CSI - CATS Incessively Screaming

THE JELLICLE CHRONICLES - PARODY

CSI (Lost Wages)

By Dennis C. Callin (Rumblepurr)

"Who Are You Really?"

Parody of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation
Episode Six: “Who Are You?”

PROLOGUE: Actually, CSI (and CSI: NY, and CSI: Miami, and NCIS) is my favorite program lately. Although it has now gone to summer reruns as I write this parody, I love it… In fact, at this moment, I am wearing a BIG DOGS© T-Shirt with CSI on the back… Well, this T-Shirt has Gil Grissom and Catherine Willows as the now-famous black-white spotted St. Bernards or whatever they are looking over a chalk-marked cat silhouette where the victim was crushed by a large bag of kitty litter… CSI here stands for Canine Scene Investigation. In short, I think I am already late in doing a CSI Parody…
    CSI, for those who do not watch the Prime Time shows on the “Boob Tube” (so called because of all the “boobs” either shown on it, star in shows on it, or watch it…), is a crime drama that takes place in Las Vegas, Nevada… Think of this, people… LAS VEGAS!!! You know… SIN CITY? Well… before they made the graphic novel and the movie??? A group of about six or seven people go around this carnival atmosphere, invading some of the most interesting sub-cultures you would ever want to see or hear about, and investigate some of the most bizarre crimes known to the criminal justice system… and sometimes discover some of the wackiest ways to prove the evidence… For example, Grissom, the lead investigator and the leader of these rather interesting people, should be a leading entomologist because of his interest in bugs, er, insects…like the ones they find in rotting corpses… EWWWWW!!!!
      Before I go to the Disclaimer here for legal purposes, and before the REAL CSI comes to investigate me, I might want to point out that the show does NOT even approach reality in how a scene is investigated… According to sources I have at my beck and call (and no, those are not my lawyers…), crime scenes are often handled by people who appear like stars of a sci-fi Hazmat film. If the stars from CSI were to actually investigate a scene dressed as they are for the show, the OJ Simpson trial would have been open-and-shut case because of all the contamination… However, because the program is only one hour long, we don’t have the time to don on the funny suits, and do all the things the actual CSI guys do…
      And give me a freakin’ break, folks! Why does the team always go around with flashlights!? You want light? Bring in a flippin’ generator and floodlamps from your local photo shop! And the solar shields and the blacklight flashlights that spot blood and semen… EWWWWW! And the laboratory! Igor would go NUTS with all the stuff they use. I love the analysis machines. Put the stuff in some distilled water in a little test tube, let the machine gulp it down, and it spits out not only the DNA pattern, but who that pattern belongs to, their blood type, their criminal record since birth, and their ending balance on their Discover Card… Wow! Where can I buy that?
      Okay… For the disclaimer and the apologies, there are just TOO many people. For one thing, you have the writers, the producers, the CBS Network, the eight or so stars, and the extras and co-stars and the also stars and should-have-been stars, and even the kid who hands out the sandwiches from the commissary or roach coach… For ALL of the people who are working, have worked, or even WILL work on CSI and any of its spinoffs? I am sorry you are the subject of this parody… However, this IS A PARODY… Although when I think of some of the LINES used in the show, I begin to wonder if I am writing the straight stuff and YOU are writing the parody… For example, in our episode for the parody, Gil Grissom tells Nick Stokes this line about the place they find a body that had been plastered into a wall… This is a true line!!! “By law, you have to disclose everything. Three bedrooms, two baths and a skeleton…” (Ta-dump-dump!) And this one with Gil Grissom asking Teri Miller (a forensic anthropologist) to work on the skull… “I need you to make a face…” I mean, how can I compete against straight lines like that?
      And regardless of the challenge, I also apologize to the cast and characters of CATS, and anyone who has ever been in the show, or will be, or worked on it, or will work on it… yada-yada-yada. These poor souls have been the vehicle for my literary snafus since I first penned “A Xmas Carol” and “The Trouble With Truffles Is…”
      YES, I AM SORRY… that I cannot make any money doing this…
      So now here is the disclaimer… The author of this parody will not make any money off of this parody (see above), and is claiming temporary insanity in the production of this literary work… Actually, having apologized and actually labeling this a parody, I am really telling any reader that if they really believe that this is something out of CSI… GET A LIFE!!!
      And now, as you sit back in your uneasy chair and flip off, er, on the television set to CBS (that’s “Cannot Burn Scripts”), the Paramint Cable Company and Roto-Rooter Service proudly deny that they had anything to do with this turkey…Please adjust your shorts, and only leave your seat during the commercials. Your feature presentation of CSI, episode six-and-one-half, “Who Are You Really?” will be right back… after these announcements…
The CAST of CSI (Crazy, Schizolid, and Insane)

The Real One

Gil Grissom
Catherine Willow
Warrick Brown
Nick Stokes
Sara Sidle
Captain Jim Brass
Greg Sanders
Dr. Al Robbins

Extras

The Unreal One

Glib Gizzsome
Cattie Pillows
Realhick Clown
Nip Stoked
Sue Asidle
Capt. Been Badass
Groggy Sandfleas
Dr. Alice Robbies

Extras

The TJC One

Munkustrap
Bombalurina
Rum Tum Tugger
Mistoffelees
Demeter
Old Deuteronomy
Pouncival
Jellylorum

Whoever Gets Caught First…

Produced by Really Useless Groupies Television, Ltd.
Directed by Rumblepurr
Assistant Director: Altaica
Cinematography Director: Quaxo
THE GREEN ROOM

      The Green Room, at least what the color on the walls is supposed to be anyhoo, was the picture of a crime scene… At least, that is the way the news reported it after the sound stage was cleaned up after the usual invasion of the Jellicle Roving Troupe of Players the previous night. After disposing of several empty bottles of catnip tonic and some discarded stuffed mice and toys, the studio was somewhat sanitized for actual filming of the real CSI television program.
      However… The night in question began this way…
      Munkustrap eased the door open and looked in. Upon doing so, he moaned, and then stepped in followed by Mistoffelees.
      “We’re doomed again, Munku,” the tuxedo cat said grimly.
      On the table out in the center of the room, a stack of scripts waited.
      “Well, there’s some hope,” Munkus stated somewhat optimistically. “There’s only eight main scripts.
      “It’s all of the First-Aide kits and fake blood that bothers me,” Misto said as they approached the table.
      “No such luck,” Munkus raspberried. “I’m the star again. I’m Glib Grizzsome, the supervisor of CSI - Lost Wages.”
      “CSI?”
      “A sort of Crimes 'R' Us program from what I understand. Here,” he said, tossing Misto a script. “You’re Nip Stoked, one of the investigators.”
      “WOW! I get a camera, latex gloves and all sorts of neat stuff. Vicki will love this!”
      “Uh, I don’t think this is for your X-Rated Website, Misto…”
      A voice sounded from the door. “I’d better not be in that pile.”
      “Your better thirds…” Misto started, and Munkus nodded.
      “…Are here, I know. Sorry, Bomba. You’re number two here. Cattie Pillows.”
      “Love the costume sketch… At least my blouse always shows cleavage.
      Another voice chimed in. “Please tell me I’m spared…”
      Bomba shook her head. “In your dreams, Deme. You’re Sue Asidle… One of the investigators who also works in the lab. And because I get to, you have cleavage shots too.”
      “I think I’ll commit suicide… But then, the show will just make me the subject of another episode, and I’ll be the butt of all the bad puns in this show.” Demeter picked up her script.
      “What was this about cleavage?” Rum Tum Tugger entered the room, late as usual.
      Bomba grinned. “We know what Clownie is always thinking about on the show… I’ll bet they’ll want him to play Special Agent DeNoseknows over on NCIS when it starts.”
      “What are you talking about, Red?”
      “You’re the comic relief in the show, babykins,” Bomba snickered as she gave him his script. “You’re Realhick Clown, an investigator from the Sticks…”
      “Way out in the sticks,” Demeter added.
      “Ha, ha, ha… Munkus? Get your…”
      “…Crazy broads away from you, I know… Ladies? Let Old D get in.”
      Sure enough, the old Tom eased through the door again, which was barely able to allow him to fit. The Jellicle Leader did not look pleased.
      “You’d think they’d leave me alone up there in the Heavyside Layer, but Nooooo… Tell me how in thunder they can get the unlisted number to the Eternal Cat?”
      Misto grinned. “Probably off the Internet. I think he had a website called GreatCat.Com?”
      “Misto?” Munkus asked, already starting to hold the bridge of his nose. “Do you realize how many readers will try that now that you mentioned it?”
      “Sorry, Munku…”
      “Who am I playing this time?” the old Leader asked hesitantly.
      “The cop for the show,” Munkus said, heaving the script over. “You’re Captain Been Badass… I’m not sure if that’s his name or his reputation…”
      “Hey, guys?” Pouncival asked from the door. “Why did I get a cast call from my agent?”
      “We needed a scapegoat,” Tugger said, throwing a script to the smallest cat of the bunch. Pounce groaned as the tome deposited him on his back on the floor. “You’re Grog Sandfleas, the geek of the show.”
      “And who am I?” came an imperial toned voice from the door.
      “Jelly?” Old Deuteronomy said with a toothy smile. “If you don’t know by now, you never will.”
      After a series of high and low paws around the Green Room, Jellylorum stepped in, picked up her script, and then studied the ones who were laughing the hardest. “Old D? When you get your next physical, you will definitely find out what the KY Gel is used for… I’m supposed to be a forensic doctor? Great Cat… I couldn’t even do the frog bit in Biology classes.”
      A voice capable of shattering glass inside a bank vault was heard outside the Green Room. “WHAT!? NOT CAST AS A STAR AGAIN!?”
      Munkus grinned. “Misto? Your better half is here…”
      Victoria stormed through the door, and forgot that the door was of the swinging variety. “Misto! How come… AAAAAIIIIEEEE!!!”
      Bomba shook her head. “Poor Vickie… Now who lowered the doorknob for the shorter members of the Tribe to come in here?”
      Pouncival hid the screwdriver set he was carrying behind his back. “Search me…”
      Electra poked her head into the Green Room. “Guys? You better get out there. We’re going to start filming in five minutes and Rumble’s already popping the Excedrine caplets.”
      “The guy really needs stronger medication,” Bomba said as she went out.
      “And a hobby,” Deme added.
      “And a sense of reality… Doesn’t he know we all went bye-bye already?” Pounce said as he staggered out with his script.
      “Need help, Vicky?” Jelly asked as she went out the door, trying in vain to stifle her giggling.
      “No,” the White Queen replied stiffly as she hobbled out. “Misto will kiss it and make it feel better later…”
      Misto sighed and followed her out. Old D rubbed his temple on one side.
      “Now I know I should have never asked the Great Cat, 'Why me?' last night…”
      Tugger held the door open for the old Leader. “What’d the Big Kahuna say?”
      “The usual… 'Because you piss me off…' Come on, Tugger…”

EPISODE SICK - WHO ARE YOU REALLY?
(Parody of Episode Six - “Who Are You?”)

Purrcival (Narrator): I can’t believe this… Because you’re actually looking at this instead of a TV screen, I have to narrate this tookus thing… Okay… We flash you… What? Oh… The screen flashes the Square of the Junkyard. Party lights on, Kittens and half-crazed adults running all over the place… In short, the usual party scene during a full moon. The camera pans in tight… (Screen above Purrcival shows Bomba’s cleavage.) on the Himalayan Mountains!
Rumpleteazer (Camera 2): Jerrriieee!!! Ya gets yer dom lenses outta Bombie’s boobs rioght now, ya bloomin’ git!
(The screen shifts over to a different cleavage - this one being the rear end of Cat Morgan bending over the kitchen sink just outside of Cassandra’s “lair” Cassie stands in the doorway in a moth-eaten bathrobe with curlers in her, ah, mane…)
Purrcival (Narrator - fanning himself): Rumpus Cat! I don’t really need my heart jumpstarted like that… Uh, let’s see… Just watch…

Cassie (Housewife): Come on, already… What is wrong with the blessed sink?
Morgan (Plumber): Well, nowt, missy. It’s all clogged up wit sumting, it is…
Cassie (Housewife): Well, duh! I told you that when I called you…
Morgan (Plumber): 'Old yer bloomin’ knickahs, Cassie, me dahlin’… Oi gots sumting 'ere…
(He tugs on his plumber’s tool and extracts a tail… a thick white one…)
Morgan (Plumber): Well now… Dis will cost ya extra, it will…
[CUT! Prepare for scene two… Crime Scene… Cue Grizzsome and Nip… Alta? Please discover who in blazes does the names for these parodies…]
(The stage crew goes crazy, strewing the entire sound stage, including Munkustrap and Misto, in yellow Crime Scene tape…)
Munkus (Grizzsome - sighing): They would have to place Cettie on the stage crew again.
Misto (Nip): Hang on… I’ve got a paw free. PRESTO! (The tape disappears from around them.)
Munkus (Grizzsome): Marvey… What have you got?
Misto (Nip - holding up the white tail with a sodden pink bow): I think it’s Griddlecrap…
Munkus (Gizzsome): Hmmm… White, feathery, with pink bow tied just short of the tip… and capable of clogging a garbage disposal… Yep… that’s Griddlecrap all right…
Misto (Nip): We really haveta say these lines?
Munkus (Grizzsome): Depends on how many different colors you want Rumble to turn before he sics Alta on us… Hey. How come I have a flashlight and you don’t?
Misto (Nip - opening his hand and letting an elemental globe of light out): I bring my own.
Munkus (Grizzsome): Well, shine it down there… (They look down the sink drain).
Misto (Nip): Eewww! How did they manage to get that much of her in there?
Munkus (Grizzsome): This is a heavy duty, restaurant model. It’ll eat anything… except Griddlecrap, I guess…
Misto (Nip) Okay… How do we get her out, then? If she can jam up one of those things, we’ll be in syndication reruns before we do that…
Munkus (Grizzsome - looking off-camera to Electra): Do I really have to give this line?
Electra (Stage Manager): Do it or you become the next body on the show.
Misto (Nip): That’s not a threat, Munku…
Munkus (Grizzsome): I know… Hang on… (He takes out a screwdriver and works it around inside the sink) Normally, I use Drano for this, but I think the show has us get the body. Now if I can pop that tooth out of the gears, this buncha crap will open like a jar of pickles…
Misto (Nip): Jar of pickles?
Munkus (Grizzsome): That’s actually the line too… (There is an obscene 'pop’ and the rest of a very chewed up wad of white fur and pink bustier is disgorged from the drain hole.)
Misto (Nip): EEEWWW! That’s gross…
Munkus (Grizzsome): That’s why people watch this show…
Misto (Nip): Well, ten pounds says that Cassie sells this crate and moves out.
Munkus (Grizzsome): This is an actual line too… By law, you got to disclose everything - three bedrooms, two baths, and a skeleton… Oooo… this soggy mess is gross…

[CUT! Cue the music for the opening credits…Ready for Opening Scene after the commercial break. Munk, Deme, Tugger, and Bomba…]

The Glee Club of Alonzo (lead singer), Tumblebrutus, Asparagus, Exotica, and Victoria sing the Opening number. Our apologies to The Who… for either using their lyrics, or having the Glee Club sing it…

Who Were you? Who, who, who, who?
I really wanna know (Who were you? Who, who, who, who?)
'Cause I really wanna know (Who, who, who, who… were… you…?)

Alonzo (Singer): Wow… I get to sing something from The Who and we’re restricted to just the chorus… How cheap is that?
Munkus (Grizzsome): Just be glad you’re not in the cast…

(The scene department changes to Grizzsome’s Office - which is the inside of the Closet he usually shares with Deme and Bomba… Tugger grabs the pillow next to the door while Bomba grabs Munkus… After a fifteen minute delay, the set is ready…)

Munkus (Grizzsome): Another scene change like that, and I WILL be the corpse for the next episode…
Bomba (Pillows): Smooth-talker…
Munkus (Grizzsome): Okay, here’s the assignments. Nippy and I will be looking into the Griddlecrap we found…
Deme (Asidle): What’s the big deal, Munk, er, Grizzsome? If it’s Griddlecrap, then it’s gotta be Griddlebone…
Munkus (Grizzsome): Deme, this is TV… We can’t be logical about things when the scripts are written by a bunch of hyper chimpanzees… You get an IGS…
Deme (Asidle): An IGS?
Munkus (Grizzsome): An Intruder Guardian Stomping. Someone came through Shadowdancer’s pipe without letting him know beforehand…
Deme (Asidle): That means I’m getting a body that’s not in any better shape than yours…
Tugger (Clown): Wait a fraggin’ mo here! I gotta do this bit with the Space Cadet? OW! Hey, Munkus? Where does she get those stale bagels from, anyhoozits?
Munkus (Grizzsome): Army surplus comes to mind… Tugger? Uh, Hicky baby? You go with Deme and see what Dancer left intact.
Tugger (Clown): Jolly… Come one, Deme… (As Tugger goes out, Deme makes a face like she is about to gag up a hairball the size of Quaxo…)
Bomba (Pillows): Now that we’re alone, my script says I lean over so I can give the show its obligatory cleavage shot… What’ve got for me? Hmmmm? Munk? You can’t say your next line with your tongue’s on the floor like that…
Munkus (Grizzsome): It’s the clothes… they’re a turn-on since we usually don’t wear them. Ah… This one will interest you… A pole dancer was raped…
Bomba (Pillows): That’s not a cheap shot at me because of my body, is it? (She does a hip bump that nearly propels Munkus out of the scene.)
Munkus (Grizzsome): This is supposed to be Vegas, Bomba, uh, Pillows. Showgirls are part of the scenery here…
Vickie (Off camera - showgirl): And I’m one of them and you’re only an ex-dancer!
Bomba (Pillows - sticking her tongue out at Vickie): Bite me, baby… What else?
Munkus (Grizzsome): The suspect is your ex-hubby, Alonzo… uh, Eddie…
Alonzo (Off camera - Eddie): All right!!! Hey… If Bomba’s my ex, why would I wanna rape Vickie?
Vickie (Off camera - Showgirl): I know a Tom who will be the next body on the street…
Bomba (Pillows): I’ll take it… Thanks, handsome… Later…
(She bends over again for another cleavage shot, and then exits. It takes the stage crew five minutes to mop up the drool…)
[CUT! Next scene - the interrogation room… uh, use the bathtub. Bomba and Alonzo.]

Bomba (Pillows): Hey, Lonzo… uh, baby… What’s shaking?
Alonzo (Eddie): You are. Don’t you know you’re supposed to wear a bra for this show?
Bomba (Pillows): With this blouse they got me in? I’d pop the buttons for sure. I think Munk had wardrobe give me one two sizes too small…
Alonzo (Eddie): I didn’t rape the girl…
Bomba (Pillows): Since it’s Vickie, I believe you…
Vickie (Off camera - Showgirl): HEY!
Alonzo (Eddie): Well, it was like the sleep pile during the Jellicle Ball, you know, and she was there, and we just got it on…
Bomba (Pillows): I’ll bet… Hope you like the Pound, sucker…
Alonzo (Eddie): And what about Linseed, our kitten?
Jemmina (Linseed - the kitten playing with her… dimples): That’s cute liddle old me!
(The sound of dry heaves around the set will be edited out later…)
Bomba (Pillows - holding the bridge of her nose): I must remember to strangle my agent for getting me these parts. Bye, Lonzo… uh, Eddie…
[CUT! I need another bottle… maximum strength… Next scene, the morgue… Bathtub again, switch over to the curtained area over there. Misto and Munkus.]
Misto (Nip): That makes us sound like a lawyer firm… What are we doing in the Morgue scene? Isn’t Jelly supposed to be here?
Munkus (Grizzsome): This makes us look like we know what we’re doing… (They look down at the soggy mess laying on a coffee table that subs for the morgue slab.) Remind me to skip lunch… I’d say she 's dead, Jim… Wrong line… Uh, she was killed with a lead pipe in the kitchen…
Misto (Nip): How’d you figure that out?
Munkus (Grizzsome): Easy - that was the kitchen’s garbage disposal and what does a kitchen sink usually have?
Misto (Nip): Got ya… What about these numerous holes in the pelt?
Munkus (Grizzsome): Uh… okay. She was stabbed with a kitchen knife…
Misto (Nip): You’re a regular Shylock Homey here, aren’t you?
Electra (SM - tossing Munkus what looks like a small soccer ball - it is a skull): Catch, Munkus!
Munkus (Grizzsome): What do I do with this? Hamlet’s soliloquy on modern dental neglect?
Electra (SM): The line!
Munkus (Grizzsome): Goes to show that Griddlebone always did have a hard head to survive the disposal… Okay, the line… “Who are you really?”
[CUT! I shall never be able to watch Hamlet again… I will constantly hear, “Alas, poor Griddle, I knew her a lot…” Very well… The Vicarage Pipe - call in Dancer, Tugger, Deme and Old Deuteronomy.]
(The scene reveals Dancer and Old D standing next to a furry grease spot in front of the Vicarage Pipe. Deme and Tugger come in.)

Tugger (Clown): Hey, Old D, how’re they hangin’, man?
Old D (Badass): Tugger… I’m supposed to be a police detective here. You know Constable Tieup?
Tugger (Clown): Hey, Dancer, my main man, how’re they doing?
Old D (Basass): Munkus? What’s with Tugger?
Tugger (Clown): I was told that the actor who has this part is the same color I am…
Munkus (Grizzsome): Tugger, we don’t need the NAACP coming down on us. Just do the part your own way, and leave the street jive alone…
Deme (Asidle): Let’s get on with this before Rumble starts banging his head on the control console. What happened here last night?
Dancer (Tieup): This… uh, suspect tried to enter the Yard without permission, so I stomped on him.
Deme (Asidle): Sounds good to me. Let’s go back to Munkus…
Old D (Badass): Deme… I think we have to establish here that this, uh, mess is here for a reason?
Deme (Asidle): Spoilsport… Okay, anyone got a spatula so I can scrape him up?
Tugger (Clown): Here’s one and a doggie poo bag… Anybody witness this?
Old D (Badass): What’s the problem? Our Guardian saw someone come in and he flattened him?
Tugger (Clown): The script says I ask that, mon capitan…
Deme (Asidle): I also need to scrape whatever is left on officer Tieup’s feet… UCK! That’s abso-posi-lutely gross!
Tugger (Clown): Well, Dancer really did stomp on him…
[CUT! Is it time for a commercial break yet?]
[Altaica: Not yet, tiger… Next scene. The lab. Misto and Munkus.]

(Munkus is looking at the kitchen sink and a disassembled Garbage Disposal. Misto shakes his head.)
Misto (Nip): That is one bodacious unit. What do you suppose they put that honking thing in a Junkyard for if it still worked good enough to munch up Griddlebone?
Munkus (Grizzsome): That’s why people watch this show. All I know is that Cassie didn’t do this one.
Misto (Nip): Oh? Why not?
Munkus (Grizzsome): Do you think Cassie knows how to cook, much less use a garbage disposal? Her idea of a home-cooked meal is a local five star restaurant… However, if it weren’t for the Griddlecrap, the disposal wouldn’t have jammed, and the murder would never have been found…
Misto (Nip): Too bad… I mean, I think that was the idea…
[CUT! Are you certain that the television scenes are always this minimal?]
[Altaica: Yes, dearest. Especially in this show. They like to milk it by showing shots of Vegas every chance they get so that the performers have coffee and tea breaks…]
[Hmmm… Next Scene. Another part of the lab. Deme and Tugger again.]

Tugger (Clown): Again? Why can’t I team up with Bomba…? OW! That one was harder than the others!
Deme (Asidle): Pecan Bagel… Okay, Clown… You know something? I like that stage name for you.
Tugger (Clown): You would… Tell me something. Why would someone be idiotic enough to come into the Yard during Dancer’s watch? I mean, you don’t waltz in here and not say, “Hey Dancer! This is your buddy so-and-so and I’m coming in!”
Deme (Asidle): What are you talking about?
Tugger (Clown): Check out the picture of the splatter zone… (Tugger puts a Polaroid picture of a splotch of ketchup on the table.) Tell me that isn’t a planned stomp!
Deme (Asidle): Time out… Who dreamed up the idea that Tugger can think logically?
Electra (SM): Just go with it!
Deme (Asidle): Old D isn’t gonna like this.
Tugger (Clown): Well, that’s just tough tiddlywinks…
[CUT! Now?]
[Altaica: Not yet…]
[Next scene then. Munkus and… let me see… Tantomile?]
Tanto (via telepathy): Yessss?
[You play Teri Spiller, the forensic anthropologist…]
Tugger (Clown): The whatter?
Tanto (Spiller - grinning): I play with bones…
Tugger (Clown - backing away): Munkus? She’s creeping me out again!!!
Tanto (Spiller): Poor wittle Tuggie…

(Another part of the lab - Munkus is watching a spider crawl around on his hand - and is about to freak out. Tantomile walks in on this.)
Tanto (Spiller): Are you Glib Grizzsome?
Munkus (Grizzsome): As if I had any choice in the matter…
Tanto (Spiller): Sorry about this but this is the line I have after that. Or, should I call you spider-man?”
Munkus (Grizzsome): I’m sorry too…
Tanto (Spiller): That’s a black widow spider… highly poisonous…
Munkus (Grizzsome - suddenly doing the fandango on the spider): I’ll get Jerrie for giving me that… Who are you really? Uh, sorry… (He grabs the prop skull and flips it to her. She catches it expertly.) I need you to make me a face.
Tanto (Spiller - crossing her eyes and projecting her upper teeth over her lower ones): How’s this one?
Munkus (Grizzsome): Better than the pun I gave…
[CUT! I will not ask…]
[Altaica: It is… No, actually! Commercial Break!!!]

(Everyone crashes for a catnap…a very short one since this is only the 3-minute set. The bell rings too soon and everyone grouses back to their places.)

[Scene is the interrogation room again. Dancer, Deme and Tugger.]
Deme (Asidle): Dancer? Uh, Constable Tieup? Can you tell us why the victim here left such a concentric circle type of splatter?
Dancer (Tieup): Hey, I managed to catch it just right on that one. It was a full somersault, and I stuck the landing - right on top of the little pervert.
Tugger (Clown): Can anyone prove it?
Old D (Badass - coming in): Hold the phone here… What’s going on?
Tugger (Clown): Just shooting the breeze with our good old buddy Dancer, er, Tieup…
Old D (Badass): Next time, warn me. I’m supposed to be in the scene.
Deme (Asidle): The splatter is a concentric one. Dancer had a straight shot at the little snot.
Old D: (Badass): So he got lucky… Look. The script says you have to prove it, so do it…
(Old D moves Dancer away, leaving Deme and Tugger to twiddle their dewclaws.)
Tugger (Clown): Wow… And I thought Munkus had a burr up his… OW! How many of those do you have?
Deme (Asidle): This program is an hour long, so I have plenty…
[CUT! Next scene is the lab with Tanto and Munkus again.]

(Tanto has a small pail near her as the sink and the skull. Munkus is looking in the pail.)
Munkus (Grizzsome): Looks like jello…
Tanto (Spiller): It is… Chocolate cream jello… good for making faces on skulls…
Munkus (Grizzsome): And you just smear it on?
Tanto (Spiller): With a little mystic help… (She scoops out a handful and then nails the skull between the eyes with it. A little of it dribbles down the side of the nose.)
Munkus (Grizzsome): That’s it?
Tanto (Spiller): Patience, my dear. This is why Princesses make mud pies… other than to throw at little Toms.
Munkus (Grizzsome): I often wondered about that. Most of them had rocks in the ones they threw at me…
Tanto (Spiller - playing with the jello): Had problems with the girls, Munkus, er, Grizzsome?
Munkus (Grizzsome): Hmmm… Your Witch powers are helping you out here, aren’t they?
Tanto (Spiller): That’s what makes me the best…
Munkus (Grizzsome): Any truth to the rumor that you tried out for Bewitched - The Movie?
Tanto (Spiller): I’m not saying. Okay, there she is… Eeewww… Griddlebone looked a bit surprised…
Munkus (Grizzsome): Diving face first into a garbage disposal usually does that to a person…
[CUT! News scene with Munkus, Misto and Bomba. Sundancer? Please do the newcaster.]

(Sundancer appears on the TV set in the lab where Munkus and Misto are sitting. The black Queen constantly is smoothing down her fur as she faces the camera.)
Munkus (Grizzsome): The ultimate for a TV show. Someone on TV within another TV show… I hate to think of the other possibilities.
Sunny (Newcaster): The remains of a large glob of white fur have been somewhat reconstructed by the Lost Wages CSI unit. A forensic anthromorphic scientist has provided us with this face… (Sunny makes a wide-eyed horrified look of surprise.) Anyone knowing who this is can contact the Lost Wages Crime Lab at 555-1212 and ask for Vickie.
Vickie (Off camera): I heard that!!!
Sunny: Whooppeee…
(Bomba walks in, bends over to play with her Capri pants and then smiles at Munkus and Misto.)
Bomba (Pillows): Thanks, guys…What’s with the Information number? Munkus? Your mouth is open…
Munkus (Grizzsome): Oh… Uh, Hi… How’d it go with Eddie?
Bomba (Pillows): Misto? Your better half wants you…. (Misto sees the 'Get Lost’ signal and hastily exits.) I don’t know. He mentioned something about our kitt… Now there’s a casting for you. Alonzo and I producing a kitt like Jemmi…?
Munkus (Grizzsome): Well… She is mostly black and white with a little scarlet… And, she IS built like a small brick outhouse…
Bomba (Pillows): Don’t go there, Munk…In fact, I think Jelly’s looking for you… Later, handsome…
[CUT! Nice, Sunny. Munkus? The morgue scene with Jelly?]

(Munkus walks over to where Jellylorum is standing over the remains and the actual skull)
Munkus (Grizzsome): The more I see this, the more grossed out I get…
Jelly (Dr. Robbies): Welcome to the club. Okay, I looked through what we have here. The surprised look comes from someone nearly bashing the back of her head in… and I also found sand and salt in her fur…
Munkus (Grizzsome): Salt and sand? What about her tan lines?
Jelly (Dr. Robbies): Munkus… uh, Grizzsome. It’s slightly hard to tan through fur. Someone tried to clean her clock real good. There’s a fracture right here at the back of the skull.
Munkus (Grizzsome): At the beach?
Jelly (Dr. Robbies): The fur shows signs of wearing a thong… so I’m not ruling that out…
Misto (Nip - coming back in): Uh, Munkus? That number you gave out? We got a positive ID…It was Griddlebone.
Munkus (Grizzsome): Groovy… Next of Kin?
Misto (Nip): Some old lady named Fay Ray…
[CUT! Please tell me that was a typing error.]
[Altaica: Dear… You are talking about something written by cousins of Cheetah and Tarzan…]
[Quite… Next scene. Fay Ray’s living room… Quaxo? Can we use your abode for this?]
[Quaxo: My Lady Scatty is already waiting for you…]
Munkus (Grizzsome): Scatty? Great Cat! She’s just about as built as Bomba…
Scatty (Mrs. Ray): But mated to Quaxo… However, I’m having a bit of trouble thinking of Griddlebone as my baby daughter. Tabitha, she is not, Munkus, er, Mr. Grizzsome.
Munkus (Grizzsome): I think half the male population of the Tribe knows that, Scatty. Uh, did, uh, Griddlebone like any water sports?
Scatty (Mrs. Ray): She does like diving, but usually Toms don’t really think of it as a water sport, if you catch my meaning. (She winks.)
Munkus (Grizzsome): Uh, yeah…
Electra (SM): Getting close to the 'R' Rating there, you two…
Scatty (Mrs. Ray): Griddlebone herself was an R Rating, Leccy…
Electra (SM): Uh, yeah…
[CUT! Bother… Hospital Room of April Blewit. Victoria, Bomba and Coricopat. Cori? You play Inspector Egads.]
[Cori: Egads?]
[Sorry, old boy, but I have no control over the names of the characters.]
Vickie (April): About time you guys got to me. Until now, this thing has been dredging the cess pool.
Cori (Insp. Egads): And about to go even deeper… Ms. Blewit… Please tell me what happened…
Vickie (April): Well, it first started when my agent phoned me and told me I had this part in this travesty of a literary work. I swore I’d…
Cori (Insp. Egads): The rape, Ms. Blewit. Although what you went through with your agent might be close to being raped, I guess…
Bomba (Pillows): Cori? I don’t give you cleavage shots because you’re immune.
Vickie (April): Well, you’re too late anyway. I’ve shown him mine.
Bomba (Pillows): Vickie, dear… Misto has more than you’ve got, and that’s because he works out.
Cori (Insp. Egads):Bomba… uh, Ms. Pillows? Are you sure about this?
Bomba (Pillows): Yeah. Did they already do the rape kit here?
Cori (Insp. Egads): Yes. Jenny came in and did it. Vickie here wanted Misto to play Doctor, but Rumble wouldn’t let him.
Vickie (April): Tell the old Bat next time to warm up the tools. I swear she took them out of the freezer before she used them on me!
Bomba (Pillows): I know she did. Lawdy! People heard that scream up in Reno, I’ll bet…
[CUT! How soon before we go to the Half Hour Commerical?]
[Altaica: After the next scene…]
[Go to the Parking Lot... Uh, the Square will do.]
[Altaica: Uh, tiger… we don’t drive cars…]
[Dearest, this is Las Vegas… Use the Barbie Jeep we used in C*A*T*S]
(In the Square, Deme and Tugger are looking at the Barbie Jeep…)
Tugger (Clown): What does looking over a Barbie Jeep have to do with the dude that Dancer splattered all over the Vicarage Post?
Deme (Asidle): We’re looking for splatter residue on this Jeep…
Tugger (Clown): Eeewww! I think I’m gonna add some splatter residue in here…
Deme (Asidle): Tugger? If you barf in here, you’re cleaning it up. Now… Look around…
Skimble (The Valet): Pssssst!
Tugger (Clown): Deme? Don’t look now but I think someone’s trying to tell us something…
Deme (Asidle): Uncle Skimble? What are you doing here?
Skimble (Valet): I’m sure nae doing the lambada… I saw what happened.
Tugger (Clown): Okay, we’re all ears…
Skimble (Valet): Ach, laddie. Dinnae hand me the straight lines… I was parking a corvette…
Tugger (Clown): Whoa, whoa, whoa! They got a corvette here?
Skimble (Valet): Aye! Fastest kiddie car around…
Tugger (Clown): Just slip me the keys to that bad boy then…
Deme (Asidle): TUGGER! Ahem… Ah, Uncle? What happened then?
Skimble (Valet): I heard Dancer tell the little snot tae come through the pipe, and then look down immediately. He said later that he would leave a twenty pound note there iffen he didn’t tell about something.
Tugger (Clown): So the little snot was set-up?
Skimble (Valet): Aye.
Deme (Asidle): That should make everyone come back after the Half-Hour commercial break.
[CUT! Commercial Break. Ten minutes of hard sell tactics. American Telly… I shall never understand it.]

(The cast orders pizza - with lots of anchovies - with the exception of Cassandra, who orders a large salad…Some of the pizza is added to the Griddlecrap evidence for realism effects…Pouncival ordered pepperoni and added four slices to the chocolate jello mold face for eyes, nose and mouth. Rumblepurr is being given a scalp massage by Altaica. Some of the trash left on the set will later stymie the real CSI crew for a long time. In fact, the evidence was later transferred to Cold Case, and then Medium to actually figure out how the Jellicle Cast got on the studio lot in the first place…)

[PLACES! Last commercial is being shown… With autopsies, bloody corpses and the lot, you have to guess that the one being played is the Paris Hilton one with Carl’s Burgers…]
[Tugger: Hey! That commercial is ART!]
[Deme: Art? How come that commercial can be art? It’s an old Grade B Porn flick fifteen minute routine.]
[Bomba: It’s art because it wasn’t done on a Jack In the Box commercial. Deme? How do you know anything about Grade B Porn movies?]
[Deme: I have to watch you show your flicks to Munk all the time, remember?]
[Electra: That should ruin the PG13 ratings for sure… PLACES!!!]
(The set is a locker room… Think of the pile with several small boxes that the Tribe uses as a post office…Tugger and Munkus are at their lockers. Munkus is fully dressed, but Tugger takes off his “Professional Stripper” T-Shirt, causing a few of the Queens on the set to wolf-whistle.)
Munkus (Grizzsome): Add clothes to us, and when we take it off, we suddenly have erogenous zones…
Bomba (Off camera): That’s why they gave me cleavage shots!
Munkus (Grizzsome): Uh, yeah… Hey, Clown? You talk to the rape suspect, uh, Eddie Pillows yet?
Tugger (Clown - looking first at Munkus and then off camera at Bomba, who signals 'Fake it!’): uh… Yes?
Bomba (Pillows - walking in just as Tugger pulls down his pants to reveal his teddy-bear briefs.): Oooo. Tugger. Those are you all right…
Tugger (Clown - trying to cover up, and failing. He trips and falls behind the lockers.) Thanks a lot, Bomba… Ow… I think I’ll stay down here for a while… Medic!
Bomba (Pillows - now holding her nose.): Okay, I didn’t turn it over to anyone… I’m doing it to protect Linseed.
Munkus (Grizzsome - holding his nose as well): I’m afraid to ask but I will… Linseed?
Bomba (Pillows): According to the script synopsis, I named the kitten after the oil Lonzo and I were playing with when we conceived her… I was into painting at the time… body painting… (Munkus smirks.) Okay, I was the brush…
Munkus (Grizzsome): That explains the one you gave me last Christmas that had a lot of colored circles with a little round dot in the middle…
Electra (SM): Are we shooting for the NC17 rating now, guys? GET BACK WITH THE SCRIPT!
Bomba (Pillows): Geez… Usually it’s Alta with the PMS… Okay, Munkie… uh, Grizz. Here is the evidence so far. The victim (*gag*)… You know how hard it is to visualize this? I mean, Lonzo and Vickie banging away on each other, scratching and moaning… Hey… That gives me an idea, Munk. You wanna ditch this show for a hour or two…?
Electra (SM): BOMBA!!!
Bomba (Pillows - flinching): Geeeeeeeez - Us! Loosen up the wad in your panties, girlfriend. Okay, let me see if I can get through this without going through dry heaves. The victim’s fingernails had evidence of fur and skin from Lonzo... er, Eddie. And the Vickie, er, the victim had an interesting set of bruises on her…
Tugger (Clown - moaning in pain behind the lockers): That means they like rough sex…Oooo… Bomba? Come back here and make it feel better!
Bomba (Pillows): Don’t make me ill, Tugger… Knowing Vickie, she talked Lonzo into it…
Vickie (Off Camera): HEY! Bite me, Bomba!
Bomba (Pillows): You’re not my type…

[CUT! Let us proceed from this scene before I have to have the fire hoses deployed. Next scene is the Lab. Pouncival, Misto and Munkus.]
Pounce (Groggy): Finally. After all these starring roles, I am now regulated to bit parts. And this costume? I realize I’m the geek, but do I need these Hairy Putter glasses for this role?
Electra (SM): Co’mere and I’ll correct that for you…
Pounce (Groggy): Nuh-uh… Last time I did that, you were gonna punch me out, and I said - You wouldn’t hit a guy with glasses on, would ya?’
Misto (Nip): Did she?
Electra (SM): One heartbeat later…
Pounce (Groggy): No respect for stars…
Electra (SM): He saw them for half a day…
[DO THE FRAGGING LINES!!!]
Pounce (Groggy): He’s turned that color again, Leccy. Uh… Misto! Is this how many grains of sand Cettie is missing to become a beach?
Misto (Nip): You’re looking into a microscope, doofus. For that joke, Cettie is a bulldozer scoop of sand short of a beach… What can you tell me?
Pounce (Groggy): I don’t know… I need more research. Think I can get sent to Hawaii or even Monaco?
Munkus (Grizzsome): I hear there’s sand on the moon. When do you wanna go…?
Pounce (Groggy): Uh, hi, Munkus, er, Grizzsome, uh, boss-man… Uh, this sand isn’t sand… it’s, uh, fake sand…
(Munkus looks at Misto, and Misto shrugs.)
Munkus (Grizzsome): Fake sand? Why should that be a problem? This IS Vegas…
Pounce (Groggy): Uh, yeah… but take a look…
(Munkus looks into the microscope, and comes up with two black circles around his eyes. Misto cracks up)
Munkus (Grizzsome): Lemme guess. The old fake-black-eyes microscope eyepiece trick, right?
Pounce (Groggy): And I like the way you fall for it… OWOWOWOWOW! Leggo the ear, Munkus!!!
Munkus (Grizzsome): Give me the answer - from the script before Rumble goes ballistic on us…
Pounce (Groggy - massaging his bruised and mangled ear): Sheese-loueeez. Regular sand is smooth, almost like really tiny marbles… but this sand looks like a golf ball using steroids…
Munkus (Grizzsome): Could it be from the garbage disposal we pulled her from?
Pounce (Groggy): Nope. This is crushed rock…
Misto (Nip): So?
Munkus (Grizzsome): We don’t send Pounce to the moon… yet…
[And CUT! - The Closet set that substitutes for the CSI Office. Old Deuteronomy, Tugger, Deme, and Dancer.]
Old D (Badass - trying to enter the closet and getting stuck): Tugger? Please give me a hand here…
Tugger (Clown - applauding): Glad to it, Fearful Leader…
Old D (Badass): I wonder if the Dark Cat takes commissions… What’s Dancer still doing here?
Tugger (Clown): Last time I checked, he and Sunny were doing the lambada.
Old D (Badass): I don’t know why I ever ask you anything… (Sees Deme coming in) Deme, er, Asidle… I just got word that Dancer is getting shafted because of some drunken Scot alley cat…
Skimble (Off camera): I wouldnae besmirch me like thot, Old Deut…
Dancer (Tieup): I told you I should’ve worn some sorta cover shoe when I stomped that little turkey. What gave me away, Deme?
Deme (Asidle): The keys to the Barbie Jeep were in the muck we scraped off your feet.
Tugger (Clown): You’re going down, Dancer…
Dancer (Tieup): And you’re going up, Tugger… Up the two-incher in the Ironmongery Pile…
Munkus (Grizzsome): Whoa up, Constable… Not in the closet, please… Hey, Nip! Take this guy outside!
Misto (Nip): Oh, yeah! Little old me is going to take out one the biggest bruisers we got short of Quaxo…
Munkus (Grizzsome): You got magic, lamebrain, and he doesn’t…
Misto (Nip - grinning and showing sparkles around his paws): Oh, yeah… Come along, Dancer, er, Tieup… Or I will singe your fur allllll over your body!
(Misto and Dancer leave.)
Munkus (Grizzsome): Deme? Take Tugger for a walk, and take along plenty of bagels…
Deme (Asidle): With Tugger near me, I always have an even dozen…
(Deme and Tugger leave - with Tugger watching Deme very carefully…)
Munkus (Grizzsome): And that leaves us, Old D… er, Captain… Cribbage, chess or checkers?
[CUT! Oy vey iz mir… Alta, my dear? Someone is currently observing the entrances to the studio for the law enforcement vehicles, are they not?]
[Altaica: Yes, tiger… All of us do want a head start if they raid this place.]
[Excellent… Next scene is a restaurant shot… use the boxes out in front of the tire. Let me see. Bomba, Alonzo, and Cettie? You are the waitress…]
(Bomba is sitting on one box, looking bored. Alonzo comes in and sits down across from her.)

Bomba (Pillows): I needed to go on a diet anyway… Well, Lonzo, er, Eddie? What happened? Disguised yourself in the litter box and got tossed out with the rest of the clumps?
Alonzo (Eddie): Good one, Bomba, er Cattie. (Cettie comes on in a Denny’s style waitress outfit.) The usual, miss…
Cettie (Waitress): The usual what?
Alonzo (Eddie): Just go and get what Jenny has for you…
Cettie (Waitress): Wow! That was sweet of Jenny to get me something… (Cettie exits.)
Bomba (Pillows): Ya know, I don’t think Cettie has all the jacks on the ground when she tosses the ball…
Alonzo (Eddie): No kidding…
Bomba (Pillows): So what’d you do? Swipe the “Get Out of Jail Free” card outta a Monopoly© set?
Alonzo (Eddie): Ha ha ha. You should do stand-up, Bomba…
Cettie (Waitress - coming back in with a steaming bowl): Jenny thought you should start out with a bowl of soup… OOOPSY!
(Alonzo get drenched with hot tomato soup…)
Bomba (Pillows): You look a little red there, Lonzo…
Deme (Asidle): MACAVITY!!!
Bomba (Pillows): 'Cuse me, Lonzo. Deme just spazzed out, and I gotta get her with a cold fire hose…
Cettie (Waitress): Jenny said it’d be good for you… Is it?
Alonzo (Eddie- drumming his fingers on the table): Oh, just marvey… Your tip just got smaller…
Cettie (Waitress): Oh, like, poo…
[Oh, like, CUT! Does anyone in the neighborhood have Excedrine available…?]
[Altaica: Here. Put this wet towel over your eyes, and lie down for a while, Rumble. Next scene is a garage and the Barbie Jeep. Deme, Tugger.]
(Deme comes out soaking wet, and then shakes herself all over Tugger. Now they BOTH look sopping wet…)
Tugger (Clown): Thanks a lot, Spazzy…
Deme (Asidle): You’re welcome, ValleyTom…
Tugger (Clown): Space Cadet…
Deme (Asidle): Narcissus fop…
Electra (SM): Rumble said you will both be the stars of the next Parody if you do not get back to your lines… That’s verbaten, by the way…
Tugger (Clown): Ver-whatum?
Deme (Asidle): It means he’s not bluffing…
Tugger (Clown): I knew that… Ah, what are we doing, looking in a Barbie Jeep?
Deme (Asidle): Looking for a clue as to where they put your brain, Leopard Wonder! (She rifles through the glove compartment.)
Tugger (Clown): Barbie Jeeps have glove compartments?
Deme (Asidle): Toms! We have to have someplace to store our hairbrushes, lipstick, powder, rouge… Hey, Rumble? Jellicle Queens don’t use that stuff!
[We also are not supposed to wear clothes, but Parodies are not logical…]
Deme (Asidle): You can say that again… Ah! Here were are! Dancer’s note to the little squab…
Tugger (Clown): Too bad we missed all those puns about the bullet from Dancer’s gun going into a spare tire so the tire covered his tracks, right, Deme?
Deme (Asidle): And the rejoinder that states that it would make our case 'airtight.’
Tugger (Clown): Good thing we didn’t even mention those lines…
Deme (Asidle): Amen to that…
[Altaica: CUT! Go back to the lab again…Same personnel…]

Deme (Asidle): There’s just one problem with this note to the little twerp being Dancer’s, er, Constable Tieup’s.
Tugger (Clown): What’s that, Deme, er, babe…? OW! What wazzat for!?
Deme (Asidle): Never call me 'babe’ - not even on a good mood day.
Tugger (Clown): PMS medication not working again, Deme? OW! Forgot you had more of those… Okay. What’s wrong with the note?
Deme (Asidle): Dancer doesn’t know how to write…
Tugger (Clown): Oh…
[Altaica: CUT! Tiger wasn’t kidding when he said this show has short scenes… uh, next scene is a strip joint. We’ll use Vickie’s lair…]
[Vickie: HEY! What’s with using MY Place?]
[Altaica: Who played with the bedpost during the Macavity number?]
[Vickie Never mind…]
[Altaica: Bomba and Cori… Presley? What are you doing here?]
{Presley: Someone said they had a part that fit me…]
[Altaica: What? You mean a sleazy, strip club owner who hired Bomba at one time?]
[Presley: That’s the one…]
(Bomba and Cori step into the club - which was all frilly and sleazy…)

Cori (Insp. Egads): Who gets to say the line, 'Great Cat, whatta dump?’
Bomba (Pillows): I guess you do, Hey, Pres… How’re they shakin’?
Presley (Owner): Hi, babydoll. Lay one on me… (Bomba backhands him over the bar. He stands back up, rubbing his chin.) Yep, same old Bomba…
Bomba (Pillows): Old? I ought not to lean over the bar for the cleavage shot then…
Presley (Owner): I take it back! You’re really young and wow!
Bomba (Pillows - leaning on the bar so that her… uh, superstructure threatens to leave its containment garment): I love it when you beg, Pres. Nicci must really adore you.
Presley (Owner): Considering that she has just as much as you do and knows how to use it, yeah, baby… So, what brings you in here to slum? You wanna take up the pole after Vickie gets done with it?
Bomba (Pillows): Only if you clean it off real good with Lysol and bleach…
Vickie (Off camera): HEY! Bite me!
Bomba (Pillows): I told you that don’t do anything for me, Vickie. As I was asking…Know anything about the White Dame over there and my ex-hubby Eddie?
Presley (Owner): Other than I had to use the fire hose on them all the time? Hey, Bomba, not that I’d say anything but why would a guy who had you on his meal ticket wanna changeover to the white broad?
Vickie (Off camera): You can bite me, too, Pres!
Presley (Owner): I’ll consider it. Well?
Bomba (Pillows): Ask Lonzo…
Cori (Insp. Egads - watching Vickie): You mean you used to dress like that?
Bomba (Pillows): You mean like that? Same outfit… Always did like it when it was tight and I threatened to fall out of it at any given moment - unlike SOME Queens we know…
Vickie (Off camera): Stick in your wazoo, Bomba!
Bomba (Pillows): Hey, Vickie? How’d you like to have that pole permanently placed?”
[Altaica: Uh… CUT before she carries through with that threat… Scene shift to Exotica’s lair. Exotica and Gus Jr. and add Misto and Munkus.]
(Misto and Munkus knock on the panel, and Exotica appears.)
Exotica (Ameye Bender): Well if it isn’t the Blues Brothers…
Munkus (Grizzsome): Uh, yeah… I’m Glib Grizzsome from the Lost Wages Crime Lab. This is Nip Stoked.
Misto (Nip): Hi!
Exotica (Ameye): You two collecting for UNICEF? If so, Halloween’s a little early.
Munkus (Grizzsome): Xottie… Uh, We’re here investigating the disappearance of Griddlebone.
(Gus Jr. comes out.)
Gus Jr. (Jazzy Bender): 'Lo… What’s going on?
Munkus (Grizzsome): Nothing much. Just here to do our thing, you know, like case the place. Misto? Do your usual walkabout.
(Misto strolls about the lair. Munkus looks at an old fishbowl that has about three fish in it.)
Munkus (Grizzsome): I thought you weren’t supposed to put more than one Siamese Fighting Fish in the same tank.
Exotica (Ameye): That’s because they are piranha…
(Munkus is watching Gus Jr. as he drops a turkey leg in the bowl. There is the sound of a buzzsaw going off, and the bare bone is spat out of the bowl.)
Munkus (Grizzsome): Cute pets.
Gus Jr. (Jazzy): Cuts down on the 'crap’ around here…
Misto (Nip): Uh, yeah… (He steps on a rug, and they both disappear into a hole in the floor. There is a splash and the slight sound of a buzzsaw going off before Misto reappears with a portion of his tail bald.) YEOWCH!
Munkus (Grizzsome): Hmmm… Uh, this is just a guess on my part but did you have a problem with your first tank of fish? Like too much SAND on the bottom of the tank…?
Gus Jr. (Jazzy): I think you two better leave before Xottie shows you why her team won the Jamaican Field Hockey Championship and the Gold medal at the Olympics.
Misto (Nip - swallowing hard when he sees Xottie pick up a curved stick.): Uh… yeah…
Munkus (Grizzsome): We’ll be back… For a SANDwich…
[CUT! Thank you my dear…]
[Altaica: You woke up just in time to go to the 45-Minute commercial set. Good timing.]
[Oh… Everyone take five!]

(Once more, the cast and crew crash for a catnap. The bell goes off too early for most…)

[Next Scene… The Lab… Bombalurina and Pouncival.]
Bomba (Pillows): Talk to me, Pounce, er Geeky…
Pounce (Groggy): Are you aware of what they get with a rape kit? EEEWWW!!! And these guys do this for a living? Why?
Bomba (Pillows - leaning on the lab table for the cleavage shot): For the same reason you’re hyperventilating now. Some guys get their jollies this way. I really don’t think Vickie was raped…
Pounce (Groggy): Huh? Why?
Bomba (Pillows): Other than the fact that I was his wifey at one time, and now he’s with Vickie? I found out that she’s on birth control…
Pounce (Groggy): What type?
Bomba (Pillows): Since we’re doing a PG13 Parody here, it’s the type you use just before Whoppee…
Pounce (Groggy): So she… hoboy…
Bomba (Pillows): Yep. Vickie knew about it beforehand…
Pounce (Groggy): And anything after that… What?
Bomba (Pillows): You know some of the people reading this got that little innuendo…
Pounce (Groggy): Well then, it’s only an R-Rating in their minds then… Did you say you, uh, worked in that sleazy flea trap of a strip club once?
Bomba (Pillows): Yep. They had to retire my pole…
Pounce (Groggy): I used to go there with a few of my friends. Maybe I saw you perform…
Bomba (Pillows): You with friends? Who’d you pay off to go with you?
Pounce (Groggy): Gus and Tumble…
Bomba (Pillows): No way. I don’t think you saw me at all…
Pounce (Groggy): And why not?
Bomba (Pillows - leering meaningfully): You would’ve remembered… Bye, harmless… (She exits, grinning)
[Altaica: Uh, CUT!]
[Bomba: What happened to Laughing Boy up there, Alta?]
[Altaica: Shock, I think… Looks like I’m going to haveta take up belly-dancing now, thanks to you.]
[Bomba: I can get you a pole and show you how…]
[Altaica: I know how, Bomba… Uh, Next Scene while I go give Rumble a cold shower. Uh, CSI Offices. Munkus, Tanto and Misto…]
[Bomba: Bye, Alta…]

(Misto comes in with a piece of paper. Munkus is sitting at his desk, throwing hypodermic syringes at a picture of Macavity on the wall. Munkus pegs the Napoleon of Crime on the nose.)
Misto (Nip): Nice shot, boss… Uh, three guesses what our mutual friend Jazzy Bender purchased a while back.
Munkus (Grizzsome - tossing another 'dart’ and sticking it between Maccie’s eyes): A 10-gallon aquarium with 50 pounds of pulverized granite…
Misto (Nip): Good shot on both…
(Tanto strolls by the office on her way out.)
Munkus (Grizzsome): Hey! Aren’t you going to say good-bye?
(Tanto stops, grins, comes in to the office and plants one on Munkus.)
Tanto (Spiller): Ciao, baby… (She exits, leaving Munkus dazed.)
Misto (Nip): I like how she says it… How come I don’t get that?
Tanto (Spiller - Off Camera): He’s the Silver Tabby, that’s why…
Munkus (Grizzsome): Guh…
[Altaica: CUT! Oh great… Now someone hose Munkus down. Luckily the next scene with the Barbie Jeep and with Deme Old D, and Tugger.]
Tugger (Clown): I don’t believe this… The note was written by Skimble? So whatta are we doing now?
Old D (Badass): It’s the old “I told so” scene where I tell you guys off, and go “nanner, nanner, nanner.” PPFFFFBBBBTTT!!! (He exits.)
Deme (Asidle): Well… I didn’t want to think that Dancer was guilty of purposely flattening that little jerk…
Tugger (Clown): I guess I’m not used to the Old Dude doing a Nanner-Nanner dance. He’s a sore winner as well as a sore loser… Now the raspberry I expected…
Deme (Asidle): You know something? We never did find out who the tiny turkey was that Dancer stomped…
Tugger (Clown): Who cares? With Dancer off the hook, we can deep-six the splatter bag…
Deme (Asidle): Fine with me…
[CUT! Alta, dear? Next time, disconnect the cold water line from the LIQUID NITROGEN TANKS!]
[Altaica: Believe me, baby, you needed it extra-cold… And I’ll warm you up tonight, dokie?]
[Very well, you are forgiven… Next scene… Dear Eternal Cat! The Strip Club again?]
[Presley; You gotta prob with that, Rumble-Baby?]
[Altaica: You’re pushing it, Pres…]
[Presley: I’ll survive, Alta. Yo, Bomba! Vickie! Time to strut your stuff again. Baby!]
Bomba (Pillows): Presley and Vickie in the same scene… Somebody shoot me…
Vickie (April): If I can get a gun, gladly.
Bomba (Pillows): Vickie? It would take three of you just to fill my Grade 6 training bra… Okay, honey. What was with the rape charge on Lonzo…?
Vickie (April): He asked me to talk dirty to him, so I did… We both just got carried away… And then the Goon Squad came on before I got…
{VICKIE!!!]
Vickie (April): Oh, unlace it, for Rumpus sake!
Bomba (Pillows): Okay, that I can dig. What else?
Vickie (April): He said he’d pay extra for it…
Bomba (Pillows): Are we still talking about Lonzo here? Pay Extra? (Bomba laughs all of ten seconds before she quits - stone sober.) Sorry. I had to get that outta my system. Hey! Didn’t Pres have any lines here?
Presley (Owner): Nope… I was just here to get the web-cam shots of you two lay-dees doing the cleavage number.
Bomba (Pillows): Pres? Did I ever tell you I was the place kicker on my Grade 11 football team?
Presley (Owner): Betcha never wore the pads, right?
Bomba (Pillows): They never had any that would fit…
[CUT! Are we close to the ending yet?]
[Altaica: Not yet, sweets. Next scene. The Benders. Munkus, Misto, Exotica and Gus Jr.]
(Munkus is looking at the hole in the rug with a magnifying glass while Misto looks on. Xottie and Gus Jr. come in.)

Munkus (Grizzsome): Did a bit of floorwork here I see…
Gus Jr. (Jazzy): I do odd jobs around the house…
Misto (Nip): I’m not even going to touch that line…
Exotica (Ameye): Good thinking, Misto… What are you doing, Munkus?
Munkus (Grizzsome): Looking… (Pick up some white fur out of the floor.) Misto, er, Nip? Do your alakazaam on the floor here.
Gus Jr. (Jazzy): What? You looking for blood?
Munkus (Grizzsome): No. My car keys - I lost them last time I was here…
Misto (Nip): Alakazaam! (A blue mist covers the floor.)
Munkus (Grizzsome - sighing): In the Human CSI, they use a spray bottle. I have to have a wizard along…
Misto (Nip): They’re too messy anyway, Munku… Well, nothing on the rug.
Munkus (Grizzsome): Try your blue elemental thingie…
Misto (Nip - cupping a hand. A blue globe appears and promptly wets on his hand.) I hate these guys…
(The globe floats out over the hole, and all sorts of spots and white hair appear. Xottie and Gus Jr. look at each other in dismay.)
Munkus (Grizzsome - putting on a trenchcoat, taking a lollipop out of his pocket, and shaking his head.) Okay, this is how everything adds up here. You were having an affair with Griddlebone, and you had an argument. You pushed her into the tank of seawater, and the piranha did their job… except they did not finish the fur. Naturally, the first tank went through the floor - too much sand and Griddlebone. You then tried to flush the rest down the garbage disposal of Cassie’s place where you had installed it, and it jammed on you.
Gus Jr. (Jazzy): Pretty good imitation of Krojerk and Cowlumbo but no cigar. I was in Reno during the time this happened. At least, I’m pretty sure I was…
Munkus (Grizzsome - motioning to a constable at the door): Book him, Danny… (Gus Jr. and Munkus exit.)
Misto (Nip - now alone with Xottie): Wait a mo… All that fits except the holes in her fur… (Looks at an obviously planted photo of Exotica with hockey stick that is somewhat pointed.) Oh, oh… I’m on the short end of the stick, aren’t I?
Exotica (Ameye - with the pointed end hockey stick): A bad pun but accurate…
[CUT! Good job, people. Now go to the outside where the light bulb comes on for Munkus…]

(Outside where Munkus and the constable have Gus Jr. in cuffs (which are plastic ties). Gus Jr. stops.)
Gus Jr. (Jazzy): Munkus… I really didn’t shove Grid into the piranha tank… or try the disposal. Grid’s fur is too thick to go through even the heavy duty model.
Munkus (Grizzsome): I hate it when Rumble gives me the setup… Uh, Does Xottie know about the fur?
Gus Jr. (Jazzy): No… she thinks that model will eat anything. Obviously, she never tried putting her tuna casserole through it. That’s why I replaced that one unit…
Munkus (Grizzsome): Oh, poo…
[CUT! Back to the house and Xottie with Misto.]
Exotica (Ameye): You had everything right except who did it, Misto. I had the argument with Griddlebone, and then I showed her how I shot the winning goal during the Olympics. But, because Griddlebone was so slow about understanding it, I had to show her 10 times!!! After that, I threw her in the fish tank and let the fish have her. Wouldn’t you know they would spit out the fur and the bones. Damn little things! I also did not know about the cheap floors, and the tank and her went into the basement. So, I fished the rest of her out of the tank while the little buggers belched a lot, and I went over to Cassie’s place. I tried to put in the disposal, but Gus neglected to tell me that the model 1250R did not eat fur and bones. I found out later that I needed the 1255G which is a special Griddlebone easting model… Now, I gotta find a 1255M…
Misto (Nip): Which is a model for eating… me…
Exotica (Ameye): You got it in one…
Misto (Nip): Uh… Don’t turn around…
Exotica (Ameye): I’m not falling for that one, Misto… (BONG! She crosses her eyes and then falls slowly to the floor. Behind her, Munkus shakes his head as he examines the fry-pan he used.)
Munkus (Grizzsome): You okay?
Misto (Nip): Other than peeing on myself, I’m fine…
Munkus (Grizzsome): Forgot about your magic again, I take it… That gag most often works on people on this show… Now… Can you bend this thing out again?
{CUT! What is next of the agenda?]
[Altaica: A park scene with Bomba, Alonzo and Jemmi.]
[A Park? How novel…]

(Bomba is sitting on a box watching Jemmi swing on the bedpost that is featured in the great Macavity Number seen on the DVD… Alonzo comes out and then sits next to Bomba.]
Alonzo (Eddie): Definitely not a love scene… (Jemmi waves and then does a body rub followed by a spiral swing on the pole.) Is Jemmi supposed to do things like that?
Bomba (Pillows): She inherited the moves from me… What’s on your mind other than looking down the cleavage of my blouse?
Alonzo (Eddie): That obvious, eh?
Bomba (Pillows): Yep!
Alonzo (Eddie): The script says I try to hit on you.
Bomba (Pillows): Does it also say what I do to you if you try?
Alonzo (Eddie - looking at his script): Hmm… It doesn’t say, but there is a camera direction that says something about me hurtling past the mantel clock up there…
Bomba (Pillows): Bingo…

[FADE TO BLACK…]
CREDITS:
Rumblepurr Films - Thesaurus Productions
CBS (Cannot Burn Scripts) Productions
“Who Were You” by Bleat Downshed of The What?

DISCLAIMER:

The persons and events portrayed in this film are fictitious. Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, or any events is unintentional. No Jellicles were hurt in the filming of this production. All bodies and body parts were produced by The Rio Roadkill Arts Company.
Our firm and undeniable apology to CBS Broadcasting Inc. and Alliance Atlantis Productions Inc. for any infringement on the copyright of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. The same goes to any of the performers in this particular episode, and the City of Las Vegas, for their portrayal in this parody, if it actually offends them in any matter. This parody was an attempt to provide entertainment to the readers of TJC, and no monetary compensation was recovered or granted to the author for this work.

***** Finis *****

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