pipe instead of a tobacco one… Rumpelteazer, who usually ran Camera One in the Mustardpiece Theatre set, took a little under three minutes before she could control herself… When she did, there were still muffled giggles.
Renewing the soap in the bubble pipe, Purrcival blew an impressive bubble-ring, and then looked professionally debonair at the camera.
“Good evening Ladies, Gentlemen and the ones who mark Other on the Census forms. I will not bother with the people who create other answers in the section marked 'Sex’… I must admit the one that said 'Yes’, was amusing for the first dozen or so. I was slightly envious of the ones who wrote in 'Frequently’. However, the ones who wrote in 'What’s Sex?’ worried me… What? Oh… Tonight, we allow something in this literary exercise known as a parody, otherwise know as legalized plagiarism. We introduce to Mustardpiece Theatre a widely known nuisance called, 'The Traitor…’ What? It’s called the what?’ Oh… I wondered about that…”
Blowing another bubble ring, Purrcival looked at the camera again. “We introduce to Mustardpiece Theatre a widely known ass-clincher… What? Very well… We introduce… the movie trailer of Hairy Putter and the Dreadful Yowls… um, roll 'em…
MOVIE TRAILER FOR… YOU KNOW WHATt…
SCENE ONE: JUST OUTSIDE THE FORBIDDEN (Look Out for Rabid Squirrels) FOREST…
Voice: Dat ickle squoirt Putter ain’t been seen, soir…
Maccie (Baldydork) stares out into the forest, his back to the camera. He looks over his shoulder while he massages the bridge of his nose. “I take it that you could not find anyone but Mungojerrie to say that?”
[Altaica:: Just go with it, Nappy…]
Maccie (Baldydork) sighs, and turns theatrically around. Across the clearing, Junior (Hairy) comes out, waves “hi!” and stops.
“ The Kitten who Lives… has come… to die…”
Alonzo runs hysterically across the stage. “WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE! AAAAIIIEEE!”
Maccie rubs his forehead. “Can I actually kill him?”
[Altaica: No can do, Nappy, and Domi says that if you do Captain Kook imitations again, she will push the red button -- the one that activates the tail root contacts?]
“Oh, very well…” He points his wand at Junior. “ABRA CADAVER!!!”
[CUT!!! Next scene please…]
“What!? I do not get to kill him!?”
[Altaica: Nappy? This is a trailer. We have to leave something for later.]
“But they already have read the book… oh, bother…”
SCENE TWO: GRINGOS… in the tunnels…
The scene takes place in Dizzyland’s FLUSH MOUNTAIN. We see a series of flash pictures where everyone is flashing the 'hidden camera’… except Alonzo, who is screaming. On YOUNOOB, the actual video shot by an ex-employee of Dizzyland catches Junior, Jemmi, Cettie and Pounce, along with Alonzo descending into the dark tunnel below. As they dive, seemingly to their doom, we hear:
“WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!”
[CUT!!! Next scene please…]
SCENE THREE: 4¾ PRIVY LANE
There is a heavy screech of tires and the roar of a 425 cu.in. two-stroke motor as a Harley Davidson motorcycle with sidecar thunders into the scene. Forking the main seat, Quaxo flips up his visor and flashes a toothy smile (no bugs -- Quaxie knows to ride with his visor down). He grabs Junior, and literally tosses him into the sidecar.
“I would heartily suggest that you fasten your restraint system,” he tells Junior.
Junior puts on his lap belt, his shoulder belt, his chin strap, and helmet. “Where the heck are we going? Outer space?”
Quaxo just grinned and slapped his visor back in place. Revving the Harley, he touches his throat mike. “Houston, we are green to go here…”
“Roger that,” Silvermane’s voice comes back over the earphones. “You are second to go. Screamer 42? You are cleared for takeoff…”
A heavy-duty carpet-cleaner Hoover screams by with Alonzo hanging on for dear life.
“WEEEEEEEE’RRRRRRRRRE ALLLLL GOOOOOONNAAA DIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!”
Quaxo looks down at Junior who shakes his head, and then Quaxo shakes his head. Timing it right, he lets out the clutch. The Harley goes thundering off down Privy Lane in a cloud of unburned petrol and burned rubber…
[CUT!!! Next scene please…]
SCENE FOUR: IN HOGWARPS… somewhere…
Maccie reaches out and grabs Junior’s face.
“All that I require is to squeeze…” he said and then feels the twin barrels of a sawed-off shotgun in his stomach.
“And all I have to do is squeeze, too…” Junior replies.
“Your answer to my inquiry is very persuasive… I will maintain adherence to the script. Ahem… Why do you live?”
“Because I have something to live for,” Junior answers and then is interrupted as Alonzo goes running across the set.
“WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!”
Junior manages to close his eyes. “And that something is to find something hard enough to knock Lonzo into unconsciousness…”
“I will join you in that endeavor…”
[CUT!!! Next scene please…]
SCENE FIVE: THE ROOM OF MESSY ATTIC STUFF…
Junior, Jemmi and Pouncival as Hairy, Hermouthie and Bongers wait for their cue, and then start running. Behind them and seemingly quickly catching up is a raging wall of flame. They run down a turn in the attic stuff and the flame follows them. From out of nowhere, Alonzo runs by them as if they’re standing still…
“WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!”
As the trio finally reaches the safety zone and the sprinkler system comes on, Jemmi turns to the two Toms. “All in favor of tying Alonzo up and tossing him in the dumpster outside say AYE!”
Both answered in the affirmative…
This time the order was rather weary… [CUT!!! Next scene please…]
SCENE SIX: THE DEATH OF DOOBY
Junior, Jemmi and Pounce crouch over the body of Dooby, the House Elf. The body has a knife stuck in his heart, several bullet holes peppering his body and one right between his eyes, a poison thorn in his neck and a hunting arrow going in one ear and exiting out the other…
“Eeeessh! Somebody didn’t like Booby,” Pounce said, and was instantly corrected by Jemmi, who applied the brain-duster
“That’s DOOBY, you boobie.”
“This isn’t really Fiddlestix, is it? I mean, Victor didn’t really like him for knocking up Callie…” Junior said.
“This isn’t Fiddle,” Jemmi said, exasperated.
“His eyes look like marbles…” Pounce said, rubbing the back of his head. “I thought you only did that to Hairy…”
“They are marbles,” Jemmi said, whacking Pounce again. “This is a dummy.”
“But Fiddle was one…” Pounce got out before Jemi whacked him again. “Okay… What about all the blood…?”
“That’s Aunt Jenny’s BBQ sauce,” Junior said, dipping a fingertip in the reddish goop collecting around each wound and tasting it. “Yep… A good blend of molasses, mustard, honey and several spices…”
“Eeewww! What if that actually was Fiddle?” Pounce said.
“Wait for it…” Jemmi said.
Alonzo comes tearing across the set, stops, pants a couple of seconds, and then wheezes out, “WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!” before he goes running offstage.
“Does he always do that?” Junior asked.
“It’s his claim to fame,” Jemmi nodded.
“And he’s been doing it for quite some time…” Pounce agreed.
[CUT!!! Next scene please…]
SCENE SEVEN: IN FRONT OF HOGWARPS
Junior and Maccie facing each other with fire hoses. The hoses go off with Maccie’s shooting green water while Junior’s hose shot red water. The intersection of the streams splatters water in all directions. They hold this for five seconds while Maccie’s voice is heard.
“Only I am to live forever…”
At this point, Alonzo starts across the grass. Although not coached or directed to do so, both hoses zero in on Alonzo…
“WE’RE ALL GONNA (Blub!)…”
The entire cast and crew, and even a few members of the studio next door applauds.
CLOSING GRAPHIC
A crudely painted sign held by one of the many kittens from the fourth generation of Junkyard Jellicles is centered in the camera. The kitten was instructed to hold it up, and then walk slowly forward until she was within a foot of the lens. Being barely a year old, she toddled a bit faster than a walk, and the sign crashed into the lens. As the kitten’s mother bundled the crying toddler away, Rumpelteazer flattened out the sign as best she could and held it up for Scatterburr to zoom in on it.
COMING IN 3-D
(Dumb, Dumber, and Dumbest)
HAIRY PUTTER AND THE DEATHY HOWLS -- (PART ONE)
NOVEMBER 2010
***** Dissolves in TV snow *****
***** Finis *****
Go Back to PARODIES
Go Back to SPECIALS
Go Back to the STORIES
