PROLOGUE: Oh, yes… Here we are again… The introduction to the second part of a parody. We all know the drill by now… If not, you did not read the other parodies? All the apologies have already been given out… Well, we could apologize to the numerous generations of Ancient Egyptians for dusting off their mummies and daddies, and doing this travesty of a movie that pokes fun at them as well… But we won’t… We could apologize to a long list of Pharaohs, and especially Seti I, for including them in this parody… but we won’t… I could apologize to the friend, but they have sworn off the parodies anyway… So…
Welcome to the second half of “How to Fight a Mummy,” or “How Many Times Do We Have to Kill This Guy?” I love the fact that in the movie, O'Connell blows Imhotep away with a shotgun blast, then unloads a PAIR of Colt 45’s into him, and Imhotep just shakes it off - even repairs the damage… And yet, O’Connell destroys the Priests and the soldiers and whatnot with one shot or slice… I guess the villain is just so 'badddd’ that it takes more to 'kill’ him… Poor Benny… How many religious symbols can one wear and still know the warding incantations of all of them? AND… How many of you just knew that Benny would find the Self-Destruct mechanism for the temple? Come on… I keep seeing the same hands…
Oh, well… let’s get this gobbler going before Silv starts doing his Lon Cheney impression. Everyone got their expensive drinks and popcorn from our snack bar? Good… The 'Ka-ching’ at the cash register makes us feel all tingly inside… And now, Mustardpiece Theatre and Fly-By-Night Film Productions apologizes to Universal Pictures for stoning their film, which we now present to you in living, dead or undead color, or in film noir (black & white), THE DUMMY… uh, Part II, Dos, Zwei, the part after the first one…
Uh, roll em, Fawnsey…
CHARACTER PROGRAM (In order of Forced Appearance)
|
THE PARTS
Immobelit
Amuck-on-the-Moon
Pharaoh Slutti the First
Brick O’Bummer
Bummy
Raggi Leader
Evelyn (Evie)
Curator
Jonathan
Warden
Egyptologist
Bums
Danny-Boy
Henrunslum
Winsome Haversack
All Other Characters:
|
THE NAMES
Silvermane
Nicole
Khan
Sebastian
Presley
Erik
Domino
Zhion
Sacramentor
Jupiter
Onyx
Cosmos
Robin
Faust
Archangel
Anyone Within Reach.
|
|---|
Directed and scrawled illegibly by Victor
Produced and spray-painted by Cheetera
Music by the TJC Somephony Orchestra & Marching Band (Quaxo, Conductor & Drum Major)
Filmed on location in Death Valley, California, without the permission of the National Park Service, and at the Paramint Studios, Sound Stage 51 - also without their permission.
THE GREEN ROOM
Silvermane sat back on the box while Fawn wrapped him in a gauze bandage. Then, Yin would come along and spray paint the gauze strips a dull dirty gray. Normally, she would have let Silv do it himself, but he could not get his back…
“Okay, run this part by me again,” he said as Sebastian read the script. “When Mimi read the Book of the Dearly Departed, I came back to life, but I don’t have much more than a skeleton and a bit of skin and bandage, right?”
Seb nods. “That’s what lying in a sealed coffin with a bunch of wind-up chattering teeth will do to you over… uh, 3,200 years…”
“Charry has nothing on the Egyptians,” Silv grins. “His idea of fun is seeing how many columns he can bounce me off in the celestial Temple. It’s kinda like a giant pinball machine with me being the ball… But then Ramses, the “Boy, Am I Special,” came up with this gem… Mummify me alive and let these wind-up toys chew on me for that amount of time? No wonder this guy is pissed off. And then, I’m supposed to go after these Yank guys who got these jars and suck them dry?”
“That’s what the book says.”
“That oughta be a riot… You wanna know something? History really paints Ramses as being this colossal ruler, but he really was an egotistic, spoiled maniac who always wanted things to go his way…”
“That sounds like someone we know, doesn’t it, Bonesy?” Presley said as he made sure his squirt gun is full of water.
“And this coming from the ferret in 'Giblets on Fire’?” the gray-white Tom replied.
“You guys better lighten up before Silv decides that the CG effects need more realism,” Domino replied as she stepped into the room.
“Lady Domi?” Sacramentor asked. “When did the 'I Scream of Domi’ harem pants come with the costume?
“I hate khaki trousers. They don’t go with my fur colors, and I can’t flash my good parts in trousers, Mentor…”
{Guys? On the set. We have to start this shoot with the 'Everyone Running for their Lives’ gig.}
“What are we running from?” Presley asked.
“The script,” Sebastian said, whacking him in the back of the head with said tome.
“That explains why we’re running for our very lives,” Sacramentor nodded.
“Any chance the winner of the race gets out of the parody?” Domino asked.
“Nope…” Silvermane said, dressed completely in his Lon Chainey Mummy cossie. “Just first place at the Snack Wagon.”
THE DUMMY
Inside Hamalottrap
Location: The bowels of the set in Sound Stage 51 of the Paramint Studios.
“AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!”
Domino, Sebastian and Sacramentor run down one corridor while Onyx, Robin, Cosmos, Faust and Presley go screaming down the other one. Because Cosmos is forced to wear a set of bottle-bottom glasses, he doesn’t negotiate the turn in the tomb set, he slams into the wall… and goes though it… Presley, bringing up the rear, naturally, stops and looks through the hole.
“Nice impression, Cos.”
“Shut up, Uncle Pres… Ouch… I actually broke the glasses… and probably my nose…”
“You can visit Fawney later then… Uh, say buh-bye, Cos…”
As Presley runs after the rest of the people in the cast, Cosmos comes out and looks around. “Uh, hello? Anybody? Uncle Pres?”
A large shadow appears behind Cosmos, and two silver-striped paws suddenly covers his eyes. “Guess who?”
“Not funny, Uncle Silv…”
“Okay, for the rest of your part, the makeup crew is going to give you a dose of eye shadow that most people would die for, and just remember to act like your tongue is missing. Oh… this is for the sound check…”
“Sound check?”
A claw from Silvermane is applied in the right place, and…
“AAAAAIIIIIEEEEEE!”
{CUT!}
“Actually, dear,” Cheetera said as she massaged Victor’s back, “that was a pretty good scream Cos did…”
“Yeah… Stars?”
Stareye and Starcatcher appear from opposite sides of the set.
“Did you manage to corral the rest of the looneys?”
“Yeah, Vic,” Starcatcher nodded.
“Locked all exit doors,” Stareye grinned.
“Okay, put the camera crew on Domi’s group, and let’s get going…”
After a bit of searching in the corridor set, they find the three, and set up. With Seb in the lead, Domi following, and Sacramentor panting in the rear (for more than one reason), they come to a skidding halt in front of a mound.
“What’s that supposed to be?” Sacramentor asked as he peered over Domino’s shoulder. “A mound of scarabs that will erupt and swarm over us, leaving nothing but our skeletal remains for future archeologists to discover?”
“Mentor?” Domino said, smiling. “Is that a trowel in your pocket or are you just glad to be pressed against my back?”
“Worse than that,” Sebastian said, trying to ignore the Mae West joke. “That’s Silv’s old gym socks! Run back the other way! Quick!”
{Okay, Seb and Mentor jump on the box and Domi jumps into the alcove. She sits down and finds the trap door…}
“Oooopsy!” Domino said as the panel behind her opens, she falls through, and then the panel closes.
{We’ll CG the gym socks rolling by and then you two look around and notice…}
Sebastian winks at Sacramentor. “Hey! Mino, er, Evie’s missing! EVIE!!!”
“I love the obvious,” Sacramentor quipped in monotone…
{Cut to the place where Cosmos is standing… Domi? You’re on…}
“I just love the way the scenes jump all over the place… Mr. Bums? Bums? Is that why Cosmos is facing the other way?”
{Just do the scene, Domi.}
Cosmos turns around… He looks like someone gave him a view toy that blackened his eyes. “Auhnt Dahmi?”
Domino closes her eyes and rubs her forehead where a migraine is starting. “At least close your eyes so they look like they’re missing, Cos…”
“Sorry… Uh, don’t look behind you…”
“Why?”
“Uncle Silv is making silly faces and trying to make me break character, and he’s come close a few times…”
“Silv!”
“But, Mimi…”
She turns around, and shakes her head. “Okay, let me go back to Cos 'cus I have to scream twice… When I think about actually doing this parody, it’ll come easy to me…”
She looks first at Cosmos. “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKK!!!
Then she turns around and looks at Silvermane… He is making a “Booga-booga” face by sticking his thumbs in his ears, spreading his hands out and waving them, crossing his eyes, and sticking out his tongue …
Domino closes her eyes, and shakes her head.
{Keep going, guys. We’ll just copy and reverse the frames…}
“Silv?” Domino said, pointing a clawed index finger at him. “You’ll pay for that…”
“Sorry, Mimi… Well, okay, I’m not really…”
“Silv!”
“Yes, Mimi…”
“Now what?”
Silvermane thinks for a moment, which looks like he strains a bit. “Uh… I get to call you Amuck-On-The-Moon, and kiss you…”
“Silv, you only have half a face…”
“Has that ever stopped you before?”
“Now that you mention it, no…”
They kiss… and kiss… and kiss… and start making out…
{Get Seb on the set and let’s get on with this…}
“Evie! By the way, Silv, that one face looked gawd-awful…”
“Thanks, bro. Who starts?”
“You do…”
“Pbbbbffffpppptttt!!!!” Silv let loose a bilabial fricative that echoed through the tomb.
“Oh, yeah?” Seb retorted. “PBBBBFFFFPPPPTTTT!!!!” Dust fell from everywhere.
“Not bad, bro, but you tend to spit when you do it. You need to take a deep breath and draw the air through your mouth to dry off the tongue. PBBBBFFFFPPPPTTTT!!!!”
Off to one side, Mentor shook his head. “Do these two always do this?”
“All the time,” Domino nodded. “Just don’t get them started on armpit farting if you value you sanity… SEB!”
“PBBBBFFFFTTT…!! Yeah, Mino?”
“That’s enough. Blow Silv away and let’s get outta here…”
“Sorry, Silv,” Sebastian said, pumping the air pressure on his Super Soaker up to maximum. “Take this!”
A vicious stream of water douses Silvermane from the top of his head to his toe claws. Seb waves 'bye-bye’ and Mentor, Domino and Sebastian run off the set. Behind them, Silvermane wipes most of the water out of his eyes.
“I hate this part…”
Presley comes on and looks Silvermane over. “Hey, Silv?”
“Yeah?”
“Did you know you’re all wet?”
“Very observant, Loo-Brush. Now do your bit with the religious necklaces… Say, how many are you wearing anyway?”
“Well, I got about 42 of them. I love the Cross one I use right off because Inhotpants never heard of Christ, and that goes for just about every other one I try… I never did get to the cat symbol for Bast because you would actually run like a girl from me then…”
“Pres?”
“Yeah?”
“Get to the Star of David. I really like that one…”
“Why?”
“Cause it’s kosher, I guess…”
The set breaks out in a series of dry heaves.
“Gee, I never knew Vic was into projectile hurling,” Presley said.
“He has good distance, too. I’d stay behind the set pieces when we set him off like that.”
“Okay, I flash this one. So, what happens?”
“Instead of killing you, you become my slave… Hey, Vic? Can I do this for real?”
{No, you can’t… Domi won’t let you keep pets, remember?}
“That’s only because Seb keeps eating them… Oh… yeah, I keep forgetting that… You’re off the hook, Pres.”
“Thanks… I’d hate to give Seb indigestion…”
“The last one gave him diarrhea…”
Fort Buydat - Cairo
Location: Another Crummy Set inside Sound Stage 51 - Paramint Studios.
Domino is throwing things into a suitcase mostly frilly things that are see-through or could not cover much more than the period at the end of this sentence.
“Okay, Seb, er , Mr. O’Bomber… Why’d we run screaming out of Hamalottrap and come back to Cairo to pack our things? If I’ve unleashed something that will take over the world, why are we running away?”
Sebastian stops packing a suitcase. “Uh… good question, Mino… Vic?”
{Just do the scene, Seb…}
“And that means we don’t get an answer on what this white pussycat toy is doing on the set either, right?”
“You’ll spoil the plotline if you tell her,” Sacramentor warned from his chair off camera.
Domino shakes her head and puts the toy down on the bed. “If we let this thing take over the world…”
“Mino, if Silv really wanted to, he probably could…”
“SEB!” Domino put her hands out in a stopping motion. “Just play along with me on this, okay? Now… The most illogical thing for us to do is to try and run away from Mummy Silv, so that’s what we try to do, right?”
“Yeah, but first we have the futility scenes…”
“The whatitz?”
“Check out the next scene… Hey! What’re all these hotel towels doing in your suitcase?”
“Never mind, Seb…”
The cameras wheel over to another set where Silvermane is dressed in a steel-gray version of the Fandom of the Okra costume, and he sits in a chair while Presley pats Cosmos on the shoulder.
“Don’t worry, Cos, er Mr. Bums. We’re cutting you out of the rest of the parody right now. How’s that sound?” Presley grins.
“Silv?” Cosmos said, opening one eye to show he still has his own. “You aren’t really gonna suck all the life outta me, are ya?”
“Special effects, Cos,” the Silver Tabby said as he winks through his mask. “I take off the mask, the camera looks at the wall, and we do a finger shadow thing on it like this…
The trio turns and watches as it looks like Cosmos is reduced to a skeleton. Silvermane motions Cosmos to get up, and a shredded Ken doll is put in his place.
“Eeewww! Who’s been working on all the dolls?”
“Some chick named Rio in the props department,” Silvermane chuckled. “Not a bad likeness, Cos. Well, you’re out of the parody, and I can show more of my handsome physique.”
{Cut! Bar scene is next… Seb, Mentor and…} “ Who plays Winsome Haversack?”
“Archangel, dear,” Cheetera said, consulting her clipboard.
“Wait a minute… Haversack is supposed to be English, and in the World War One RAF. Archie’s Russian…”
“They modified the script a little…”
“A little…? Never mind. Just go with it… Action!”
A Bar Somewhere in Cairo
Location: Somewhere in the Paramint Studios Commissionary
Sebastian and Sacramentor are sitting at a bar, being served drinks by Gintora, who is wearing a dress that shows more of the American Tabby/Siamese Queen than covers her. As they down their drinks, Archangel comes in right between them and lands on the bar.
Looking up bleary-eyed, he finally focuses on Gintora. “Hey, barbender… Give me a martooni… I’ve got har-heartburn…”
Gintora shakes her head. “First, I’m a bartender, not a barbender. You want a martini, not a martooni… And you really have heartburn because you need to be female and stacked like Nicci to do the rest of the joke… Archie, you’re an idiot.”
“Can we have Nicci take Archie’s place and do the joke again?” Seb asked quickly.
Gintora grabbed a bottle by its neck and pointed the base end at Sebastian. “Not unless you want me to see if I can hit a grandslam with your head as the ball.”
“Why in heaven’s name are we doing this scene?” Sacramentor asked.
“It’s like the white cat, and thank Bast Victoria isn’t visiting or we’d have 'white pussy’ jokes going off all over the set,” Sebastian replied. “Another round, Ginnie.”
“Okay, gang, let’s toast something really vile,” Sebastian said as he, Sacramentor and Archangel picked up their glasses.
“Here’s to Parsley’s shorts,” Sacramentor intoned.
“Good enough,” Sebastian nodded.
The three down the drinks, and then spit the drinks all over Gintora.
“Thanks a lot, guys. I hope you tip better than you drink…”
“What is this stuff?” Sebastian asked, looking at his glass like he expected the skull and crossbones to be decorating it.
“The first plague on Egypt parodies,” Sacramentor said, sticking his tongue out. “Good Beer turned into O’Doul’s…”
“Oh, skat… That means…” Sebastian started out.
“Silv switched drinks on us again,” Sacramentor finished.
They run to the door on the set and stop just outside the lobby.
“Okay, I give,” Sebastian said. “What’re we supposed to be looking at?”
The sound affects of a large bomber unloading its bomb bay cargo over its target goes off, and the lights flicker on and off.
“Either it’s the London Blitz of ’41 or it’s the Bad Reviews plague…” Sacramentor started to say, and Sebastian covered his mouth.
“If you say it’s the parody getting 'bombed,’ I’ll shove you through the keyhole of that one drawer in the desk you haven’t been able to unlock yet…”
“We are in serious trouble,” Sacramentor finally said.
“No, we are in VERY serious trouble,” Sebastian finished.
After running through various sets with the sound effects and lighting effects going off, they finally get back to where Domino waits with Onyx and Robin.
“What’s with the fireworks display, Seb, er, O’Bomber?” Onyx asked.
“Cuddles here think Immobelit… Can we change the name to Inhotpants? It actually works better, Vic…” Sebastian asked.
“And I look better that way,” Silvermane said off-camera.
{IF it will speed up things, go ahead…}
“That is why Victor is our Director, guys,” Sebastian grins. “He’s the master of the film.”
“Get back to the explanation, Uncle Seb,” Robin groans.
“Okay, Inhotpants is unleashing the ten plagues of the Parody and he’s telling us that this turkey just…”
“Seb… Don’t say it,” Domino warned.
“You know what-ed… Which means…”
“TADA!!!” Silvermane shows up, still looking like only part of him was there.
“Bro? How’re you doing that?”
“Remember the Cheshire Cat bit I did in one of the chapters with Chaser? Same thing…”
“Okay… uh, Hi?”
“Uh, what is the white toy kitty doing on the Piano?” Silvermane asked.
“It’s the kitty-on-the-keyboard,” Sacramentor said.
“Let me see…” Silvermane said as he started thumbing through he script. “White Kitty… White Kitty… White Kitty… Oh… white PUSSY… Inhotpants is scared of it… Uh, Vic? Why would a high Priestly guy like me be afraid of the white pussycat toy?”
{Because I’ll let Snowie punch your lights out if you don’t act afraid of it.}
Silvermane nodded and turned to Sebastian. “I like how Vic explains motivation… WHOOHAH!!!”
In a flash of silver-white sparkles, Silvermane disappeared. The others fan the air.
“I wish Uncle Silver would cut down on the Tuna Surprise,” Robin said sourly.
“Why is he afraid of a little p…”
“Seb…? Don’t say it…” Domino said sharply.
Zhion, who was attempting to stave off a migraine and was having limited success, came in with Erik in his Ninja pajamas. “The Cat is said to be a servant of Bast and guardians of the Underworld. Why they let this parody get this far is something we need to take up with the Eternal Cat.”
“What are you doing with Raggie Senior, pops?” Domino asked. “And then what are you two doing in my room?”
“It was designated in the script, Queen Domi, er, Miss Evie…” Zhion said, bowing slightly, and then pushing the tassel from the Fez out of his eyes. “Besides, we know what is happening because we have read the script for this scene. You met Inhot… Do I really have to use this particular name?”
{We’re on Frame 8, Zee. Please…}
“Ooo. That’s great, Zee,” Sebastian said, grinning. “You’re making Vic beg…”
“Seb…”
“Zee? That only works if Mino says it that way…”
“You met Inhotpants, I take it?”
Domino nodded. “Yes. He called me Amuck-On-The-Moon and then lip-locked me… well, that’s a minor technicality 'cause he doesn’t have lips right now, but you get the idea…”
“And if I hadn’t come in, Mino would have gotten something else that Inhotpants isn’t supposed to have just yet…” Sebastian grinned.
Zhion rubbed his temple as to assuage the headache now in full force. “I’m afraid that he has chosen you to be his Jellicle sacrifice to get his girlfriend back.”
“Girlfriend?”
“Yes… Amuck-On-The-Moon was Pharaoh Slutti’s mistress and Inhotpants favorite as well. In order to get her back, he will kill you so that his Mistress can take over your body…”
“I’ve grown a tad attached to it, sir,” Domino said just as the lights dimmed. “I think Paramint finally figured out we were here…”
“No, that’s the outside lights,” Erik said, cleaning his claws with his katana. “We’re having an eclipse of the sun…”
“Jolly…” Domino said sarcastically…
The Streets of Cairo
Location: Sound Stage 51 of Paramint Studios - street set
Onyx, wearing his fez and carrying the Book of the Dearly Departed, is running down the streets of Cairo… which means he is actually on the turntable and running by the same stores several times. He looks up, supposedly at the eclipsed sun, but actually at the fly where several sand bags dangle precariously. After the sixth time past the same shoppe window, he stops.
Looking over his shoulder, he notices a black Chevy Nova tailing him. It flashes its lights at him twice.
“I’ve got to be in the wrong movie…” he says and starts running again.
The scene cuts to another set and this is in the inside of a room, which Presley is cheerfully tearing apart. For some reason, Sebastian walks in.
“A Feng Shu interior decorator, you’re not, Bog-Breath.”
Sebastian picks Presley up by the collar and slams him into a safe. “Hi, Bummy! Fancy meeting you in the Egyptologist’s room. What are you looking for?”
“Nothing… Just a small book really…”
The huge harlequin Tom pulls Presley out of the impression he made in the safe, and slams him into the wall. “A small book? Then why here, Bummy? You can get those things at a bookstore like Barmy & Ignoble.”
“Seb?” Presley wheezes. “You’re missing the correct set pieces… There’s only one of the books and the Egyptologist has it…”
Sebastian takes Presley out of the wall and holds him up toward a ceiling fan. “Tell me what it is…”
“Seb, don’t…”
“Pres, it’s fake and nowhere near my… (ZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTT!) reach… Uh, Nice flattop, Pres.”
“The safe and the wall were real, too, hotshot… Fawnsy? Can you help me out after this scene…? The Book of the Dearly Departed. He wants it to bring his dead girlfriend back to life.”
“Who doesn’t? Bye-Bye, Bummy…”
“What? No, Seb? That window is actually three stories up…. (CRASH-tinkle-tinkle) Aaaaaiiieeee… (~thud~ ~whomp~ ~splat~ ~kah-pwang!~)…
“Hmmm… banked off the awing below on the second story, caromed off the awning on the first floor across the street and then off the wall at ground level and into the dustbin… Yep, that counts as a three bank shot… 150 points for yours truly…”
Back to Onyx and the turntable, which has stopped again. Silvermane and a bunch of extras surround him.
“Okay, son. Give me the book nice and quiet-like…”
“How do I get it?”
“Well, I cover you from the camera like this… make you disappear like this (~flash~)… and then bring in another dead Ken doll, like this (~flash~)… Eeewww… That Rio chicka is getting carried away with these guys… Okay, I’ve got the book… now for Mimi…”
Hotel Room - the Boys (and Girl) in the Band
Location: One of many room sets…
In the sitting room of a very nice hotel room, Sebastian and Sacramentor are putting on as many squirt guns as they can. Meanwhile Robin and Faust, now the only ones left of the Yank company, are trying to peak into Domino’s bedroom.
“Hey, you two? What’re looking at?” Sebastian asked and then looked over their shoulders. Domino was about to take off her top, so he shut the door. “Never mind… Look. Johnny here and I are going to check out some ways to get off this planet, so you guys guard Mino… er, Evie.”
Sacramentor checks one squirt gun and gets it in the eye. He grins sheepishly as Sebastian pushes him out the door.
Faust looks at the door and then at Robin. “Since we can’t look at Domi, I’m going down and get a drink. You stay here and get sucked… uh, wait for a chance that Domi will open the door with little on, okay?”
Nodding, Robin waits until Faust goes out, and then turns around to look at one of the mason jars sitting on the table. He sets like a gunfighter getting ready to draw, and then pulls the squirt gun from his holster and tries to twirl it… Instead, he fumbles it and drops it. Coming up, he laughs, clearly embarrassed, and tries it again. This time, it slips from his hand and spins up practically to the ceiling and comes down with the butt of the squirt gun hitting him in the head. Reclaiming the squirt gun one more time, Robin hears a tap at the window. He goes over to it while the backstage crew goes, “Ooooooooooooooooo.”
Usually when the backstage crew does that, the character in question is about to meet a very messy ending…
“Rob?” Silvermane said, placing his finger in the business end of the squirt gun. “It’s a good thing we aren’t using real guns here or you’d be dead a dozen times over, or you’d be one of my guys.”
“Is this when I get it?”
“Yep. Lights on the wall. I take this toy balloon version of you, pull the spout on it, and you deflate into another of these Ken dolls we have a plethora of…”
“Eeewww… That one is really gross…”
“Yep. She’s getting more creative as we go… Rob? Get lost. You’re free now that you are… 'dead…’ Oh, and Rob?”
“Yeah, Uncle Silv?”
“You try peeking at Mimi’s bod again, and you’ll wish you were dead… Dokie?”
“Uh… yeah…”
“Okay, script,” Silvermane looks at the tome and nods. “That’s easy for me…”
Inside of bedroom, Domino is asleep on the bed… with nothing on…
{Domi!!! You’re supposed to be taking a nap! Not posing for Playcat Magazine!}
Domino looks up. “Chee? Has Vic had his medication lately? I always sleep au natural just in case mah boyz get frisky…”
“Domi? Put on your stage clothes before Vic has a coronary.”
“Okay, okay, okay… Jeez… And who’s pouring sand through the keyhole?”
Cheetera hands Victor a bottle of Old Catnip, and shakes her head. “That’s Silv substituting for stage directions, the old ham… and button the blouse all the way, Domi.”
“Prude…”
Fastening the last four buttons, Domino flops back down on the bed with a huff. The sand stops pouring through the keyhole, and Silvermane stands in its place, tapping sand out of his ears. “I always forget that part of the trick. There’s always some sand left over…”
He goes over, and bends over Domino. “I’ll be glad when I get to eat Faust. It’s hard kissing Mimi when I don’t have any lips…”
He kisses her on the mouth, and soon has Domino’s five appendages wrapped around him. Wolf whistles go up all around the set. Silvermane finally gets her to release him.
“That’s what I like about Mimi… She always did know how to do things in her sleep…”
“And I hate it when you get some and I don’t…” Seb announces from the door.
“Finally…” Silvermane grins, and shows only teeth.
“Silv, that looks gross…”
“And it makes whistling hard to do, too. Booga!”
“I don’t think so,” Sebastian grinned, and pulls out the white toy cat.
“Ah, man… I hate it when that toy makes me take a powder… WOOHAH!!!”
In the smoke, Sebastian and Domino fan the air, and she nods.
“I’ll see if I can get Silv to knock off the spicy burritos for lunch…”
Faust comes in. “Looks like I’m the last of my party. So… What’s it gonna take to kill this turkey?”
“You mean Inhotpants?” Sebastian asks.
“No. This parody…”
Domino rubs her forehead. “Okay, you two, and get Erik, Zhion and Mentor in here for my big disclosure scene.” The three Toms file in doing a buck-and-wing softshoe with boaters and canes, do a few tap steps, remove the boaters, and 'taa-daa!’ “Very pathetic, guys. Okay, if my reading of the Book of the Dearly Departed brought this guy to life again…”
“Then…” Sebastian nodded. “That means we need the Book of Still Kicking to put him back under the sands again.”
“And I know just where we can find the location of that book,” Zhion nodded.
The Museum of Old Thingies - Cairo
Location: The Museum set… naturally…
Zhion, Erik, Sacramentor, Domino and Sebastian enter the set, and go upstairs to a large chunk of what looks like stone but is a big piece of Papier-Mâché with Egyptian hieroglyphics all over it. If an actual Egyptologist were to look the symbols over, he/she would have been embarrassed. The piece was from the NC17 movie known as “Domi Does Thebes.” Needless to say, Domino does not read the story…
“What’s supposed to happen now?” Faust asked as Domino whispered the storyline of the stone to Sacramentor.
Sebastian grinned. “In a hurry to get out of the parody? Silv should be along with his munchkins to chase us… any second now…”
“In-hot-pants… In-hot-pants…” came a monotone repetition from off-camera.
Zhion nodded, rubbing his nose. “And that would be them… Hurry up, Queen Domi, er, Miss Evie. The morons are here…”
“Do I have to? I’m just getting to the good parts…”
“Later, Domi… Uh, I’ll go start the car…”
As Sacramentor runs offstage, Domino looked at Sebastian. “Sacramentor knows how to drive a car?”
“Better yet,” he nodded. “We have a car?”
“The Barbie Jeep they used in C*A*T*S a ways back…” Erik said, slightly nauseated.
“Okay,” Domino said, consulting her script. “If, uh, oh, here it is… We found the Book of the Dearly Departed in the statue of Anubis, which according to this should have been somewhere else. So, if that book was in the wrong place, then the Book of the Still Kicking should be in the wrong statue as well. That means the Book we’re looking for is in the statue of Horus… back in Hamalottrap…”
“That figures,” Sebastian nodded. “The one place we want to get away from, we have to go back to… If we can get away from Silv and his minions… Let’s go…”
The museum set was given a number of stairs and doors and walkways so that the usual Keystone Kops chase could be done. The four good guys would go one way, and then be chased by a bunch of zombie extras.
“In-hot-pants… In-hot-pants…”
The four would appear up on the second floor balcony with zombies coming up either side set of stairs. Seb pulls everyone into one of the rooms… The zombies pile into that room, and the four heroes come out another room…
“In-hot-pants… In-hot-pants…”
Downstairs, Sacramentor runs into a set of zombies, and he turns around. “In-hot-pants… In-hot-pants…”
The crowd joins in like Mentor is some sort of rock icon, and they pass him by. Sacramentor grins. “That was invigorating… I shall clean my shorts out later…”
Finally, after running around the set for a full five minutes or so, the four come barreling out of the museum and finds Sacramentor sitting in the Barbie jeep, now painted a sand-colored yellow. He beeps the horn.
“Come on, come on! Before those partygoers can stop us!!!”
The others pile on, literally… and they are off!!! A turtle with a hurt leg could probably beat them in a race…
When they finally get offstage, the jeep is directed to what appears like a street in downtown Cairo… really “Down” town Cairo… Sacramentor stops the jeep.
“What’s wrong, Johnny,” Seb asked, remembering Sacramentor’s stage name.
“Ever do bowling for kibbles?”
“No, why?”
Sacramentor points ahead where ten zombie extras wait.
“The script says plow through them… with this thing, that maneuver might be more than this jeep can take…”
Gunning the jeep, Sacramentor thought that the turtle might have lost this time… The ten zombies scattered.
Sebastian chuckled. “You left the 7-10 split, Bonesy.”
“You were supposed to nudge them as we went by,” Sacramentor said…
“They’re coming after us!!!” Erik yelled from the backseat.
“We need to lighten the load,” Sacramentor yelled back. “Toss something out!”
“Sorry about this, Faust” Erik said as he and Zhion grabbed Faust and tossed him off.
“There… better?”
“Yes, I almost have a breeze in my face now…” Sacramentor said.
Faust, meanwhile, sees Silvermane coming up and so he holds up the last jar. “I suppose you want this thing?”
“Yep. We do the surround bit on you, I teleport you off stage (~flash~), bring in the Ken doll (~flash~), yeeesh… Rio is starting to make my belly turn sideways… and now I am completely whole - thanks to the organ donating squad… Okay, gang. Let’s get the girl…”
“In-hot-pants… In-hot-pants…”
“Lovely cheering squad…” Silvermane said, rubbing the bridge of his nose.
A Dead End Street - Somewhere in Cairo…
Location: A Dead End street - somewhere in Paramint Studios…
“Oh, Great,” Sebastian groaned. “Who was supposed to be reading the Thomas Guide for Cairo? Domi?”
“That’s what I was doing. You forget that we’re on the Paramint Lot and not in Egypt!” Domino exclaimed, and threw the book at him. It missed…
“You need to practice with Deme,” Sebastian got out before Domino caught him in the head of head with her tail.
“With that appendage, she does not need to consult with Demeter,” Sacramentor quipped. “Now what do we do?”
“In-hot-pants… In-hot-pants… In-hot-pants… In-hot-pants…”
“Well, the glee club is here,” Erik announced dully.
Presley squeezed between two zombie extras with a microphone in his hand. “And now… the guy himself, the demi-god of the dead guys, the guy who made gauze bandages the rage of the fashion world, and reintroduced the pectoral necklace to Toms and Queens and Princesses everywhere - Heeeeeeeeeeeeeere’s INHOTPANTS!!!”
Silvermane came in, smiling and bowing to a total lack of applause. He then pointed at Jizzabuzz and made all her fur fall out. After that, the applause was deafening.
“Thank you… Thank you very much…” He then looked at the surrounded group of five. “All I want is the girl… Of course the jeep would make an interesting toy, but…”
“Silv…” Domino growled.
“Yes, Mimi…”
As Domino strolls over to Silvermane, the zombie chant fades to only Queens and Princesses. Even a few of them stop…
“Okay… They’re all yours,” Silvermane waves 'bye-bye’ as he drives Domino off in the Barbie Jeep. The zombie extras grin…
“I think we’re in deep caca,” Erik said quietly.
“I know we’re in deep caca,” Sacramentor replied.
“And all caca goes into the sewers,” Sebastian said, pointing to the manhole cover at their feet. Being Sebastian, he pulls the thing up like it only weighed a couple of ounces rather than four times as much as he did.
“How he does that, I shall never understand,” Zhion sighed and then charged the mob. “Go ahead. I shill die valiantly here…”
As Sacramentor looks into the manhole, he winces. “Do we have to?”
Sebastian points at the mob, who are playing with what Zhion was wearing. “Would you rather they do that to you?”
“Geronimo!” the gray-white Tom said as he jumped down the hole.
“Your Turn, Erik,” Sebastian said as the mob began tearing apart the substituted Ken doll dressed up as Zhion and throwing the fake body parts around. “Unless you want to be the real thing there.”
“Geronimo!” Erik says as he dropped into the hole.
Sebastian grunts as he pulls the manhole cover to the hole, and then pulls in into place as he climbs into the sewers. “I just know this whole scene is full of sh…”
“Seb…” Domino growls off-camera.
“Yes, Mino…”
The “Aerodrome” Outside Cairo
Location: The dustbins outside the Sound Stages…
Sebastian looked at the 'plane’ that the Heathrow crew had constructed. A series of boxes made up the 'fuselage’ and boards made up the 'wings’ and 'tail.’ A set of slats made up the propeller. “Who painted the roundels?”
Sacramentor came up and looked at the somewhat round symbols decorating the wings and side fuselage, as well as the tricolor section of the tail. “Judging by the colors, red, blue and white, I would hazard a guess that Archie did them.”
“Archie?” Erik looked at the roundels again. “Why?”
“This is the configuration used by the Russian Air Corps in World War One… ergo, Archie painted them.”
Sebastian nodded. “I would have said so because they aren’t exactly round roundels…”
At that point, Archangel came out in full pilot’s regalia… Leather helmet, goggles, scarf, uniform coat and jacket, and trousers. “How do you like costume? Ginnie made for me it…”
“It at least fits you, but she forgot to do one thing with the jacket,” Sebastian said, rubbing the bridge of his nose.
“And what is that?”
“She made the sleeves too short. They are supposed to have a strap on the end of them that can be buckled in the back…”
“Never mind the straitjacket joke, Seb,” Sacramentor said, also rubbing the bridge of his nose. “What are you supposed to be, Archie?”
“I am, how you say, a Barn Burner!” Archangel said quite happily.
Sacramentor shook his head. “You mean 'a Barn Stormer,’ don’t you?”
“You haven’t seen Archie fly, have you…?” Erik snorted.
“Okay,” Sacramentor said slowly. “I see the pilot’s seat and the rear gunner seat. That doesn’t leave a place for two more people…”
“You and Erik get on the wings,” Sebastian said. “Wear these goggles and hang on…”
“This thing doesn’t actually fly, does it?” Erik asked incredulously.
“No,” Sacramentor said as he lowered the glasses over his eyes. “The stage crew causes the plane to rock and bump like it is flying, and that big hurricane fan makes it look like the plane is actually moving. The goggles are for the sand that they will fling into the fan…”
“Wonderful…”
“Mentor?” Sebastian said, pointing at two of the kittens who was sitting in front of the 'plane.’ “You forgot about the sound effects… Pbbbbffffppptttt!”
Sacramentor regarded his twin kittens, and suddenly knew another purpose for the goggles. “Can I request a rain coat as well?”
The Egyptian Desert
Location: the Flight Simulator on Sound Stage 51
With Maeve and Tiberius making the engine sounds (and heavily spattering both Erik and Sacramentor on the plane’s wings), and several others bouncing the plane, Archangel made a good show of “flying.” Of course, on the computer station in Sound Stage 51’s simulator, Persephone was playing “Wings of War” and was flying into a dogfight. What the simulated plane was doing, and what the screen showed was vastly different…
“Tell me something, Mentor,” Sebastian said from his rear gunner position. “How long would this crate stand up against a Hawker Harrier?”
“Shooting us down with a sidewinder missile would be a waste of ordinance,” the gray-white Tom said, shaking his head. “For that matters, even using the Vulcan cannon would be a waste of bullets. Just flying by us would wipe us out. Why do you ask?”
“That’s what Phoney is flying on the computer…”
“Silv, er, Inhotpants should be out here somewhere with Bummy and Evie… We got to get to Hamalottrap before they do…” Sebastian suddenly pinched his nose. “And now… Seeing a wall of sand coming at us with Silv’s face in it just told me the script has other ideas. Hey, Archie! PEDAL FASTER!!!”
In the simulator, the background shows the sand gaining on the two-seater. Eventually, the face opens its mouth, and slams down on the plane… However, when Silvermane belches, the plane comes out again, more-or-less intact, but now trailing smoke from the engine. After making two barrel rolls, an Immelmann, and a Split-S, the plane makes a perfect nose-first landing into a sand dune…
Sebastian climbs out of the rear seat, a bit woozy, and his goggles askew. He looks around and finally Erik pops ups, spitting out sand while he grabs the rear super soaker from the gun mount. Sacramentor is still strapped to a wing, drumming his fingers on its surface.
“Where’s Archie?”
“He went out for a vodka fizz,” Sacramentor said dryly. “Another Ken doll now reclines in the cockpit for the eventual sinking of the main fuselage.”
“Say what?”
“Observe,” he replied, nodding at the main part of the plane. It slowly sinks into the dune and disappears.
“Quicksand? In the desert?” Erik said incredulously.
“Quite… Now will someone get me out of here!”
{Cut! Stage crew? Put the Hamalottrap set together. Silv, Domi and Pres get ready for the sacrifice scene. Nicci? Are you ready?}
Nicole comes on the set in bandages similar to Silvermane’s initial set. “Vic? This outfit does not do anything for me…”
{Considering you were supposed to be dead for about 3,000 years, you still look real good… I don’t supposed they padded the mummy’s mummies, right?}
“As Bomba says over at the Yard, Vic, this is all me, so deal with it.”
{Uh… no comment there… at least while Chee is on the set…}
“Wise move, Vic,” Nicole smirked.
Hamalottrap - The Mummy Room
Location: Hamalottrap Set in Sound Stage 51 of the Paramint Studio
As Domino followed Silvermane down the stairs to the 'dungeon,’ Presley walked with her. Her tail came around and whacked him between the ears.
“Ow! What was that for, Domi, er, Evie?”
“My character does not like yours very much, Pres. And so, she has this wonderful line to say to him… 'Nasty little fellas such as yourself always get their come-uppance’… Great line, isn’t it?”
“Only when you’re not the one that’s gonna get it…” he said, swallowing.
Scene cuts over to where Sebastian, Sacramentor and Erik are entering Hamalottrap again. All are going down with squirt guns drawn. They take a turn in the outside corridor set, and enter into the expanse of a large room in the set. Sebastian sees a mirror at the far end of the room. He chuckles and points one of his squirt guns at the mirror.
“Hey, Seb, er, O’Bomber,” Sacramentor said. “Why do you always use your firearms when merely going over and using your hands would do…?”
“I’m lazy for one thing,” Seb replies and shoots the mirror with a blast of his Colt 45 Squirtmaster. “And another thing, I like playing with them…”
The mirror causes a chain reaction of light, and then the Electrician controlling the lights brings them up full. Let us just say that someone handed Poseidon a can of metallic gold spray paint, and was told, 'Make us a treasure room…’ And, in typical Poseidon glee, he did exactly as he was told… Everything on the set was spray painted gold… A birdbath, a tire, a broom, and even an actual toilet plunger were among the items. Sebastian rubbed the bridge of his nose.
“Moral of this story…? Never tell Seidon to do anything…”
“Only the Pharaoh himself would have a Loo tool like this,” Sacramentor commented. “A 24-caret gold loo brush… Too bad this is not real. If it were…”
“All of us would be wealthy beyond our dreams,” Sebastian nodded. “And believe me, my dreams are pretty spectacular.”
At that moment, trap doors flipped open… The CG crew would make it look like they were breaking out through a sandy floor later… Out of the trap doors came eight mummies…
“Who in the Holy Fire Escape are these guys?” Sebastian said, taking the safety off his M-15 Superduper Soaker.
“Inhotpants’ priests. Needless to say, and I really wish I didn’t have to, when Inhotpants was buried alive, they were too…” Erik said pulling back the plunger on the AK47 Soakslopper.
“Blow them away and run!!!” Sebastian said, spraying several of the mummies.
“With water?” Erik asked, hosing down several others.
“They cannot run well in wet bandages,” Sacramentor supplied.
As the three Toms scampered away, all the mummies complained about being soaked clear through and getting their fur wet underneath…
Presley comes on the set a little later on and sees all the spray painted loot. He sees something over in one corner and investigates.
“Rock Around the Clock… Jailhouse Rock… You Ain’t Nuttin’ But a Hound Dawg… Rumpus!!! That idiot Seidon spray painted a collection of Elvis Records!!!”
The vinyl 45 rpm records went into a satchel Presley carried, along with some gold coasters, a gold Coke® glass and a few other odds and ends…
THE DUNGEON
Location: Sound Stage 51 of the Paramint Studios
“Mimi… You have to lay quiet on the slab,” Silvermane said, trying to get the harlequin Queen to do just that.
“You do that with Nicci laying next to you…” Domino said, and then stopped. “On second thought, scratch that comment… Nicci? What did the costuming crew do to you?”
“Don’t ask, Domi. Silv? Do the hocus pocus that’s supposed to bring me back…”
“Before I do… Vic? In order to do this, Don’t we haveta put all the stuff back in the mummy before I bring her back?”
{Do the scene, Silv…}
“No scientific curiosity at all,” Silvermane said, shaking his head. “Okay, raising the dead, raising the dead… Hmmm. Raising the Bread… I get to knead Nicci in that one…”
“You try that, Silv, and I’ll show you how fake these ropes are,” Domino said ominously.
Silvermane looks over the top of the book and nods. “Okay, scratch that one… Here it is. Make sure pool of black slime is present…” Looks over the slab and sees the pool of black slime. “Check… Circle of Priests to help spell…” Looks around at all his extras. “Check. Make sure the chick you want to raise from the dead is there… Hi, Nicci…”
“Get on with it, Silv,” Nicole hissed between clenched teeth.
Meanwhile, the cameras switch over to the other set room where Sacramentor runs in, and collides with the Statue inside. Erik and then Sebastian slam into him as well, and all three sit on the floor.
“Well,” Sacramentor said as he rubbed his… nose… “We found the statue.”
“Not the way I like it,” Erik said, trying to breathe.
“Now what?” Sebastian asked as he turned around and started throwing water balloons into the archway that they came through, and splattering the mummies. “Come on, Kitts! Cut out the swearing! It’s only water!”
“We pull out the drawer,” Sacramentor said while he gripped a handle. He tugs at it and ends up prostrate on the floor. He gets up again. “I said, we just pull out the drawer…” His second attempt is no better, and he again ends up on the floor.
“Let me guess,” Erik grins. “It’s stuck.”
“D’uh!” Sacramentor replies dryly. “Go back to Lady Domi’s party, Vic…”
The cameras go back to Silvermane and Company. Domino is stretched out on the slab, and looking extremely bored. “Get on with it, Silv… Nicci and I are starting to trade insults…”
“Pinkie,” Nicole hissed.
“First Aid Poster Child,” Domino hissed back.
The cameras went back to the O’Bomber group.
Sebastian looks up as shadows of the mummy extras started coming in. “Don’t these guys ever give up?”
“O’Bomber?” Erik said sarcastically. “They’re undead… What else do they have to do?”
“I got the book!” Sacramentor said suddenly, and then he whined. “And it’s LOCKED!”
Erik rubbed his nose again, and suddenly began using his AK47 Soakslopper. “I’ll hold them off while you guys save Mother Domi, er, Evie… Banzai!!!”
Screaming like a girl, Erik disappeared into the tunnel, and Sebastian lobs some water balloons into the same. “That should cut him outta the picture for a while… Come on, Johnny. Let’s go get Inhotpants and save Evie…”
The cameras once more shift to Silvermane, who is trying to restrain both Domino and Nicole without hurting the former and without groping the latter. “Girls!!!”
“Ladies, Silv,” Nicole snarled. “Dumb little meat!”
“Right on, Nicci!” Domino growled. “Dried up old hag!”
“Ropus Tieus!” Silvermane intoned. Ropes of all sizes suddenly lashed both Queens down on the slab. “Sonofagun… Those Hairy Putter spells work here too! Okay, now to put the soul into Amuck-On-The-Moon… And I thought Ankhamun was bad…”
Silvermane places the book on the slab and spreads his hands over the slab. Then, as the Priest Mummies begin a Rap rhythm, Silvermane intones the spell that will bring his main squeeze back from the daed… “Amuck-On-The-Moon is dirty and sooty… So bring back her soul so she can cat-boogie.”
Nicole looks up at Silvermane. “You gotta be kidding…”
“Cat-Boogie, Silv?” Domino adds.
“Hey, I’m part Silver, so I ain’t got no true rhythm, babes…”
Both Queens look at each other before Nicole shakes her head. “I’m sure we’ll hear from the NAACP before too long on this one… On the count of three… THREE!
“SSSSSSCCCCCCRRRRRREEEEEEAAAAAAMMMMMM!”
Silvermane inserts a finger into his ear to clear it. “Very good, ladies. If that doesn’t set off the earthquake sensors around this place, I don’t know what will. According to the book, I gotta kill you, Mimi, er, Evie… No hard feelings, right?”
“Silv… I don’t have Nicci’s cleavage, so miss, okay, or I’ll be extremely pissed, and you don’t want me to be that…”
“Hey, Evie!!!” Sacramentor shouts out from the third story of the set. “I found the Book of the Still Kicking!!!”
“Good, uh, Johnny! Read the part that causes Inhotpants here to go back to the Underworld, and hurry!!!”
“Hey, Bonesy, gimme the book,” Silvermane said. “You might do something stupid…”
“Uh, I shall take my chances. ~* I place this here call to the office of Horus, And I’ll do my preachin’ but not to the chorus. I need some real help to horsewhip this here badass, and so I’m asking for some fighters ranked first class! *~”
Holding the bridge of his nose, Silvermane shook his head. “And I thought my spell has corny… Hey, Bonesy? You remember the saying, 'Be Careful What You Ask For’?”
“Of course I do…”
“Then say hello to the starting Defensive string for the Memphis Mummies.”
Ten of the extra adults come out dressed as mummy soldiers with spears, swords and other forms of cutlery. They march up and fall into a five by two formation.
Silvermane smirks, and looks back at the slab. Sebastian had come in and freed Domino from the slab, and beat up all the Priest Mummies. “Hi, guys. I’m the Strong Safety here, so let’s be sporting about this. Guards? Seb has the football…
Four of the group comes at and stands in from of Sebastian. “Oh, this just keeps better and spiffier.” He holds up the rubber sword… “Well, I’m not afraid of you pile of rags… Pbbbbbbffffffppppppttttttt!!!”
The Guards look back. “PBBBBBBBFFFFFFPPPPPPTTTTTTT!!!”
Sebastian wipes off the spittle. “Uh-Uh… RUN!!!”
As the Guard chases after Sebastian, Domino runs from Evie, who now has the rubber sword that Silvermane had left behind.
“MENTOR! You need to get control of the Guard. Find the incantation for that before Nicci spanks my butt…”
Sacramentor begins flipping through the Book of the Still Kicking. “Uh, invoking the Guards… Already did that one… Insulting the Guards, Addressing the Guards… Ah! Here it is, Evie!!! Uh, “Listen to me, bozoes, and I shall tell you this. When I give the commands, then they just cannot miss. Do not listen to others, those boyz in the band. You listen to me, clowns, because I am the… I cannot quite make this word out…”
Domino ducks as Nicole swings and misses. “Oh, come on, Mentor! What word rhymes with Band?”
“There’s a lot of words that rhyme with Band, Domi!”
Sebastian trips and is about to be thoroughly skewered by the Front Four. “What’s the equivalent of the Head Honcho, Mentor?”
“Oh…” Sacramentor nodded. “Because I am the MAN!”
The Front Four halt before they dogpile on Sebastian, and then stand at attention. Sebastian looks at Sacramentor, and shakes his head. “Now tell them who has the ball…”
“Uh… Nicci… uh… Amuck-On-The-Moon has the ball, guys!”
The Front Four goes after Nicole, and she runs screaming back behind a stack of Egyptian Mummy souvenirs and Sphinx plushies. In the shadows on the wall, the Front Four reduce her shadow to shredded cutlets…
Domino joins Sacramentor as Silvermane goes after Sebastian.
“Seb, er, O’Bomber!!! Keep Inhotpants busy…!!!”
The harlequin male is in a double Nelson and getting his head noogied. “Yeah… No problem, babe…”
“Hurry up, Domi, ere, Evie. Seb, er, O’Bomber looks like he’s turning blue…”
“I’m reading as fast as I can, Mentor, er, Johnny…”
“Here it is. How to Unmake Your Mummy… Booga, booga, snookums. Here’s how we cook 'em…”
Sebastian and Silvermane look at each other. “You got to be kidding…” they both comment at the same time.
Grinning, Domino shrugs her shoulders. “Take it up with the Writer.”
“No thanks,” Silvermane replied, and gestured.
The image of a Greyhound Bus with the words 'Giza Tours’ on the sides races down the stairs, runs over Silvermane and then screeches into a smuggler’s turnabout. Then, with the outline of Silvermane inside the bus, it fishtails back up the stairs. Domino, Sacramentor and Sebastian look at Silvermane.
“Here’s where I bow out, Seb. Remember not to use the real sword. It really hurts for a while putting everything back together again…”
“I’ll put it here,” Sebastian said as he slides the rubber sword along Silvermane’s ribs, and the silver Tabby puts his arm down. “If that sword were real, you’d have one helluva belly ache right now.”
“Hey, people?” Silvermane said as he backed up to the black slimy pool. “It’s been real and it’s been fun, but this is a real drag… Bast, I hope the Writer doesn’t do the sequel. I get dug up again…”
“Just die, Silv,” Domino comments as she picks up the real sword. “Or I’ll use the real one on you.”
Silvermane stands on the edge of the pool. “You would, too… And now, my first and only dive on the night… A back one-and-a-half somersault and swan dive. Allez-oops!”
He catapults up around and enters the muck with minimal splash. Domino and Sebastian give him a 10 each while Sacramentor gives him a 9.5 for the dive.
“Buh-bye, Inhotpants…” Domino said.
Meanwhile, the cameras catch up to Presley, who is now trying to tow a backpack that looks like he tried to pack the entire “treasure room” into it. And yes, Poseidon spray-painted a kitchen sink gold as well…
“Gotta rest… man…” Presley panted as he leaned back and put his arm on a hot-red colored snake projection from a wall. Above it, in hieroglyphics, is the message that Bummy could read if he wanted to. It reads: “Self Destruct Lever - Push down to activate…”
CLICK…
“Oh, skat…” Presley said succinctly.
The whole Temple set begins to sink. Seeing this, Sebastian, Domino, and Sacramentor begin to run along the path lit every ten meters by an EXIT sign. Presley lags behind a few meters because he is still toting along the entire spray-painted library of the Beatles records… The three good guys manage to get through the last of the big doors, leaving Presley in the Treasure Room again. He looks around as his torch (flashlight) begins to flicker. As it does, he hears the amplified sounds of chattering teeth…
“I should have listened to Domi-Lady…”
BLACKOUT. Sound of chattering wind-up teeth fill the air!
Presley screams like a girl!
Outside Hamalottrap
Location: Model section of Sound Stage 51 of the Paramint Studios.
Shot of Domino, Sebastian and Sacramentor looking into the sunset.
They turn and look back.
Shot of the model of Hamalottrap…
Insert footage of the Area 51 1945 Atomic Bomb test going off…
Shot of the model of Hamalottrap after the kittens flattened it…
“We spent two weeks putting that model together,” Erik said from his Jeep Cherokee Loredo. “The kittens did all that in ten seconds flat…”
“And 'flat’ is a good description of it,” Sebastian said, putting his arm around Domino.
“Well, you did good, and the world can sleep a little better now.”
“Why?” Sacramentor asked as he checked the one saddlebag on the 'camel’ he was going to 'ride.’ “Because we put Inhotpants back into the desert sands where he belongs?”
“Nope,” Erik said, shaking his head. “This parody is over as soon as you guys ride off into the sunset, and all the other clichés for ending a movie… Until we do the sequel, may Allah give you a camel that doesn’t spit in your face…”
Sebastian nodded as Erik put his Jeep in gear and went over a sand dune. “Desert folk have a lot of great sayings.”
“I like the one here in the script. 'Say Goodnight, Mentor'.”
“Goodnight, Mentor,” the gray-white Tom repeated.
***** Fade to black *****
This has been a Fly-By-Night Film Production
Associated with the Jellicle Mustardpiece Theatre and TV Repair Shoppe
Produced somewhat randomly by Victor
Co-Produced uncooperatively by Cheetera
And totally without the approval or consent of the Author in Charge of Heathrow Heap.
Filmed on location in various places that prefer to be anonymous so tourists will not embarrass them later on by recognizing the place from this parody. And, filmed in the glorious Sound Stage 51 of the Paramint Studios film lot without the consent, approval and/or knowledge of the administration of Paramint Studios.
No animals or mummies were harmed during the filming of this travesty.
However, a sizable lot of Ken and Barbie dolls met their maker courtesy of
Rio’s Creature Works and World Domination Studios.
Jeeps courtesy of Mattel Toy Company™, and donated by the local Toys 'R’ What? store.
Our expressed and profound apologizes to the country of Egypt, the various Dynasties of the Pharaohs, the Ministry of Antiquities, and anything having to do with Ancient Egypt and its many artifacts.
Our deepest apologies to Universal Studios for making a parody of their comedy.
Our heartfelt apologies to the Russian Air Corps of WWI
Our final apologies go to the makers and creators of Advanced Dungeons & Dragons™ and other Role-Playing Games for the creation of this storyline. We did not make our saving throw…
We now return the slagheap of your brain back to the interior of your skull…
THE END (since Death is only the Beginning…)
